by Brandy Bruce
Dr. Rosas had smiled as she told them that Gabriel Romano had come through the first half of the surgery fine. All looked well. He’d go home the next day and come back a week later for part two of the deep brain stimulation. Even Isa’s uncle, her father’s brother, and aunt had flown in from Los Angeles to be with the family during the surgery. So Isa’s mother had a houseful of guests. Isa slept intermittently, waking when nurses came in to check her dad. By morning she was relieved to see her dad responding so well. She knew they’d have to wait to see the results of the second half of the surgery, but so far she was encouraged. She sat with him while they waited for Leo and her mother to finish paperwork.
“How do you feel, Dad?” Isa asked, taking his hand in hers.
“I’m not sure really, Isa. All right, I guess. I’m afraid to think I feel better.”
She noticed that he wasn’t shaking quite as much and his words seemed to come just a little easier.
“I understand feeling that way. It can be scary to hope sometimes.”
He looked at her and she felt as though her father could see all the way into her heart.
“I’m hoping for you, Isabella.”
The immediate catch in her throat was followed by unstoppable tears rushing to her eyes. “For me? I’m talking about you, Dad.”
He nodded, with still a small tremor. “I know you are, daughter. And you’re very right—it can be a fearful thing to keep hoping. But sometimes, when you’re afraid to even hope for good things, you just might need your father to hope for you. And I will never stop hoping for good things for my Isabella.”
The words he spoke were clearer than she’d heard come from him in months—that alone would have been reason enough for Isabella to cry. And this time, Isa didn’t even try not to.
Three days later Isa drove to Redeemer Community Church. She was still in the parking lot when she received a text from Ethan:
Not feeling great this morning. I’m not going to make it to church. Tell me how it goes.
She sat in the car for five minutes trying to decide whether to go in alone or not. Finally she got out, feeling guilty for wanting to leave without Ethan there by her side.
I drove here to go to church. I’m a grown woman who can go in by herself…and I can leave if I feel awkward. I’ll just sit in the back.
She found a seat in the back row and felt semicomfortable until someone waved at her from across the aisle. She recognized the guy as one of Ethan’s firefighter buddies.
Oh great. Now he’s walking over here.
She pasted on a smile as Caleb and a woman Isa assumed was his wife slid into the row next to her.
“Hi, Isabella!” Caleb said, and introduced her to his wife, Hallie.
As they chitchatted, Isa felt less awkward. Worship began and she let herself enjoy the music, conceding the fact that she wanted to be there, that sitting with two people who wanted to be her friends was actually nice, and that maybe, just maybe, being at church helped a little with that thirsty feeling inside her.
After the service she talked with Caleb and Hallie, who introduced her to a few more people at the church, and then she decided to surprise Ethan. She picked up lunch to go from a nearby deli and knocked on his door. When the door opened, Isa did a double take. Ethan stood leaning against the doorway barefoot, wearing sweatpants and a shirt that probably needed to be washed. His bloodshot eyes told her he was exhausted.
“Are you okay?” she asked as he let her in. She deposited the lunch sack on the kitchen counter and helped him to the sofa.
“Yeah. Rough night. I may have worked too long in the kitchen yesterday and I was really feeling it all night. I didn’t sleep well.”
Isa stood in front of him, her hands on her hips. “This is crazy. You’re hurt. You shouldn’t even be working yet and you’re trying to run a kitchen!”
He glared at her. “It was one bad day, Isa.”
“It’s a million bad days and you know it!” She raised her voice.
“Exaggerate much? I know I’m hurting. I’m getting an MRI soon.”
“Why are you pushing yourself to the absolute limit? For what? To prove what?”
“I’m not proving anything! I bought a restaurant! I have to run it!” Ethan raised his voice to match hers.
“What were you thinking? Why did you do this?” Isa was yelling now. His anger only fueled her own.
“I was thinking that I didn’t want to sit around and do nothing for months. I was thinking that I’d try something new. I was thinking it sounded like a great opportunity! I was thinking that I needed something to fall back on if I never get to be a firefighter again!” Ethan practically threw the words out at her.
Isa’s blood pressure skyrocketed. “Here’s a crazy thought. You might actually get well if you would let your body heal instead of taking on a new business after you’ve broken your back! There’s a reason the doctor won’t sign off on your returning to work! It’s so you sit at home, not so you go out and do something ridiculous like buy a business that causes you to stand on your feet for hours a day and take on more stress!” Isa shrieked. She glowered at Ethan. “I told you it was a bad idea.”
“I don’t need to hear that. It was my decision.”
“You do need to hear that. And, yes, it was your decision!”
“Yes, it was! You’re the one who told me that over and over! You’re the one who never wants to let our lives intersect in any real way.”
“What in the world are you talking about?” Isa crossed her arms, her face hot.
“I wanted your input. I wanted to make this decision with you.”
“Oh, please. You knew how I felt about it. Besides, we were barely dating! We’re still barely dating!” Isa started pacing, then stopped, wishing she could stomp her foot, she felt so furious.
“We’re not barely dating! It’s been months! You know how I feel about you.” Ethan struggled to stand back up.
“Stop. Just stop. I’m leaving.” Isa stood still.
“You’re not leaving. We’re talking.”
“We’re shouting!” Isa yelled.
“Fine! We’re shouting!” Ethan sat back down, cringing. Isa softened just a tad at the sight. She tried to steady her shaking voice.
“You shouldn’t be working at the restaurant. I don’t really understand why you’re doing it.”
“I can’t stop,” he said finally. “And you should understand that.”
Isa blinked. “What do you mean by that?”
With bedhead hair and dark circles under his eyes, Ethan stared up at her and Isa felt the impulses to both run out the door and kiss him soundly.
Instead she stood frozen.
“I mean I’m used to being busy and when I’m not, suddenly I feel empty. I don’t have a family like you do. I’m alone over here—don’t you get that? I make decisions for myself without anyone else’s involvement all the time. And I made this one. I bought this restaurant. Yeah, I knew you didn’t want me to. But I wanted it. And while I want you, I never really know where I stand with you.”
Isa trembled without warning at his words, I want you.
After that declaration, Ethan closed his eyes and laid his head back on the sofa.
“You want to be in a relationship with me now, Ethan. How do you know you’ll feel the same a few weeks from now? A few months from now?” Isa asked in a small, quiet voice.
He opened his eyes. “What do you want, Isa?” he asked without answering her questions.
You. She swallowed. “For my dad to be well, for my life not to feel so hectic, for God to answer my prayers. I want to feel happy at my job. To be married. To have children. To have one night’s rest where I wake up feeling like I’m living the life I was meant to live. To wake up not feeling so tired. I’m tired of being tire
d. I want…I want an abundant life,” her voice ebbed and flowed, her words starting with fervor and ending in only a soft mumble.
He leaned over, his elbows on his knees. Isa stared at his ruffled hair.
“What is that?” he asked.
“I don’t even know anymore,” Isa answered.
“Well…I know what I want, too. I want to be well again. I want to be strong again. I want to be a firefighter and run my own restaurant and have a girlfriend who understands me and wants me to be part of her life and who wants to be part of mine.”
“I do want you to be part of my life,” Isa said, taken aback.
“It doesn’t always feel that way.”
Isa tensed up. “Well, you say you want me. You say you want me to be part of your life. You say you want my input. But you’ve known all along I didn’t want to date someone in the restaurant business. You’ve known I’ve thought you were taking on too much while you’re still struggling to heal from your injuries. So my opinion doesn’t seem to really matter all that much. And besides all that, you know I have so much going on in my own life right now—my work, my dad’s health, my family, my friends—I don’t even have time to sleep!”
“I know. We both have busy schedules, but it’s different for you. Your life is full of family and people who love you. Mine is filled with my work. You have no idea what I’m going through. Maybe neither of us is ready for this kind of relationship.”
Isa hadn’t braced for that. She took the words like a punch to the stomach, full force.
I knew it. I knew it was too much to hope for. I knew I was in over my head. I knew it would never work out.
She took an unsteady breath. “Maybe you’re right. I told you when we first met that you should concentrate on healing.”
He looked up at her, his eyes red and rimmed with moisture. “Yes, you did. I haven’t done a very good job of that, I know. But you don’t know what it’s like to be alone, Isa. To not have a family that cares for you.”
Her mouth was dry and her heart hurt. “You have the guys, Ethan. Company 51 loves you.”
“It’s not the same,” he said.
I love you.
The words stayed just below the surface.
God loves you. She could hardly remind him of that when half the time she doubted it herself.
God, where are you? The prayer came from her without warning. God, I’m struggling here. This whole thing is falling apart just like I knew it would.
Ethan leaned back on the sofa.
“Isa, I’m tired. I’m in pain. I can’t do this right now.”
Isa stepped back toward the door. “Me either. So let’s not.”
Ethan stared at her. “What are you saying? Let’s not fight? Or…do you not want to be in a relationship with me?”
“Is that what this is?” Isa countered.
“I thought so,” Ethan answered. He closed his eyes. “I’m too tired to fight with you, Isa.”
“You don’t have to,” she said as she walked to the door and left.
Chapter 13
More than a week later, Isa followed Leo and Mandy into her parents’ home. Her father had spent another night in the hospital after having had his second surgery for deep brain stimulation. The surgery had gone well and the family felt hopeful. Isa carried an overnight bag with her. Her mother had asked her to stay over a night or two just to make sure her father was all right. Desperately needing some rest, she’d taken two nights off to stay at her parents’ home. She only hoped she’d get some sleep.
Once her father was resting comfortably, Isa sat silently on the swing outside while Leo prepared a quick lunch. She rocked back and forth out on the deck, taking in the far view of the mountains from where she sat.
“How long has it been?”
Isa looked up to see Mandy there, Tony drifting to sleep on her shoulder. She patted the seat next to her.
“Well?” Mandy pressed. Isa rocked next to her sister-in-law.
“Nine days.”
“Ah,” Mandy said.
Nine days since she’d walked out of Ethan’s apartment. Nine days since she’d heard his voice, since she’d argued with him, since she’d seen him alone and in pain.
“Do you know yet?” Mandy asked. A cool breeze raced past them and danced across Isa’s face. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the sun.
“Do I know what?”
“If you’re in love with him.”
Isa opened her eyes and looked at Mandy. “I don’t know how I feel. Frustrated, I guess. I’m disappointed that we haven’t talked.”
“I would be, too.”
“He’s texted me, just asking about Dad and stuff like that. He’s said we should talk soon, but he’s not insisting.”
“He’s letting you cool off.”
“I don’t need nine days for that. I think it’s more likely he’s just really busy with the café. And he did say maybe neither of us is ready for this kind of relationship.”
“What kind is that?” Mandy asked. Isa didn’t respond but she knew the answer.
The kind that leads to more. The kind that leads to marriage and commitment and family. The kind that she was pretty sure they both wanted.
“So call him.”
“No way,” Isa stated, and Mandy barely smiled.
“Okay.”
“You better be on my side about this,” Isa warned.
Mandy nodded. “There’s nowhere else for a Romano to be. I’m on your side. But I hate to see you lose something that might be incredible. You and Ethan—I watched you guys the day Maggie went into labor. It’s like he’s your match.”
Isa shook her hair back and pressed her temples. A headache had crept up on her.
“I never wanted to date a guy who owned a restaurant.”
Mandy laughed, then covered her mouth, trying to hold it in so she wouldn’t wake Tony.
“What’s so funny?”
Mandy smiled. “I was just thinking about the fact that I used to dream of dating a guy who owned a restaurant.”
Isa grinned back at her. “Well, you got your chef in shining armor.”
“I did,” Mandy agreed. “Does Ethan want to give up being a firefighter? Does he want to run his restaurant full-time?”
“I don’t think so. He loves being a firefighter. I think he’s afraid he’ll never be one again. But if he’d just stop and let his body heal, he could do it again. He’s so stubborn.”
“Hmm, I wonder what that’s like,” Mandy said playfully.
Isa gave her a Look. “Let’s move away from the ‘stubborn’ topic. Don’t you have any advice for me?” Isa asked.
“Sure. Pray.”
Isa rolled her eyes. “I could be waiting a really long time for an answer.”
Mandy didn’t scoff. “Then how about I pray for you? The truth is I’m already praying, Isa. And Leo. And your mom and dad.”
Isa bit her lip. She thought of her father saying he was hoping for good things for her.
“Are you living an abundant life, Mandy? Were you before you met Leo?”
Mandy rubbed Tony’s back. “Yes. And maybe. I had a good life before I met Leo, Isa. But God knows what we need. And I needed Leo. My life was full before—but now it’s so much better. There are ups and downs, but I wake up thanking God and I go to bed thanking God. I have hope and peace. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling so happy. But I believe all good things come from the Father. So I just thank Him for the blessings in my life. And I remember the times God’s been there for me. Those memories carry me through the not-so-easy days.”
Isa was quiet.
“Think of a time when you knew without a doubt that God was there for you, Isa.”
Isa bit her lip. “I can’
t think of one.”
Mandy stood up. “Try. I’m going to lay Tony down in the guest room. Come in to eat soon, sis.” She walked back to the house with Tony.
“Mandy,” Isa said before she went inside. Mandy stopped and looked over her shoulder.
“What if he doesn’t call? It has been nine days. What if he doesn’t?”
“Then you have some decisions to make, Isa.”
With Mandy gone, Isa tucked her legs under her on the swing. She watched the leaves rustle as wind blew through them and she let her mind wander, trying to think of a time when God had shown up for her in an unmistakable way. Before long her mother called out to her that lunch was ready and she went inside. But her mind kept wandering, and her soul stayed restless.
* * *
Ethan minced an onion and added it to the pot of beef stew that sat simmering on the stove. The café had been slow through breakfast, and he was already prepping for lunch. The scent of stew stirred a host of memories. It was one of the only recipes he had of his mother’s. While she hadn’t cooked all that much during his childhood, Ethan remembered her making beef stew every winter. It had been a favorite dish of his father’s and she’d made it just the way he’d liked it. Ethan thought of her every time he made it, and even though he tried not to, he felt the loss of both her and his dad.
He added in garlic and a blend of spices and then raised the stove’s heat just a tad.
The kitchen felt warm, filled with smells of different foods and the feeling of people coming in and out as waitresses flew in to grab plates. Ethan could hear the sound of Mark humming near him. But Ethan felt lonely.
I will never leave you.
Ethan stopped what he was doing.
Father, I miss Isabella. It was an honest admission. Ethan wasn’t sure it qualified as a prayer. But it was true regardless. He missed her.
She’d stood in his apartment and yelled at him. He thought of her hands on her hips, the heightened tone of her voice, the fire in her eyes—in the moment, he hadn’t realized what they’d signified. But alone, after she’d left, when his pulse had slowed and he’d thought over every word that had been slung between them, it had hit him.