by E. Jamie
He stared back at her. “You don't really mean that."
"I do. I mean it. Get out!” she screamed.
"Just last night you were ready to come to my bed, and now because of something that's been coming for months, you just decide to forget that."
Horrified, Sara looked at him when she heard Aaron's gasp behind her. Sara was afraid to look at Aaron, but she forced herself to. He looked at her with such anger and disappointment that she felt chilled. “Aaron, I—"
He pushed past her and walked out of the house, slamming the door behind him.
Connor sighed and looked at her. “I didn't mean for that to come out."
Sara slapped him. “Yes you did! Are you happy now?” Her voice shook, along with the rest of her.
Connor pushed past Sara toward the back door. “Where do you think you're going?” she asked.
"If it's all right with you, I'm gonna go talk to my son."
She wanted to say no out of pure spite but decided that wouldn't help anything right now. “Fine, fine.” She watched him walk through the kitchen.
She sat down on the couch. Dear God, what is Aaron thinking right now? she wondered panicked. Did he hate her? Please God, let him understand. Sara laughed bitterly. How could he possibly understand when she didn't even understand herself? She loved Aaron, she did, but damn it, she loved Connor too! How was she supposed to just ignore that? Sara rubbed her temples and stood up deciding to go and see if Nathan had beaten the crap out of his father. She stayed in the doorway to the backyard and watched.
Nathan was swinging back and forth shooting angry glares at his father.
"Nathan, I'm trying to talk to you. Could you stop that?” he asked.
The kid ignored him. Connor grabbed the chains on the swing and stopped him.
"I don't like you anymore!” Nathan screamed in his face.
"You're pretty mad at me, huh?"
"You're bad and mean. I like my other daddy better'n you.” He looked away from Connor again.
"I'm sorry you had to see that, and I know you don't like me too much right now, but I love you, kid."
Nathan seemed to think about this, and then looked back at his father. “Why were you fighting? Mommy says fighting is bad."
"It is. What I did, what Aaron and I both did was wrong,” Connor added.
Sara bit her lip and rolled her eyes. Of course he would make sure he wasn't the only one painted in a bad light.
"Daddy hit you too?” Nathan asked.
"Hell yeah. I mean, yeah, he did."
"Did Mommy do something bad?"
"Your mother? No why?"
"She cries a lot. Does Daddy think she's bad ‘cause I hear him yell at Mommy sometimes?"
Sara closed her eyes. Oh yes, she and Aaron had their problems, and the tension caused by Connor's return just seemed to be getting worse. It killed her that Nathan knew about it. He was just a child, for God's sake. She'd promised him a safe and happy home. Not this.
"No, they just have grown-up problems that hopefully you won't have when you get older."
"You have grown-up problems too? That why you were fighting?"
"Yeah, but it was wrong, and I want to ask you to forgive me,” Connor said.
Sara smiled in the doorway. The man drove her insane sometimes, but he was a good father.
"You sorry you hit Daddy?"
Connor swallowed before he answered. “Yeah."
Sara snorted in the doorway over the obvious lie.
"You sure you want to be friends again? Cause that means no more hitting,” the boy demanded.
"Very much.Yes. I promise."
"Okay. I forgive you,” Nathan replied hugging Connor and leaning his head on his shoulder.
Sara ripped a paper towel from a nearby roll and wiped her cheeks.
When Connor came back inside with Nathan, his son demanded Connor stay for dinner. Sara uncomfortably agreed. Any small measure of security for her son was worth a little discomfort on her part. She set about making dinner for the three of them and set a fourth place hoping that Aaron would return soon.
They were halfway through eating dinner, Aaron's seat still empty, when the phone rang. Sara picked it up.
"Hello, I'm looking for a Sara Dawson, please?” the woman on the other end said.
"This is she,” Sara replied.
"Mrs. Dawson, I'm afraid your husband Aaron has been in a car accident,” the woman informed her with sympathy evident in her voice.
Sara pressed her hand over her mouth to stop her scream for Nathan's sake. After she informed the nurse that she was on her way, she hung up the phone, her hand trembling around the handset before she let go. “Nathan, sweetie. Why don't you go upstairs and get yourself ready for bed okay?"
"It's not my bedtime yet. I wanna play with Daddy,” Nathan demanded.
"Please, honey, just do what Mommy says,” Sara pleaded, fighting tears of panic.
Nathan dragged his feet up the stairs. Once he was finally out of earshot, Sara grabbed Connor's shoulders her eyes wide with fear. “There was an accident,” she said shaking so badly that she bit her tongue.
"Aaron?"
"Oh God, Connor. Oh my God. A car accident. That was the hospital. I need to go."
"Okay, we'll call Jessica. No Maggie. Jessica will want to come with us. Maggie will watch Nathan,” Connor assured her.
"You should stay with Nathan,” Sara said.
He was already on the phone with Kevin. After he hung up, he turned back to Sara. “She's on her way. I'm driving you to the hospital, and that's all to be said. There's no way you're driving in the state you're in."
"Connor, it's my fault,” Sara whimpered while he held her.
"No, no it's not,” Connor assured her.
* * * *
Sara burst through the hospital doors at a run followed by Jessica, Connor and Kevin. They rushed to the administration desk and bombarded the receptionist. “Aaron Dawson was brought in tonight. Is he all right?” Sara asked. She could feel Connor's hand at the small of her back in an attempt to comfort her.
"Are you a relative of the patient?” a man behind them asked. His white lab coat identified him as a doctor.
"I'm his wife."
"I'm his mother."
Sara and Jessica replied at the same time.
"He's in surgery now. We're trying to repair the damage. I won't lie to you. It's very serious."
Sara covered her mouth with her hand and shook her head. “I don't understand. What happened?"
"He was going about eighty-five in a seventy zone and rammed into a tree. The crash caused severe internal bleeding, a fractured skull, and a crushed ribcage,” the doctor explained. “His spinal cord has been damaged as well, and we're trying to assess how bad the damage is there."
"His spine. You mean, he's paralyzed?” Kevin asked, stunned.
Sara's legs nearly gave way, and Jessica led her to a chair in the waiting room after the doctor told them it was too soon to know for sure how permanent any of the damage would be. He was called away, and they were left to wait for when the doctor would tell them when Aaron was out of surgery. Hour after hour they waited, and nothing. Exhausted, Sara laid her head on Jessica's shoulder and didn't notice the woman in front of her until someone with a cultured voice spoke.
"Sara, darling, I'm so sorry about what happened. I just saw the news.” Isabella Castellano placed a hand on Sara's shoulder.
Sara raised her eyes in disbelief. “I don't want you here,” she said, looking away.
"Sara, please, I just want to help you in any way I can."
"You can help me by leaving,” Sara snapped.
Connor stood up. “I think it's best if you leave,” he ordered.
"Sara's not thinking clearly. I'm not leaving,” Isabella insisted sitting down.
They turned their heads when they heard a commotion coming from the operating room followed by the long piercing shriek of the monitor flat-lining. Sara jumped to her feet and ran toward the opera
ting room, but one of the doctors held her back. “No!” she cried out. God would not be this cruel to her.
"Sweetie, there's nothing you can do,” Kevin pointed out, leading her away from the room.
"Let them work on him, honey."
Jessica stood beside her, praying. Sara turned and saw Connor. His hands were stuffed in his pockets, and he had his eyes closed. In that second, Sara hated him, hated him for being alive, hated him for breathing so easily when Aaron was fighting for his life, hated him for being the reason Aaron might die. “I hate you!” Sara screamed attacking Connor, knocking them both to the floor. She scratched his face, tore at his hair and clothes. “Damn you, why? Why did you have to tell him?"
Connor didn't fight back. He let her take out her rage on him.
"He's gonna die! It's your fault!” Sara cried as Kevin pulled her off him.
Connor stood up, tears streaming down his face. “I know,” was all he said, and he turned and walked away.
Sara collapsed in Kevin's arms, sobbing, watching the other half of her heart walk down the hall.
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Chapter Twelve
Aaron was out of surgery.
Sara's eyes were heavy. She was moving through water. She couldn't muster the energy to look up into the doctor's eyes to see if he looked hopeful. She fiddled with the silver and gold band of her watch, and her lip quivered when her eyes fell on her wedding ring. Her eyes stayed dry. She was too tired to cry. She closed her eyes and listened to the man's voice getting farther and farther away.
"That's half the battle,” the doctor said. He sounded optimistic. “We won't know anymore until he regains consciousness."
"So he'll be fine?” Jessica asked.
"He came through the surgery, but it's still very dangerous for him. It's critical that he regain consciousness within the next few days."
"Or else what? He could still die, despite everything that's been done?” Kevin asked.
"I'm afraid so,” the man replied.
Sara's last thought was that she was glad he didn't try to sugar coat things for her.
* * * *
When Sara woke up, she realized that she had laid her head on Isabella's shoulder and looked up in surprise. She'd felt comforted despite the fact that she wish she hadn't. “Thank you,” Sara said grudgingly. Where had Jessica gone off to? she wondered.
Isabella smiled at her. “Can we go to the cafeteria and talk?"
Sara yawned and wiped her sleepy eyes with the back of her fist. “I don't want to leave in case he wakes up.” She tugged on the edges of her now-wrinkled white blouse at an attempt to straighten it and shifted when she felt the black coat bunched behind her.
"We'll come get you if anything changes,” Jessica promised coming toward her, carrying a can of pop in her hand. “It's important you go,” she said, kissing Sara's forehead.
Once they paid for their food, Isabella sat across from Sara and shook her head. “I don't know what to say to make this right, this broken thing between us. I wish things had been different. I wish I had made different choices."
"It's too late for that now,” Sara pointed out, looking away.
"I know. I was weak and took the easy way out. I wish I had been the mother you deserved. When you were born, I had no maternal instinct kick in. None. All I knew was I didn't want to be saddled with a baby."
"A dirty little baby,” Sara reminded her.
"My words were harsh, but that's what I felt at the time. The world I came from was not one a child belonged in. I'm not gonna say I gave you up so you could have a better life although that was the outcome. My motives were nowhere near that altruistic."
"I may have lived in a big house with rich parents, but I never had what I needed. Love, support, encouragement, acceptance. You gave me to people who wanted to mold me into the perfect society bauble."
"Your father would've taken you even if I didn't take his money."
Sara nodded, beginning to understand. “Yeah, I believe he would.” She sighed. After the horror of recent events, Sara just didn't have the energy to keep up the wall of animosity. “It's not really fair of me to want something from you that you didn't have to give. You can't manipulate someone's feelings that easily. Trust me I know about that."
"You mean Connor? You love him very much, don't you?"
"Right now, I couldn't stand to look at him, but yes, I do love him, and I've tried to stop, to be a good wife to Aaron, but I can't turn off how I feel."
"It's clear Connor adores you. He left because you wanted him to."
"God, I was so awful to him.” Sara's eyes filled with tears as she rested her forehead on her hand.
"Sara, do you think you attacked Connor because you blame him or you blame yourself?"
"Both, I think,” Sara admitted, sniffling and moving back from the white square table and resting her back against the plastic yellow seat. “Why are you here now?” she asked, needing to change the subject.
Isabella ran her French manicured fingernail along the rim of her Styrofoam cup and then met Sara's gaze. “After I got rid of Sara and became Isabella, I met my husband at a charity ball. He was charming, in love with who he thought I was."
"You never told him the truth?"
"Never. He and I were married three days after we met."
Sara's eyes widened in surprise.
Isabella let out a small laugh, and then she grew serious again. “I had found a man who loved me. A rich and powerful man. After the life I had, there was no way I would be playing coy and risk losing out on an opportunity to have the life I had fought tooth and nail for. He wanted to start a family right away. It was then I discovered I could never have any more children. I fell into a deep depression. Lorenzo thought it was because I couldn't give him a child. That was part of it, of course. I became obsessed with you, finding you, knowing about you. I wanted the child I had thrown away. Of course, anybody would've said that I only wanted you now because I couldn't have any more children. They would've been partly right. Behind Lorenzo's back, I began to gather any information I could about you. I followed any news item about your childhood. Your first word was music. I'm sure you knew that."
"No, they never told me,” Sara replied.
"Ah, well, I heard it from a friend of your nanny's,” Isabella explained before continuing. “As you grew up I began to admire the woman you were becoming. You had a strength of character that everyone around you, myself included, lacked. I cheered when you ran off with Connor and got married. When he died and you became engaged to Steven Sondheim, I wanted to burst in and shake some sense into you."
"You and all my friends.” Sara snorted.
"I suddenly felt afraid to make myself known to you. I knew you'd never forgive me for abandoning you so I stayed out of your life until you had a child of your own. There was a legacy I had started that I wanted to be a part of. Purely selfish, I know but here I am."
"I appreciate you being honest with me. I still have so many questions, but I'm beginning to understand the circumstances that motivated your decisions."
"Sara, I'd like to be a part of your life. If not as your mother then perhaps as a friend. Will you let me?"
The polished, confident woman Sara had initially hated looked at her now with uncertainty, hope. Sara studied the woman across from her. Her mother, yet not her mother. Not the one she wanted but then again Isabella hadn't wanted her as a baby either. Now here they sat two adult women being faced with a decision they were both now able to make.
"I'd like you to be my mother,” Sara replied surprising both her and Isabella. Well, whatever she had been in the past, Sara felt Isabella was a better woman now, certainly a better candidate for motherhood than Victoria had ever been. “My son already has two grandmothers, what's a third, right?” she pointed out and laughed for the first time since Aaron's accident.
* * * *
Sara stared up at the statue of Mary. She sat in the pew and prayed for her
husband to live. “Help me,” she whispered, resting her forehead against her clasped hands. Her elbows rested on the backrest of the pew in front of her “I can't live without him. I need him to be okay. For Nathan. For me.” She buried her face in her hands. “I'll do anything. Just please don't take him.” Her eyes shifted to the crucifix above the altar now. “I'll be a good wife. I'll live out the rest of my days making this up to him, I swear.” She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see Jessica sit down beside her.
"Making deals with God? I thought I'd used them all up,” she said.
"Jessica, it's my fault he's here fighting for his life."
"No it's not. It's his. Nobody forced him to ram his car into a tree. I love my son, but he was being reckless with his life. That was his decision, not yours."
"So you don't hate me?” Sara asked, her lower lip trembling.
"Honey, of course not,” Jessica assured her, gathering her close. “I may be Aaron's mother, but I'm also a woman. I can't even imagine what these past few months have been like for you. I know you love my son. I also know you're desperately in love with another man, and it's ripping you apart inside. As a woman, I sympathize. But yes, I'm Aaron's mother. I know how good you are for each other and how strong your love is."
"I love Aaron so much. I don't know what to do,” Sara cried, and Jessica tightened her arms around her. “I don't know what the right decision is anymore."
She pulled back, dug into her large black purse for a moment, and pulled out a tissue and handed it to Sara. “Something I've learned is that you have to do what makes you happy. Not Sara the wife, not Sara the mother, just plain Sara. What does Sara the woman want?"
"I want that boat to never have exploded,” Sara replied, closing her eyes and shuddering. “But it did, and because of that, my whole world became different."
"Are you different?” Jessica asked.
"Yes, I am. I've grown up. I've had to be a wife to a man I love and a mother to a son who is my life."
"Whose father is another man,” Jessica added. “Who would still be your husband if it wasn't for something completely out of your hands. Now the outcome is in your hands, Sara. If that boat had never exploded, you and Connor would still be together. Now he's back."