Lust

by Geoff Ryman

  Phil crooked an elbow and lay his head on it. ‘You’re sure of that, are you?’

  ‘Please,’ pleaded Michael. He knew he was in a right old state, hair everywhere, face all red. Helplessness is so attractive.

  With his other arm, Phil reluctantly took his shoulder and pulled Michael closer to him.

  ‘Phil still loves you,’ the Angel said, but his voice was business-like.

  All of Michael’s inner scaffolding sagged with the weight. But it didn’t give.

  Phil spoke in a voice that might as well have come from the grave, consoling, beyond reach. ‘I still love you but for the wrong reasons. I moved in with you because I was terrified. I’d just left home, and you were my protector and for a while my provider. And I realized, if I stayed with you, I’d be terrified of life forever. I’d stay shallow and superficial because I would stay a teenager. Thank you for your offer. Thank you for making it an offer, when you could have made it a command. But I’m Phil.’ The Angel seemed to stab himself in the heart with his hand. ‘And Phil doesn’t want to be here. I know what I’ll become if I stay here. I’d still be a boy at sixty.’

  There was an unspoken question lurking in the sound of the rain.

  ‘And Michael, you would turn into stone.’

  ‘Il faut accepter,’ murmured Michael. It was something an elderly French woman once said to him on the Metro. She had caught Michael and Philip subtly mocking her dress and manner: the tartan skirt, the heavy sensible shoes. She told him how she filled her days since her husband’s death and the departure of her sons, and how she had overcome her depression.

  You have to accept. If you keep saying no, nothing moves on.

  The curtains stirred as if the window were open. Philip was gone.

  Michael stood up to make himself a cup of tea. He passed the dishes on the dresser and thought: the cups are mine, but most of the crockery is Philip’s.

  The downstairs buzzer growled. It was Henry.

  ‘Michael? Can I come up?’

  Was he supposed to say no? When he opened the door of the flat, Henry stood, dripping wet and looking sad for him. He carried an empty khaki bag. ‘Hi. I hope it hasn’t been too rough on you.’

  Michael didn’t answer. After a moment he stood aside to let Henry come in. ‘Philip sent me back to get some of his clothes.’ Henry shrugged. ‘He’s a bit of a coward.’

  Michael closed up like a sea anemone. ‘His things are in the closet there.’ Michael walked away, back to his tea. Buggered if he was going to offer Henry anything.

  Henry seemed to take forever. Cautious, calm little ruffling sounds came from the bedroom. Oh Jesus Christ, get on with it, can’t you? It isn’t the Crown Jewels you’re packing up. Michael could see Henry, folding up the shirts, the jackets. He would tenderly adjust each sleeve.

  That was my job once, except I never folded Philip’s things tenderly. I rolled them up in a fury and dumped them in the laundry box and dried them in the dryer so the shirts came out as crisp as fallen leaves.

  Michael could imagine Philip deciding which clothes he wanted. He would have kept changing his mind. He would want party gear, and jogging gear and formal wear. There would be a list, full of crossings out.

  What on earth was Henry doing? Michael’s smaller self began to imagine theft. He walked in on Henry to find jackets and shirts neatly laid out on the bed and on the floor a crossed-out list.

  What, do you think you own this place? That’s my bed, this is my bedroom. Michael’s smaller self wanted to hurl the bag and all the clothes out of the window, or at least into the hallway.

  Henry had the good grace to look embarrassed, and motioned towards the list as if to say: Phil, we both know Phil. Michael remembered; this is Henry.

  Michael said, ‘I’m sorry you were saddled with doing this.’

  ‘It’s probably easier on both of you this way. I’ll be done in a second.’

  ‘Do you want some tea?’

  ‘I’d love some. But can I finish here first? I’d like to talk.’

  Cornered.

  Michael sat waiting in the dining room like a schoolboy, ripping off the tip of his thumbnail. Finally, after five minutes, Henry came in and he poured the tea.

  Michael couldn’t think of any neutral way to start the conversation, so he asked, ‘Where are you staying?’

  ‘The Arts Club. There’s a spare room.’

  ‘Ah. That’s why he wants all his trendy gear.’

  ‘He’s very upset.’

  Michael sniffed. ‘He can come back, if he’s so upset.’

  Henry said, with a trace of a smile, ‘He may be coming back sooner than you think.’ He reached into his woollen ethnic shoulder bag and pulled out a copy of a newspaper. Henry passed it to Michael and kept his eyes fixed on Michael’s face.

  At first Michael thought it was the Financial Times. The paper had yellowed. He was wondering why Henry had given him a newspaper and why he should be interested, when he saw a photograph of Henry. The light from the camera had penetrated his brown eyes so that they looked translucent and deep, like water through clear ice. His smile looked delighted, with good reason.

  The headline read STUMPY UNLIKELY SEX SYMBOL.

  Michael felt his eyes bug out. ‘You’re Stumpy!’ exclaimed Michael. Stumpy was an anti-motorway protester who had caught the attention of the press about two years before and had become something of a celebrity.

  Of course that’s why he looked familiar. Though Henry did look a little different. Maybe he was just two years older.

  Henry coughed, uncomfortably. ‘Not exactly,’ he said, looking at Michael with a sad wariness. ‘I’m a copy.’ He waited, and Michael began to understand. ‘I was wondering if you could tell me anything about that.’

  Michael processed, and Harry gave him time. Neither of them said anything, and then after a silence too long for comfort both of them began to talk at once.

  Michael said, ‘What do you mean, a copy?’ and Henry said, with a relenting smile, ‘Obviously you don’t know anything about it.’

  Then they had to pick up the pieces of the conversation. Michael said, ‘Copy? Copy? You mean like an Angel?’

  Henry had never heard the term Angel. He turned his head as if trying to hear better. ‘No, no, I mean like the Castro brothers this morning.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, an Angel.’

  Henry paused, pressing his two hands together gently. ‘Yes, that’s what I mean.’

  Michael felt his heart thump. The next thought came to him sharp as a knife. Was there someone else who could do this? Michael did not want to be the only one who did this. He wanted someone else to talk to about it. ‘Did someone else make you? Do you know who?’

  This managed to throw Henry. ‘Someone else?’ He scratched his head and began to smile. ‘I was assuming that it had to be you. In fact, Michael, I still am pretty certain it is you.’

  ‘Why do you say that? I’ve hardly even heard of you.’

  Henry’s gaze at Michael was wistful, determined and sympathetic. ‘Philip and I met at First Out. Suddenly I was just standing there next to him and asked if I could see his copies of the free papers.’

  Henry’s eyebrows raised as if offering up the story in evidence on a tray.

  ‘That’s how Phil and I met,’ said Michael.

  Henry nodded. ‘He even said, “This has happened once before.”’

  It was as if Michael’s heart were pricked with goosebumps all over. It’s one thing to lose a property or a painting when a relationship breaks up. It is another to give away your memories. He went back and looked idly at the newspaper’s date: 17 February 1998.

  It could be that Henry wasn’t telling the truth. Maybe he was trying to shock Michael. Maybe he was playing a joke, or just wanted one up on Michael in some vague way because they were rivals in love. Michael looked at him, and Henry sat waiting patiently for him, calm and orderly and not at all fussed.

  Whatever else Michael thought about Henry, he did
n’t think he was mean, or mad, or jealous for attention or any of the other things that would explain this if it were a charade. And if it were none of those things, then what on earth was going on?

  Henry helped him out. Henry kept on talking. ‘So Philip passed me the newspapers and I realized that I didn’t really have any memories of anything else before then. I couldn’t think how I got there. I knew it was a gay coffee shop, I had information, like I had been briefed. I knew I was supposed to talk to Philip and that I was going to fancy him. I said to myself, “Gosh, Stumpy would really like to know about this. This would really interest Stumpy; he’s into mystical stuff.”’ Henry smiled and did a slight, self-deprecatory shrug that wasted not an ounce of energy. ‘Then I realized that I was Stumpy. Sort of. When Philip said, “You’re Stumpy,” I said what I said to you. “I’m only a copy.” But it was as if he didn’t hear or couldn’t remember. A few days later, there was something in the news about Stumpy being in Northampton and I knew I couldn’t be in two places at once. So I knew I was in a bit of a strange situation. And this morning I began to understand what was going on.’

  ‘But why would it be you?’ Michael was suddenly sweating and his voice was raised.

  Henry’s voice was lowered. ‘Philip said he’d always fancied Stumpy. He said he kept a kind of file? Of newspaper cuttings about him?’ It was a question but Michael shook his head no, firmly. ‘He said he did. But then he also said that he doubted you noticed.’

  ‘So?’ Michael was feeling unaccountably combative.

  ‘Soooooo … I think you may have known about Philip liking Stumpy, but only just out of the corner of your eye.’

  ‘So why would I be making up boyfriends for Philip?’

  Henry smiled indulgently, as if Michael were sweetly old-fashioned. ‘Because you love him and you want him to be happy.’

  ‘At the expense of my own marriage.’ Michael made a circular gesture of the hand that meant, come on, follow your own logic.

  ‘Maybe you want to be happy too.’

  It was like having a particularly annoying conversation with your mother, when she is all-knowing and wise and kindly.

  ‘You think I did this to get rid of Philip.’

  Henry’s nod of agreement was almost imperceptible. ‘People do things without knowing,’ he said.

  ‘Tuh!’ Michael snorted and couldn’t accept, but found that he couldn’t fully deny.

  ‘Innnnn any event,’ said Henry, drawing the word out to buy a moment’s time and staring at his hands. ‘There is one way to resolve things. And if you were to do this thing, then you would get Philip back.’

  ‘Oh yeah, and what would that be?’ Michael felt his shoulders move like a bull lowering his head. He was on the verge of concluding that this was a scam and that Henry was about to demand money in exchange for Philip. Or the address of the lab.

  ‘You could send me back,’ whispered Henry. His eyes were honest and unreadable. ‘If you send me away, then none of this would have happened. I imagine Philip would snap back into your sitting room like a rubber band.’

  It took Michael a moment to change gears.

  Henry gave the strangest, saddest smile. ‘I just thought I would make sure you knew that was possible.’

  He’s volunteering, Michael thought. He’s volunteering for non-existence. I can’t think of another word for that other than goodness. Whether he’s real or not.

  And that’s when he finally had to admit that what Henry was suggesting was likely to be true.

  ‘Thank you,’ Michael said.

  Henry shrugged. ‘You’re the ones who are real. I don’t count as much.’

  Michael found himself saying, ‘Yes you do.’

  ‘I don’t really exist. I’m not sure how fair it is on Philip for him to love someone who doesn’t really exist.’

  And Michael saw then in his eyes: he really loves Phil. And Phil must really love him.

  ‘When this thing ends, Philip will never know I existed. It won’t hurt him. I don’t really exist. There won’t be any memories for him to have, because I was never there. I couldn’t even leave him a note.’

  Henry held out his hands, smiling. He was, in fact, without hope. ‘There’s nothing I can change,’ he said. ‘Except you.’ And for just a moment there was a fleck of light along the uppermost edge of his eye.

  He sighed and sat up and looked almost merry. ‘So. What are you going to do?’

  ‘What, like destroy you?’ Michael could only splutter and shake his head helplessly. He could of course do it. He could do it and get Philip back. He could return to the long lonely nights of not knowing where Philip was. Michael remembered uncomfortable evenings with Philip’s arty friends. He could go back to silences over breakfast and to doing most of the household chores himself. Michael found that his heart sank.

  ‘I think,’ Michael said, ‘I’m going to leave things as they are.’

  ‘Do you have any idea why that might be?’

  Michael shrugged. ‘Maybe I don’t really want Philip back.’

  Henry reached across the table and took Michael’s hand. The expression welling up in his eyes might as well be called love. ‘Then. Maybe you did this to give him somewhere to go, so that you could move on as well.’

  Michael felt rebellious. ‘There are easier ways of getting rid of a boyfriend.’

  Henry’s smile was patient and unfooled. ‘Are there? I can’t think of one.’

  The gleam came into Henry’s eyes again. ‘Is … is there anything in your life you can’t talk about?’

  ‘Why, has Philip said something?’

  Henry’s smile was still sad for him as he shook his head. ‘It would probably be something you couldn’t tell Philip.’

  Michael felt only slightly flustered. His eyelids flapped like butterfly wings. He thought he was calmly considering the proposition. He surveyed the history of his life and for the moment, he couldn’t really think of anything like that.

  ‘No. Nope. No, there’s nothing.’

  Henry looked a bit disappointed. ‘OK,’ he whispered, and smiled, and rubbed the top of Michael’s hand. He quickly drank the rest of the tea. ‘I think I’d better be getting back.’

  ‘Sure. Sure, no problem,’ said Michael, unaccountably veering all the way into an American accent, and he stood up jauntily, anxious for Henry to go.

  ‘Thanks for the tea.’ Henry stood up too and, with infuriating slowness, began calmly to arrange all his things in the woollen bag. Oh come on, you can just put things in and take them out later.

  They moved into the hallway. ‘If you ever want to talk just give me a call. Or you can just run up another copy if you like.’ Henry smiled, but for once Michael was uncharmed.

  Henry luxuriated his way into his long green coat with the torn pocket. He tossed the collar straight and then leaned over, legs straight, to pick up Phil’s bag. ‘I hope I see you,’ he said. He meant it. Michael did not respond. Henry turned to go, but suddenly changed his mind. He even changed his mind gracefully. The coat swirled about him as he turned back around.

  ‘Michael,’ he said, suddenly firm. ‘This is a miracle. It’s something wonderful. Why don’t you just use it to be happy?’ Something in his eyes gripped and held. Michael remembered: this is a political leader. ‘Why don’t you just try joy?’

  Why don’t you just try joy?

  The clinic had just been set up near Michael’s work. It sold Viagra and called itself the London Professionals Registry as if it were American Express and you had to be invited to join. It had a big polished black door, just like the Prime Minister’s. Inside there was an escritoire at which sat a woman in a tight white uniform. Perhaps she was a nurse, or someone designed to look like one. She talked in cool polite tones that perched uncomfortably on the line between being polite and foreboding. The wrong sort of person was not welcome here. The wrong sort was someone who could not pay.

  Michael was ushered into what once had been someone’s salle de ré
ception. It could only have been called that: it was too gilded to be fully British. It had sofas with blue velour upholstery, and tables so fragile and flowery that they looked as if they were made of porcelain. Lined up on the tables were Tatler, Country Life – magazines found only in clinics. Michael had confirmed an appointment for twelve, but was made to wait anyway. He had time to consider the other professionals being registered.

  A dignified old black gentleman with a cane sat with his wife on the sofa. Michael presumed it was his wife. She wore a brilliant blue dress and a hat, and she matched the sofas. Her huge spectacles increased the firmness of her gaze. What are you looking at? she seemed to say. You should have seen my man when he was young. You’ve got a problem, too, or you wouldn’t be here.

  Love.

  An athletic young guy in his early twenties picked up a magazine from the table, went back to the sofa, stopped, put the first one back, and picked up another. He dropped down onto the sofa as if it were a piece of sporting equipment and crossed his legs. He flicked through the magazine at high speed, not reading. It was FHM, full of articles on how to deal with oversensitive women so they would give you sex.

  What a thing to be twenty, big, strong, fleet and to end up in bed with just the kind of girl who tries to sound understanding and can’t.

  Michael waited 25 minutes. ‘I’m sorry, I did make an appointment,’ he said to the nurse in the corridor. ‘Are you sure my papers went in?’

  ‘I’ll just check for you,’ she replied, smiling. ‘If you’d like to go back and take a seat.’

  A few minutes later, a nurse came into the room and said, ‘Mr Jones? Your prescription’s ready.’ The young guy bounded to his feet, and nipped out, as if skirting the defence in a game of basketball.

  So he’s already been seen. There is no queue. So they really are just keeping me waiting here. What on earth for? To make sure I have time to reconsider? To soak up the general ambience of money and importance? Or to soften me up? For what exactly, am I being softened?

  Investment, he decided. They want to make sure I have already invested a lot of time in this. So it’s difficult to say no.