by Ryan Michele
“I know.”
Well, I didn’t actually know, but felt I needed to add something in there. I didn’t want Riley to feel alone in his pain.
“I was gonna marry her, Laurel. Was gonna have her by my side for all the years to come. We’d be a family. The kind of shit we didn’t have. She tossed it all away.”
I finished chewing my fried rice. “Why did she just leave?” I couldn’t understand the woman. Granted, I didn’t know her long, but she really didn’t make sense.
“Said she’d find a man who had money to take care of her. Said I didn’t have enough for her to live and since Onyx took part her money away, she had to find a man who could take her in.”
Riley was a good man willing to stand by her when others would have left. He would’ve provided for her and the baby, taken care of them. So, why give that up? For the possibility of more money with someone else? Money wasn’t everything. Apparently, that was a lesson Melanie hadn’t learned.
“She’s a fucking leech, Riley. Know you cared about her, but she’s a fuckup and obviously didn’t love you if that’s how she’s going to act. A real love builds you up, doesn’t tear you down.”
He nodded at me. “Know that. Still fuckin’ hurts. I feel dumb as fuck for getting so wrapped up in a broad.”
“Know what ya mean there.”
He shifted on the couch. “Sorry, Laurel. What Paxton did was shit. You deserve so much more than that piece of shit.”
His words hurt because I knew Paxton had it in him to love me, he just refused to follow through with it. Both times he broke up with me, his reason was the same. He didn’t want me caught up in his life. It wasn’t about me, or him, but rather the risk. Back then I didn’t understand because I didn’t know what the guys were planning. Knowing what he was involved in, well, yes there was a huge target that could be on anyone close to them. Hell, look at what being related to Riley did to me. Paxton could keep me safe, I knew it. The only danger I was in had to do with my heart. He shattered it into a million pieces now though, so the damage was done and it was irreparable.
It was his loss that he’d see one day. It would be too late for him though, because he’d already sealed off my heart. Never again would he be allowed to walk all over my heart and stomp me into the ground. I was strong enough for his world even if he didn’t want to give me the chance.
“Looks like we both have issues, brother. At least we have time together.” I was trying to find the positive in a very negative situation for us both.
“Right,” he replied with a small nod, getting lost in his own thoughts.
That night, I curled into my bed. So cold. So empty. Just like inside my chest. I lost Paxton and the little boy that ended up not being my nephew. There were only so many losses a woman could handle and right now, I was at my peak.
Falling asleep, I grasped onto a pillow as if it were my world, because now, it was all that was left for me to hold onto. The gaping hole inside me would never be filled again. I’d make damn sure of it. Because I wasn’t about to open myself up ever again. This feeling, the despair, it would be what I let fill me so that I would never again put myself in the situation to deal with the loss and rejection.
“We’re so happy to have you back! Did you go somewhere fun? It doesn’t look like you saw any sun, though,” the chipper Marilyn said, coming up to my cubical at work. The news had been flying around that I was back. I’d been asked so many questions about where I’d been and what I did during my vacation. While it was an awakening that people actually noticed I was gone and cared, I wasn’t in the mood to make friends. I guess I wasn’t so lost in life after all.
I finally just came up with a story about going on a trip camping in a cabin with my brother. Sounded lame, but everyone bought it. Since I hadn’t ever shared a lot about my personal life, no one really questioned what I told them. Part of it was true, I was in a cabin and my brother was there. The other details didn’t matter to the people I worked with or to me now that my future wouldn’t be tied to anything left from there.
“Just some time with my brother, Riley. We don’t get to see each other as much as we used to. He thought it would be fun before he started his new job,” I lied but didn’t care.
She wasn’t my friend and didn’t need to know my business. She smiled at my answer, and I really didn’t give a shit at this point whether she bought it or not. Superficial. Everything was whatever I needed it to be to get by on the outside. Inside, I was hollow.
“Well, you’re back early, and we are very happy about that. Here.” She handed me a pile of folders. “We kept up on everything, but you’ll need to look these over. Mr. Bennett is so happy to have you back. He said sort through which needed his attention, and you could handle the rest personally. Good luck!” She strutted away, and I was left to myself again.
At least this would give me something to do instead of thinking about the asshole who wouldn’t leave my dreams the last few nights. I needed to look into getting a dream catcher or something because he needed to go away.
He hadn’t called, and I didn’t expect him to. Lord knew, I wouldn’t be the one with a gun showing up at his business again. He could take my money, my everything, and I wouldn’t chase him for any of it ever again. That was long over and it killed me. But being a grown ass woman, I pushed it to the side and got to work.
In the game of love, I had lost. I wasn’t about to play again.
The air was crisp, but the sun shone brightly. Sitting at the small table outside the café, cars moved up and down the busy road. Everyone had somewhere to be or something to do. Normally, lunch breaks were spent sitting in the small kitchen area with some of my co-workers.
Today, I didn’t feel it. The outdoors called to me, beckoning me for sunlight. I soaked up the sun rays, trying to find comfort in the air around me. The heat didn’t soothe the ache in my soul.
“Here you are, ma’am.” The kind waiter gave me a soft smile while setting down my turkey club. After my thanks, he disappeared. It was plated nicely with the pickle spear to the side. The bread was soft, the lettuce and tomatoes were fresh. It was picture perfect. I lifted it to my mouth and took a bite. Chewing, I kept at my task. The sandwich tasted like sandpaper, but that was what everything these days tasted like. Bland. Boring. Nothing had spice, flare, or anything to it anymore.
This rut had to be done with. Even if it hadn’t been long time wise, in the grand scheme of things it had been in my eyes. Years this man had been on my mind. He was the one who threw it all away and that was on him.
A chill ran up my spine and small goose bumps prickled my arms. Dropping the club, I searched around the area, almost feeling like someone was staring at me. Not going to lie, a small glimmer of hope sprouted thinking it could be Paxton.
Immediately, I shut that down. No. He didn’t want me, said it himself.
Paxton had followed me for so long I had gotten used to it. I looked around me once more and didn’t see him, so I knew I was well and truly alone. In the past, he never hid from my sight. I guess in an odd way I found comfort in it even if it was over the top. It was Paxton, and I expected it.
This had taught me though, with Paxton Williams expect the unexpected. Because he turned my world upside down before I could even realize what right side up felt like.
Today was the day I was moving on and putting the past behind me. It had to be done because the me I currently was didn’t work for me. I wasn’t a woman who would be broken by a man, nope. I wouldn’t do it. Even if I had to fake it until I made it reality, I wouldn’t continue on lost because of Paxton Williams.
It was time to wipe Paxton Williams from my thoughts and discover a new me. He may’ve hurt me, but that didn’t for one second mean that I was down for the count. I was Laurel Elizabeth Conrad, I had survived without a man for years, I could do it again.
He wanted me over him. Well, his wish just came true.
26
Paxton
Two Weeks
Later
I shouldn’t be here.
I was playing with fire and waiting to be burned.
Everything inside of me said to leave. To disappear into the night behind the trees and as far away from Laurel as possible. She was like a damn magnet not allowing me to stay away. The pull between us was too much for me to deny.
My willpower needed serious work. I lasted two weeks. Two fucking weeks before I had to seek her out. In the past, I made my presence known. I wasn’t ashamed of following her. I wanted her to see me, feel me, crave me.
Now, though, I drove by her place, her work. That was how I had been for the last two weeks. I was the creepy stalker she could feel but couldn’t see. I watched her go to the little café and have her lunch. I just did it in a way that she couldn’t see me. I was a glutton for punishment. Each time, the anger inside me grew more and more. She needed to move on from me and I her, but I’d come to realize that I couldn’t. No matter what I did, what I thought, or what I said, she was always there pulling me. I wished I could beat my own ass. I hated myself. I hated the way I couldn’t turn her loose. I hated the fact that I couldn’t hold onto her. I hated life, love.
I fucked up.
I destroyed everything in the blink of an eye.
I killed what we had and buried it six feet under.
There was no one to blame but myself.
My pride though, wouldn’t allow me to go to her. I talked to Tatum, her long-time friend. They were going out tonight, on my dime. Tatum hated me. She loved Laurel though, so she listened as I told her step-by-step what I wanted her to do tonight. Laurel needed this to be happy. She needed to be out with her friends, having fun, and smiling. She deserved a life of devotion and love. While I couldn’t give her a future, I could make sure she had fun with her friends. It would kill me, but I would stand back and watch as she eventually found love and moved on for good.
My chest tightened. I pulled out my cigarette just putting it between my fingers. Old habits die hard, but there was no interest in lighting the thing. My Zippo was still on me, but it wouldn’t get struck.
Everything with the business was going well. Andrei had his baby, and his brother was wiped out. We received our money and made sure Melanie felt the hit financially of fucking around with us. Even with her on the move, we kept tabs on her. I was sure Andrei was too, and he was waiting to make his move. We were giving Andrei time to close in and take her out. If he didn’t, then Dane had connections and would be personally end her himself if that was what ensured her silence.
For us, the Petrov baby was behind us, and business went on as usual. We only had three openings at the houses, but those would soon be filled.
The numbers were fantastic, pulling in more money than the previous month. There was nothing there to pique my interest, not even the numbers. Numbers had always been my go-to thing to keep my mind brewing. Lately, when I had to balance clients’ budgets or business expenses, there was no joy. Finding better expenses or ways to cut costs didn’t ease the part of me inside that always wanted to run.
The only thing that brought me the slightest bit of joy was this right here. Watching Laurel step out into the brisk night sky, smiling with her friends. There were three of them. Terrie, Tatum, and my angel.
She was beautiful as ever, her blonde hair curled and hanging down her back. The soft white dress floated in the breeze, and I could make out some small red roses on it. She had on suede cowboy boots and a denim jacket. My cock throbbed, begging for its angel.
Laurel fell behind, and a sad expression crossed her beautiful face as she sucked in a deep breath and let it out. She was in pain, and I did it to her.
Didn’t she realize this was for the best? That if I were to stay with her, she’d be in some sort of danger all the time, and I wouldn’t be able to stop it. She wouldn’t want to live life holed away in a cabin so I could protect her. The risks were too high. Didn’t she see that I was no good for her and never would be?
She had to know. There was no denying it no matter how hard I really wanted to.
Laurel had been my reason for living since I was a kid, and she still was to this day. That would never change. Now though, she could go out and experience all the things she wanted too and not be tied down to a man who made his money selling babies.
I scrubbed my hand over my face, watching as they pulled out of the driveway and down the road. I made sure they had invitations to a private club for a performance of a local band that had recently been signed to a big label. Laurel loved their soft rock with a little touch of country and soul blend. I hacked her playlist for work and knew they were her current favorite. I couldn’t give her me, but I could give her pieces of happiness like this tonight.
Fuck. Letting her go was impossible. My fingers ached to feel her skin. My tongue pulsed wanting to taste her. Every inch of me was made just for Laurel.
I’d always said that the way us four grew up shaped us into the men we were today, but I’d often wondered how things would’ve been different for Laurel and me if life had been different. If we would’ve met in school and didn’t have all the extra baggage of our home lives.
Would we have worked out? Would we have seen through whatever came our way?
The what ifs didn’t play in my world, though. They were the things that got you killed. Sad thing was, without Laurel, I already felt dead. But I knew if something happened to her because of what I did, who I was, or who I associated with, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. So while I might be miserable without her, I was okay knowing not a damn thing would touch her.
Nothing mattered. Not work, not my friends, absolutely nothing. My secretary was always up for a good fuck in the office, but my cock didn’t want her. In fact, I gave her a nice severance package and sent her to another accounting firm with not one but two single male accountants. My new secretary was Ellen Sue’s age. While she wasn’t exactly the best at technology, she wasn’t pawing at me, and the woman could make one strong as fuck cup of coffee.
I found myself daydreaming a lot lately. Something I hadn’t done since I first arrived at the orphanage. Back then, I used to let my mind hold onto life at my grandmother’s house. I would close my eyes and think of her morning muffins and her smile that was so big it made her eyes crinkle to where they almost looked closed. I remembered dancing, standing on my head, doing anything I could to see my grandmother’s smile. She was a light.
Then she started getting lost. I would be in front of her, but it was like she was looking right through me. She forgot to pick me up, forgot to make dinner, and even forgot my name. It was hard those days, and I would close my eyes just to hold onto the good times.
Day in and day out, I found myself daydreaming again. Not about my past, but what my future could’ve been. I think that hurt more than dwelling on what I had lost, thinking about what could’ve been. Going to work, coming home to see her smile. I stood in the shadows picturing it.
“Come on, angel.”
“Where’re we goin’?” she asked with a soft smile. Her hair was done in curls down her back while she wore a strapless blue dress that I couldn’t wait to peel off her body later. My cock hardened.
“Date night,” I whispered. “I’m hoping if I take my woman out and show her a good time, she’ll let me at least make it to third base,” I teased her.
She winked. “If you order dessert, she might just let you score a homerun.”
My chest tightened at the thoughts. I could have that. But at what cost? What risk to her?
If something happened to her, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I stood outside watching them enter the bar. The light in her eyes was gone. She was a shell of the woman I knew her to be.
In time, she would be back to herself. In time, she would find love again. She would find happiness. She would move on.
While it killed me to know all of this, I had to let her work through it and find her freedom. I would only hold her back.
27
Laurel
Today sucked. Not only did I not get any sleep last night because my friends wanted to take me out, but work dragged.
Terrie and Tatum were only trying to help me out by getting me out of the house. Terrie had come over and seen my “very happy disposition,” as she sarcastically called it, and decided we were going out for some fun. I tried to brush it off, but then Tatum called with tickets to an invitation-only performance that I couldn’t turn down. It was a mistake. The more I drank the more my lips threatened to be loose. Keeping them shut was hard, but manageable. Everything that happened was too much for me to process much less try to explain to someone else. And no matter what Paxton did to me, putting him on blast even to my closest friends didn’t sit right with my soul.
Not only that, I felt like eyes were on me all night, and when I looked around, they were—from very interested men. It was distracting. Saddest part, none of them made me tingle enough to even dance with them. Prude, party of one—right here.
Terrie kept feeding me drinks though, and it helped at least for a little while. Tatum slept on the couch since she was too drunk and tired to go home while Terrie had been our sober sister for the night, driving us around. We got in around two this morning, and I had to be to the office by eight, so I was seriously dragging ass. The show was amazing and even had me a little emotional over some of the songs.
Work was horrendous. I fucked up two clients paperwork and fell asleep at my desk, on my keyboard, nonetheless, that had the letters f and g typing on over three hundred pages, telling on me I slept a while.