Heartbreak's A Bitch!

by S. M Phillips

  “Hey, you.” I smile and take a seat next to her at the kitchen table where she’s currently set up shop. I’m not surprised when she doesn’t look at me, just grunts a little in acknowledgment. I guess that’s something at least. “Look, I’m really sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have jumped the gun like that.” I’m genuinely sorry and I’ll admit that I feel really small and vulnerable right now. I also feel horrific for treating my best friend the way that I did, and all without so much as a second thought. “Still friends?” I whisper.

  “Always.” She turns her head slightly to look at me and she gently places her left hand over mine. “ Yes, I won’t lie, you’ve been a complete and utter bell-end about all of this, but luckily for you, I know what you’re like. Next time just ask me, okay?”

  “I promise.” I smile back and just like that, I feel instantly lighter. Like some of my sins have been repented. But only some.

  “Good. Now that’s all cleared up and you finally look half human, it’s time for us to get going.”

  “Erm, go where?” With Rachel around, I knew that she’d have something on the agenda, but the glint in her eye right now as I look at her scares the living crap out of me. She knows that I hate surprises. Maybe this is payback? Yep, definitely payback. I wouldn’t put anything past her.

  “That’s why I came over. Well, at least it was right up until you went all bat-shit bipolar Brian on me.”

  “I wasn’t that bad.” I exclaim, trying to defend myself and claim my innocence.

  “Oh, you were. Believe me. Anyway, that’s done with now so let’s just forget about it. It’s in the past.” She flutters her eyelashes at me because she knows she has me hook, line, and sinker right now. “Look, I know that you’ve had it pretty tough recently and I have watched you try to hide it as best you can, but lady, you can’t kid a kidder. I just think that you could do with a break from all the drama, so… I booked us a little surprise.”

  And there it is. That dreaded word; surprise. “Can we not just stay here and hide?” I ask, hoping that she doesn’t take offence to my idea. After all, she seems to have gone to some trouble to make this little break special for me.

  “Had you asked me that when I walked in, I would have dragged you out of the house kicking and screaming, but I have to tell you after looking at some of these profiles on here, I kind of want to stay and find out more, myself.”

  Wow. I didn’t expect her to come out with something like that, that’s for sure. “Really, can we?” I ask, full of excitement at the pure possibility of being a hermit for the day, if not everyday.

  “Erm… no.” She says flatly.

  Ugh, I hate it when she gets all arsey on me. It doesn’t suit her one bit and she bloody well knows it too. “You know, most of these guys probably have wives and kids at home,” I mutter bitterly.

  “You know you’re probably right, but there’s a pretty good chance that there are some good eggs hiding amongst that basket too. You’ve just gotta rifle through all those feathers to find them.”

  “What happened to Doug?” I ask quizzically.

  “He’s still around. I’ve just not got the urge to sit on him as much as I did before, that’s all. This chick could do with some fresh meat.”

  “Maybe you just need to go out and try having a conversation with him. You know attraction isn’t always just about the sex.“ I add in and surprise myself at the words coming from my mouth. Where have I gone?

  “I know, I know. I’m just not sure that he’s right for me, that’s all.”

  “Rachel, you won’t know unless you give it a try, will you?”

  Rachel’s head whips around to face me fully and for a second she looks exactly like the girl from the exorcist. A face that I never want to see again for as long as I live. I couldn’t sleep for months after watching that horrific thing. “Well look at you.” She squeaks and I slowly pull my body back into the chair, not knowing which move she’s going to make next. “You’ve changed your tune, haven’t you?”

  “God no” I might sound like I have, but I certainly haven’t. “Don’t get go getting your wires crossed, men are still dickheads at the best of times and that’s one thing that I’ll always stand by. But you, you’re a weirdo and you love men no matter what. So, what’s really happening with the two of you, then?”

  “Speaking of men, when are you going to fill me in on the hot hunk of a man that goes by the name of Noah?” Oh, nice. I know what she’s doing. There’s nothing like a good old change of subject and I suppose it’s in my best interest to humour her since I’m still treading on thin ground. But do I really want to? Now that’s the question…

  “I don’t really know.” I tell her honestly. Truthfully, I don’t think she’s really paying that much attention to me as she’s still completely zoned out on the computer. I could tell her that we ran off and got married and enjoyed an amazing orgy and she probably wouldn’t even bat an eyelid. Instead, I say, “There’s not much to tell.”

  “You sure about that? Surely you wouldn’t lie to your best friend, would you? What about that gift he gave to me for you yesterday?” There’s no way that you can try and get anything passed this one.

  Crap. I’d actually forgotten all about his little gift until Rachel just brought it up. How the hell could I forget something like that? “Oh, that? Well, it’s not your average present, that’s for sure.”

  Now I’ve got her attention. Her full, undivided attention. Her pretty little face is waiting for me to expose all and she’s not sitting patiently. She taps her fingers as she waits for me to spill everything. “Come on then, don’t be a carrot dangler. Hey, it wasn’t something kinky like a personalised butt plug, was it? You know thinking about it, he does kind of give off that whole alpha domineering type.”

  “Rachel, don’t be so crude.” I shout. “Your mind is absolute filth. Maybe you should calm yourself and take it out of the gutter.”

  “Chocolates? He doesn’t strike me as the boring and predictable type Emily. Please don’t shatter my expectations whatever you do.”

  I can’t help but laugh at her. Everything, no matter how big or small always seems to be dramatized with her. “No.” I manage to say in between laughter, “not chocolates. I guess you could say it’s more of an item that has a much more personal use. Something that I absolutely love more than anything else in the world.”

  “Coffee? What, did he get you, some super awesome beans? Maybe that’s why he’s single, because he’s crap at buying gifts.”

  “Not quite… more like an iPhone 7.” I squeal and clap my hands with joy. Oh it’s so beautiful and precious and I promise to cherish and look after it every single day.

  “Shut the front door. Why would he buy you an iPhone? You’ve already got a new one.”

  “Did… I did have one.” Even though it’s now been replaced, a dull ache still burns deep in my chest when I think about its short little life. “I did have one until he walked over to me, oozing sex appeal on our date and I flustered like the clumsy cow that I am and like a right bloody tit I let go of it and it went flying out of my hands and shattered on the table right before my eyes. Honestly Rach, there was nothing that I could have done to prevent it. My heart was in my mouth and I thought I was about to die too. It’s not something that I ever want to experience ever again in my entire life.”

  “You bloody clumsy cow. I told you to get a decent case.”

  “Rachel, eggs these days are free range because it’s not natural for the hens to be caged up all the time. It’s exactly the same principle for phones you know. They weren’t designed to be stuck in a cold and unsightly case. Ever.”

  “Yeah, something’s really not right with you.” I hate it when she looks at me with those eyes. When she looks at me like that I sometimes have to stop and question my sanity, but I know that I’m not crazy. She just doesn’t understand my personal view on the world sometimes, that’s all. Like everyone, I guess we have to agree to disagree from time to time.


  “Anyway, he probably just felt guilty and he’s clearly got more money than sense.”

  “Or maybe, just maybe, he could be a decent guy and wanted to make sure that he could get in touch with you again.”

  “Hmmm, maybe you’re right. When I opened it up his number was already saved in the contacts list.”

  “And have you called him? At least sent him a thank you message?” Rachel practically hyperventilates in my face. Dear God woman, give me a bloody break. Anyone would think it was her going on dates with him.

  “Calm down, Jesus. And yes, I did. I texted him last night if you must know.”

  “Oh…” A mischievous grin spreads across her lips and her whole face lights up. “What did he say? Emily, he’s so sexy and swoon-worthy.” Her eyes wander off as she imagines only God knows what.

  “He’d like to take me out again tonight.” I say, and something that I’ve not experienced for a long time runs through my body.

  Nerves… actual nerves.

  We’ve been driving for what feels like an absolute age and there’s no way that Rachel’s going to let up anytime soon. I’ve asked her numerous times to tell me where we’re going and I’ve even gone as far as using reverse psychology too and nothing is working. It’s driving me completely insane.

  There has to be something that will make her crack. I just don’t know what it is.

  “It’s a surprise,” is all that she keeps telling me. Bloody hell, we’ve been best friends for almost twenty years and she knows how much I hate surprises. “All will be revealed soon enough.”

  The suspense is killing me, literally. God only knows where we could end up. This isn’t the first time that she’s decided to take me on a surprise road trip. Let’s just say what should have been a two night glamping trip ended up being a five night stay in the local hospital. Somehow I don’t think either one of us would like to repeat that experience ever again.

  “Glamping?” I remind her and I watch her whole body shudder at the memory and an evil smile takes over my face.

  “Never again, at least not on my watch. If you want to do that again, then by all means feel free, but don’t think for a second that I’ll be joining in.” I’m sure her complexion has faded a little too.

  “Ha. No you’re alright. I think I’ll live a happy and rather fulfilling life without seconds, thanks.” I guess that makes two of us then.

  “Hey, I’ve been wondering. Have you heard from Matt?”

  Okay, well that’s a drastic change of subject if ever there was one. “No.” I reply as calmly as possible, but my voice betrays me by letting of a little high-pitched squeak. “Why do you ask?”

  “I just thought he would have been round to see you, you know after…” she wanders off, deciding not to finish her sentence as if she’s just said something that she shouldn’t have.

  Shit. That stupid bloody blabber mouth. So, he’s got enough balls to tell everyone and by everyone I’ll take a wild stab in the dark and guess he told Mel what went down with us, yet he can’t face seeing me? You know, he must find me so repulsive. My hands automatically fall down into my lap and I’m unsure what I’m supposed to say next. I feel used. It’s not something that I’m used to feeling, and it’s not a nice feeling at all. Honestly, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Not even Cruella, well, maybe her but she’s the devil.

  Yes, I was stupid. I allowed him in when I was vulnerable and I dropped my guard around him; something that I haven’t done in a long time and I stupidly allowed my heart to rule my head. Now look where that’s gotten me. I think it’s pretty fair to say that I’ve lost a friend

  I think if I’m being totally honest with myself, which I’m trying to be these days, not that it’s really doing me any favours but what can you do? If I’m honest I’m actually a little bit more upset that I’d ever like to acknowledge out loud.

  “I thought you two were pretty close, but this? This really shocks me, Emily.” Rachel continues waffling while never taking her eyes off the road ahead. Thank god for small mercies. What am I even supposed to say to her? I’ve only just landed back in her good books after the way that I treated her earlier and any minute now she’s going to blow her shit, and maybe a tyre, all because I didn’t have the balls to confide in her.

  This is the calm before the storm. I can feel it.

  “Not as shocked as me, let me tell you.” I murmur. “Rach, I knew it was wrong. I knew that I shouldn’t have been so stupid and so careless. Believe me, I never intended for any of it to happen. It’s just, well, you know how it goes. I was drunk and upset and then one thing just led to another and… oh God, I feel so cheap and used. Now all I’ll ever be is just another notch on his bloody never ending bedpost.” I stop talking suddenly and finally pull my eyes away from my hands and look at her, waiting for Rachel’s reaction.

  I needn’t have bothered. She doesn’t say anything. Bloody hell, she’s not even looking at me. I look around and see that we’ve come to a stop but I don’t have time to take in the sights right now, I need to know what’s going through her head. I need her to tell me what she’s thinking. Surely I’ve not disgusted her that much.

  All too soon, Rachel slowly turns to face me, her hazel eyes burning into mine and her mouth sags open a little. “Wow…” she mouths and right at this moment I don’t know if that’s a good reaction or bad.

  “Exactly.” I reply weakly.

  “You slept with Matt?” She asks, and she looks really confused. This is not the reaction that I was expecting. Oh God, what have I done? I thought she knew. “Bloody hell Emily, you dark horse. I meant that it was strange that he hadn’t been around to see you since all that stuff at work kicked off. You and Matt though. Wow, the two of you actually had sex.”

  “Oh.” It’s all I can manage. Well, I’ve definitely dropped myself in the shit now haven’t I? One of these days I might just learn to keep my fat trap shut instead of jumping in all guns blazing.

  “Clearly he’s been to see you at some point though. When did it happen? Why on earth didn’t you tell me?”

  “Do we really have to do this now? I thought we were going out for a surprise?” I ask, hoping that somewhere in the bottom of her heart she will empathise with me and let it drop, but I know the answer before it leaves her lips.

  “Erm yes. I want answers right now. Plus, you hate surprises anyway so you can’t use that as a ‘get out of jail free’ card.” Her face is serious and I know that she means business, especially when she kills the ignition, pulls up the handbrake and cuts the sound of Little Mix from the speakers. I bloody loved that song too.

  “Come on Rach. I promise I’ll tell you, just not now. It’s all still to fresh and too raw for me to talk about. Maybe after a glass of wine?” I throw in, hoping alcohol will sway her decision. But I’m asking the wrong person obviously. I’m the one who seems to be easily swayed when alcohol’s thrown into the mix.

  “It looks like wine got you into this little predicament in the first place… unless?” she questions.

  “Unless what? I’m not a raving alcoholic hooker you know.”

  Rachel raises a quizzical brow at me and then dubiously shakes her head. “unless this isn’t the first time that this has happened. You could be late night hook-up’s or friends with benefits for all I know. Jesus Emily, has this got anything to do with your suspension? Please be honest with me and tell me now if the two of you have been caught getting down and dirty at work or something.”

  “God, no. What do you take me for?” I ask, highly offended at her automatic assumption. I’m nothing but professional at all times in the work place. Well, give or take a couple of times when I’ve had a low down – showdown with Cruella, but that’s different. I always have been and I always will be. Yes, it may not seem like it right now, but usually I’ve got a bloody good set of morals and I always try to use them on a daily basis. “It was just the once, a stupid drunken fumble after one too many glasses of wine. I didn’t even know that he
was coming over until he knocked on my door totally unannounced that night I’d been suspended and I guess one thing just kind of led to another.” My mind wanders back to that night briefly, but Rachel brings me right out my wayward thoughts almost instantly.

  “Oh Emily, I knew that something like this would happen eventually. It was only a matter of time. After all, he’s always wanted to get in your knickers, yet you’ve always managed to resist his charms.”

  “Until now.” I add glumly.

  “Have you tried calling him?”

  “Who Matt? Are you insane? Why would I want to go and do something like that?” I ask, well and truly shocked that she’d even expect me to such a thing. Does she really want me to go down to that level? “Rach, there’s no point. The way I see it is that he clearly got what he was after and it’s a massive bonus that he doesn’t have to worry about facing me any time soon at the office. The whole situation is a complete win-win for him.”

  “Emily, random question, but have you even stopped and thought for a moment to even look at this whole situation from his point of view?”

  I watch my best friend closely, half wondering where the hell she’s gone and who’s replaced her and I don’t say a word. Not a single one. Has she been on crack? Why the hell would I want to stop and look at things from his point of view? Trust me, I’d rather not think about what’s going through his head right now. I’d probably be disgusted at every single thing. He is a man after all.

  “Can we change the subject now, please? It’s really not helping me with my anxiety.

  “Okay, but maybe he just doesn’t know what to say to you. He could be feeling exactly the same as you are.”

  “What, embarrassed, ashamed… bloody easy?” I highly doubt that. More like I’m one of his accomplishments that he’s finally got his hands on.