Good for Me

by Aeryn Jaden

  Sean’s face was getting stormy while he assessed the situation and obviously ended up with the correct assumptions.

  “Ty…Teach. What happened?”

  Uh-uh. Bain was really frowning now. I just hoped that he won’t jump at Sean and demand explanations for his language in those emails. I didn’t want to be in the hot spot even more with Sean. Withholding information about anything “juicy” happening in my life would land me an extended trip in the dog’s house. Bain seemed to drop it (for now, his eyes spelled) and he cast a look behind me and then to my face and suddenly he was all business.

  Cool, collected and fairly pissed off business.

  Astor was typing something on his Blackberry, probably calling his lawyer or something.

  Jesus! How old were these kids again? When I was nineteen…

  Uh. I was doing the same thing I do now. Meaning nothing and playing video games between randomly writing algorithms, programs and numbers on any surface that was at hand and writable. It seemed that seven years don’t really make that big of a difference.

  It was pretty annoying to feel intimidated by my little brother and one of my own students (yeah, right, like you think of Bain as a student!). It was like facing the parents and feeling the need to explain myself. Well, damn, I haven’t done anything wrong. Hopefully that would go better now that it had in the past.

  That thought did nothing to bring down my level of anxiety.

  It was then that I noticed the blood stains on my new ex-white pants and my head cleared of all thought except for the hazy fog and the buzz in my ears. Red again. Maybe I could make it look like a pattern.

  I started doing dots with my fingertips after I located the source of my red paint- my head, namely my nose.

  “Tyler!”

  I probably zonked a bit, since Bain’s tone suggested he had tried to get my attention several times.

  When I looked at him it was my turn to freeze, exactly like a deer, under his dark gray eyes. I did not know how to interpret them- him, and I crooked my head, confused. Focusing on his eyes, I was studying their color, wondering if I looked long enough I could see shapes like in in the clouds.

  Ugh, did I forget to mention that blood makes me really really dizzy?

  Read here faint like dizzy.

  My last thought was of mourning my almost first-date.

  The plaster had cracks. Tiny cracks that encompassed the ceiling like a spider web. It was supposed to be white.

  “It’s beige. Somebody needs to paint it.”

  I heard rustle in my right. Then my left. Huh. My arms weren’t moving.

  “You’re awake.”

  “The nurse will soon be here.”

  The last was my brother. He sounded cool and collected compared to the anxiousness in Bain’s voice.

  The nurse?

  “O, no, no nonononono. No. I’m out of here.”

  I pulled my feet and tried to pull myself up and off the bed. I wrongly chose my right side and Bain was there to promptly push me horizontal again.

  “You’re not moving from that bed.”

  “Says who?”

  “Me.”

  “Like you have any say in this.”

  My brain was chanting outoutout and for a moment I entertained the thought of making my way through him.

  “Try me.”

  He crossed his hands over his chest and frowned menacingly at me.

  “You’re doing a pretty good bodyguard imitation. Do you know Whitney?”

  Sean snorted from somewhere on my left side.

  “You better give this up, bro.”

  I froze at hearing him divulge our illicit relation and promptly turned to glare at him and his baby pink hair. He had the nerve to just shrug at me. And then smile with something dubiously resembling delight.

  “Sorry, he’s really scary when he’s adopting the interrogating cop role. Before I knew it, he had your address, birth parents’ name, sibling’s name- namely me-, phone number and I’m not so sure about the social security number. Good thing he seems to be on your side.”

  “Sean! There’s a reason we agreed not to tell!”

  Sean’s face clouded and all trace of joke fled his eyes.

  “Well, I’m sorry bro, but I was a bit preoccupied with making sure your hard head is still in place! You want a mirror to see what I’m talking about?!”

  A whimper from the bed next to mine stopped him mid-yell and he turned toward the source with a chagrined expression.

  “Shoot. Sorry, man.”

  I watched him perplexed as he slowly touched the kid’s hair and shushed something for his ears only. It was the kid getting beat at when I intervened.

  “Is he okay?”

  “Seems to be. Cuts and bruises mainly. Maybe some slightly busted ribs. Doesn’t want to be in the hospital though.”

  I looked melancholy towards the door. Just a few steps…

  “I totally understand.”

  Bain frowned at me again and I tried to regulate my erratic breathing.

  ”You’re not going anywhere.”

  “Figured on my own, thanks.”

  I was between the proverbial rock (freaking ass-mutant Bain) and a hard place. If I insisted, Sean will figure out something was wrong.

  “You alright?”

  “No, I’m not.”

  He swore and approached quickly. He got straight into my view of the door since he had been practically on the bed before.

  “The nurse will be here soon and if anything’s wrong I have my car ready to take you to the hospital.”

  “Uh-huh. Really reassuring.”

  “Anything I can do?”

  He looked so earnest and sincere I stopped hyperventilating for a moment and grabbed desperately at his arm.

  “Please, please, get me out of here.”

  Bain shook off my arm and pressed his lips, annoyed.

  “I was being serious.”

  “What makes you think I wasn’t?!”

  I was getting pretty wound up and you could notice it in my highly pinched voice.

  Two more breaths. In…out…in…get it out...

  His expression stayed tense for the next couple of seconds while he noticed my obvious distress.

  “Hey, you’re really not ok.”

  “You’re a veritable Einstein. Not.”

  Sarcasm- the last line of defense before succumbing to totally freaking out here!

  He frowned at my pale and paler by second color.

  “Shit. What’s wrong? You’re turning blue.”

  I gulped between labored breaths.

  “Really, really don’t like the medical environment. Nurses, needles, hospitals…”

  “It’s not a hospital. It’s just a small clinic.”

  I pointed with shaky hand at the evil glass armoire.

  “Same difference. Needles, smelly bottles. Out. Please, please…Out!”

  I was having a panic attack.

  My brother was still tending to the poor beaten kid and I took advantage of his inattentiveness and gripped Bain’s arm again, pulling him closer to whisper another plea. My desperate eyes caught his and pleaded for understanding.

  “Sean must not know. Please, Bain, please.”

  He turned a conflicted look towards my brother then to my face and slowly nodded.

  “Ok. Try to hold on for a couple of minutes.”

  I closed my eyes in relief, already breathing better when I knew freedom was within reach. I didn’t pause to question my faith in Bain. I didn’t know him. A stranger with which I had shared a lunch break. A funny and good- looking stranger. Which you so desperately want in your pants, my remembered libido quipped. I didn’t understand these kind of thoughts, having never had the smallest glimmer of sexual interest in another living being before. That seemed to be changing.

  I trusted Bain to make it better. Trust, me? A lot of things seemed to be changing. His shoulders were big enough for me to lean on and trust that everything was going
to be ok. I knew that, I had tested it already. My panic was subsiding with each second I held his arm clutched in my trembling hand.

  Everything was going to be fine. Needles and doctors be damned, Bain was making it better. I refused to think about that old “kissing it better” saying. I didn’t need a stiffie to top it all.

  Sean stayed at the clinic with the kid. For a second there I thought he was going to fight it and make me wait for the nurse or worse, insist on a check up at the hospital.

  Bain made it better. He can do magic, I swear. Or it was only a matter of some non-verbal eye conversation between him and my growling little six foot three brother.

  The point is I was home. Home with Bain, sharing again my living room couch. I’ve got to buy a bigger one, I kept sliding towards him and the dent he made in the soft plush.

  Huh. Maybe I should just buy the couch a present.

  Bain had circled my shoulders with his arm in an oh-so-smooth move. He gently peeled the iced bag from my nose and hissed it before reseating it carefully. You would think it was his nose that was pulsing gleefully with pain.

  “Damn baby, you got it bad. I could have sworn it’s broken. Looks like it.”

  “No broken. Trust me, I would know.”

  Maybe those painkillers had a better effect that I had thought. It sure eased up my tongue.

  “You had it broken before.”

  Uh-uh, he was frowning again. A bad frown. I was supposed to not like it I guess but it was just too endearing to see the big guy so worried and ready to break somebody’s neck on my behalf.

  “My knight in shining armor.”

  “Don’t make fun. Who?”

  I knew what he was asking but I didn’t know if I could answer. It had gotten easier after I talked it out with uncle Edward and aunt Esther but still… Nobody knew except them.

  Was I ready?

  My silence was an obvious answer.

  “This is part of those reasons, isn’t it? I can wait. Don’t worry about it now.”

  He started to massage the furrows in my forehead, erasing the tension brought by his question. I wanted… I didn’t know what. To be able to speak about this? No, to be able to tell him. Because he deserved a reason for my reaction at the clinic, because he got me out without any questions. I needed some booze to go with those painkillers.

  “Sorry.”

  He shook his head and shushed me but I was having none of that. I had a limited amount of courage and I knew I would lose it soon so I just blurted it out there.

  “My father. Well, technically it was my stepfather.”

  His hands tensed on my skin but continued their massage without a word uttered. His quiet presence gave me the courage to continue.

  “My mother remarried when I was two. One year later Sean came along. We were the portrait of the perfect family. Young couple, two boys- healthy, rich and smart. Perfect. They were, I wasn’t.”

  “Damn it, Tyler…”

  My glare stopped him and he nodded in acknowledgement, but not before letting me know with a firm, quick kiss that we were gonna talk about it.

  Now I was shaping with my finger the lips he had kissed, feeling something akin to wonder. My decision to tell him was reinforced by that almost brutal press of mouths, brutal from his frustration at my words. I was again dizzy, his presence was enough to make my head spin. I took a deep breath and stumbled along with my story, anxious to get it all out there and get over it.

  “I always had a big mouth. No, really, don’t contradict me.”

  Bain laughed as I intended and some of his ready to go to battle muscles relaxed.

  “Uncle Richard didn’t like that. Yes, he insisted that I call him that. Granted, I do have poor timing sometimes. I remember once I asked a lady how is it to get a lifting. She was the wife of some big-shot businessman uncle Richard was courting. You can imagine how that went. I got two broken ribs for that.”

  “My God.”

  His look made me feel better and pulled me from my memories enough to reach for his hand and gently caress it. So big. Bain could probably break me in two if he wanted to. He had done it before in the military, he said so himself. Why, then? Why wasn’t I covering from him and his imposing build? I hadn’t from the beginning. First it was a matter of holding my ground, of pride. Like for five seconds, before his eyes smiled at me. I had to learn to trust again and I had somehow chosen him to try. Granted, maybe my long time ignored libido chose without waiting for my input.

  “That was my first visit to the hospital. Well, some private clinic of a friend of his. All hush-hush, you know. He always had a believable excuse made up. The second time was my arm, broken in two places from when he threw me down the stairs. I was lucky that time, could have been worse.”

  I could’ve died. I still suspected that was Richard’s intention.

  “Stop, please stop.”

  “Bain?”

  He stood up abruptly and for the first time I cringed from him in fear at his expression. What? No, Bain was just angry for me. He noticed me cringe and let out a shaky breath.

  “I didn’t knew, God, how could have I …”

  “…Bain?”

  “Sorry. Sorry, I… I got to go. I’ll see you tomorrow. Sorry. Please, just…”

  He grimaced as if he was in pain and just opened the door and left. Left me alone. He…left.

  To say I didn’t expect that…huh. He left. I just told him about my childhood, things I didn’t think of telling anyone, not even uncle Edward and aunt Esther and he stopped me and left. Just like that. Gone.

  Maybe my face was hurting, I don’t know. Maybe outside was getting dark. Seconds, minutes, hours, time stood still. Watching the door, waiting for it to open and prove me wrong. The bag of ice melted in my lap and my eyes were dry like a Sahara desert. I knew I’ll be angry later. But for now, alone in the dark empty house, I just couldn’t muster up the energy to pretend.

  Chapter Four

  Bain was trying to go for a falling down drunk state of existence. Dead drunk worked to, or passed out drunk. That should do it.

  No matter how many shots of whisky the bartender continued to pour him, his thoughts still weren’t quiet and still. Tyler as a child, bruised and hurt. Falling down the stairs, his arm broken. His eyes sad. He understood now. Wished he hadn’t. He had wanted to know what made Tyler tick, what kept him distanced and almost aloof in his interactions with other people.

  The glass creaked in his fist and made a loud crack. The bartender retreated two steps eyeing something under the bar. Let him, he didn’t care. He knew now.

  He only saw how fragile Tyler had looked while remembering the past. How he looked in that clinic’s bed, pale and panicked to get out. Too many hospitals for him. Somewhere in his past there had been one too many.

  He said the second times…Other times have followed. And I could bet his brother doesn’t know. Who had been on Tyler’s side all this time? All this time, hurt by those who should protect him… No wonder he doesn’t let anybody close enough to know him. That’s the reason. I wanted reasons, I got them, God, I got them….

  He stopped mid-rant struck by a thought.

  He was a moron. He had run scared. He hadn’t wanted to scare him with his anger but this maybe was the worse thing Bain could’ve done. Nothing brought clarity better than the burn of a good whisky down the throat.

  He had run from Tyler, leaving him like everybody else had. He was not there, not with him. While he had tried to calm his instinct to go and kill the one responsible for that look on Tyler’s face, he had done the same. Another hit. One too many, he could bet. He had left without a word when Tyler needed him to be there and tell him it would be okay. That he had Bain now. That he had been right to trust him with his past. Did he have Bain now?

  Why Tyler would chose him from all the people out there, Bain didn’t know. He was big, mean looking and had done more that his share of harming others. Tyler wasn’t afraid. He should be with that kind of pa
st. He wasn’t.

  Hadn’t been. He flinched, remember? He told you he had been abused by his father and what do you do? Jump and frown and growl and make him afraid. Then leave him alone.

  Fuck. Moron was too mild a word to describe him.

  He gestured the bartender for a refill. Another one for the road. Tyler had trusted him with some of his darkest secrets, Bain needed to prove he was worthy. But he wasn’t, was he? If only Tyler knew how much of a bastard Bain was. He would never trust him again. And he had come to want, no- more than want, need Tyler’s trust. He hoped he could fix this because he suspected it would be hard to live with himself if he had blown it for good.

  The door opened eventually. It must have since I felt a hesitant hand brushing my hair from my face. I had my eyes open but I was blind. Still dry and hurting. When I fall, I fall.

  “God, Tyler, please… I’m sorry, sorrysorry…”

  The couch dipped again and some corner of my mind rebelled at someone else seeing me in this condition. Another part of me was slowly getting angry at him.

  Never show a weakness, never lean on someone else, always depend on you, only you… My life credo.

  I have broken every single one of my rules in two days with Bain. How the mighty have fallen… A wry bitter smile quirked my lips without my knowledge and I heard Bain’s breath shudder in his chest. I actually shuddered along him since I suddenly found that I was draped on his chest, hugged in a bear hold that hardly left me space to breathe. I didn’t mind, I wanted him to squeeze harder.

  My eyes blinked and moisture filled them and then slipped at the corners. I couldn’t call it crying, I had forgotten how that felt long time ago.

  I wasn’t trembling, was I? Oh, Bain…What should I do now? It would have been simpler if he had stayed away till morning. Then I would have chalked all this to another learning lesson dealt by life and proceeded to ignore him.

  “Shh…”

  I hiccupped and started in surprise.

  “My God, Tyler. Sorry…Sorry I left. I was...Just…I didn’t wanted to scare you. You never were afraid, I…It hurt to make you afraid. I thought…”

  “Hush, now.”

  Strange how I felt suddenly so calm. My tears kept sliding on my cheeks and his big hands framed my face and lifted it to face his eyes.