by E. Jamie
"I know,” Sara whispered, letting the woman's words sink in. “Thank you."
"Don't thank me. I'm biased."
"Because you're Aaron's mother. I understand."
Jessica kissed Sara's cheek. “Because I love you."
Kevin burst into the hospital chapel, breathless. “He's awake!"
Jessica and Sara hugged each other relieved. “Oh thank you, God,” Jessica sobbed while Sara held her. Sara extended her hand to Kevin, and the three of them gave thanks for Aaron pulling through.
The doctor had a few words for them before he let Sara in to see Aaron first. “There was significant damage to his spinal cord. There's a lot of swelling and a significant loss of blood, but we are optimistic that the damage may not be permanent."
"Damage? So you mean he really is paralyzed,” Sara said and swallowed the lump of fear in her throat.
"It very well could be temporary. Once his body heals, we'll have a better idea for a diagnosis."
"He's alive,” Sara said. “Anything else we can handle."
Sara pushed through the door to Aaron's room. His face was wet with tears through his bruises. Sara took his hand in hers. “Baby, you're alive. I don't care about anything else."
"I care!” Aaron shouted, making Sara jump.
"I know, but it may just be temporary,” she said, giving him a weak smile.
"And if it's not? What the hell kind of husband will I be to you? I'm dead from the waist down."
"You're the one I want,” she said, and with all her heart, she was determined to make it true.
* * * *
Sara felt different. Now that she had made her decision to stay with Aaron, she felt like a part of her had been cut out, and she didn't know what to do to fill it up again. She was determined to help Aaron get better, but he wasn't making it easy. He was a horrible patient. Bitter over his situation, he spent all the energy he should have been using getting better on arguing with her. When she'd tried to help him do things, he'd insist he could do them himself. Then when he couldn't do them, he'd sulk and yell at whoever was handy. Sara sympathized with him, and her heart broke for her husband, but she made sure Nathan wasn't around him when he was angry. Aaron at least made an effort to be cheerful for Nathan's sake, and Sara was always grateful to him for that.
Two weeks after Aaron came home from the hospital, Connor, saying he had something important to discuss with her, met her at Connara Studios. Sara wasn't looking forward to telling him that she was staying with Aaron, but she knew it had to be done, even if her heart was screaming at her that she wasn't ready to decide. She'd make herself ready. Aaron needed his wife, and from now on, that's who she'd be.
The sight of Connor in the doorway of her office took her breath away. His blond hair was tousled and looked so soft she had to resist the urge to lift her fingers to it. He wore a crisp white shirt with the sleeves rolled up and black tight fitting jeans. His face had a slight growth of stubble. Dear God, he's beautiful. Her heart rate doubled.
"You got a minute?"
"I made time,” Sara said with a slow nod, her mouth dry.
"Thanks."
She forced herself to focus on what she had to say to him. “I have something I need to say to you first.” She stepped behind her desk glad for the small measure of comfort it provided.
"Okay,” he said, taking the pale blue-cushioned seat across from her.
"I owe you an apology for what I did the night of Aaron's accident."
"No you don't. You were right. It was my fault he left the house angry and crashed his car,” Connor reminded her.
"No more than it was mine,” Sara said firmly.
"Sara—"
"Connor, please, let me finish. What I said to you was unforgivable, not to mention untrue. I don't hate you. I never could. If I hated you, we never would've gone through what we have this past year. I hurt you so, so badly,” Sara said, her eyes filling with tears. She lowered her head.
Connor stood up and pulled her to her feet.
"I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you,” she said.
He cupped her face with his hands. “I love you so much, Sara. I'll love you going to my grave, again,” he added with a smirk making Sara laugh through her tears. Then he grew serious. “I've just recently learned what really loving you meant. When I came back and demanded that you leave Aaron, you were right when you called me a selfish bastard. I was. I wanted you back, and I didn't care what that meant for you."
Sara trembled and tried to get a hold of her emotions. She placed her hands over his and stroked the fair blond hair at his wrists. “I wanted to come back to you, Connor. I wanted everything to be the way it was, but it can't be. I've grown up. I'm not the same woman you married. I have so many responsibilities to other people. I don't just mean as Aaron's wife but as Nathan's mother. I created this family for him, something so wonderful for him. He adores you, Connor. Never doubt that."
"You're wrong when you say you're not the woman I married. She's still there, inside. I've seen her every time you've been pissed off at me lately, but you're right when you say you've grown up. So have I finally. I saw what my selfishness was doing to you, and I remember a vow I made on our wedding night after we made love for the first time."
"I don't remember you saying anything."
"I made it while you were sleeping. I was watching you. Your face was so soft, and you looked so fucking beautiful my heart felt like it was gonna explode into a million pieces. I knew I had probably hurt you that first time, and I felt horrible about it. Then in your sleep, you turned and slipped your arm around my waist. You trusted me when I said I wouldn't hurt you again. Even though I had meant physically at the time, feeling your arm come around me showed me you trusted me not to hurt your heart, too. I promised you I would never hurt you in any way. I broke that promise the day you married Aaron, and I walked away. I broke it again when I came back and made you choose. I put you through hell this past year, and I regret that more than you could ever imagine. I'm here to make it right. I'm promising never to bring you another day of pain. So I'm going to do the right thing.” He wiped the tears streaming off his face and handed her an envelope.
"What?” Sara asked.
"I'm leaving. Not sure to where yet. But I'm going to let you go."
Sara's breath was knocked out of her. She felt ill. This was what she wanted, wasn't it? She had made her choice, and it was Aaron so why did it feel like her very soul was being ripped from her body? Fresh tears fell from her eyes. She shook her head. “This is so wrong. This wasn't supposed to be us. Never us."
"No it wasn't,” Connor agreed.
"This feels so wrong.” She began to tremble.
"I know, but it's the right thing to do, for everybody, but especially for you. I never want to bring you any more pain."
Sara wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his chest. “I love you, Connor Nolan. With my heart and with my soul, I love you.” She pulled back, and he handed her an envelope containing what she learned was also a petition for joint custody of Nathan. “Of course,” she agreed, pulling up the sleeves of her white suit jacket and pulling open the middle slim drawer of her desk to look for a pen.
"I'm gonna be leaving town, so we're going to have to work something out,” Connor said and blew his nose.
She nodded again, still in disbelief. “We were so beautiful, weren't we?” Their love had been something so amazing. Had been? No. Was. Would always be. “I'll go to my grave loving you, Connor."
Connor smiled. “Fuck, we're even good at breaking up.” He grew serious again. “There's one thing I want before we file those papers."
"What?” Sara asked, bewildered.
"One night with you."
* * * *
Sara sat in the dark, staring out the window of her home and hearing Connor's words in her brain. She was dressed in white satin pajamas, but after an hour, she gave up on sleep and thought maybe she could get some work done. That didn't wo
rk either, so she came back to the bedroom and took up her place at the window, unable to pay much attention to even the moon or the stars.
"One night."
One night of what they had lost, of what they were giving up. She hadn't forgotten what it had been like to make love with him. Her body had been branded with every movement he had made inside of her. When she had first thought him dead, those same movements would penetrate her dreams and leave her wet and throbbing. She remembered his eyes too, the way they had always looked when he thrust into her, as if he were not just penetrating her body but her very soul. Those eyes had tormented her for months. Would it be a mistake to go to him one last time? To end it?
She looked over at Aaron lying peacefully in bed asleep. Today had been a good day. He'd joked with her at dinner and even agreed to let her hire a physical therapist to help him with his paralysis. They had sat by the fire, and he had pulled her face in for a kiss. Her heart had leaped with joy at the idea that things may be getting back to normal, but then Connor's face popped up in her mind along with his request.
She tried again. Sara climbed into bed and faced him. Stay here, her mind told her. Stay here where it's safe. Don't ruin what you have for one night.
One night. A night out of time. God, to be taken back to what they had, just for one night. She shook with the need of it. One last time, and then she'd devote the rest of her life to Aaron she vowed. She lifted her hand and stroked Aaron's face.
He mumbled in his sleep what sounded like, “Love you."
"Forgive me,” she whispered, safe in the knowledge he couldn't hear her.
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Chapter Thirteen
Connor and Sara made arrangements to meet in Manhattan the following weekend. She was planning to go to New York to meet with some fashion executives about helping to expand her business. He told everyone he was going back to Florida to find a place to live. He had booked a hotel room so they would be assured their privacy.
He wasn't waiting for her at the airport. Sara called a cab and met him at the hotel.
She almost asked the cabbie to turn around three times. She couldn't do this. She couldn't go to Connor and sleep with him. Sara closed her eyes, a war of emotions inside of her. She loved Aaron.
She loved Connor.
When he opened the door, she knew she'd rather have died than not take this one last chance. He held the door open and just stared at her. Her hair hung down in soft waves around her grey wool coat. He always liked her hair down so he could run his fingers through it whenever he wanted.
"Come in.” Connor stepped aside so she could enter the room. He took the coat from her shoulders and hung it up. His hands were on her shoulders next, stroking bare skin exposed by a white satin spaghetti strap dress.
Sara closed her eyes and backed up against him, feeling his hard curves against her back.
He slid his fingers into her hair and lifted it to his nose. “God, tell me I'm not dreaming. Tell me you're really here,” he begged from behind her.
She turned in his arms to face him. Sara took his hand and raised it to her chest. “Feel that?” she asked, referring to the slamming of her heart beneath his palm. “I'm here. Tonight I'm yours, Connor.” She rose up on her tiptoes and brushed her lips across his. She felt his skin tremble against hers, and he pulled away.
"Can you believe I'm scared shitless?"
Sara stared at him in confusion. “Why?"
"I'm afraid to start because the sooner we start, the sooner we'll end."
"Please don't think about that now. Let time stop. We're here together. That's all that matters,” Sara said reaching to kiss him again.
He gave a whimper low in his throat, and his arms came around her waist like steel bands. He gripped her waist, pulled her up against his length, and deepened their kiss.
"Connor,” she whispered and moaned when he squeezed her breasts over the satin material.
"Say it again, Sara. Oh God say my name again.” His mouth sucked on her lips. She whispered his name again and again. He slipped the material of her dress off her shoulders, his lips following every inch of exposed skin. He bent to take a bare nipple in his mouth. She grew damp between her legs and arched against him. She gripped his hair, still a little damp and delicious smelling from his shower. Coconut, she noticed. He lifted her up in the air and brought her legs around his waist. “Sara, I can't wait. I can't. Oh God. I want to take it slow, but I can't,” Connor panted, carrying her into the bedroom. He sucked on her neck, right at the pulse. When he set her down on the blue satin sheets, she rose up on her knees and helped him tear off his clothes.
"We can go slowly later,” Sara reminded him. Her hands trembled, moving over his skin. Her entire body was burning, hungry for his possession. All thought of guilt fled from her mind for that moment. “I want you now. I can't wait any longer either, Connor."
He laid her back onto the cool sheets and briefly warmed her with the heat of his body before he leaned over to open the drawer to the night table by the bed. She protested when he tore open the small foil packet containing the condom. “No, Connor I don't want you to use it. I wanna feel only you please.” She pulled it out of his hands.
"Sara, I don't want you to end up pregnant."
"I'll take something tomorrow. Please, Connor, just you,” she pleaded, propping herself up to kiss his neck. She moved her hands down between them to grasp his hot, hard length in her hand. He was ready, and oh, dear God, so was she! Sara's thighs trembled as she raised her knees on either side of him in invitation. She could feel her wetness seep out and moaned when he dipped his finger between her legs.
His blue eyes flared with lust, and he let out a deep growl when he spread her thighs. Sara lifted her hips and cried out when he plunged in deep inside of her.
"Oh my God,” Sara exclaimed as he began thrusting, hard and fast. Her muscles clenched tightly around him, wanting to keep him there inside of her forever while his hips ground sharply against hers.
His fingers dug into her thighs as he pushed her back and forth. She scratched at his back, her body already beginning to shake as with her approaching orgasm. They were like wild animals, pushing and pulling at each other, reaching for that ultimate earth-shattering release, the release that they knew they could only achieve with each other.
Sara arched her neck back, digging her head into the pillow while Connor grabbed a fist full of her hair, covered her mouth with his, and plundered her mouth with his tongue the way his cock was pounding in her body. She pulled at his hair and whimpered while he took her up, down, up, down. Her lip cut on her teeth from the pressure of his mouth, and she tasted the tanginess of her own blood.
"Oh fuck, Sara. Baby, oh my fucking God!"
Sara wrapped her legs around his waist, grabbed his behind, and pushed him in as deep as he could physically go inside of her.
"Fuck, oh, Sara. Now, baby. Come with me now!” Connor demanded, thrusting with shorter, sharper strokes.
Dear God, he filled her so fully. It was pure perfection. His movements quickened. It had been too long since she had come this hard and fast. This one was going to kill her. She was certain of it. Her blood rushed through her veins, and her heart felt like it was getting ready to burst from the joy of having him inside her again. Her mind clouded, her eyes blurred, her legs trembled beneath the skin, and her mouth opened to scream.
Connor arched his back and threw his head back and shoved his cock inside her in sharp, uneven thrusts when Sara felt him lose control of his movements and just let his body buck on top of her. He called out her name, and he shot himself full and thick inside of her convulsing muscles.
Sara screamed and arched beneath him, her head seeming to shatter into a million pieces along with the rest of her. She tore at his back until she thought she must have surely drawn blood, when her orgasm slammed through her with the ferociousness of a freight train. Again and again she screamed beneath him. Oh God, she was dying! This was it
. She couldn't breathe. Breathing was secondary compared to the need rushing through her. She had no energy left, and still the waves came, fast and furious through her blood. She wanted to be taken and reveled in being taken this hard, fucked this hard, wanted this hard.
Connor gripped her hips and finished emptying himself inside her. He collapsed on top of her, and Sara trembled with aftershocks beneath him.
Slowly, the waves stilled, and she could breathe again. She opened her eyes to gaze at Connor's sweat-dampened chest. His breath was quick and uneven above her. Dear God, she had known. She had known it would be like this again between them. The sob burst from her before she could stifle it.
Connor lifted himself off her. He stared down at her in concern. “What? Did I hurt you? I thought you were ready. You felt ready."
"No, that's not it,” she moaned. How could she tell him? How could she possibly tell him? She was doing the unthinkable. It was bad enough she was here with him, but now she was comparing him to Aaron. That was unforgivable. Although sex with Aaron had always been amazing it was never like this, this all consuming hunger that threatened to devour her whole being.
"Then what? Sara?” Connor tilted her head up to look at him, and he moved down so he was facing her.
She couldn't say those words to him. Not ever. So she lied. Well, not completely, she told herself. “I love you."
"You just showed me that,” Connor pointed out with a smile.
"I'm a hypocrite,” she whispered, lifting her hand to her forehead and staring up at the ceiling.
He sat up. “How?"
"I yelled at my mother, I mean Victoria, about having all these lovers and cheating on my father, and here I am with you."
He touched her arm. “It's not the same. We love each other."
"Yeah,” Sara replied, still feeling guilty. “That's not all though. What if this makes it worse, Connor? What if being here with you, making love with you just makes it worse when we have to say good-bye?"
"Time has stopped remember? Tomorrow doesn't exist,” he said before taking her hand and kissing it.