by Robin Roseau
I caught my breath. I hadn't intended to tell her that. I hadn't intended to tell her any of that.
"No," she said.
"Do you think they send someone twenty-seven years old to make the sort of decisions I am to make? Do you think they assign someone who is twenty-seven in charge of an entire diplomatic mission? Do you think I can learn one language every year and a half? I learn a language when I need it because I am living on a planet where the language is spoken. Do you think I've lived on fourteen planets in twenty-seven years? Or really, only about five years, because I didn't start learning all of them until I was an adult -- at eighteen -- and started traveling for my various jobs -- at twenty-two."
"No," she said. "Impossible."
"My tablet is impossible, too. And the lights, and the shower, and travel between stars. It is all impossible. If I have all this magic, is it so hard to believe we have conquered the secrets of aging?"
"Ninety-seven?"
"Yes, well, ninety-seven Centos Four years, so not that exact number in Talmonese years. But close enough, for this conversation."
"No," she said.
"This is why it is important to me that any of my children be imperial citizens," I said. "So they have access to the same medicine. Rejuvenation treatment is free to all citizens. If Talmon is invited into The Empire, then rejuvenation is free to all Talmonese, although they are responsible for transportation. So on the poorer worlds, many people do not receive treatment. Although even on the poorest worlds, treatment is nearly always available, unless the world itself doesn't want it."
"It's not possible."
"This is also why I wanted you to go with me, Sartine. And this is why the word 'permanent' scares me. It is also why I know you will grow weary of me. Everyone else has. You will, too."
"How many lovers have you had?"
"You do not want to ask a question like that," I said. "You have had at least one before me, haven't you? No one kisses like you do with no experience."
Her lips quivered at that, but then she nodded. "Yes. I have had lovers."
"Then does the number matter?"
"A thousand?"
"Oh heavens, no. In spite of being willing to invite you home with me, I don't do that often. It's been a few years for me. I bet it's been longer for me than it has been for you."
"You kept this from me."
"I have kept a great deal from you, but you knew I was doing so."
"This is important."
"Yes, it is, but I'm not supposed to tell any of you. I am going to be in a great deal of trouble when The Empire finds out I told you."
"How much trouble?"
"They will take my job away and make me leave. I won't ever be allowed another diplomatic position." I shrugged. "I wouldn't take any, so it doesn't matter. I am a terrible diplomat."
"You keep saying that. I am not sure it's true. You are deeply respected in Sudden. But they think you are thirty at the most, and perhaps younger. Someone so young should not be so..."
"Right," I said.
"I-" She shifted her weight back and forth. "I need to think about this." She backed towards the door.
"Don't you dare lock me in here, Sartine!"
She stepped for the door, pulling it tightly closed just before I got to it, and I heard it lock from outside. I banged on the door. "Don't you dare leave me in here! Sartine! There's nothing to do!"
"You have your tablet, Cecilia. It is only a few hours. I'm sorry. I have to think."
"Sartine!" I banged on the door for a while, but if she was still out there, she made no response.
* * * *
It was hours later when she finally returned. I was curled up in a ball on the bed. I had gotten dressed and spent some time with my tablet, but I was concerned about the charge. It was sitting near the windows, plugged into the charger, but there was no direct sunlight, so I didn't know how many hours it would take to charge.
I heard her at the door, and then she stepped in. I didn't even roll over to look at her.
She moved to stand beside the bed. "When I came earlier," she said, "I thought to take you to breakfast. It is now past lunch. I am sorry."
"Whatever." It was English. My tone was sufficient answer, I am sure.
"Can you prove what you have told me?"
I sat up, propped in the bed, but I didn't look at her. "Do you call me a liar?"
"No. Part of me believes you, but part of me cannot fathom this."
"Do you think I am lying?"
"No, but... In the gut, you know?"
I sighed and nodded. "It's hard to believe."
"I want proof, and I want to know what other lies you have told me."
"I have told you no lies. At no point did we discuss my age. At no point did you ask if I had other children. When you asked how many languages I spoke, I told you, and I did not lie. You know my duties for The Empire. I did not lie. When did I lie?"
"You said those people were your friends."
"Well, okay, that was skirting the edge of a lie. I am friends with my parents, but I felt bad saying that. But we had just met, and I am not supposed to tell you all of this. How could I tell you they were my parents? I am sorry, but I don't know what you would have had me say instead."
"Have there been other lies?"
"I have deliberately kept many things from you, and I will continue to do so. I tried to convince you I was smitten with you in hopes you would relax your diligence, but you saw through me, and I imagine even if I had been entirely in love and devoted, I would have arrived no differently."
"All right," she said. "Can you prove your age?"
"Not exactly," I said, "not from here."
"I will tell no one what you have said to me. I will keep this between us. But if you cannot offer evidence, then I will decide you are crazy or lying."
"I can offer evidence to support what I have said. I can't prove ninety-seven, but I can show you evidence."
"Show me."
"Not yet. What are you going to do?"
"I don't know yet."
"I am old enough to be your grandmother."
"You are old enough to be my grandmother's mother. You're an old, old woman. I am a child to you."
"No, Sartine, you are not."
"You laugh at me."
"Sometimes. But you also laugh at me, do you not? That is part of life."
"I know how I see my little sister. I guess how my grandmother sees me."
"Do you now see me and think of an old woman on a cane? Will I forever be the shriveled woman who you dried after our bath yesterday?"
"I have seen your body. You look much younger than I am. I thought I was five years older. I thought... you needed me."
"How are you so sure I do not?"
We hadn't looked at each other, but I looked up at her now. Her face was filled with anguish. "I have made such deep mistakes."
"Are they larger than mine?"
"I-" She didn't answer.
"You no longer want me," I said. "And so when you return me, you will have lost your galatzi." I looked down and sighed.
"That is not true," she said. "But now I understand more why you did not want me."
I couldn't help it. I laughed. "I have wanted you from the moment I first set eyes on you, and absolutely nothing has happened to change that. You felt my heart yesterday. That was desire for you."
"Like an old man wants a young woman."
"Do I look like an old man?"
"No. But how can we be equal, if you are almost four times my age?"
"In, oh, something around eighty years, I won't even be twice your age."
That thought shook her up.
"I told you, Sartine, 'permanent' is a very, very long time."
She said nothing.
"Besides, you don't want equal. You want me submissive to you. Why is it okay for there to be that aspect of our relationship, but not balance in the other direction?"
"Did you just call me a hyp
ocrite?"
"I don't know. It might depend upon the nature of your answer."
She didn't respond to that. Instead, she said, "I want to see your evidence."
"I want to know what you've decided."
"I haven't."
"Do you intend to return me to Sudden?"
"I don't know. I don't know what to do. And because I have promised to tell no one else, I don't know who to talk to."
"You could talk to me."
"I bet you're hungry," she said. "Will you come to lunch with me and bring your tablet? I presume that is where your evidence is found."
"Yes, what evidence I have. You won't be able to read very much of it, but I will show what I can. Not everything; that would take days. Enough, perhaps."
"Please come to lunch."
She stepped to the door and waited in the hallway. I collected the tablet and checked the charge, sighing, then followed her to the dining hall.
* * * *
I spent two hours showing her what I could. I had video of me at various apparent ages from younger than I looked now to as old as upper thirties. I showed her the dates of the various videos, and then we took notes of the dates and how old I looked. I showed her news reports I had about my companies, and told her how long I'd spent building them up. I showed her images of each of the planets I'd lived on, and explained what I had done on each, how long I'd lived here.
I showed her images of me in a hospital bed, holding a baby. I had looked low thirties when Corinne was born but only twenty-two for Shawn. I showed her the dates that were associated with the images then admitted I could have faked absolutely everything.
She asked me how long it took to move between planets, and so we took paper and traced my path across the stars, as best as I could remember. She added the times and said, "You have spent six years between stars."
"That is less than your forefathers took to arrive here," I said.
Eventually I said, "The tablet's weights grow low. There is no direct sun in my room, so I do not know how long it will take to recharge." I set it aside.
"I'm sorry," she said. "Tomorrow I will show you where you can put it, if it is a sunny day. It is too late today."
"Have you decided what you want to do?"
"I know what I want to do," she replied. "I don't know what I should do."
"I see. You want to return me and forget we ever met."
"No. I want to keep you and forget you told me this."
"It would be a lie, and now that you know, I would be offended if you were ashamed of me."
"I am not ashamed."
"I would be offended if you look at me and see an old woman you can't stand to touch."
"I think I wish you hadn't told me for another six months."
"I think I wish I hadn't been so angry that I let it out, but part of me is relieved to have told you. Part of me is filled with dread, wondering what will happen now. This is about us, but it is about more than that, too."
"I know, and I think about that."
"Will you let me give you some advice?"
"I will listen."
"Do not worry about those other things. Worry only about you and me. If you do not want me as a prize anymore, then you must return me. You do not have to take me yourself. I can find my own way home."
"You can't."
"Oh please. Give me a knife and a single water flask, and I'll get there."
"You aren't serious. You don't know the way."
"I admit, the path through the mountains may confuse me. You might need to help me get that far, but I'd find it eventually."
"If I do not decide to keep you, I will return you to Sudden myself."
"All right," I said. She only needed to get me clear of the mountains. I could get a ride from there. It would only take them a few hours to reach me. I wasn't going to tell her that unless it became an issue.
"Did you have more advice?"
"Worry about what you want," I said. "You are not responsible for the unrelated issues. Treat me honestly, once you know your own heart. I can take it."
"You do not ask me to return you."
"I would have this morning when I was so angry."
"What other advice?"
"Do not take too long, and then I have things for you to consider."
"All right. What?"
"Look at me." She had been looking anywhere but at me. Slowly she turned to face me. "Do I revolt you?"
"No."
"Do you look at me and still want to kiss me?"
She looked away again.
"If that means 'no', then we have our answer, Sartine."
"Yes," she said. "I want to kiss you. But I want far more than that, and I do not believe you will allow me what I want."
"Yesterday, you trapped me, and it was not a false trap. I remain dependent upon you for everything. Today does not change that. You felt my heart."
"I am Vendart."
"Yes, you are."
"When you were five years younger than me, I knew I could make you see me that way. Now I know I can't."
I smiled. "No. But you can't make me do anything at all. But that is what I have spent the last three weeks trying to teach you. You tried to make me call you Vendart when I apologized, and where did that get us?"
"But you did, in the end! I won."
I smiled. "I called you that because I saw you with our people. I saw how you talked to them. I saw you show what a leader you are. You are a far better leader than I am. You are Vendart, Sartine. And I called you that to show you that if you treat me the way I wish to be treated, you are far, far more likely to get what you want from me. You were not the only one who won yesterday. You removed my gag with no restrictions. I was under no obligation to apologize or to call you anything. And so we both won, and that is how our lives together should be. We should both win."
She stared, then averted her eyes. "I didn't see that."
"So? There are things I see, things I don't."
She looked back up. "You want to be with me, even though I am a child to you."
"You are not a child to me. You are, at times, a little like a child to me, but you thought that about me, too. But I see a woman, a brilliant, enticing woman. That is what I have seen from the beginning." I shrugged. "If you invite me to stay, if you want me to stay, and you treat me the way I wish to be treated, then I want to stay. We have things to work out if you make that offer."
"Like how long you remain my galatzi prisoner."
"Yes, that is a big one."
"And whether you say 'My Vendart'."
"No, that is not one of them."
"I require it. If you cannot say it, then there is nothing more to discuss."
"Do not issue ultimatums like that," I said. "This is when I think you are a child, when you become so impatient, and when you try to force me. I did not say I couldn't say it. I cannot say it today."
"I am Vendart."
"You are very jealous of your authority," I said. "You do not attempt to treat anyone else this way. I do not challenge your authority as the vendart of Indartha."
"If you live here, I am your vendart. Or do you seek to replace me?"
"Hell no. Never. I don't want it. You can have it."
"Well then, if you live here, I am your vendart, and you will obey me."
"When you are acting in your capacity as vendart, then yes, I will obey you. When you are acting in your capacity of suitor, then no, I probably will respond poorly to orders but very, very well to requests. This is what I am trying to show you."
"You have challenged my authority."
"I certainly challenged your authority to kidnap an imperial envoy. Do you blame me?"
She sighed. "No."
"We have issues to address. None are unresolvable."
"I need to know if you will say 'My Vendart' or not."
"I don't know," I said. "When you are being gentle with me, it is very, very easy to let you lead, and that means 'yes'. But bei
ng heavy-handed with me will not work. If you want to hear those words, you will need to coax them from my lips as if I am a skittish colt. If you try to whip them from me, you will never, ever hear them."
She didn't answer, and I thought she didn't understand. But then she said, "I need to think."
I sighed. "Are you going to lock me in?"
"Are you going to fight me when I do?"
"No, Vendart."
"Now you mock me."
"Now I make a point that I recognize you have this authority, even morally you have this authority, as I agreed to come, and I have agreed to stay. You have the right to lock me in, but that doesn't mean I like it. My tablet will not last long, and I have nothing to do but stare at the ceiling. Will you at least resolve this for me?"
"We have books. Not many."
"Thank you."
We went first to her room and collected two books, and then she led me to mine. She entered with me, and I set everything aside, plugging the tablet back in, hoping for whatever power I could feed it. She stood near the door, watching me. I straightened, remaining near the windows.
"I know something that may help you decide."
"Oh?"
"You are Vendart. You are my suitor, or at least you were yesterday, and I still see you that way. I am your galatzi prisoner, the woman yesterday you called a prize. If all those are still true, then you should ache to kiss me. I ache for you to kiss me." And then I closed my eyes and waited.
She crossed the room to me, and then I felt her hand on the back of my neck. My heart rejoiced, but she didn't pull me to her.
"What if tomorrow, I decide I cannot do this?"
"Is that what you believe will happen?"
"I don't know."
"Is that what you want to happen?"
"No."
"Right now, what do you want? Right now, in this instant. Do it, whatever it is. If you wish to strike me, I will allow one strike, but only one. If you wish to kiss me, then kiss me. If you wish more than kisses, well, I would allow a little more. If you wish to scream, then scream. If you believe I must be punished for not telling you my age, then tell me, and then punish me, but if it is a lingering punishment, my heart will harden against you."
"I do not wish to punish you," she said, her words low. "You would let me?"
"You are Vendart. I am your galatzi prisoner. If you treat me well, if you court me well, if you want me, then I would become your galatzi wife." I opened my eyes. "I will allow you to lock me in, for now. It is not permanent. It is not until a child."