Beware the Little White Rabbit

by Various

  “How am I to think rationally, my angel, when my heart burns with such a flaming desire?” He stretched out his arm toward her, and two tiny birds sailed down and perched on his sleeve.

  “And these birds. How am I to think rationally with all these cursed birds everywhere? One moment the fair Lady Caroline is about to declare her undying love for me. I rush to her side, and suddenly I’m in a tree covered in birds.” He shook them off with a contemptuous snort.

  “You cannot imagine the torment I have endured here alone with these detestable creatures.”

  “I don’t care,” offered Alice.

  “They blight my existence. They haunt my every dream.”

  “Good for them,” Alice gave a thumbs-up to the small flock of birds approaching his boots.

  “Oh, the agony, the suffering. Won’t you comfort me, my dear sweet love? I know your kiss can erase the painful memories I’ve collected in this silent chamber of loneliness.”

  “This is the most nauseating drivel I’ve ever heard.” He rushed forward and grabbed Alice around the waist. She smacked him in the forehead with her camera.

  “Why do you not melt in my embrace?”

  “Are you serious? Why? You’re a poorly written, stereotypical lothario from a trashy, bargain bin paperback. And that’s just for starters.” She struggled to free herself.

  “Well, yes.” He paused and considered. “I suppose I am. But why should it be an obstacle to our happiness? Don’t fight the passion that sweeps over you, enchanting creature.”

  “Okay, screw this. You’re really not giving me a choice here.” Alice raised her knee with speed and deadly accuracy. “I don’t have any more patience for this garbage.” He crumpled to the ground as she took off into the forest.

  “Sorry about killing your mojo,” she called to him over her shoulder, “but it’s your own fault.” She looked back; a bird landed on his head as he moaned and rolled around in the grass.

  “Absolutely ridiculous.” She proceeded through the woods. “I hope he eventually escapes to a place where he can learn some subtlety and better pick-up lines.”

  Faint shouting and galloping up ahead grew louder by the moment. She concealed herself behind a bush; five seconds later a stern-looking yet terrified school master blazed down the path screaming, pursued by a determined unicorn with a triumphant young boy on its back. Once they were out of sight, she emerged from hiding and gazed after them with reverent admiration. “That was just awesome.”

  As she continued forward, the trees thinned out and the sky shifted to a pale, early morning blue. A delicate mist hovered over the fresh grass. Hooting, laughing, and clanking drifted up from behind a ridge. She peeked over into an expansive valley below.

  The terrain reminded her of a pockmarked battlefield, with traces of trenches and explosions, but it seemed to have been converted into a kind of fairground. People from every culture and era strolled, played games, picnicked together in the gentle sunlight.

  A massive red-bearded Viking and a prim governess lounged in the grass, holding hands and exchanging shy glances. An old hunchbacked woman in a tattered cloak roared with delight as four Benedictine monks raced her around the field in a sedan chair. A raven-haired young girl in a blue dress patrolled the grounds on the back of a Bengal tiger, stroking its fur while chatting with the frog perched on her shoulder.

  In the center of the field a group of men lounged in a large circle, wearing military uniforms of every country, description, and time period. They drank, ate, threw their arms around each other’s shoulders, and sang in lusty voices as they clinked glasses together. Her eyes welled up. She thought of lions lying down with lambs. If someone was literally beating a sword into a plowshare somewhere down there, she wouldn’t have been surprised.

  Wiping her tears, she took picture after picture, finally stopping when she realized she’d never be able to capture it all, the quantity of kindnesses far exceeded her camera’s capacity. “I’d better get out of here before I start bawling.”

  Alice returned to the path, sniffing and red-eyed. She needed to stop and rest her head. Steadying herself against a tree, she closed her eyes. It was only for a minute, but when she looked up again it was almost twilight, and she stood at the edge of a small hamlet. It appeared deserted – only candles flickering in some of the windows indicated otherwise.

  “Plain, rough houses…a seventeenth-century settlement, maybe?” Click, click. The camera’s flash accentuated the lengthening shadows. “Not a single person outside?” She frowned.

  “I wonder if I should knock on someone’s door. It’s getting dark.” She studied the cluster of houses thoughtfully. For the first time, she felt a twinge of uneasiness. “No, this place feels wrong. I should go.”

  With no warning a muscular hand gripped her shoulder from behind and wrenched her around with such force she nearly lost her balance. A man with fierce, steely eyes glowered at her, his face contorting in disgust.

  “What is this sorcery?” he hissed, snatching the camera from her hand and smashing it to the ground. “Casting your spells against us in the shadows?”

  “Spells?” Alice grappled with confusion and anger as she cradled her throbbing shoulder. “What are you talking about?” She stared down at her camera in shock.

  “Who do you speak to alone in the woods?” he challenged.

  “I was just talking to myself. It’s a silly habit. I wasn’t – ”

  “Don’t waste your breath with lies. And the light you conjured with your talisman, what of that? Spare me another dose of your transparent deceit.” He seized her by the wrist and dragged her forward.

  “Let me go. Please let me just – ”

  “Hold your tongue, witch.”

  The word startled her like a slap to the face. He was deathly serious. How could she possibly convince him to reconsider his paranoid interpretation of her actions? Her mind raced in useless circles as he pulled her toward a dark cabin at the edge of town.

  “When will you unholy intruders learn that your dark practices will not be tolerated here?” They had almost reached the cabin when he stopped short, grabbed her by the neck, and forced her to look down. There was still enough light to make out a row of shallow graves.

  A sudden burst of nausea punched her in the throat. Fear surged through her body like electricity. She tried to break away from his grip as he hauled her inside, but it was useless. He threw her to the floor with ease. She shivered in the corner as he lit a candle.

  “Please let me go. Don’t do this,” her voice shook, and she could feel her pulse whirring in her eardrums. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

  “What a brazen liar. We know well how to deal with your kind, woman.” He grabbed Alice by her hair, dragged her across the room, and slammed her onto a massive wooden table as she clawed and struggled to free herself.

  “Stop this! Will you please listen?” Alice wailed as he secured her wrists and ankles in heavy manacles.

  “Silence.” He strode to the door. “You will have time enough for your screaming when I return with the Council of Elders,” he sneered, his eyes gleaming with sadistic pleasure. The door slammed with a hinge-rattling clap, and then all was still.

  Alice hyperventilated as she strained against the shackles. Calling for help seemed pointless. Anyone with an ounce of sympathy probably didn’t last very long here.

  “What can I do?” She tried to calm herself, but she could feel a drumbeat of terror pulsing in her throat, ready to burst out. She pulled up with her arms as fiercely as she could. It was hopeless.

  “I’m completely stuck.” She choked and sobbed in despair.

  A basket in the corner of the room shifted. She could hear faint rustling, then a tiny, sweet voice. “I know just how you feel.”

  Alice looked over at a pair of shiny eyes peeking out from the basket. “Buddy? Is that you?”

  He hopped out into the open. Clumps of cardboard stuck to the side of his body.

  �
�How did you get out of your book? How are you here?” She tried blinking away the tears so she could see him better.

  “My book landed in the water. All of a sudden I could move, and after a while I didn’t feel stuck down as tightly, so I pushed very hard with my paws until I broke free. I hope you don’t mind that I followed you.” He looked up at her with a shy smile.

  “Mind? Oh, Buddy, I’m so glad to see you.” Alice fought back tears. “I don’t know how much time I have. I’m so afraid, but seeing you makes me happy. I’m sorry I threw you across the room and got us both stuck down here. I’m sorry for everything.” She started sobbing again.

  “Please, no, don’t be sorry,” Buddy reassured her. “I love it down here. Well, this place isn’t very nice at all, but most of it is wonderful. I can hop around quietly and nobody seems to notice me. I won’t have any trouble, and being free from that book is the best feeling in the world. I’ve never been so cheerful; I can scamper, and I can shake my own tail. Look!”

  He turned around and wiggled his furry backside at Alice. She laughed, then burst into tears again.

  “At least one of us is free. Maybe you should get away from here. Those guys could come back any minute.”

  Buddy shook his little head from side to side.

  “Just because I was careless, there’s no reason for you to end up in a stew pot out of a sense of loyalty.” Alice’s voice shook. “Please go hide.”

  “I won’t go, not when I can help you.” His eyes widened with excitement as he hopped in circles.

  “There’s nothing you can possibly do.” Her voice was sad and gentle. “You’re the tiniest rabbit I’ve ever seen. I don’t think these guys are susceptible to being cute-ed to death.”

  Buddy backed up, then scampered forward, hopped as powerfully as he could, and landed next to her on the table. He rubbed his furry little head against Alice’s tear-streaked face.

  “Oh, Buddy, thank you. You’re so sweet, but you’d better go. Can’t you hear them?” The shouts and murmurs grew louder by the moment.

  “Please don’t worry,” Buddy lilted, his voice musical and soothing. “I’m very glad that I finally get to return the favor. Just close your eyes, okay?”

  “Really – ” Alice whispered. The tangle of low voices growled just outside the door.

  “Stay still now, faithful friend.” Buddy put his small front paws on her nose, eyes twinkling, and pushed as hard as he could.

  Alice’s eyes fluttered open. The side of her head throbbed. She lay sprawled on her stomach in the clammy embrace of a waterlogged Victorian sofa. As she tentatively shifted her weight a searing pain shot through her hip. Rolling over, she placed her hand over it and heard a crunching noise. The camera.

  How long had she been lying here getting rained on? Her hair and clothing were drenched, and her teeth chattered. Dragging herself to a sitting position she lowered her legs and found herself shin-deep in dark, stagnant water. Shattered floorboards fanned out in an array of startling angles all around her.

  Wading through the murky soup, she scanned for any sign of Buddy’s book floating or poking from beneath the surface. She knew it was pointless; the weak afternoon light filtering down from the hole was enough to get her to that door on the back wall, but even a floodlight couldn’t penetrate this Brew of Satan she was sloshing around in.

  What an epic failure. No pictures, no book, limping and shivering. Some badass, rescued from certain death by a bunny. It had all gone so wrong.

  Then she looked over at the sofa. It was unbelievable luck to have landed how she did. What if she’d shattered her leg or broken her back? No phone, screaming herself hoarse in futility? She could have hit her head on the floor and drowned, or been impaled on one of those enormous, menacing toothpicks. Discovered weeks or months later by another trespasser. Alice shuddered.

  Enough was enough. There might be lots of places out there that were tether-free zones, but this wasn’t one of them. She headed for the basement door, then glanced behind her at the water one last time.

  She wouldn’t worry about Buddy; everywhere was a tether-free zone for him now. Alice smiled at the thought of his little, emancipated cottontail, and rubbed her nose, which was still quite sore.

  The basement door yielded without a struggle, and the hatchway at the top of the stairs only required a gentle push to surrender its structural integrity.

  Alice limped back down the hill to the tangled hedges, feeling humbled. She was never going to leave her phone behind again. She’d learned her lesson, and by this time they’d probably learned theirs, too. A twinge of guilt for downloading that dog whistle ringtone quickened her pace. She really had to get back and turn it off. If they’d been trying to reach her all day, there wasn’t going to be any ibuprofen left for her.

  For Lucy and Daniel.

  WELCOME TO WONDERLAND, says the glittery banner stretched across the entrance. THE HOME OF HAT COUTURE. Wow. This place looks even bigger and swankier in real life. And the short, scared-looking girl staring back at me from the mirrored windows seems even more terrified than the last time I looked. Maybe just one more equipment inspection to steady my nerves: Swanky new camera phone?

  Check.

  Embarrassing lucky troll charm from an old cereal box?

  Check.

  Courage to actually see this thing through? Damn it, I knew I’d forgotten something. Maybe I should just turn round now and forget all about it. There must be a hundred other stories I could be reporting on instead, a hundred other ways to impress Jason.

  Alice, if you can get us the inside scoop on the Maddy Hatter launch at Wonderland, it’ll be the biggest story since the skinny-dipping scandal of 2012. Bigger maybe. After all, if there’s one thing the students of Dodgson High like even more than naked Spanish teachers in the school pool, it’s celebrity gossip. And gossip follows that woman round like a bad smell. Get me the lowdown on her new hat range and a picture of Dana Duchess and I’ll be your slave for life.

  Heart beating twice as fast at the merest thought of Jason Hopper?

  Check.

  Okay, deep breath. I can do this. I can. Just walk right in like I’m supposed to be there and see how far I get. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? No, don’t answer that one.

  “I’m sorry, Miss,” says the tall white rabbit guarding the door. “We’re not open to the public today. Private viewing only. I’m afraid you’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

  “N-no, I’m not a customer,” I stammer. Why would he even think that? The kind of people who shop at Wonderland are seriously rich, seriously beautiful, and, in the case of Dana Duchess, seriously famous. I wouldn’t imagine they sell much to short schoolgirl reporters with oversized heads. Last time I bought a hat, I needed an extra-large men’s. “The agency sent me. I’m supposed to be working the new Bunny Beret launch…you know Maddy Hatter’s new range.”

  “Oh yes, I know all about her new range,” he cuts in. “That’s why she’s got the entire staff dressed up in these ridiculous rabbit outfits. Do you have any idea how hot it is in one of these things?”

  “Pretty toasty,” I guess. If only I’d known that I could have hired myself a costume, too. Impersonating a rabbit shop assistant might’ve been a bit easier than blagging my way in as a bartender.

  “Try boiling,” he moans, rubbing his tail against the door handle. “Boiling hot and incredibly itchy. I’m starting to think this costume’s got fleas.”

  Could I make a story out of that? WONDERLAND EXCLUSIVE: MADDY HATTER’S ITCHY INFESTATION. What about BUNNY BERET FLEA FIASCO?

  “From the model agency, did you say?” asks the rabbit.

  What? Do I look like I’m from a modeling agency? I guess it’s hard to see properly with a furry white head stuck over your eyes.

  “Er, yes, that’s right,” I manage. “In fact it’s my first ever booking, so I’m a bit nervous. Not really sure what I’m supposed to be doing.”

  “Well, you’re late,” sa
ys the rabbit. “The others got here hours ago. You’d better get a move on. Straight through the double doors at the back of the store and right to the end of the corridor.”

  “Thank you,” I call over my shoulder as I go, rushing off before he has a chance to realize his mistake and call security. I’m in. I’ve actually done it!

  Inside the store it’s a furry flurry of activity; giant rabbits scurrying around the makeshift catwalk with chairs and tables and crates of champagne, and another two up ladders, adjusting the spotlights. Hundreds of fluffy pom-pom cottontails hang down from the ceiling, and the walls are covered in glossy framed prints of what must be the new Bunny Berets. No one seems to have noticed the short-looking human in a sea of white rabbits. I creep over to the nearest picture for a closer look. It’s pretty much like a normal beret, to be honest, only with a stuffed white rabbit perched on top. Nice. I can’t really see it catching on amongst the Dodgson High in-crowd, but it’s incredibly lifelike. Or should that be death-like? In fact, if it wasn’t for the fuss Maddy Hatter made about that other hat designer using proper fur in his advertising campaign, I’d swear that was one of Bugs Bunny’s cousins.

  “Not there, you fool. I meant there.” A painfully thin woman with a face like a fox is barking out orders from behind the counter. “Don’t carry it like that, you sniveling imbecile. You’ll scratch the paintwork. Someone fetch me another shot of Vitamin T and be quick about it.” That, I’m guessing, is Maddy Hatter herself. “Come on, you dithering dolts. I won’t settle for anything less than perfect. Do you understand? If there’s so much as a single crease in that red carpet, heads are going to roll.”

  I duck back behind a mirrored hat rack and reach into my pocket for my phone. Click. Yes, that’s a great shot. Caught her mid-yell. Click. And again. Click. Wow, she looks even angrier in that one. I should probably record some sound files to go with them. I can see the headlines already: HATEFUL HATTER BULLIES BLUNDERING BUNNIES.