BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  Looking back with a fiery look in his eyes, he added, “Like I said—do not talk about her again. She’s history. She’s not a part of our lives ever again. Do you hear me?”

  Crying, I nodded, then lying down, I hugged my blanket with all my might. I couldn’t—I wouldn’t—believe what he’d said! I know Mama loves me. I know she does! I don’t care what he says! I know she cares and she does love me!

  I cried for hours, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t understand why Daddy said Mama didn’t want me, or why I had to leave my home, and…and Judy. Mama said she’d see me in the morning, and she’d never lied to me! Why was Daddy being mean to me? Was he so mad at Mama he hated me, too?

  I cried a lot in the beginning, and Daddy would yell at me to be quiet. Once he hit me in the face with the back of his hand when I mentioned Mama. After that, I still cried, but silently so he couldn’t hear me.

  Day turned into night over and over again. I didn’t know where we were, or where we were going. I didn’t know what day it was, or if we’d ever go home again. I felt so lonely; so lost.

  Each night I prayed for God to take me to live with Him, and if He could, bring Judy back to me. But when I’d awake, still in the car with Daddy, I knew God hadn’t heard my prayers. He never heard me. If He existed, He didn’t love me either.

  It had been several days since Daddy had slapped me, and he still wasn’t talking to me very much. I kept telling him I was hungry, but he’d say we hadn’t been to a town yet and for me to go back to sleep.

  One night I found a few old cookie crumbs in the seam of the seat from a trip we’d taken a while ago. They were stale and hard, but they tasted so good!

  Sleep had been the only thing that helped stop the hurt in my heart and the pangs in my stomach. Daddy must be hungry, too, I thought, but I knew it was useless to complain.

  Cold, hungry, lost and alone—facts of life—maybe forever.

  Still, I kept thinking we’d get to a town soon. I couldn’t find any more crumbs, but Daddy wouldn’t let me starve. I had to believe that to keep going—and to keep loving him.

  I know he loves me. It’s my fault I made him yell at me. Just like Mama made him yell at her. He doesn’t like to be argued with, and I know that! I just have to do as told, and then everything will be okay.

  Lying in the fetal position, the pain in my stomach didn’t feel as bad while I waited for sleep to come, and then wonderful dreams of playing with Judy would help my heart not feel as heavy. Finally, falling asleep, the gnarling pain in my stomach drifted away.

  When I awoke it was dark and the car wasn’t moving. Sitting up, I looked around and saw Daddy inside a restaurant. I was so happy! “But why didn’t he wake me? He knows how hungry I am!”

  Tears came to my eyes as I sat watching him take bite after bite and a growl came from deep inside my stomach. “He just didn’t want to wake me! I know he’ll bring me something to eat!”

  I tried to rationalize what I saw, the way a little girl who loved her daddy—no matter what—would do. As I continued watching, I just couldn’t believe he’d do anything to hurt me. Bite after bite, my mouth watered, but I knew not to get out of the car, and I didn’t want to make him mad again by disobeying.

  I watched until I had to lie down. Seeing him eat became too painful and my stomach hurt so much. I finally fell asleep and dreamed of all the foods I liked the most: hamburgers, hot dogs, ice cream, macaroni & cheese…

  When I awoke the car was moving again. Thrilled, I sat up, trying to look into the front seat. “Daddy, what did you get me to eat?”

  Moments of silence passed, and not seeing anything in the seat, or smelling anything either, I didn’t understand the look on his face. Was he mad at me?

  “You must’ve been dreaming, Sarah. We haven’t gotten to a town yet, sweetie. Lie down and go to sleep. I’ll wake you when we get to a town.”

  I can’t believe this! I saw him! He was eating! I was awake! I wasn’t dreaming! I saw him eating!

  “But, Daddy…”

  “This is a long stretch of road, Sarah. We’ll get to a town soon. Go to sleep. When you wake up we’ll have dinner.”

  Why? How can he lie to me like this? His own daughter who worships him…who loves him! Doesn’t he love me anymore, at all? I stood looking at him, but his eyes remained straight ahead, watching the road, not saying another word.

  Lying in the darkness, I watched the back of his head, and thought, I won’t sleep. You won’t get away with this again! Never again! I won’t let you starve me to death! If you want rid of me you’ll just have to find another way!

  Night turned to day and back to night again. I didn’t look out the window much anymore, but once while sitting up, I saw a sign: You Are Entering Oklahoma. Now I knew where we were, but I didn’t know where Oklahoma was.

  When it got dark I lay down to wait for the car to stop. Several times Daddy looked into the back seat, but he didn’t say anything. I was glad it was dark so he couldn’t see me watching him.

  When the car began to slow down, I knew he’d be checking to see if I was asleep, so I lay very, very still. Reflections of light broke up the darkness, and I quickly closed my eyes. When he did look back he wouldn’t know I was awake.

  I remained very still, holding my breath. When his car door opened, I sat up, surprising him. I looked out the window, and exclaimed, “Yeah! A town! I’m so hungry, Daddy!”

  The look on his face expressed total shock, and he stammered, “Uh…uh…Sarah. I…I thought you were still asleep, baby. Well, come on! Let’s get somethin’ to eat. I’m starvin’, too.”

  I knew better, but I didn’t say anything. I was just so glad to finally get something to eat.

  “Sarah, we’re gonna play a game,” he said, walking across the restaurant parking lot. “If anyone asks, your name is Suzy. I’m Eddie.”

  “Why, Daddy?”

  “It’s a game, Sarah! Do as you’re told!” he snapped.

  I didn’t know he was afraid someone might recognize us, but I played along when the waitress asked my name. She told Daddy I was such a cute little thing and gave me a free bowl of chocolate ice cream after I finished my dinner.

  “She must have a hollow leg under this table,” the waitress said. “Where else could she put that big burger, fries and ice cream, too?”

  Of course she didn’t know, other than the few crumbs I found in the seat, I hadn’t eaten in more days than I could remember.

  Daddy told me to stay in the booth while he talked to Martha, our waitress. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she kept laughing. When she walked away from the counter, Daddy winked at me and smiled. Within a few minutes Martha came back, still smiling, and handed Daddy something. He came back to our booth with a big smile on his face, sat down, and held up a key.

  “We won’t be sleeping in the car tonight, Sarah. You finished so we can get going?”

  “Yes, Daddy.”

  “Let’s go. We’ll stay with Martha for a few days.”

  “I like her, Daddy. She’s nice.”

  “Yes, she is, baby. Yes, she is.” He smirked, then drove in silence to her house ten blocks or so from the restaurant.

  He parked in front of a small yellow house with rose bushes on either side of a wooden porch. Daddy put the key into the lock, but he had to give the door a shove before it opened. Stepping inside, he felt around on the wall until he located the switch, then flipped on the light.

  The house was simply decorated, but nice. A gold couch sat in the middle of the living room; a matching over-stuffed chair in one corner, and a TV in the other. The rest of the wall spaces were bookshelves from floor to ceiling. Some were big and long; some were big and narrow, but every shelf was full of books.

  “Wow!” Turning in circles, I looked up and down at the bookcases. “Have you ever seen so many books, Daddy?”

  “Only in a library, Sarah.” He looked around. “Maybe we won’t be here long after all.”

 
We checked out the rest of the house and found more bookcases in every room except a small pantry off the kitchen and the bathroom. Daddy opened the refrigerator, helped himself to a can of beer, then asked, “Want to watch TV until Martha gets here, or go to bed?”

  “TV,” I answered without hesitation, and sat on the couch next to him, looking around the room. “Do you think she’s read all these books, Daddy?”

  “I don’t know. Guess you’ll have to ask her when she gets here.”

  Turning on the TV, some old movie was on. I thought it was boring, so I got up to take a closer look at the books. I hoped to find something for kids.

  “Sarah, will you get Daddy another beer?”

  “Okay.” I ran into the kitchen, grabbed a can off the shelf, then ran back into the living room. “Daddy, will you find a book for me?” I handed him the beer.

  “Not now, Sarah. It doesn’t look like these are books for kids anyway. Martha will be here in a few minutes, you can ask her.”

  I sat down in the chair with a deep sigh, and waited for Martha. It wasn’t long until the front door opened and she walked in.

  “Well, I see you found the place, and the beer.”

  “Yep, just making ourselves at home.” He drained the last of the beer, then smiled.

  “Martha?”

  “Yes, Suzy?”

  “These books. Have you read all of them?”

  She laughed. “No, not all, but most.”

  “Wow! Do you have any for kids?”

  “No, Suzy, I don’t. Most of these are law books.”

  “Law!?” Daddy exclaimed, sitting up straight.

  “Yes. I’m a lawyer by day and a waitress at night.”

  Daddy sat, spellbound, his eyes the size of saucers, staring at her. Martha broke the silence, and said, “Hey, a girl has to make ends meet. Small town lawyers don’t make as much as the big Oklahoma City lawyers.”

  “But…but I thought you were just a waitress,” he stammered.

  “Just a waitress? Eddie, are you a male chauvinistic pig?” She smiled.

  “Well, I hope not.” He changed the subject by asking, “You want a beer?”

  “Sure. You get ‘em while I slip into something more comfortable. My feet are killing me.”

  Martha went down the hallway and Daddy glanced at me before going into the kitchen. He seemed agitated and worried when he whispered, “We’re outta here first thing in the morning, Sarah. And don’t argue with me.”

  Martha made a bed for me on the couch since she only had the one bedroom. After Daddy tucked me in, she and Daddy headed off to her room, and after a few minutes, as I drifted off to sleep, I heard Martha laughing.

  I didn’t know what had happened after they went to bed, but the next morning Daddy said we’d stay for a while, and that made me happy. Martha’s house was warm and cozy, with lots of food in the refrigerator!

  Several months passed before they had their first big fight. I didn’t want to leave, but I knew Daddy did. It surprised me we stayed the rest of the day, and that night I prayed they’d make-up.

  Hours later, awakened by a scream, I jumped up from the couch, and looked around, not sure at first where I was. Then I saw Daddy coming out of the bedroom, and I remembered. We were at Martha’s. Since I’d left the TV on, I assumed the scream had been from the movie.

  “Sarah, hurry up and get dressed. We need to get out of here, now!”

  “What’s wrong, Daddy? Are you still mad at Martha?”

  “Nothing’s wrong, Sarah. We just need to get on the road. We’ve been here too long and Martha doesn’t want us here anymore. Now, move!”

  “Daddy, you’re bleeding! Did you cut your hand?”

  “Uh, no. No, I killed a mouse in the bedroom.” He looked at his hands, then went into the kitchen to wash the blood off.

  Now I figured the scream I heard came from Martha. Giggling, I asked, “Is she scared of a little mouse, Daddy?”

  “What?”

  “Martha. She’s scared of a mouse. That’s why she screamed, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, she’s scared of mice. Now hurry up, Sarah! We need to go!”

  I got my clothes together while Daddy searched the house. I watched as he looked in every drawer and started pulling books off the shelves making a big mess.

  “Martha’s gonna be mad at you.”

  “I don’t think she’ll say a word.” He smiled. “Go on now. Get ready to go.”

  I went to the bathroom, and when I came back into the living room it looked like a tornado had hit it. Lamps were broken, tables turned over, and most of the books were in the floor.

  “Daddy! Why did you do this?”

  “You aren’t old enough to understand, Sarah,” he answered absent-mindedly, still searching the room. “Are you ready to go?”

  “Can I say goodbye to Martha?”

  “No!” he snapped, ushering me toward the door. “She’s still sleeping.”

  It was still dark as he drove away from the yellow house as fast as he dared so not to attract attention. I felt bad not getting to tell Martha goodbye, and I think Daddy started to feel sorry for me, too. After that, he began treating me nicer.

  He didn’t tell me we hadn’t gotten to a town anymore, but of course, I didn’t sleep much either. I wasn’t gonna give him the chance, if I could help it, to not feed me again.

  We didn’t talk much after we left Martha’s house. He listened to the radio and kept his eyes on the road, except when coming into a town. Then he’d look back to see if I was asleep. Most of the time I was awake, watching the back of his head, and waiting.

  I knew the signs now, and I knew how to trick him!

  When he’d look back, I’d close my eyes and wait until the car started slowing down. Then I’d sit up, look out the window, and seeing the restaurant, I’d bounce up and down on the seat, clap my hands, and cry out, “Yeah, food! I’m so hungry, Daddy.”

  I got him every time, too!

  Daddy was clever and smart, but I’d learned how to be just as clever and sneaky as he was. Maybe I learned too well cause he never figured out how I always knew when we were close to a place with food.

  I think I got away with it because of patience, and sometimes just luck, but as long as I got to eat and go to the bathroom, I didn’t care.

  His looking back at me was the only clue I had that we were nearing a town. I knew he’d figure out what I was doing if I didn’t change things up, so sometimes I’d sit up as he slowed down, or I’d wait until the car completely stopped, and occasionally after he opened his door.

  But, I never waited until he closed his door. That would be taking too much of a risk, a stupid chance he’d get away before he knew I was awake.

  I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to feed me. He had money, and I wasn’t a fussy eater, especially when hungry, which was most of the time! Even when full, I’d eat everything on my plate.

  I didn’t know when I’d get to eat again!

  Daddy still got friendly with the waitresses, except now, he usually left with her and I stayed in the car. Sometimes it’d be daylight before he returned. It got cold at night, but I didn’t complain.

  Daddy had found an old coffee can for when I had to go, so that helped. He told me, “Don’t you ever—ever get out of this car. And, don’t ever unlock this door for anyone.”

  I didn’t want to make him mad, so I did as he said no matter how cold I got.

  I liked it when he was being nice to me.

  Five

  1954 – Kansas

  “Sarah, I’m tired and can’t drive anymore tonight. I’m gonna stop at this motel, but I need you to get on the floor and don’t get up until I tell you.”

  “Okay, Daddy.”

  When I was out of sight, he parked, went inside, and asked for a room away from the entrance. Returning, he drove to the far end, then sat in the car several minutes before he told me I could get up.

  We’d been on the road a very long time, and I f
elt so dirty. I only had the clothes I wore when we left home, and my last bath had been weeks ago at Martha’s. I missed her so much.

  Daddy still wouldn’t tell me why we had to leave, or why I couldn’t bring the clothes she’d given me. The last time I said her name he got mad, told me to forget her and to not talk about her ever again. He’d said that same thing about Mama, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t think about her. And I could think about Martha, too!

  We’d been stopping at drive-in places for food lately. Probably so no one would know I was dirty and smelly, but I didn’t care where we stopped as long as there was food!

  As soon as we got inside the room I checked out the bathroom.

  “Daddy, can I take a bubble bath? There’s a big tub!” I yelled.

  “Sure baby. I’ll run the water for you.” A strange look crossed his face while he watched me get undress and climb in the tub. Then, without another word, he went into the other room.

  I used to watch Mama when she washed some of her clothes in the sink, so every time we stayed at a motel I’d wash mine in the tub after I took my bath. I tried to get them clean, but it was hard. I wished Daddy would help me, but he never did.

  The water felt so good, I didn’t ever want to get out, but Daddy yelled for me to hurry up. Reluctantly, I finished washing, climbed out, and laid my wet clothes across the edge of the tub to dry, realizing I’d left the nightgown Martha gave me in the car.

  “Daddy, I don’t have anything to sleep in!”

  I waited for a response, then yelled again. “Daddy!”

  Wrapping the wet towel around me, I went to ask what to wear, but he was lying across the bed, asleep. I looked for a blanket, but couldn’t find one, so I wrapped the towel tighter around me and curled up in the chair. I felt cold, lost, and so alone.

  I thought of Judy and softly cried myself to sleep.

  “Sarah, get up,” he said, shaking me. “Why are you sleeping in the chair?” The tone of his voice scared me, and I looked up into his frowning face.

  “You were sleeping, Daddy. I didn’t want to wake you…I didn’t have my nightgown…my clothes were wet…I didn’t know what to wear.” I faltered over the words, and then watched for any sign that he wasn’t mad.