The Lost Diary of Robin Hood's Money Man
Page 1
Copyright
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollinsChildren's Books in 1999
HarperCollinsChildren's Books
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd,
77-85 Fulham Palace Road,
Hammersmith, London W6 8JB
www.harpercollins.co.uk
Text copyright © Steve Barlow and Steve Skidmore 1999
Illustrations copyright © George Hollingworth 1999
Cover illustration copyright © Martin Chatterton 1999
Steve Barlow and Steve Skidmore and illustrator assert the moral right to be identified as the authors and illustrator of the work.
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Source ISBN: 9780006945918
Ebook Edition: © MARCH 2014 ISBN: 9780007571567
Version: 2014-11-11
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Message to Readers
10th March 1189
17th March 1189
3rd August 1189
10th August 1189
19th August 1189
21st August 1189
4th September 1189
9th October 1189
11th December 1189
14th February 1190
4th July 1190
10th July 1190
29th July 1190
27th September 1190
30th September 1190
17th October 1190
3rd April 1191
11th April 1191
2nd May 1191
6th June 1191
10th June 1191
13th July 1191
11th August 1191
21st August 1191
23rd August 1191
15th December 1191
Boxing Day 1191
Easter Day 1192
11th April 1192
23rd May 1192
2nd July 1192
24th September 1192
30th October 1192
27th November 1192
30th December 1192
10th July 1193
12th August 1193
25th September 1193
27th October 1193
3rd November 1193
20th March 1194
26th March 1194
8th April 1194
17th April 1194
11th May 1194
18th August 1194
Editors’ Note
6th April 1199
7th April 1199
28th June 1199
19th August 1199
26th August 1199
27th August 1199
4th September 1199
Keep Reading
Historical Note
About the Publisher
MESSAGE TO READERS
Many people believe that the famous English outlaw, Robin Hood, is merely a legendary figure. They argue that he only ever existed as a character in stories, plays and songs.
However, this recently discovered Lost Diary proves beyond doubt that Robin Hood did exist.
The diary is written by Leonard du Somoney, Robin Hood’s financial advisor in Sherwood Forest (presumably his branch manager). It details how Robin Hood became an outlaw. It also provides records of the Third Crusade and inside views of Richard the Lionheart and his brother John.
This diary (like so many other Lost Diaries) was found by Barlow and Skidmore. They were truffle* hunting in Sherwood Forest with their pet pig, Percy, when the pig was drawn towards a giant oak tree. Instead of finding truffles, Percy dug up a pink pottery piggy bank. Breaking open the pig (the pottery one), Barlow and Skidmore discovered the following Lost Diary. There were also hundreds of pages of accounts, but the publishers thought these accounts were far too boring to put in this book (although the company accountant thought they were jolly interesting and made a riveting good read).
Instead, the editors chose the most interesting diary entries for publication. For the first time ever, we have a unique day-to-day record of life in Sherwood Forest, where Robin Hood and his band of outlaws robbed from the rich and gave to the poor. At last, we can see the Merry Man behind the legend.
* A truffle is an expensive fungus, not to be confused with trifle which is not found in forests except after very messy picnics.
10th March 1189
I’m starting a new job tomorrow. As a Norman gentleman, and the son of a knight, I shouldn’t have to work at all – but I’m the youngest son, so I don’t get to inherit any money even if there was any, which there isn’t because my dad has spent it all. So when I saw that Earl David of Huntingdon was looking for a Steward, I sent him my reference.
Earl David said he was looking for a crooked, underhand smart-alec to manage the Huntingdon estates. He said I was just the sort of chap he needed (I think he meant that as a compliment). My new boss has got a red face and gout and he does a lot of shouting, but he’s not a bad old buffer.
17th March 1189
Now I’m working for an earl, I thought I’d better catch up with what’s been happening to the Royal Family.
The story so far:
King Henry, the Godfather of the Plantagenet clan*, owns the largest kingdom in Europe, stretching from the Scottish borders to the Pyrenees. However, his power-mad sons want a piece of the action. Henry puts his boys on ice and gives them some castles to play with, but locks up his scheming wife Eleanor.
King Henry enters merger talks with the French King Philip Augustus, but his sons fall out. Henry joins John in a boardroom battle against Richard, but then they all get together to fight a hostile takeover bid by King Philip.
Meanwhile, over in the Holy Land**, the Muslims, under their leader Saladin, capture Jerusalem. King Philip, King Henry and Prince Richard patch up their differences and decide to go on a Crusade to recapture the Holy City.
But bitter rivalries surface again. Before they set off, Richard and Philip attack Henry. Wheeler-dealer John also moves in as the vultures gather.
Henry is forced to name Richard as his successor and dies in a very bad mood at Chinon on 6th July 1189.
This week’s episode:
Richard – King of England!
Honestly, these soap operas – they’re getting far too silly. Nothing like this happens in real life!***
* Henry II’s father, Geoffrey, earned the nickname Plantagenet by wearing a sprig of broom in his cap. In Latin, broom was called planta genista. Geddit?
** Land that today includes parts of Syria, the Lebanon, Palestine, Jordan and Israel.
*** Yes it did!
3rd August 1189
Earl David’s nephew (he hasn’t got any sons) has turned up from Locksley Manor. He’s called Robert, and he’s a right Hooray Henry. He keeps throwing bread rolls about at dinner and shouting “Ripping wheeze, what?” Upper class twit. I suppose he’s harmless enough. He’s getting married next summer to a girl called Marian. Actually, she call
s herself “Mawian” as she can’t pronounce her ‘r’s. She keeps saying things like, “Oh, Wobin, you are weally scwumptious!” She always calls him Wobin – sorry, I mean Robin – instead of Robert. It’s a sort of pet name. She’s got a laugh like a donkey with tummyache.
At least Marian has half a brain, which means that the two of them have got about three-quarters of a brain between them. I dread to think what their kids will be like.
10th August 1189
We’re waiting for Richard to come over from France to be crowned King, now that his dad’s dead. To pass the time, I’ve been helping young Robert update his Big Boy’s Kings of England Sticker Book.
19th August 1189
I’ve been arguing about politics with young master Robert.
His family originally came from Normandy in France (so did mine for that matter). We Normans arrived in England with William the Conqueror in 1066 and knocked seven barrels out of King Harold and his Saxons at the Battle of Hastings. Then we took most of the top jobs (and the land) from the Saxons. There are still a few rich Saxon families, but the real bossmen are French (thank goodness!). The Saxons are mainly tradespeople and peasants.
Robert owns Locksley Manor, and he’s had several run-ins with the Sheriff of Nottingham. The Sheriff is a thug and a bully, and he treats his peasants like dirt. He and Robert don’t exactly see eye to eye. Robert says it’s a landowner’s duty to look after his Saxon peasants and treat them with respect. That’s how the Feudal System is meant to work.
Maybe Robert’s right – I can’t be bothered to argue. Money’s money. Saxons earn it, I count it, Normans spend it. End of story.
21st August 1189
Richard’s back in England at last and Earl David has received his invitation (or rather command) to attend his coronation. The Earl has to hold a ceremonial sword for the King. He’s taking me along to make sure young Robert doesn’t embarrass us all (or get our bits cut off) by trying to play practical jokes or some other such nonsense.
* Anti-Jewish feeling was very strong in England during this time.
4th September 1189
Richard deserves the throne after what he had to go through at the coronation. Talk about embarrassing! He had to stand at the front of the church and get undressed in front of everyone! He stripped right down to his undies. I’m surprised he didn’t catch a chill – it was well draughty up the aisle. Then he put on golden sandals and had hot oil poured all over him by a priest. (Robert whispered to me that the priest with the hot oil was probably a fish friar or a chip monk – I didn’t laugh.) At last Richard put on his clothes again, was crowned and we all shouted hooray. Then we all trooped off for a big feast. That’s when the trouble started.
Some Jews tried to enter the banqueting hall to present the King with a gift. However, they were attacked by some of the guests. This set off the crowd outside, and apparently they’ve run into London to find as many Jews as they can. I’m not sure what they’re going to do, but it probably won’t be very nice.*
* It wasn’t. Hundreds of Jews were murdered and their houses ransacked and burnt.
9th October 1189
Earl David, the silly old fool, is determined to join King Richard’s Crusade to the Holy Land. My cousin, Basil Count de Money, is going too. He sent me a brochure.
Earl David obviously hasn’t read the small print. I’ve told him that this Crusade will cost him a fortune, but he won’t listen.
Robert is mad keen to go as well, but I put my foot down about the cost of that. (Unfortunately I put my foot down on Earl David’s toe, which didn’t do his gout any good.) Earl David agreed with me. He’s also worried that the Sheriff of Nottingham has got his eyes on the Huntingdon estates. I can see the Earl’s problem:
The Sheriff is a big buddy of Prince John
While Big Brother, Richard, is away at the wars, John might get some funny ideas
If anything happens to Earl David, one of John’s funny ideas might be to make the Sheriff, or one of his other mates, Earl of Huntingdon.
Earl David wants Robert to stay at home and look after his estates, so he won’t let Robert go on the Crusade. Robert is now in a sulk.
King Richard’s been raising money for the Crusade. He’s been selling off land, jobs and titles like there’s no tomorrow. He’s been taxing everyone (me included!) and fining people for not volunteering to go on the Crusade. He’s even said that he’ll sell London, if he can find a buyer for it!
What a nerve, eh? Richard nips over from France, gets crowned, takes everyone’s money and says, “Thanks a lot, ta-ta, cheerio, I’m off!”
11th December 1189
I had to go to Dover to see Earl David aboard the ship, bound for the Crusade. Cousin Basil is going across to France with Richard first to make all the final preparations. Richard is supposed to be meeting up with King Philip Augustus of France. There’ll be fur flying at that meeting. By all accounts, Richard and Philip get on like two cats in a bag.
The whole scene at Dover was organised chaos. There seemed to be scores of ships and thousands of sailors swearing good ripe sea oaths at each other and trying to load hundreds of horses, tons of food and drink, and great piles of weapons. Meanwhile, thousands of soldiers were standing round gawping and getting in the way.
It’s obvious that this Crusade is going to cost a pretty fortune. And my taxes have paid for some of it!
Basil waved goodbye and promised to keep in touch.
14th February 1190
I hate these long winter evenings. There’s nothing to do except sit round the fire with a few candles and play board games.
Robert loves board games, as long as they’re not too complicated. I tried to introduce him to chess (which Crusaders brought back from the Holy Land) but Robert is useless at it – he calls knights “horsies” and can never work out which way they go.
So we went back to Three Men’s Morris, where you have nine holes on a board and all you have to do is get three pieces in a row without being blocked*.
Robert’s favourite game is queek, where you throw pebbles on to a chess board and bet whether they’ll land on a black or white square. He plays this game with Marian. When she loses, she shouts, “Wats!” and “Oh, dwat!” Then she blushes and says, “Oh, pardon my Fwench.”
Robin laughs just as much when he loses as when he wins, but there’s no skill in a game like this and I get bored out of my skull.
The Sheriff hates the Saxons and treats them like dirt. This is because they keep teasing him.
The Saxons called Nottingham “Snottingham”, but when the Normans came over and asked the name of the place, some Saxon told them, “It’s Snottingham,” and they thought he said, “It’s Nottingham”, so they got the name wrong on all their maps. Of course, Normans never admit they’ve made a mistake, so they insist on calling it Nottingham – but the Saxons still call it Snottingham, and whenever they see the Sheriff of Snottingham they shout out, “Hey up, Snotty!” and run off laughing.
* Exactly as we now play noughts and crosses.
4th July 1190
I’ve just received a chain mail from Cousin Basil.
* * *
MICROHARD CHAIN MAIL MESSAGE
From Basil Count de Money (bas@crusade.net)
Date 4 July 1190, 10.10am
To len.dusomoney@huntingdon.com
Subject: Crusade
We’re finally off!
Richard and Philip Augustus met up at the Abbey of Vezelay (near Paris). We all said a few prayers and now we’ve begun the trip. We’re marching to Marseille to meet the English fleet. The French are off to Genoa, and then we’ll all meet up at Messina in Sicily. After that, it’s on to the Holy Land to see if “Salad-is-in” (one of Richard’s jokes – everyone had to laugh or else).
Mind you, it’s not all good news. I’m afraid your boss, old Earl David, won’t be coming with us. He hadn’t been on a horse for so long that when he tried to mount up today, he fell straight off the other side and
broke his neck. You’d better tell that silly ass Robert to get his armour polished and come out to join us.
Yours, as ready as a fox outside a henhouse,
Basil
* * *
I showed Basil’s news to Robert.
“Oh, poor old chap!” he said.
I pointed out that now that his uncle was dead, he was the Earl of Huntingdon. (I suppose that makes Marian the Earl’s Girl.)
He said, “Oh crikey, I suppose I am. That means I can go on the Crusade. Whoopee!”
I tried to talk Earl Robert out of going with the Crusade. I said that if he turned his back for a minute, the Sheriff would steal his lands and all the peasants would suffer. Earl Robert said he was sorry, but a chap had to do what a chap had to do, don’tcherknow.
“Anyway,” Robert went on, “it was my uncle who gave you your bally job, and now he’s dead, you’re working for me. So if I say I’m going on the Crusade, I’m bally well going on the Crusade. And if you don’t stop moaning, I’ll find someone else to look after my estates. So there!”
I shut up.
So now my new boss is off somewhere practising sword strokes, shouting things like, “Have at you, Saracen scum”, and Marian’s locked herself in her room to have a jolly good cry.
10th July 1190
What am I doing here?
I’m sitting under a dripping tree. I’ve got a tree root sticking in my back and a bottom full of pine needles.
I said there’d be trouble from the Sheriff, and I was right. On Earl Robert and Marian’s wedding day we were all at church, so of course nobody was carrying any weapons. The priest was droning on in Latin and I was wondering where I’d put the ring when the doors burst open and in came the Sheriff, Guy of Gisborne and a bunch of heavies, all armed to the teeth.