The Heavier The Chains...

by M. E. Clayton

  As if reading my mind, Alex asked, “What’s the first thing you’re going to buy?”

  We stopped at the crossways that would take me to third period and her to the opposite end to her third period class as I answered, “I need a car, Alex. Nothing fancy, but something to get me around, so I can handle everything that’s going on, and not be an inco-”

  “The last thing you are is an inconvenience, Kenz,” she said, interrupting me. “It’s not like I have some super fancy life you’re interrupting.”

  I smiled, and I wanted to tell her how thankful I was for her, but we didn’t have that kind of time. The second warning bell just went off. So, instead, I said, “See you at lunch super fancy girl.”

  ∞∞∞

  Talon~

  Last night had been brutal.

  Giving Kenzlee her out to go live the life she deserved had been fucking brutal, but necessary. I meant what I had said about not competing with her money even though it killed me to say it.

  When I had seen her sitting on the park bench, I had almost back out of my planned speech. I had almost said ‘fuck it’ and forced her to be with me but, in the end, I couldn’t. Even when she threw herself in my arms, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep her. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep her, so I held on to her as tightly and for as long as I could.

  I hadn’t meant to deliver my words so harshly either, but that hadn’t taken away from their truth. I loved Kenzlee, but I could never be that guy. While I had no issues with stay-at-home dads, I couldn’t be one of them. I couldn’t stand back and watch my wife buy our house, our cars, our life. I couldn’t stand back and know my wife’s wallet was paying for our family trips or the children’s sports costs. I knew myself well enough to know that, every time Kenzlee bought herself something I couldn’t afford to get her, I’d die a little inside.

  I wasn’t going to be a miserable, resentful old man like my father, and I wasn’t going to turn Kenzlee’s life into a miserable circus because I had insecurity issues. The only way I could live with her money is if she never touched it and left it to our kids, and how fair would that be to her? Her father left her money so she could live a comfortable life and she’d have to give that up just to be with me under my conditions. She’d have to give that comfort up just to appease my male ego.

  I wasn’t strong enough for a girl like Kenzlee, and once she saw past the harshness of yesterday, she’d see I actually did her a favor.

  The bell signaling the end of third period rang, and even after spending every minute of gym class pushing weights, I still didn’t know if I’d be able to handle seeing Kenzlee during fourth. A part of me really wanted to pussy out and skip, but in order for her to believe me and move on with her life, she had to see me at my worst, and that was pretending not to give a fuck.

  Coming out of the gym, I ran into Lars, and it looked like he was waiting on me. “Hey, what’s up?”

  He fell in step with me and we headed towards our lockers. “How over Kenzlee are you, Tal?”

  My entire body froze ice cold, and the rage was suffocating. I turned towards one of my best friends in the entire world and snarled, “I swear to God, if you go near her Lar-”

  “Whoa, whoooaaa,” he breathed, his hands up in a surrendering fashion. “Calm the fuck down, dude.” Then his brows furrowed, and he went from surprised to pissed in seconds. “And fuck you for even thinking I’d do some ratched-ass shit like that.”

  I stepped back and took a deep breath. When Kenzlee ran out of the park yesterday, I had gone over to Lars and Hunter’s house and told them what had happened. They both thought I was stupid, but they also weren’t blind to the valid points I was making about Kenzlee and her new future. They also weren’t blind to how torn up I was about having to make that decision for both of us.

  “Sorry, man,” I mumbled, running my hands through my hair. “I’m…sorry. I’m just still…fucked-up over everything.” I wasn’t too proud to admit my feelings to Lars. We’d been through too much to be embarrassed in front of the guy. Hunter, too.

  “I’m just asking because…well, they didn’t see me, but I was walking behind her and Alexandria on my way to third period and I overheard them talking.”

  Great.

  This was probably the part where he’s going to tell me she already has a new boyfriend. “And?”

  “They were talking about her going back to Madison Prep,” he revealed, not realizing the fissure cracking open my chest. I gave him a tight nod to let him know I heard him and turned to continue walking to class. “That doesn’t bother you?”

  I snorted. “Lars, at this point, I’d rather her go back to Madison Prep, where I don’t have to see her every day or see her with another guy, than have her here every day waiting for the day I have to murder a motherfucker for asking her out.”

  “Good point,” he mumbled, chewing on his bottom lip. After a few steps of silence, he said, “Talon, it’s only money, man. It’s just money.”

  I looked over at him wishing he could understand, but like me, he and Hunter have never had girlfriends before. They’ve had hookups, but no one they really cared about. “It’s not about the money, Lars,” I corrected. “It’s about her happiness. Kenzlee shouldn’t have to…struggle in life when she has over two million dollars to her name. And she would struggle if she stayed with me. Dude, she’ll never have diamonds with me.”

  Lars scowled at me, and as he walked off, mumbled, “Maybe she doesn’t want diamonds, Tal. If she did, don’t you think she’d have them already. I mean, her family was filthy rich.”

  I didn’t reply because Lars’ back was already facing me as he delivered that little speck of wisdom, so I headed towards fourth period praying I wouldn’t lose my mind in the next forty minutes.

  When I finally reached fourth period, I couldn’t believe what I’d been reduced to. I was standing outside the door steeling myself to face a slip of a girl who had turned my world around in a matter of weeks. I had to actually take a deep breath and…will myself to open the fucking door. And, when I did, it was as if the air in the entire room had been sucked out.

  Kenzlee was sitting in the same spot she always was, and I knew it for the dare it was. She was daring me to sit next to her. She was daring me to face her after what I’d done. And the worst part about it?

  She was a better actor than I was.

  I walked into class as she was leaning to the side letting Linda Hernandez show her something on her phone. I wanted to act unaffected, the same as her, but I couldn’t tear my eyes off her as I walked down the aisle to my desk. Kenzlee reached for her phone as I sat down, and she showed it to Linda. They were sharing apps or looking at social media like every other girl all over the world, and Kenzlee looked positively okay.

  Mrs. Thompkins called the class to order, and Kenzlee treated me like a ghost as she opened her book and faced the front of the room, eager for whatever Mrs. Thompkins was going to teach us today.

  I thought back to what Lars had told me about her going back to Madison Prep, and I prayed she would. Seeing her today, no matter what poison I spewed yesterday, I knew I wasn’t going to win this battle of the wills.

  I thought I was strong enough to walk away from Kenzlee and her money, but sitting here next to her, knowing I no longer had the right to touch her, was killing me.

  It was fucking killing me.

  Yesterday had been full of nothing but good intentions.

  Today those good intentions no longer existed.

  Chapter 22

  The fear that tricks us.

  Talon~

  I had an hour before I had to get to the fights. I was scheduled to fight at nine, and with dinner done and Edie set for the night, I would be able to leave soon.

  I was in my room packing my bag, when the door opened, and Edie walked in. I didn’t say anything as she sat on the bed. I knew she was in here to either bitch to me about the fight or ask me about Kenzlee. It didn’t matter either way. I didn’t really f
eel like talking about either subject.

  “Talon?”

  I stopped stuffing my clothes in my bag and closed my eyes for some patience. “Edie, not now,” I begged. “Please don’t do this now.”

  “If not now, then when?” she snapped.

  I turned towards my sister. “Never,” I snapped back. “How about never, Edie?”

  “Talon-”

  “No, Edie,” I barked. “I’ve been doing this for two years, and you’ve been fighting with me about this for two years. What is it going to take for you to realize you cannot change my mind about this?”

  “You’re my brother, Talon,” she cried. “I’ll never stop fighting for you to do the right, safe thing.”

  “This is the right thing,” I argued. “Sending you to college and getting you out of this…this rut, is the right, safe thing to do!”

  “Not at the expense of your safety!” she yelled. “I’d rather have you whole, happy, and healthy than a freakin’ college degree!”

  God, this argument was old. Too old for us to keep having it, especially now that I’d made up my mind to schedule more fights. “Well, you’re going to have to get over it, Edie,” I told her. “I’ve scheduled more fights, so…you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

  She let out a painful gasp. “Why, Talon?” she whimpered. “Why on earth would you schedule more fights?”

  “Because we need the money to-”

  “I’ll get a part-time job, or something,” she cried. “I’ll start babysitting or-”

  I couldn’t do this with her now. “I need the extra money, Edie!” I roared. “I need the money if…if…”

  Her eyes, the same as mine and Mom’s, widened. “If what, Talon?”

  Fuck!

  I took a deep breath and cracked my neck side to side. I felt sorry for the bastard who had to face me later because I was feeling a million different ways of unhinged.

  I looked back at my sister and told her the truth. “I can’t pay for your college and Mom’s house with what I have saved up now and still be able to afford Kenzlee.”

  Edie’s head reared back, and she looked dumbstruck. After a few seconds she asked, “What the hell do you mean, and still be able to afford Kenzlee?”

  I dropped on the bed next to my sister and told her everything that’s transpired the past few days. I told her about Kenzlee’s father, Kenzlee’s inheritance, and about breaking up with her yesterday. I also told her about changing my mind in fourth period and skipping seventh, because I had been at my wit’s end by the time fourth period had ended, freeing me from Kenzlee’s presence.

  Edie placed her delicate hand on my knee and whispered, “Talon, your letting Dad’s…resentment cloud your image of what Kenzlee really needs.”

  I looked over at my sister and hated the hope her words were giving me. “What do you mean?”

  “Talon, since Kenzlee’s moved here, have you ever heard her, once, mention how she missed being rich or wished she had money again? Have you ever heard her talk down about us, or…do anything that would suggest money mattered more to her than you did?” I shook my head and hated that she was right. “Dad was a piece of crap, Talon, and even if he had money, he still would have been a piece of crap. His issue was his low self-esteem, not his lack of money. Mom never resented his regular job and her regular lifestyle. All she ever wanted was for her husband to love her more than he loved money, status, and his self-image.”

  “I know that, Edie,” I replied, because I did know that.

  “Kenzlee’s wasn’t looking for a rich guy when she came here, Talon. She was just looking for somewhere to belong when the place she thought she belonged no longer existed,” she said. “She was looking for somewhere safe, not somewhere fancy.”

  My stomached turned with how much I fucked this up. “I’m pretty sure I’ve lost her, Edie.”

  Edie gave me a tight nod, and if I wasn’t already sitting down, it would have knocked me on my ass. “You probably have,” she confirmed unsympathetically. “You probably have, and I’m sorry for that, Talon, but more fights are not going to win her back.”

  “I can’t back out of this one or the other two I’ve already scheduled, but…I can cut back to my normal amount of fights after that,” I promised.

  Edie threw her arms around me and the wetness on my chest was killing me. “I love you, Talon,” she wept. “I love you, and I’ll never, ever be able to repay what you’re risking for me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you have to do this for me.”

  I wrapped my arms around my sister and kissed the side of her head. “I love you, Edie. I love you more than my life. I don’t regret not one moment I spent taking care of you, little sister. I don’t regret missing out on video games to read you Snow White. I don’t regret missing out on sports to make sure you could join the ones you wanted. I don’t regret a single fucking thing I’ve ever sacrificed for you Edie, because they weren’t sacrifices. All of it was just the way I loved you. The way I still love you. You and Mom.”

  Edie was sniffling in my shirt, but I still heard her, all the same. “Then let Kenzlee decide if giving up her money is a sacrifice or if it’s just the way she loves you, Tal.”

  I pulled back from my sister and kissed her on her forehead. “I need to get going, Edie,” I told her. I had a fight to get to, and I still had a lot of confused frustrations to work out. “I love you.”

  I stood up and went back to packing my bag as she replied, “I love you, too.” That’s all she said as she stood up and walked out of my bedroom.

  The second she shut the door, I sat back down and ran my hands through my hair. I meant everything I said to Edie. I hate my father something fierce, but I never resented having to help my Mom out or help take care of Edie. But what Edie didn’t realize was that she deserved everything we sacrificed for her. She was a good kid who deserved every opportunity that came her way. I just happened to be one of her opportunities.

  The women in my life weren’t burdens; they were blessings.

  Hopefully, I wasn’t too late to convince Kenzlee that she was the biggest one of them all.

  ∞∞∞

  Kenzlee~

  I knew Talon had a fight tonight. I knew it because I couldn’t get away from it all day at school. Everyone knew something was up when we ignored each other during fourth period, but the buzz really started to get going when he didn’t show up for seventh. And, since no one really knew me, no one was brave enough to ask me what was going on.

  The pathetic part of it all?

  Had someone asked me, I don’t think I would have been able to voice the words out loud. Telling Alexandria was one thing because she wouldn’t judge me if I took Talon back tomorrow. But voicing it out loud to a stranger was different. It made it…real; absolute.

  Weak.

  That word again.

  I was weak where Talon was concerned. He had torn my heart out coldly and brutally, and I was still so in love with him, I didn’t want to say the words that would make our breakup real.

  A small part of me still hoped that…that he hadn’t meant what he said. A small part of me hoped that he’d come to his senses to beg for forgiveness.

  It’s funny how many stages of heartbreak there are. First, you’re devastated. Second, you’re angry. Third, you vengeful and cling to your pride for survival. After that, it’s anybody’s guess, but eventually, you reach the shameful part of the process where you realize you’d take him back if he just apologized.

  We always come to that point where you just want the love of your life back, the only difference is how long that feeling lasts and what’s stronger; your head or your heart.

  For me, my heart was proving to be the stronger of the two because, here I was, at another underground makeshift arena, waiting on Talon’s fight.

  I was here because I didn’t want anyone knowing we broke up. I was here because I worried something might happen to him. I was here because my love for him was stronger than my pride now that i
t no longer had hurt and anger backing it up.

  I was here because I was weak.

  Alexandria thought I was here because true loved always prevailed.

  Alexandria needed to get her head examined.

  The music roared through the speakers and it was like déjà vu. Alex and I made our way to the edge of the ring, and people moved for us. With no one knowing that Talon dumped me, I was still given girlfriend privileges. I just hoped Talon wasn’t callous enough to humiliate me in front of everyone. I prayed he wasn’t, but I was willing to risk it, anyway.

  I’m not sure what it would take for Talon to push me away for good, but right now I was still unsure about us, and I couldn’t walk away when there was still hope. Granted, it was a small grain of hope only, but I noticed how he couldn’t stop looking at me in class today.

  I noticed.

  Talon made his way into the ring and the cheers rang out and the noise tripled in sound. Everyone was cheering, and the excitement was contagious. The announcer made the introductions, and while Talon’s opponent looked to be a little bit bigger than he was, Talon seemed unconcerned. His eyes were trained on the guy and he looked completely in the zone.

  Or, at least, I had thought he’d been.

  Right before Talon went to meet in his opponent in the middle for the customary good luck, his head turned, and he pierced me with those hypnotizing blue eyes of his. The connection lasted all of two seconds, but Talon knew I was there. I just didn’t know if he knew I was there for him or not.

  The bell rang, and I watched as this fight took on a completely different vibe. Talon’s last fight had been violent, but swift. Talon had teased the guy for only a couple of minutes before putting him out.

  This?

  This fight was something else, entirely.

  I watched stunned as Talon let the guy hit him a couple of times; first a kidney shot, and then one to his chest. And when I say let him, I mean just that. Talon hadn’t blocked or ducked or anything. Something was off and everyone in the abandoned underground car garage knew it.