BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  Instead of a sitting at a small table as planned, he sat on a stool at the bar.

  “Hey, Henry! What’s cookin’ man?”

  “Not much, Barney. How ‘bout a double shot of Jack.”

  “Ya got it, buddy.” Barney poured the drink, then went back to washing dirty glasses from the lunch run.

  “You seen any of the guys today, Barney?” Henry asked, taking a sip of his drink.

  “Yeah, a couple of patrolmen ‘bout half hour ago. Been kinda slow this afternoon, but ya shoulda been here at lunch. It was bizzzeee! Lotsa guys was here.” Then quickly added, “For the sandwiches.”

  Henry sighed, and nodded. He knew, as well as Barney, the guys came for more than sandwiches, but he could care less. Sipping his drink, he hoped someone would come back in.

  No one did.

  Finishing his drink, he tossed a buck on the counter and headed for the door. “Take it easy, Barney,” he called over his shoulder.

  “Yeah, you too, Henry.” Barney laughed. “Get back out there and keep our streets safe!”

  Waving, Henry walked out the door. He didn’t want to go home, so he drove around town, thinking, but at the same time, trying not to think at all.

  Around two in the morning he pulled into his driveway and saw lights on in the living room. Olivia should’ve gone to bed hours ago, he thought, putting his key in the lock. She gave up waiting for him to come home at a “decent hour” years ago, and since she didn’t leave lights on for him, he figured something was up.

  When he walked in and saw her sitting on the couch with her Bible opened, he knew for sure his plans of getting food and much needed rest were about to change.

  “Henry, you have to go out to the house. Violet and Barbara are drunk as skunks, fighting, and breaking things. Margaret called an hour ago, frantic, as usual. She wants you to do something with her this time.”

  Without a word, Henry turned, walked out the door, and back to his car. Sitting behind the wheel, he didn’t want to move. He felt exhausted, and his head was pounding.

  “Of course I have a headache,” he grumbled. “I haven’t had anything to eat all day, and I won’t get anything to eat tonight, or sleep either.” Backing out of the driveway, he realized he also felt nauseous from nothing but booze in his stomach.

  Arriving at the house, he sat in the car trying to get up the nerve needed to deal with the unpleasant situation that awaited him. He wanted to turn around and drive away, but how could he? His elderly parents were inside.

  “Nope, I have to take the bull by the horns whether I want to or not,” he muttered and climbed out of the car. Halfway up the walk, he heard the commotion inside.

  “You fuckin’ bitch! I’ll kill you! Get the hell out of my way!” Violet screamed as her fist connected with Barbara’s face.

  Falling backwards, Barbara yelled, “I’ll kill you – you – you – SLUT! You WHORE!”

  A lamp crashed to the floor as Violet stumbled backwards from Barbara’s fist against the side of her head. Henry stood outside the door, watching and listening to the chaos, not wanting to go in, but he had to stop it, and he had to check on his parents.

  Taking a deep breath, he opened the door, managed to duck a blow meant for his sister, grabbed Barbara’s arm, and pushed her away from Violet.

  “Hey! Knock it off! Both of you!” he yelled, grabbing Violet just in time to pull her away from the clutches of her sister’s reach. “Barbara, enough! Go into the other room—NOW!”

  “I’ll kill the fuckin’ bitch!” She lunged toward Violet again.

  Pulling her away, Henry calmly said, “You aren’t gonna kill anyone, Barbara.” Then, slowly he said each word so she might hear him, “Get – in – the – other – room – like – I – said.”

  Barbara’s eyes smoldered as she stormed out of the living room, slamming the bedroom door behind her.

  “One out of the way,” he whispered.

  “Vi, sit down.” He led her toward the couch. “We have to talk.”

  “It hurts so much, Henry. I can’t live without my baby. Please! Pleaseeee, find her!”

  “I’m doin’ all I can Vi, but you have to stop drinking and fighting with your sister. Do you hear me?”

  “I hear you, but…but, she makes me so damn mad! She calls me names and she doesn’t understand. She never lost a child. Hell, she never held a man long enough to have a child with!”

  “Violet, stop it! You’ve been married how many times? Six?”

  “Seven, but twice to the same man.”

  “It sounds to me like you have no room to talk, then.”

  “But she doesn’t know how I feel, Henry. She doesn’t care. No one cares.”

  “We all care, Violet. You’re just upset, and—drunk.”

  She looked at him, blinking, as tears ran down her cheeks. He pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to her. “Here, blow your nose. I’m gonna check on the folks. You sit right here. Do you understand? Stay right here.”

  She nodded, and Henry went to the kitchen where his mother was blotting a stream of blood running down the side of his father’s head. “Dad, are you all right?”

  “I’m okay, son. I have a hard head.” Jack grinned.

  “Damn it!” Henry exclaimed. “I’m taking Violet to the sanitarium tonight. They’ll get her dried out again so this shit will stop.”

  “Do you have to do that?” Margaret whined.

  “Yes, Mother, I do! Look at Dad! He’s bleeding! This could’ve been a lot worse! What else can I do?”

  “He’s right, Margaret. We can’t go on like this.” Jack tried to console his wife.

  “I know, Jack. But…but, to that place.”

  “Mother, I have no choice unless you want me to take her downtown and lock her up.”

  “Nooooo! Not that! Don’t take her to jail! Please, don’t do that!”

  “Well, then, I have no other alternative, Mother.” Henry looked back and forth at his parents, waiting for another protest. To his amazement, she said nothing more.

  “Stay in here until I get her out to the car. I’ll call you later.” He looked at his dad, then turned and went into the living room, prepared for the next battle.

  Violet had passed out on the couch, so he sat down next to her, took a few deep breaths, and whispered, “I’m exhausted, and this isn’t over yet. I wish I could just lay my head back and sleep until the cows come home.”

  He sighed deeply, then shook Violet to wake her.

  Moaning, she rolled over. “What? Leave me alone. Let me sleep.”

  “Vi, get up.” He pulled her to a sitting position. “We’re going for a drive to clear your head.”

  “Where are you taking me? I don’t wanna go to your house, Henry!” Her eyes widened with fear. “Olivia’s mad at me.”

  “No, Vi, we’re not going to my house. We’re gonna drive around for a while. Come on, stand up. We need to go.” He pulled her off the couch, helped her put on her coat and proceeded to lead her out the front door.

  Inside the car, she leaned her head against the headrest and passed out again.

  “Good. Now I won’t have to tell her where she’s going,” he whispered, turning onto the highway. “She’s gonna be pissed, but Crestview is better than lockup.”

  Violet was still passed out when they arrived at the sanitarium. Henry felt relief that he’d called several weeks back to make the arrangements. But now, the hardest part awaited—he had to take her inside—and leave her.

  Knowing he was doing the best thing for his sister didn’t make it any easier, but he had to think of Violet, not himself. At least, this way she’d get the help she needed once more, and hopefully, she’d be able to stay sober when she came home again.

  “Violet, wake up.” He shook her.

  Stirring, she didn’t attempt to sit up, and mumbled, “Let me sleep, please. Just let me sleep.”

  “Vi, come on. You have to get up.”

  “Where are we?” she a
sked, raising her head.

  “We’re at Crestview…”

  “Nooooo!” She screamed. “No, Henry! You can’t put me back in that horrible, ghastly place again!”

  “I’m sorry Vi, but I have no choice. We can’t go on like this. Remember, you stayed sober for almost three months last time.”

  “No, Henry! Please don’t!” she cried.

  He knew arguing with her would do no good, so he got out, went around, opened her door, and pulled her, kicking and screaming, out of the car.

  “Henry, please don’t do this!” Crying, she tried to sit down in the driveway.

  “Violet, they can help you!” As he drug her, still kicking and screaming, up to the door, the night attendant heard the racket outside, and came to the door.

  “Hello, Detective Frye.” She smiled. “Violet, it’s nice to see you again.”

  “Bullshit!” Violet shrieked before her voice broke into the sob she’d kept in check until now. No longer able to hold any emotion inside, she cried, “Henry, pleaseeeeee!”

  Henry and the attendant pulled her into the waiting area. Violet fell to the floor, sobbing. Henry turned and walked out the door, leaving her for the staff to deal with.

  “You sonuvabitch! Henry! You son–of–a–bitch!” Violet yelled at the top of her lungs. “Come back! Please, come back!”

  Henry stood outside on the steps listening to her cries as long as he could stand it. His head had started pounding again. Taking Violet inside had only taken a few minutes, but it had felt like hours.

  Deep inside, Henry knew he’d done the right thing—the only thing—under the circumstances. He drove home, planning to call his parents after he had some sleep, and hopefully, some food for his gnarling stomach.

  Seven

  1955 – Wyoming

  “Sarah, we’re staying at a motel tonight, but we need money. Remember, I told you I’d teach you how to get anything we want—without money?”

  “I remember, Daddy.”

  “Okay. I’m gonna drive around these neighborhoods, and when we find an open garage door, I want you to sneak inside and pick up any tools you can carry. Do you understand what I need you to do?”

  “That’s stealing, Daddy!”

  “Do you want to eat tomorrow!?” he snapped, looking back at me. I nodded. “Then, do as I say!”

  “But, what if I get caught?”

  “You won’t, but if you do, no one’s gonna put a little kid in jail.”

  “I’m scared, Daddy.”

  “Me too, Sarah, but I’m tired and I’m hungry, and we’re broke. It’s the only way to get fast money.”

  I didn’t like the idea, but I was so hungry, and no matter what, I didn’t want Daddy mad at me. Scared or not, I had to do as he said.

  He drove up and down streets until he saw an open garage and no one around.

  “Okay Sarah, this is it! Get out, but don’t close the door. Stay low to the ground, and be quiet as a mouse when you get inside. Pick up the biggest tool you can carry, then run back to the car. Do you understand?”

  “I think so, but what if someone sees me?”

  “If you’re quiet, they won’t! But, if someone does come out of the house, run. Run as fast as you can and jump into the car.”

  “Okay, Daddy.” I got out, leaving the door open, and stayed low to the ground as I ran into the garage. I saw a big round thing with a jagged blade, but it was too heavy. Then, I saw something that looked the same but smaller. It was heavy, but I was so frightened, and with adrenaline rushing through me, I managed to pick it up, and take it back to the car.

  “Hurry up, Sarah!” he yelled. “Get in and close the door!” The second the door closed he drove off like a bat outta hell, laughing.

  “Now wasn’t that easy, baby? Damn! I didn’t think you could carry a circular saw!” He smiled. “This’ll get enough money for a room, but now we need to get something else for food.”

  “Do I have to steal again, Daddy?”

  “You want to eat, don’t you?”

  I nodded.

  “Well then, we need to get something else I can sell.”

  He drove through many residential areas until he found a house with the garage door open. “Okay, Sarah. Do like you did before, and go get whatever you can carry.”

  I got out, then ran as fast as I could. Inside, I saw a lawn mower and a big red tool box, but nothing small. I ran back to the car, and jumped in. “Daddy, there’s nothing I can pick up.”

  “Well, without something to sell, there’s nothing I can do. I guess you don’t eat!” he snapped, and drove on down the street.

  “I’m sorry, Daddy.” I began to cry.

  “You’ll be real sorry tomorrow—well, well, look what we have here. Maybe you’ll get to eat after all.” He stopped in front of another house. “You get to try once more.”

  I didn’t want to disappoint him again, and I didn’t want to miss a meal, so I jumped out, and ran into the open garage. Grabbing the first thing I saw, I ran back to the car, and scrambled into the back seat. “Another thing like the other one, Daddy. Is this okay?”

  “Very good, baby! Very good! I knew you could do it!” After a quick burst of ribald laughter he drove away, saying, “Well, I guess you do get to eat after all.”

  In town, I scrunched down on the floor, out of sight. He parked in front of a pawn shop, and with a grin, said, “I’ll be right back with money, honey.”

  He stayed inside the pawn shop for a long time, but when he came out and got into the car, his smile broadened. “We got one hundred dollars, Sarah! A lot more than I thought we’d get. One of the saws was brand-spankin’ new! I had to dicker with him, but I got what I asked for.”

  So that was the start of getting money when needed. And, like Daddy said, “If they’re stupid enough to leave it open, then we’re smart enough to help ourselves.”

  I knew it was wrong, and I was always scared, but my only goals in life were to please Daddy, and to eat on a regular basis. I’d do anything he said.

  He drove to the outskirts of town, but just before he pulled into the parking lot of a Motel 6, he said, “Lie down and stay out of sight, Sarah.”

  “Okay, Daddy. I remember.” I moved off the seat, onto the floorboard.

  Within moments he returned, drove to the far end, and like before, sat in the car looking around before telling me I could get up.

  He took a shower first, then filled the tub with lots of bubbles for me. Closing the lid to the toilet, he sat down and watched me while I took my bath. He didn’t speak until I asked if I had time for my clothes to dry.

  “I think so. Just hurry up, okay?”

  “Okay, Daddy.”

  He started to leave, then stopped at the door, and smiled at me. “Sarah, will you be daddy’s big girl tonight?”

  Seeing that sparkle in his eyes, I knew he’d be happy if I said I would. “Sure, Daddy. Whatever you want.”

  The smile on his face blossomed into a big grin as he left the bathroom, then yelled, “Hurry up! I’ll be waiting for you.”

  Seeing him smiling and happy made me feel good, and I washed my clothes quickly so not to keep him waiting too long.

  When I came out of the bathroom he was sitting up with pillows propped behind his head. A strange smile crossed his lips as he tried to suppress an all too incriminating grin. He pulled the sheet down to his waist, saying, “Sarah, come get into bed. Right here, next to me.” Pulling back the sheet, he patted the empty side of the bed.

  Climbing in, I pulled the sheet up to my neck.

  “You know, Sarah, I’m sorry we couldn’t go back and get Judy. I wanted to, but I’ll make it up to you, baby.”

  “I know, Daddy. It’s just I loved her so much.”

  “Come on, lie next to me. I’ll hold you like you held Judy.”

  I moved closer, but when I felt he didn’t have any clothes on, it scared me. I tried to move away, but he held me tight against his warm, naked body.

  �
�Come on, baby, you know daddy won’t hurt you.” His face flushed, and his voice became strained. “But, now that your mama’s gone you have to take care of me like she did.”

  “What do you mean, Daddy?”

  “Well, snuggle up close and hold me—here.” He pulled my hand down, placing it on something warm and hard. Frightened, I tried to pull away, but he held my hand tight against him. “Just hold it, Sarah! Come on, baby. Hold it tight for daddy.”

  The sound of his heavy breathing roared in my ears. I was so scared and so confused. I’d never felt so frightened in my whole life! Then my head began to spin and I felt faint, like I was floating, and a soft voice, a comforting voice, whispered in my head…“It’s okay. I’ll protect you. I’ll take what this man, our daddy, wants to do to us. He can do it to me. I’m older. I can handle this.”

  Then the voice was gone and I drifted—like into another world—or into another dimension of time—far, far away, but still I remained close enough to see what was happening.

  It felt like a dream…a frightening dream, but I couldn’t wake up.

  Terrified, I watched a girl who looked a lot like me, but older, while Daddy made her touch him. His breathing got louder and faster when he began moving her hand up and down on his hard thing. She tried over and over again to pull away from him, but each time she tried, he’d tighten his grip so tight I thought for sure her hand would break.

  “Be still, Sarah! I won’t hurt you!” he shouted, and his voice sounded angry and strange. Raspy-like, and his breath felt hot.

  “Nooooo, Daddy. Please stop!” she begged, but he didn’t listen. He acted like a total stranger. Crying, the girl repeatedly begged him to stop, but his grip tightened even more as he moved her hand faster and faster until something warm squirted out.

  Only then did he let go of her, and whispered, “That was very good, baby. You’re daddy’s big girl now.”

  Then he fell asleep.

  When I awoke, lying next to Daddy, he was still sleeping. I remembered him forcing me to touch him, and hearing the voice of an angel whispering in my ear. I didn’t know if my dream had actually happened—or if it was a premonition of something that was gonna happen when I got older, but my hand hurt and I felt something sticky on my stomach.