We were meant to meet each other, meant to get married and meant to have this baby now instead of in a few years’ time.
I crouch down in front of her and press my lips to her stomach, shivering at the thought that there’s part of me growing inside of her right now.
Her hand swipes through my hair, her fingers gripping the brown strands softly and tilting my head back. I look up at her face, tears silently stream down her cheeks.
“I love you,” I choke out.
“I love you, too,” she whispers.
I lift my hands and slam them down onto the steering wheel several times, trying to let out some of the anger and frustration that I’m feeling. Why the hell did I let that happen?
I swore to myself months ago that I’d never sleep with him again and we both agreed that it was too much to keep coming back here, both of us regretting it after it happened.
Although I have a feeling that I regret it for a completely different reason to him.
I hate being the doormat, the piece of ass that he can pick up and drop off anytime he wants. I hate the fact that I can’t say no to him, that he renders me incapable of that word each and every time that he’s around.
Why the hell can’t I just say no?
Why do I give myself over to him so freely? Even though I know that nothing will come of it, I let him do this to me, it’s my fault that he does it because I allow him to.
I know that he feels guilty afterwards, that he feels like he cheated. But he can’t keep blocking me out and pretending that it never happened until the next time that he wants to get laid again.
“Fuck!” I slam my fist down once more for good measure then start the truck.
I need to get the hell out of here and I need to wash him off my goddamn body and try to move on, for good this time. I can still smell him on my skin, feel him all over me, in me.
I pull away from the sidewalk and speed down the streets, heading straight back to Wayward. My mind swims all the way there and I can’t deny how he makes me feel. How he’s always made me feel.
During those times that he’s only Charlie, the Charlie that is free and not the husband that he thinks he still should be, I know that I have his full attention, that he’s in the here and now with me.
It’s when his eyes glaze over with guilt that he goes back to the past, he’s not Charlie then. He’s only Emmy’s husband and there’s nothing I can do to make it better, nothing I can do to stop it from happening. Staying around him only makes it worse, reminding him of what we’ve done. I learned that early on and now if it’s not me who escapes, it’s him.
I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep living my life knowing that I’m only good enough for Charlie when he decides that I am for the night.
I’ll never be able to match what Emmy gives him because there’s too much history and memories.
It’s time I took a stand and cut him out of my life once and for all. I should be with someone who will love me for me and not want to throw me away once he’s had his way.
The problem is that I’m not even sure that he exists, at least not for me.
“You collect the drink orders from the tables in the main area, bring them back to me. I make them and then you serve them, it’s that simple.”
“Right, okay,” I answer Garrett as he leans against the other side of the bar, a towel draped over his shoulder as he lifts another glass and wipes it dry.
Tonight is my first shift at Diva’s and I have exactly twenty minutes to learn all the ins and outs of my new job before the doors open and the patrons come in.
Little do they know that I’ve been preparing for this for days. I have my tight jeans on with one of the tank tops that has “Diva’s” written on the front and my gun hidden away in my holster on my ankle. I don’t go anywhere without Betty attached to my body or at least close by. Good old Betty has been by my side since I first started at MAC Security and fits to my hand perfectly. I break it down and clean it daily. I’m a firm believer that looking after your tools is important, especially when it’s a gun.
I certainly wouldn’t be serving drinks here without some kind of protection. Not when I know the kind of clientele that comes in here.
Now the real work begins, both serving drinks and watching who comes and goes. Keeping tabs and committing their faces and names to memory.
I spend hours going back and forth between the bar and the tables, all the while introducing myself and getting people’s names.
The only table I haven’t ventured toward is the one that Jonny is sitting at with a group of four guys. They look to be in deep conversation and I know I need to get closer to them if I stand any chance of finding out what they’re talking about, but I need to bide my time. I need to be clever about it.
The lights in the main room dim down, signaling that it’s time for the second act of the evening so I go back to the bar, leaning against it as I watch the woman dance her ass off.
People think that being a stripper is seedy, but the way I see it, you have to have real stamina and skill to be able to dance like that five nights out of seven. To be able to get that high up on the pole and only grip it between your thighs. I tried a class once, that shit was hard and I was left with bruises all over my body and aches in muscles that I didn’t even know existed.
“Take it to the boss,” Garrett says, pushing a tray of drinks and a bottle over to me. I smile at him and he frowns back. I smirk, knowing that he’s the kind of guy that likes to have as little interaction as possible, either that or he’s decided that he doesn’t like me.
“Got it,” I tell him, balancing the tray of glasses on one hand and holding the bottle in the other, weaving through the chairs and booths, trying not to disturb the people whose eyes are intently watching the main stage.
“Will be here in five days,” I hear Jonny say.
I try to be as silent as I can as I place the tray down and hand them each a tumbler and the bottle of whiskey. No-one talks as I hand them out and I flash Jonny a nervous smile before backing away.
“Kitty?” he calls.
“Yeah?” I ask, turning back around to him and shuffling my feet. Most people take it for a nervous gesture which is fine by me because it adds to the innocent act I’m trying to portray. It’s anything but that, I just like to be able to feel the weight of Betty on my ankle.
“Come and meet some of my… friends.”
Friends? Yeah, right.
“Okay.” I move forward and stand to the side of the booth. Jonny’s hand comes out and wraps around my waist, bringing me down next to him and into the booth with them.
“Marco, Dennis, Truman, and Giovanni.” He points to each of the men in turn and I take note of who is who but it’s hard to take in all of their features in this dim light.
I offer them all a small wave and shift in my seat. Jonny must think that I’m about to get up because his hand comes down on the top of my thigh and squeezes gently.
“Hi,” I say softly.
I’m rewarded with a couple of “heys” and a grunt back.
“So how you liking your first shift?” Jonny asks, coming closer to me so that I can hear him over the pulsing beat of the music.
“Yeah, it’s good.” I smile.
“You have any trouble you make sure you come to me, okay?”
I frown at the look of concern in his eyes, he told me to talk to security if there were any problems.
“Okay.” I clear my throat. “I better get back.”
“Yeah.” He squeezes my thigh once more and I ignore the jolt that it sends through me, telling myself that it’s nothing before standing up and getting back to work.
I don’t stop serving until nearly 3 a.m. and by the time I’m wiping the last table down, I feel like I could sleep for a week. I think I’ve walked about a hundred miles tonight while serving drinks.
Note to self—buy comfortable shoes for tomorrow.
Garrett closes up the till and shuts down the ba
r, heading through to the staff area and I follow, going to get my bag out of my locker so I can get the hell out of here and to my bed.
All the dancers left about an hour ago just after the club closed so there’s only me, Jonny and Garrett left here now.
“See you tomorrow,” I say to Garrett as he passes me in the back corridor.
“Yeah,” he grunts back.
Jeez, what’s up his ass?
I shake my head and push through to the staff room, opening up my small locker and grabbing my bag before flinging it over my shoulder. I pull my burner phone out quickly, checking that none of the guys at the warehouse have tried to get a hold of me.
It’s all clear so I shove it back into my bag and close my locker.
“You need a ride, Kitty?”
I jump at the deep voice, my hand flying to my chest.
“Fuck! I didn’t see you there,” I gasp, trying to catch my breath as my heart pounds like a drum in my chest.
He chuckles and steps forward, shoving his hands into his suit pants pockets.
“Sorry.” His lips lift up into a smile and if I wasn’t who I am, I probably would have swooned.
I can see why girls go crazy over him, with dark hair styled to perfection and those gray eyes that bore into you, promising to do really naughty things.
Stop, Kitty! Don’t go there.
“So… you need a ride?”
I frown at him. How did he know I needed a ride?
“Joel told me your truck wouldn’t start.” He shrugs, answering my unspoken question.
“Joel?”
“Yeah, you know he’s my little brother, right?”
“No.” I shake my head. “No, I didn’t.”
“Yeah,” he says, leaning against the wall. “He told me you moved into Wayward, not a nice place for a girl like you to live on her own.”
I shuffle my feet, only this time it is a nervous gesture. I knew he’d have checked me out, I just hope he doesn’t think it’s too strange that I moved in and then got a job here almost straight after, because that wouldn’t bode well for me at all.
“It’s okay, I guess. Not too bad if you pretend the cockroaches aren’t there.”
He chuckles and pushes up off the wall, walking closer to me. “Both you and I know that’s not what I mean, darlin’.” I swallow at his close proximity and try my hardest not to look away. “Because I have a feeling that you can take care of yourself.”
Now’s the time I have to decide whether I’m going to act like the sweet and innocent girl I was going to pretend to be, or whether to just be me, at least part of me anyway.
“Yeah,” I say, deciding that going with some of the truth is easier. “I can.”
His eyes rove over my body, and I swear I can almost feel them whisper against my skin.
“So.” I clear my throat, stepping back. “That ride?”
His eyes flash. “You can take a ride with me anytime, darlin’.”
I swallow. Somehow, I don’t think he’s just talking about a ride home.
I press the numbers on the keypad of the shitty little phone, numbers that I memorized by heart so that I leave no trail of who I really am. Pressing the call button, I hold it to my ear and listen to the ringing tone that comes over the line. It’s four in the afternoon now and the last time I checked in was just before work last night.
But on account of the fact that I didn’t walk into the apartment until nearly five this morning, I’ve only just woken up.
“Kitty,” Ty barks through the speaker. “Cutting it close.”
“Well, hello to you too.” I hear his answering huff down the line and before he says anything else, I decide to throw my idea out there. “Boss, I can’t check in every day, there’s gonna be times when I just can’t. I didn’t get in until five this morning and I’ve only just woken up. These shifts are cray cray.”
He’s silent and I start to wonder whether I’ve crossed the line. Although I’m undercover on my own, it doesn’t mean that I can dictate how everything is run. Ty’s the boss for a reason.
“Yeah,” he sighs. “I guess you can’t.” I open my mouth to say something else but he cuts me off. “I want you to check in every forty-eight hours. But I won’t step in unless I don’t hear from you for seventy-two. How does that sound?”
“Better,” I murmur.
“You still know the emergency number, yeah?”
“Yeah.” I smile, knowing that at least someone out there actually worries about my safety and cares what happens to me.
“Good. Anything yet?”
“I got introduced to some of his guys last night,” I tell him as I lift out of bed and pad through to the small kitchen.
“Names?”
I pull the OJ out of the fridge and pour a glass. “Giovanni, Marco, Dennis, and Truman.”
“Last names?”
“Didn’t get them,” I say, taking a long swallow of the refreshing juice.
“Anything else?”
“Yeah.” I place the glass into the sink and walk into the bathroom, turning the shower on. “The goddamn truck broke down, which means I had to catch a ride home from Jonny.”
“Fuck! I’ll get Luke to come and fix it.”
“No!” I shout. “If Luke comes here then Joel will know I have friends, it’s best he thinks that I don’t.”
“Joel?”
“Yeah, he kind of runs Wayward, but Jonny told me last night it’s his brother.”
“How are you gonna get to work if you don’t have a truck?” he asks and I can almost hear his frown over the line.
“Jonny said that he’d pick me up and drop me off until I can get the truck fixed.”
Ty goes silent again and I just know he’s thinking what I am. As soon as Jonny offered last night, or I should say this morning, I knew it was a good idea. The more alone time I spend with Jonny, the closer I’ll get and the more I’ll find out.
The truck breaking down may have been a good thing. At least, I hope it will be a good thing. Only time will tell.
“Okay, do that and keep me updated.”
“Will do.” I click the end call button as I walk into the bathroom and place the burner on the top of the vanity before I strip my clothes, ready to get the bar stench from last night off me.
Pulling up next to my dad’s work cabin, I push out of the SUV and make my way up to the big house. My childhood home is meant to be a happy place. A place where you remember all of those fun and happy things you did when you were growing up: like building a treehouse, sleepovers with your friends, family dinners, that sort of thing.
But for me, as I look at the wrap-around porch that surrounds the entire house and the chairs that sit on it, I can’t not see Emmy sitting there. She’d sit on that porch, watching the sun come up every morning and watching it fall every night. There wasn’t a day that she missed it, she said that it started and ended her day just right. She’d watch the sky while I watched her, the only sounds around us were wildlife and birds chirping.
This place only brings back painful memories for me now, memories that hurt so much sometimes it feels like I’m going to explode. She’s everywhere I look here and there’s no getting away from it.
Time. That’s what they said I needed, but they’re wrong. Time doesn’t heal anything, in fact, it makes it worse. All that time does is make me struggle to remember what her voice sounded like, the way she laughed, even how she smelled. Such small things, but as each day passes, it gets harder and harder to remember.
“Son?” I spin around, wide eyed.
“Oh, hey, Dad.” I try to smile but I know for a fact that it doesn’t come across, I’m stuck back there, in the past.
“You good?” he asks, standing next to me.
“Yeah,” I say, scraping my hands down my face, trying in vain to make the memories evaporate into thin air.
It doesn’t work though, every time I come onto my parents’ land, I’m assaulted with too many memories. Which is part o
f the reason why I try not to come here often.
Dad looks at me, understanding shining through his chocolate brown eyes, eyes that we all inherited. He may think he understands, but he doesn’t. He can’t possibly know what I went through, he’s never had to deal with that kind of loss and hopefully never will because it broke me beyond repair.
“Your ma is looking forward to seeing you,” he says, walking toward the house.
I know it’s a dig at me, like he thinks I should visit more, but between my job and not wanting to come back to this house, I just don’t visit. That fateful day I also lost my parents because cutting them out almost completely was better than seeing them here and reliving the memories which would only bring me back to square one.
“Charlie!” I hear Ma’s voice come from the front door and my head shoots up, my face breaking out into a smile. My ma is one of those women, the kind who looks after everyone and loves them no matter what. That doesn’t just include people, it also includes animals. As a kid, there were always sick or abandoned animals that she’d bring home from the vet’s office that she owned.
My arms go around her as soon as I’ve climbed the steps and I breathe her in, realizing how much I miss her.
“Hey, Ma.”
“How are you doing, son?” She places her hands on my cheeks, looking deep into my eyes, holding me in place so that I can’t look away.
“Yeah, I’m good,” I say, not wanting to tell her that it kills me every time I come here. That I can feel my heart breaking in my chest.
She nods slowly, almost as if she knows that I’m lying to her and leads us into the house. I come to an abrupt halt when I hear other voices and look over at her, silently asking what’s going on.
“Ty and Kay came over,” Ma says as way of explanation. “Oh, and Ava and Corey too.”
I frown at her. I didn’t know that Ava was in town, we’re close, we have been since she came into all of our lives. When she was going through a really bad time, I made sure I was there for her every step of the way.
I walk into the dining room, searching for Ava straight away. Her ice blue eyes capture mine and she smiles softly, standing up and pushing back her chair before she walks over to me. My arms wrap around her automatically as she leans her head on my chest, squeezing me around my waist.
The Distance Between Us (Mac Security Series Book 3) Page 5