by J. C. Allen
The spark I’d felt… I could see that she had felt it too. As weird as it sounded, I had such a fear that she would say she wasn’t interested in romance; that she appreciated me rescuing her and the night we’d had, but that she didn’t have the same lust for me as she had before. Maybe it was crazy, but in my life, predicting and being prepared for the crazy was a prudent, healthy move, not an insane one.
And despite that, she said she wanted to see you again. She’s not bothered by you wanting to see her so quickly—she’s excited by it. It makes her like you more.
Man, what could go wrong?
I drew in a deep breath, amazed at how just the memory of Eve managed to steel my breath, and pulled the chopper into the shop’s parking lot.
As I walked into the shop, a few of my crew offered me a nod. It was one of those almost-a-full-bow nods—the sort that soldiers throw out for high-rankers and presidents who they weren’t expecting to see—and, though I hated it, I smiled and nodded back.
They paused, stunned at my response, and it occurred to me that I usually had an eye roll or a scowl reserved for those nods. And I’d gone and turned their whole world around in an instant by not rolling my eyes or scowling. Suffice to say, things seemed to be changing rapidly in my life, and mostly for the better—I didn’t want to jinx it, God forbid that, but I held up hope that this was a promising sign…
Just don’t let the other shoe drop until Eve is safe. That’s all I ask.
Curious, I looked around and quickly noticed that a good number of other crew members were stealing stunned glances at me, seeming surprised by my face.
Because… I was actually smiling. Still. After that entire ride. After all those thoughts.
Eve, you are really something else.
It was actually pretty funny, the semi-ridiculousness of it all. It was the sort of thing I’d usually laugh at.
And so, I thought, fuck it, why not? I laughed.
This, too, was met with confusion, but a more positive, hopeful breed of confusion. I felt like everyone who saw it felt like maybe things were turning around.
I was pretty sure they were right.
Coming around a stack of crates, Roost all but froze in the middle of hoisting one of them to the top of a stack. The wooden crate looked heavy, but Roost was slinging around the two-hundred pound cargo like it was an empty shoebox. The moment he saw me coming, however, the crate’s weight seemed to become an issue and he nearly toppled over with it.
I could have pressed him on the contents of the box—and probably would later in the day—but decided I wanted to share some of my joy today. Managing to capture the blunder and slip it into its place atop the other crates, Roost regarded me with cautious, skeptical optimism. As well he should have—he probably suspected I was about to pull out some epic prank by the way my eyes were narrowed in on him.
“What?” I asked, feigning concern, “Is there something on my face? Or… Nope, I didn’t forget to dress myself; not naked. Unless those invisible fibers that man used to make my outfit wasn’t really—”
“Hot dicks an’ overweight chicks, Chase,” Roost said, emphasizing every word to override me. “Are ya actually fuckin’ smiling? Sweet hoppin’ holy shit, m’boy, ya get laid or somethin’?”
I frowned at that, rolling my eyes at his question. The gesture actually felt wrong now. As ridiculous as the idea would have been a week ago, I felt like a holier-than-thou prude and was kind of proud of it. I didn’t “get laid or somethin’.” I had a wonderful time with a woman… not just any woman, but Eve.
“You saw me the other day after I got laid, why you asking me now?”
“Well… yeah, I guess yer right. But still… ya look… fuck! I don’t know! Ya look…” He furrowed his brow and shook his head, doubtful, still in disbelief. I knew what he was going to say, and I took a sort of smug satisfaction in his shock. “Ya look… happy.”
I let the words hang for a few moments, as if dramatic tension might make Roost believe just for a second I was fucking with him.
But then I couldn’t hold it in.
“Bingo!”
Matty’s brow raised, intrigued. Once more, silence filled the air, but more because I assumed Roost was going to say something.
“Well don’t leave us all in suspense, boy!”
Oh, he wants me to speak.
“Alright, alright,” I nodded, leaning against a stack of crates and pausing when they didn’t topple. See, things really are going well? “So you know how I went off to that Falcon party or whatever the other night?”
“Ya mean the suicide mission I begged ya not to go off on?” Matty scolded. “The one where ya almost got yerself killed cuz ya damn mind went and got lost?”
“Yeah, whatever! I’m here and not dead, right?”
Roost rolled his eyes, which I suppose was fair—I had gone in on a suicide mission. I’d just left on a life mission.
“Just let me finish, OK?”
“Kay,” Roost said, folding his arms across his chest. “I’m listenin’.”
I took a deep breath, preparing to break the news. It was only now, telling someone else for the first time, that I realized this story did sound just a tad bit ridiculous and unexpected. I’m going to this party to die and kill my mortal enemy and, surprise, I find love in a hopeless place! Bet you never saw that coming, because I sure as hell never did!
“I actually ended up meeting someone.”
Matty’s still-raised brow crinkled into something almost cartoony. I noticed people around us staring in disbelief, as if what I had just said was akin to saying I was the second coming of Jesus. Roost’s eyebrow suggested I’d said something even more preposterous.
“Someone?” he asked. “Ya mean like… a… a girl?”
“No, Roost, like a guy! I decided I’ve been gay all along. Of course a girl!”
Matty frowned at that and shook his head. I tried to be fair to Roost, but I could see he wasn’t getting it—and, I had to admit, it was a tad bit frustrating.
“I thought ya just said this wasn’t about sex.”
“Because it’s not about sex, Matty,” I said, using his real name for emphasis. “Holy shit, man, she’s…”
I suddenly got into a state I rarely found myself in—tongue-tied.
“Yes?” he pressed.
“I… well… she’s…”
For fuck’s sakes, I knew I liked Eve, but I didn’t think she would do this to me! In front of my mentor and the closest thing to family I have left and I sound like a boy describing the first time he kissed a girl. Christ!
“She’s just different,” I finally got out, shaking my head. “I don’t know how else to describe her, I just feel something for her that’s…well, it reminds me of how I felt with…”
Did I dare to say it?
“Maggie.”
I swear everyone stopped, all the music cut off, and no one dared to even breathe at hearing what I had just said. Even I couldn’t believe myself. For what I had just stated…
That would not just have felt wrong, it would have felt sacrilegious not too long ago.
Now?
Logically, it was a bit of a leap and probably something that the recency of seeing Eve was clouding.
But, honestly? If it wasn’t fully yet the truth, it wasn’t that far removed from it.
“I don’t know, Roost, I feel right again; I feel like myself!”
I finished speaking and suddenly felt very anxious. I felt nervous at what Matty’s thought towards the situation and I bit my lip at the realization that I actually cared a lot about his input on this matter. Plenty of people were yes men to me, but I valued him precisely because he was not.
“So ya met her at the Falcon’s event?” he asked.
He said it very, very stoically and without emotion. I began to see where he was going with this and it left me a little terrified.
“She actually helped me get out of there—helped keep me from probably getting myself killed
—and… and then, well, the past couple of days, we’ve gone on a date or two.”
“Ya actually took a girl out on a date?” he asked, disbelieving. “Well, fancy that.”
“I know, right? I couldn’t believe it either, but…”
Roost still didn’t look convinced I was serious, so, to shake him and everyone else out of the mood, I made it a point to exaggerate my laugh.
“Roost, I just had to tell you! What with all your ball-busting and ‘need a girl to be happy’-talk I just… ahh, fuck it. I’m surrendering, Roost. You… you were right.”
“Ho ho hoooo, what did I tell ya!” Roost crowed as the rest of the crew laughed somewhat uneasily, but their laughter slowly became more natural as they saw I wanted them to enjoy humor at my expense. Gone—well, at least departed for the time being—was the Derek who slammed crates, cursed out his second-in-command, and did things with a true death wish. Here was the new Derek, willing to laugh at himself and move on from his past.
“Ya do look different, Derek, that’s fer sure,” Matty grinned widely… but then I could see a look of warning grow on his face.
And while the rest of the crew had slowly returned to work, no longer concerned I was about to look delirious, I knew Roost still had his thoughts I’d have to address.
“But… but ya say she was at that event, right? Any idea what she was doin’ there?”
The suspicion in his eyes was obvious. For now, though, I just decided to play it coy and straightforward.
“Yeah, it’s not what you’re probably worrying about though. I guess the Falcons wanted hookers strolling around and selling at the event to ‘entertain’ the guests.”
Matty paused and stared at me for a long time.
“Wait, are ya sayin’ this girl yer goin’ on about is a whore?”
How dare you. I scowled at him. Did he not hear anything I had just said about taking her out? Did he really think I’d do that with someone I only saw as a whore?
“She’s a prostitute, yes. So what? It’s just a job, Roost; Dad used to work with prostitutes all the time, remember? She’s still a person, and if I have my way, I’ll have her out of that job by the end of the week.”
“I’m not sayin’ she ain’t a person, an’ I ain’t concerned about her bein’ a whore either, Derek,” he said right back, his voice equally stern. “What I’m worryin’ ‘bout is what ya should be worryin’ ‘bout, too!”
“And what’s that?” I asked, crossing my own arms over my chest.
Roost rolled his eyes at me, and I could see both of us were losing patience with the other—at least we had plenty of experience in that department.
Still, such conflict between us over a girl was a new arena, not one we had ventured into like this before.
“Ya just said she was workin’ the event, Derek—workin’ a Falcon event—which means she works for the Black Falcons.”
I sighed and shrugged. This didn’t surprise me. She’d told me as much. But she also told me that she hated Rock and would kill him if she could.
“So?” I asked, “You telling me that two people can’t date just because one works at Wal-Mart and the other works at Target?”
I knew that was a weak analogy, but I had gotten to the point where my attitude had shifted toward aggressive and condescending.
“If Wal-Mart starts fuckin’ gunning down Target employees an’ sellin’ meth to kids in li’l baggies with smiley faces at discount prices then—fuck yes!—that’s what I’m sayin’!”
OK, fair. But enough of this nonsense.
“She fucking hates the Falcons, Roost,” I said. “It’s not like she’s going to try to hurt me. We have a real connection! We’ve gone on multiple dates! Hell, she showed up an hour late to her shift to spend time with me! You don’t think that she likes me? You think she’s going to back stab me?”
“Damnit, Derek, get yer goddamn head outta yer ass,” Matty said, and whatever smiles had spread across our shop in the minutes before had faded. “First, if she’s late, don’t get yer hopes up on seein’ her again.”
My eyes teemed with rage, no matter how accurate a prognosis that was.
“Second, of fucking course she hates the fucking Falcons, Derek. Ya think a whore workin’ the streets for them is living a high life? Fuck no, man; do ya know how they treat their sex workers, man? Ya really think they even lead a bad life? Hell naw. They lead a shit life! An’ don’t take this the wrong way, but ya jumped the gun thinkin’ I was worried ‘bout yer ass. Boy, if I thought—if any of us thought—that ya couldn’t cut it an’ hold yer own then ya wouldn’t be where ya are, got me? But when the fuckin’ leader of the Saviors starts trollipin’ around with one of the Falcon’s whores, you wanna know what happens?”
I knew. I fucking knew. But that didn’t mean I needed to hear it so explicitly—
“They’re likely to put a bullet in her just so they know ya ain’t gettin’ no free pussy off them. Hell, they’d do it jus’ knowin’ it’d piss ya off!”
Just the thought of that… the thought of Eve getting dragged before Rock… the gun being pulled out… the bullet loaded… the gun pointed to her head…
“FUCK!”
Well, so much for not knocking crates over today.
I had to catch my breath as the rattling filled the room. I tried my best not to show that I was emotional to the point of my eyes watering. I tried my best to stay composed.
Until she’s gone, until she’s really gone, don’t you dare assume she will be gone. She’s a wily girl… if she gets into a bad spot, she’ll figure shit out.
But Roost’s point was one I had ignored, or at least given minimal attention to, for the sake of being in the moment of lust and joy with Eve. I had not spent any time contemplating the fallout and had just let myself be with her. That was the right move when I was actually with her—but I should have given myself some time to think about it when she was gone.
“So… are you telling me to break it off?”
Matty sighed heavily and leaned his head back, thinking. I knew he wouldn’t go straight to saying “yes” without a damn good reason, but the fear that he would gnawed at my stomach all the same.
“It’s a tough place ya gone an’ put yerself in,” he said, rubbing his chin.
He let the words hang, as if to force me to make a decision. But all he’d really done was describe the context of my problem, not the direction to go in, and I already knew damn well the context of the problem.
“Ya know…” he began, and I stared intently at him. “There was this frilly-collared fag by the name o’ Billy Shakes-a-spear—fruity fuck wrote all sorts of stage shows an’ whatnot. All basically porno and bloody, Jerry Springer-level drama bullshit. I’m sure ya’d just get a kick outta all of it.”
I groaned and buried my face in my hands.Really? Were we going to play these games with a conversation this serious?
“I’ve heard of William Shakespeare, Roost,” I said. “Not an idiot. Get to the fucking point.”
“Point’s this: that frilly fuckin’ fag scribbled a li’l ditty not unlike this situation yer in now. Couple o’ punk-fuck kids who thought they’d dodge around together even though their folks was basically wagin’ World War Three on one ‘nother.”
I stared, not up to trying to explain all that was wrong with what he’d just said. Because even if Roost had some of the details right, I knew the message he was about to deliver was cold, harsh, and true.
“An’ they think that shit don’t matter none. Not to them. Why? ‘Cause—fuck all!—they were in love. Well guess what, Derek, shit didn’t work out fer him ‘n her, in the end. Big spoiler, I know, but this exact sort of shit got those kids dead! An’ this shit could very well get you dead too! It’ll almost certainly get her dead! So, sure, I’m happy that ya finally found a girl who helped turn yer tailspin around and helped ya pull outta that nose-dive ya was in, but why in the fuckin’ hell did ya have to go an’ do it with a Falcon whore? And why the fuck di
d ya have to let yerself fall so hard so damn fast?”
I didn’t like that Matty was right, I didn’t like that Eve and I were likely to fail from the start for reasons that had nothing to do with us. I clenched my eyes shut, knowing the truth and still not wanting to end it, still not wanting to stop the feeling I’d had ever since meeting her.
Hell, just the possibility of it all was letting that familiar darkness thrive and grow back into being, just waiting to get strong enough to swallow me again.
But…
Eve had done too much good for me. She had brought me a joy and happiness I had never expected to ever find again, let alone capture. From the moment she mentioned intellect on the street corner to that kiss we shared less than an hour ago, Eve had made my life cheerful, better, and without the usual darkness.
If I died, well, I’d already headed down the path of death and destruction. I was just going to go back to where I started, not be worse. If Eve died, well, I’d be the one going down the path of vengeance, and then I couldn’t suffer in the darkness of death.
So it was simple.
“I know all about Romeo and Juliet, Roost,” I said. “I know that we’re taking a big risk. But I… I’m not going to let this go. I’m not going to let her go. She might be a whore, and she might work for the Falcons, but that doesn’t mean a damn thing. I need this, Matty. I need it to work. It’s really not an option for me at this point. I ride this out as long as it’ll go.”
He watched me, his eyes moving around me, seeming to pick up each little nuance that had changed in me. Slowly, as he finished his scan, he sighed, his large body sagging with resignation. Roost did a lot to stand up to me, but even he could not change my mind on things like this.
“Ah, hell, kid,” he groaned, nodding. “Alright. Okay. If this is what ya need then… then maybe ya can prove that story wrong, y’know? Really stick it to that Shakes-a-spear fag. Hell, that story’s what, thousand years old? Things must’a changed since. Just… be safe, kid. And be sure to introduce me to her soon as ya get the chance. I gotta give the final appraisal and make sure she’s got all the necessary warnings about dealin’ with a beast like ya.”