I was wickedly sore, every swipe of my jogging pants brushing against my panties reminded me of just what I’d done. My body was a traitorous whore. It didn’t care that my mind was in a bad way. It just wanted Thorn back inside of it.
I wasn’t so completely panicked that I didn’t understand. Thorn had managed to give me not only multiple orgasms for the first time ever, but the strongest, most earth-shattering orgasm of my life. I was wrecked. I thought I could do it. I thought I could sleep with him once to experience it and to get past the sexual tension between us, but it wasn’t that easy for me. I’d just ended up making an even bigger mess for myself.
I couldn’t stop thinking about how I’d never once felt as connected to Eric in the years that I’d been with him as I did to Thorn in the day that I’d known him. Eric had never given me multiple orgasms. Eric had barely given me orgasms at all.
It didn’t make sense. I shouldn’t have these kinds of feelings towards Thorn. I didn’t know him. I’d barely talked to him. Yet, there was something deep and all-consuming there. Just like with Burden and the bar. I should’ve been freaked out by the massive sense of déjà vu, but instead, it was comfortable. Well, not with Thorn, but the bar and town felt comfortable. Thorn was all danger, all the time. If I knew what was good for me, I’d stay away from him. That was, if I hadn’t managed to massively fuck up. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t used protection. It was obvious he slept around. A lot. A player, for God’s sake, Allie!
What if he had something? What if he’d given me an STD? I was a fool for making that mistake. I couldn’t even begin to let myself panic about the prospect of pregnancy. I just had to believe that pregnancy wasn’t even an option.
I’d been alone in the trailer for a few hours, pacing and driving myself bat-guano crazy, mostly because of Thorn, but also because Kayla had stopped by with her phone charger. She told me to keep it for the night and my phone was on the kitchen table, charged. The thing was like a monster, lying in wait, crouched to pounce and devour me alive. I was almost afraid to touch it.
It was stupid, but I didn’t want to face Eric. I had issues, and for some reason, he was one I had the hardest time dealing with. Eric was far from perfect, despite his belief that he was God’s gift to women. What I’d told Thorn was real. Eric had cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship and again several months ago. Probably a few times in between, if I were being honest with myself. Each time was a crushing blow. Yet, I’d stayed. Even though I was in pieces on the inside, I’d stayed. It was normal for me, I guess, given the example I’d had.
Before my parents passed, my father had been a habitual cheater and my mother, a habitual turn the other way-er. She’d always made it work. It’d seemed like they loved each other. They acted happy, at least. It wasn’t until I was older, and looked back at my parents through different eyes, I realized that Mom had spent nearly all her time locked in her room. She wasn’t happy. Somehow, even knowing that and knowing that allowing a man to cheat on you was wrong, I couldn’t seem to stop landing in the same situations.
Every one of my serious boyfriends cheated. Even though Eric cheated, I rationalized, he still treated me pretty well and wanted to give me the world. I suppose I felt like I’d never find a guy who didn’t cheat, so why not just accept the one who also wanted to take care of me.
Yet, when it came down to it, I’d frozen. When facing the prospect of actually tying myself to Eric, to a man who cheated, I couldn’t commit. It’d felt like I was tying a brick to my ankle and jumping into the ocean. Panic had clawed its way up my chest until I thought I would choke to death, right there in front of him. Apparently, some part of me was salvageable and knew that I didn’t deserve that life, that I shouldn’t commit myself to my mother’s fate.
Instead of facing that truth, though, I ran. I grabbed whatever clothes I had at his house and jumped in my car and fled the scene. I didn’t quit my job, I didn’t tell him I was leaving the state until I was miles over the border. I didn’t even tell my friends goodbye. I just got out of there. I think a part of me thought that I was as weak as my mom, and that I’d fall into the same trap she did if I didn’t run. That’s why I was terrified to turn my phone on and see what was happening in Eric’s world.
I also had to face the fact that I’d allowed myself to cheat. I was ashamed of how much I’d enjoyed myself and how little I cared about Eric while doing it. Was that how it had been for him?
A heavy knock sounded on the door and I jumped. “Yeah?”
“It’s me, Allie.” Thorn’s deep as sin voice called through the door. “I came to check on you.”
I looked down at my stained jogging pants and worn T-shirt. I wasn’t dressed for company, that was for sure. I also wasn’t supposed to be worried about what he thought of my outfit. I took a step closer to the door and then backed away. I wasn’t sure what to do.
“I can hear your mind working from here. I just want to talk. Come out here and I’ll keep my hands to myself.”
“What do you want to talk about?”
He chuckled. “Stuff. Come out.”
I pulled on a jacket and opened the door. He was already sitting on the tailgate of his truck, several feet away. I shut the door behind me and sauntered over to him, feeling the awkwardness grow with every step. I’d just washed him off my body a few hours earlier.
“Hey.”
I stood a few feet away and nodded. “Hi.”
“Come, sit down.”
I shook my head. Like I needed any more temptation than what he already presented. “I’m good here.”
Thorn had changed into jeans and a worn flannel. His hair was still damp and he smelled frickin’ delicious. His eyes were heated as they looked me over, but he kept his hands on his thighs. “I’m sorry about earlier, Allie. I just…lost control of myself.”
I hadn’t been expecting an apology. I shifted my weight to my other foot and sighed. “It was just as much my fault as it was yours. I don’t know what came over me.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
My body heated. “Shut up. I didn’t mean it like that. I just… I’ve never been that careless.”
Thorn sighed. “Me either.”
I huffed out a laugh, thinking it’d been a joke. When he gave me an annoyed look, I frowned. “You don’t…do that? I mean, you don’t have unprotected sex?”
“I can honestly say that you’re the first person I’ve ever slipped up and not used a condom with. With a past like mine, you don’t mess up stuff like that.”
“Until you do…” I moved closer to him and pulled my sleeves over my hands nervously.
“What do you mean, with a past like yours?”
CHAPTER 16: Hawthorne
I wanted to grab Allie and pull her into my chest. The overwhelming feeling of needing to hold her was as intense as it was new. She looked sexy as hell with her pajamas and her damp hair piled on top of her head. She’d even put on glasses at some point. Soft and welcoming, like a big green light, asking me to scoop her up and cradle her in my arms.
I didn’t know what to do with those feelings, though. I was still fighting the urge to run away. I had no fucking clue what I was doing sitting outside of the trailer, begging her to talk to me. I never talked to women like I was about to talk to her. I never even talked to the guys about shit like this.
“Hawthorne?”
I nodded to the tailgate and smiled. “Sit with me and I’ll tell you.”
She stared at the spot and then at me. “No touching.”
Like hell. “Sure. No touching. Just come up here.”
“Fine.” She climbed up and sat cross-legged, facing the trailer. “Now, talk.”
I swallowed. “Well, to give you a little background about the town of Burden, the original families have a slightly interesting history.”
She pushed her glasses up on her nose as she stared. “Yeah?”
I told her the story, leaving a few key details out. “Native Ameri
cans lived on this land. Our ancestors, my ancestors, were Native American. The legends say that when our gods were creating the earth, after they had put all the other mountains down, they ended up around here with a handful left, so they just dropped them all in Big Bend. Then, they knew that the land would be too rugged for normal people, so they moved us here.”
I paused, the rest of the story was that they’d needed tougher beings than humans, and bear shifters were born. Over time the land got easier and our bear ancestors found human mates and settled farther north of Big Bend. I didn’t think she was ready to hear that part yet, though.
“Our ancestors believed in soulmates. They believed that the gods made one other being on this planet just for them. It’s a belief that our families passed down from generation to generation and it’s still relevant today.”
She looked up at me, her eyes large and innocent on her face. “Do you believe that, too?”
God. I wanted more than anything to tell her. If I did, it would mean either one of two things. She’d think I was crazy or disgusting and high-tail it out of Burden, or she’d want to settle down with me and start popping out kids. I damned sure wasn’t prepared for either of those things. I was in a quandary that felt a little like quicksand. “I don’t know what I believe. I didn’t exactly have the best example of it.
“My mom was a little wilder than anyone expected her to be. She wasn’t smart about it and ended up getting knocked up by Tommy Graham, the town drunk. Tommy Graham, my father. Three months later, she met the man who was meant to be her soulmate. He stayed with her, even though he was repulsed by me. He hated the constant reminder of her past. Me. Despite being meant for her, he couldn’t take it. Ran off in the middle of the night when I was eight. Didn’t take long for Mom to go completely insane.”
I shook my head and grunted, simplified it as much as I could. “So, see? Unprotected sex resulted in a horrible mistake that ruined my Mom’s life. No, I don’t make that mistake… until I did.”
Allie raised up a little higher and gestured with her hands. “That’s bullshit.”
I frowned. “What?”
“It’s bullshit. Unprotected sex got your Mom a baby boy, not a mistake. I’m sure you were a beautiful baby, too. Just look at you.” Her cheeks reddened but she continued. “A weak man who couldn’t accept that his lady wasn’t innocent as a baby lamb when she came into his bedroom ruined your Mom’s life. No good man would’ve turned his back on the love of his life because she had a child with another man.”
“You feel strongly about that, huh?”
“Yes. Obviously, unprotected sex isn’t always a mistake.” She said it and then paused. Her face flamed even brighter and she waved her hands around. “That’s not what I meant. I don’t mean us. We definitely shouldn’t have had unprotected sex. We should be more careful. Should’ve been more careful!”
I laughed.
She blew out a rough breath. “That was a train wreck. What I meant is that I don’t think you were a horrible mistake. You were meant to be here.”
“Thank you.” I tugged lightly at a strand of hair she’d missed and smiled at her. “So, what about your parents? Got any legends or prophecies?”
“Um, only if you count the fact that I’m destined to end up with someone who cheats on me.” Allie crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. “Dad was a cheater. A big one. Everyone in town knew about it. Mom knew. I knew. She pretended to be so happy, though. He’d come waltzing in at seven in the morning, smelling like liquor and cheap perfume and she’d smile and ask him if he’d like his eggs fried or scrambled. Every day.”
I felt an ache in my chest. “What’d he say?”
“Scrambled. Every time.”
“So, you grew up thinking it was normal for a man to be a cheating pig.”
“Yeah. By the time I realized Mom had, in fact, been miserable all those years, and my parents didn’t have the perfect marriage, it was too late. I was already entrenched in a pattern of finding men who don’t care enough to be faithful and Mom and Dad were gone.”
She tilted her head back and looked up at the stars. “They died in a car accident. The officer who worked the scene said that Dad lost control of the car and hit a truck head on. Later on, I found out that they’d been fighting in a bar. She’d shown up and confronted him. He’d drank too much, and heading home, swerved into the truck. The one time she tried to fight for herself, she ended up in a body bag on the side of the road stretched out somewhere between Joe’s Tavern and the local Tastee-Freeze. What a way to go.”
She abruptly stood up and paced a little circle in front of me. “Where’s your mom? You said she went insane, but what happened then?”
I sucked in a harsh breath, realizing that I’d stopped breathing while she spoke. “Gone.”
“And your dad?”
“Died somewhere in California. Passed out in a puddle of his own vomit.”
When she looked at me again, there were tears in her eyes. “How do you know when someone’s your soulmate, Thorn? Is there some kind of sign?”
“Allie…”
“How do you know, Thorn?”
“There’s supposedly a magic to it, although some call it instinct, chemistry, whatever. An undeniable attraction and need for the other person. You’re just supposed to know.” I spit the words out and held her wide-eyed gaze.
Allie stood, frozen, in front of me. Her eyes narrowed. I could see the wheels turning in her head and I was terrified of the conclusion she was coming to.
A flash of pain washed over her face momentarily contorting her features, and then she took a step back. “I see…” she mumbled. “I’m going to head to bed. I’ll see you later, Thorn.”
I stood up. “Wait, Allie…”
She didn’t, though. She hurried inside and the sound of the lock turning after she shut the door was deafening. My bear demanded that I chase her down and let her know that we weren’t rejecting her. I couldn’t, though. I wouldn’t go after her. I wouldn’t let this happen.
CHAPTER 17: Allie
I was losing it. Listening to Thorn talk about his ancestors and sitting under the stars had left me with a million questions buzzing in all directions in my brain like flies circling a honey jar. All began with ‘what if’. I abruptly ended the conversation with Thorn because I had suddenly had the overwhelming feeling that what he was telling me was that he was my soulmate but that he didn’t want to be.
I glanced up at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and gave myself a look. “Soulmate? Really?”
The stuff he’d been saying, about just knowing and there being this insane attraction and connection, it just went straight to my head. One minute we were spilling our guts and the next, I was looking at him like he was some sort of magical, mystical creature of legend and folklore. My soulmate. It was stupid, but I couldn’t control the desperate feeling of finally finding that deep connection. Surely, a soulmate wouldn’t cheat. But I was being ridiculous. Thorn couldn’t even say it with a straight face. Each time he’d said the word soulmate, he’d winced. There was no way we were soulmates. Unless life hated me.
I shook my head and spit out the toothpaste in my mouth. “Just forget about it, Allie.”
I’d let the day get to me. I was probably delirious from all the orgasms my boss had given me. Leave it to me to think the first man who knew his way around my female anatomy was my soulmate. Pathetic.
I needed to be grounded. In a hurry. I grabbed my phone and climbed into bed before turning it on and dialing Eric. It was late enough in Burden and an hour later than that in North Carolina, but I knew he would be up.
“Alyson?” His slightly nasally voice hit me and my first thought was that it didn’t send tingles through me the way Thorn’s did.
“Hey. It’s me.”
“Good God, Alyson! It’s been days since you called me. What the hell is going on? I’ve been worried sick.”
I traced the outline of the ceiling with my eyes and frowned.
“My phone died and I didn’t have the charger. I’m sorry I worried you.”
I heard the sound of his whiskey glass being put on the side table as he sat up. “Look, Allie, I’ve let you do this for long enough. You need to come home, now. Everyone’s asking where you are and I don’t know what to tell them. It’s beginning to get awkward.”
“I’m not ready to come home, yet.”
“I don’t care.”
“Why did you cheat on me?” I asked the question before I even realized it had slipped out of my mouth. I wasn’t sorry to have asked it, though. It was a question I should’ve asked much sooner.
“Let’s not do this now, Alyson. I’ve got a big meeting with a potential client tomorrow. I’m talking a huge case. I score this job and we’ll be honeymooning wherever you want, for as long as you want.”
Honeymoon? I hadn’t even accepted his proposal! “It hasn’t phased you that I haven’t said yes yet, has it?”
“We both know you’re going to marry me. We can dispense with the formalities. You love me, Alyson. Just like I love you. Now, come home. Do you need me to say please or something?”
I sat up and rested my head between my knees. “Why do you want to be married to me?”
“What? Why are you mumbling?”
“I asked you why you want to be married to me.”
There was silence and then I heard the distinctive pop of his favorite glass whiskey decanter being opened. “Why does anyone want to get married? It’s just what people do, Allie. Where’s all this coming from?”
“That’s romantic. It’s just what people do?” I sighed and fell back into my pillow. “I don’t know about any of this anymore.”
“Is that what you’re asking for? You want romance? You want me to come home with flowers and write you fucking poetry? I’m a little too busy, honey. We’re both long past adolescence.”
Bears of Burden: THORN Page 7