BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  Still, the faces made, along with her crying, had haunted his sleep all night. When he’d gone into the dining room dressed for work, she sat at the table, still fuming.

  “Do you want coffee?” she asked coldly, not looking at him.

  “No, thanks. I need to get to work early this morning.”

  She nodded, and since he didn’t want to start another argument, he held his tongue, put on his hat, and walked out the door without another word, but mumbled while walking to the car, “She’s just bent out of shape because she knows I’m right.” He climbed behind the wheel, adding, “She’ll get over it.”

  Backing out of the driveway, he decided not to give it another thought.

  Arriving in his office an hour early, no one was there for him to talk to. He’d gone to check the teletype that came in during the night when the phone rang.

  “Detective Division, Frye speaking.”

  “Detective, this is Agent Monroe, FBI. I just had an anonymous tip that your niece might be in California, and if so, although it hasn’t been verified yet, it seems your brother-in-law may have a sister—”

  “What do you know about this sister?” Henry asked, interrupting the agent. “Eli said he was an only child.”

  “Not much, I’m afraid. Like I said, if the informant is correct, she may live in California. The caller didn’t say what city, only that her name is Molly, she’s married, no kids.”

  “Did the caller give the husband’s name?”

  “No. If she knew it, she didn’t say. I know this isn’t much to go on, but hopefully it gives you a place to start, and of course, we’ll do what we can on this end.”

  “Thank you, Agent Monroe. You’ve given me some valuable information to work with. If you hear anything else, please let me know.”

  “Of course, Detective. And, there’s one other thing. The caller said she thought the little girl might’ve been mistreated—”

  “Mistreated?” Henry interrupted again. “In what way?”

  “She didn’t say, and she hung up before I could ask any more questions. I’m sorry, Detective. I should’ve waited for verification, but I know you’ve been waiting for any news. Unfortunately, I don’t know anything more than what I’ve just told you.”

  “All right. Thank you for calling, Agent. Goodbye.” Henry hung up the receiver, thought over what Agent Monroe had said, then headed for the captain’s office.

  Excitement began to build as he hurried down the hall. Forgetting to knock, he burst into Jake Miller’s office, yelling, “Cap, you won’t believe this! I just spoke to an agent with the FBI…there’s a woman…an anonymous tip…but we have a lead on where Sarah might be!”

  “Slow down, Henry. Take a breath.” Jake motioned for Henry to sit.

  He sat for thirty seconds then jumped up, shouting, “She might be in California! Eli has a sister!”

  “That’s great, Henry. Tell me what you want to do, slowly.”

  “I wanna go to California, Jake! Her name’s Molly, she’s married….” Taking a breath, he sat down and looked at his captain.

  “That’s it? No city? No last name?” Jake grinned.

  “That’s it, Cap!” Noticing Jake’s grin, he realized what he sounded like and shook his head. “Kinda stupid wantin’ to run off to a big place like California with nothin’ to go on.” He laughed at himself. “I’m acting like a damn rookie cop. Sorry, Cap.”

  “That’s okay, Henry. You have the right to be excited. This is the first good lead we’ve had. Now, tell me again, what you want to do.” Jake laughed.

  “Cross-check all the Molly’s in California. Find the married ones without kids and start checking them out.”

  “That’s better. Ask Brian and Scott to help. They just turned in paperwork from their last case, and have nothing going on right now.”

  “Thanks, Jake. I know they’ll be glad to help. They almost want the bastard as badly as I do.” Henry left Jake’s office, thankful to be acting like a seasoned cop again.

  He found Brian and Scott, told them about the phone call and what he needed. Of course, neither officer argued, but said in unison, “Let’s get the SOB.”

  The three detectives pulled out all stops to locate Molly in California, thinking, if only they had a last name or even a street name, but they knew, sometimes ya just gotta go with what ya got and pray the pieces fall into place.

  They spent every spare moment searching all resources available. After numerous weeks, they’d found a long list of Molly’s living in California within the last five years.

  Next they checked the Department of Motor Vehicle records. Henry believed Molly would be close to the same age as Eli—within five years or so—which helped shorten their list. Then they eliminated all single Molly’s, as well as any with kids.

  After many more weeks of burning the midnight oil they had the list cut down considerably. “Brian, Scott, thank you for staying with me on this. It’s down to a workable number, and with any luck, we’ll find Sarah and bring her home.” Henry smiled.

  “Glad to help,” Scott said. “Hell, if she was our niece, you’d do the same for us.”

  “That’s right, Henry. Find that little girl and get her back where she belongs,” Brian added. “If we can do anything else to help, just let us know.”

  “I will. Thanks, guys. Now, why don’t we go home and get some much needed sleep? It’s three-thirty in the freaking morning!”

  “Good idea. My wife will be surprised to have me home so early!” Brian laughed and headed for the door. “Night, boys.”

  “Henry, ya want to come over for a nightcap before going home?” Scott asked.

  “Thanks, Scott, but I’m beat. Can I get a rain check?”

  “Anytime, buddy. Always have a bottle of Jack in the cabinet just for you.”

  Driving home, Henry turned off the radio so he could think more clearly. He knew he had to turn his list over to the FBI, but that didn’t damper his feelings of joy.

  Climbing in bed, he fell asleep within minutes and dreamed of knocking on Molly’s door, and as the door opened, Sarah would be standing in front of him, smiling, happy to see him.

  After only an hour of sleep, Henry thought he’d still be exhausted, but with adrenaline flowing, he awoke refreshed, ready to make his dream come true.

  He expected to find Olivia sitting in the dining room, but the house appeared deserted. She had told him she’d be walking again, so assuming she’d started those walks, he wasn’t waiting around. He had important things to do this morning.

  First he’d inform Jake. Then, he’d take the list over to the FBI so they could narrow the search and, ultimately, find Molly whatever-her-name—and Sarah.

  Picking up his hat, he left the house with a big grin on his face.

  Sixteen

  1958 – California

  “Sarah, wake up.” He looked into the back seat, and yelled, “Sarah!” His voice sounded miles away; I opened my eyes, and saw Daddy looking at me, grinning. “We’ll be at my sister’s in a day or two!”

  He’d been driving night and day after leaving the motel, and I’d spent most of that time sleeping. The terror I’d felt while on top of the roof had really worn me out. I needed the rest.

  In my head I could still hear Jimmy crying, but I knew I did all I could for the little guy. I was glad I told Daddy I didn’t know when he’d eaten last and about the milk in his bottle being bad. He promised he’d give him a new bottle when I went out to the car. I hope he did.

  Poor little kid. He didn’t ask for any of that shit! He didn’t ask to be left with no one to care for him! I still wished Daddy hadn’t left him. I know I could’ve taken care of him…

  “Sarah!”

  “What?” I looked at him with a blank stare.

  “I asked if you’re hungry.”

  “I’m sorry, Daddy. I was just thinking. But, I’m starving and I gotta go, bad.

  “We’ll stop up here, okay?”

  Looking out the wi
ndow, I saw the town just ahead. “I can wait that long.”

  I didn’t know where we were in California, but I’d get to meet Molly in a couple of days. Daddy said the last time he saw her she had bright red hair, and that she sings, but other than that, I knew nothing about her.

  He pulled into the restaurant parking lot, and parked close to the door. I went straight to the bathroom, and almost didn’t make it! When I came out, Daddy sat in a booth, smiling in his charming way, as he sweet-talked the waitress.

  I heard him say, “No, we’re just passing through, but if I get back this way, I’ll take you up on that offer.”

  I sat down, smiled up at her, and from the look on her face, I knew Daddy had her eating out of his hand.

  “What can I get you, little one?” She grinned.

  “Tuna sandwich, French fries and a Coke, please.”

  “And manners, too. I’m impressed, Carl. You’ve raised her well since the death of your wife.” She patted Daddy’s shoulder, and smiled ear to ear. “I’ll be right back with your drinks.”

  “Carl?” I whispered. “That’s a new one, Daddy. Who am I?”

  “You’re Kathy. Do you like that name?”

  “Yeah, I like it! It’s a lot better than Suzy.”

  The waitress brought my soda and Daddy’s coffee just as some other people walked in. She said she had to seat them and get their order, but she’d talk more to Carl later.

  I’d tried several times talking to Daddy after we left Janet. I’d decided—even though he hadn’t asked—I wanted to tell him about all the men at the house while he was gone.

  He didn’t want to listen.

  Talking to the waitress had gotten him in a really good mood, so I decided to try one more time. Before I got two words out of my mouth about it, he gave me his ‘I don’t want to hear it’ look, and said, “Sarah, that’s a closed book. We’ll never speak about it again.”

  I figured it really didn’t matter if Jimmy was Daddy’s kid or not. I still loved Jimmy, and he’d always be my little brother—my lost, deserted little brother.

  “Aye, we all loved the wee one,” Scottie whispered.

  After we finished lunch, Daddy talked to the waitress while I went to the bathroom again. I hoped he wouldn’t leave with her, and when I came back to the table, he kissed her on the cheek, and said he’d call her.

  We left the restaurant, just the two of us!

  Daddy said Molly lived in Downey and he’d call for directions when we hit the city limits. With a full tummy, I felt content and fell asleep as soon as he turned onto the highway.

  I woke up just as Daddy came out of a little store, whistling, and carrying a small paper sack in his hand. He climbed behind the wheel, turned to me, and handed me the bag. “I figured you’d be thirsty. I got your favorite.”

  I tried to open the Coke, but I couldn’t pull the cap off that Daddy had loosened for me while in the store. Daddy took the bottle, pulled it off with ease, handed it back to me, and said, “I called Molly and we’ll be at her house in about an hour.”

  “That’s great Daddy, but you haven’t told me much about her.” I took a swig of my soda, waiting to hear more.

  “I told you all I know, Sarah. I haven’t seen her in twenty years, but you’ll have plenty of time to get to know her. We’ll be staying there for a while.”

  “You’re staying too, aren’t you, Daddy?”

  “Why do you ask that, Sarah?”

  “I thought you might leave me there—alone.”

  “Now, have I ever left you alone before, baby?” He laughed. “Daddy’s not gonna leave you. Okay?”

  I looked into his eyes, and in my head I heard Jean’s voice…“He left us many times! All the times we waited in the fuckin’ car while he went off to get laid! And, he left us with Janet!”

  “Jean, watch your temper! He always came back,” Ann warned.

  I decided I’d better not tell him what Jean had said—even though she spoke the truth.

  “Okay, Daddy. We’ve been together a long time, just you and me, until Janet.”

  “Yes, baby. It was just us for many years.”

  “I’ve taken good care of you, haven’t I, Daddy? Haven’t I?” Jean appealed.

  Jean took over because she needed him to remember they’d always done as he said, no matter what. But deep down, she knew, same as I knew, Daddy planned to leave us, just like he left Jimmy. Only difference—we’d be left with strangers, and he’d be gone—maybe forever.

  “You know I’ve shown you how much I love you all these years. You’re daddy’s big girl, Sarah. You’ve taken very good care of me, baby. Daddy needs you, Sarah. I need you right now. Come up here and give daddy what you know he needs. Come on, baby, climb over the seat. That’s my girl.”

  Jean climbed into the front seat.

  Daddy already had his thing out of his pants, and leaned his head back against the window. He moaned as she, again, did as he’d asked. When finished, he fell asleep, smiling.

  Jean climbed into the back and lay down, watching him sleep. We all loved him so much, and the thought of not being with him made Jean so sad. She hoped it had been good enough, and fell into a deep sleep….

  “Sarah, wake up! We’re here! We’re at Molly’s house!” Parking in the driveway, he got out and opened my door just as a red-headed woman came running out of the house, waving her arms.

  She scampered up to him, throwing her arms around his neck. I saw tears running down her cheeks.

  “Eli! Oh, Eli! You’re here! My dear brother, it’s been too long!” Smiling, she looked at me. “Is this little Sarah? Oh, Eli she’s darling!” She bent down and gave me a hug.

  “Come in the house. I want you to meet my husband. Oh Eli, you’re gonna like Frank. He’s so much like you! Tall, good-looking, and smart.” She held on to Daddy’s arm and laughed all the way to the door.

  Her husband’s name—that name—and Molly saying he was ‘like Daddy’ made the others remember Uncle Frank. It frightened Polly so much she didn’t want to go into the house.

  “I don’t want to go inside! I don’t want to be hurt again!” Polly cried.

  “It’s all right, Polly. We’re here with you,” Ann comforted her. But, not knowing what we’d be walking into, Ann felt she should take over, and thought, Uncle Frank is just another bitter memory added to all the others….

  “Frank, they’re here! Eli and little Sarah! They’re here!”

  Ann knew she had to get her thoughts off the other Uncle Frank before she met this Frank. To redirect her thoughts, she concentrated on Molly’s very red hair piled on top of her head with strands hanging down the sides, touching her shoulders. The bright red color looked good, and she liked Molly’s smile.

  Molly had greeted them with a big smile that hadn’t appeared fake like so many of the women she’d seen. Bobbi had a beautiful smile…

  Suddenly, strong hands gripped Ann’s arms and lifted her into the air.

  She was looking into the face of a man, smiling, with a thick, black beard and brown eyes. He looked nothing like the other Frank, and feeling comfortable, she allowed me to return, but instead, Jean came out.

  “Hi, Sarah. I’m Uncle Frank. I’m glad you’re gonna stay here and live with us.”

  Jean was thinking that he didn’t look like Daddy when it hit her as to what he’d said, and screamed, “Daddy, no! You said you weren’t leaving!”

  She struggled to get out of Frank’s grip.

  The second her feet hit the floor she ran to him, sobbing. “You said you were staying! Why, Daddy? Wasn’t it good enough? Didn’t I do it good enough?” Jean cried.

  “Excuse us, Molly. I need some privacy with my daughter while I explain about my leaving for a few days.”

  “Of course, Eli. Take all the time you need. We’ll be in the kitchen.”

  Daddy waited until Molly and Frank were out of hearing range, then frowning, he whispered, “I thought you were gonna give away our secret, Sarah! Remember
, I told you never, never tell anyone what you do for me? No one would understand.”

  “I didn’t say what it was, Daddy. Didn’t I do it good enough?” Jean’s eyes pleaded with him.

  “Sarah, baby, don’t cry. You did it very well, sweetie. Just the way I taught you. Daddy’s never complained, now have I?”

  “No, but I thought if it was good enough you wouldn’t leave me.”

  “I’m only gonna be gone a few days. Just long enough to finish a job, and then I need to stop off and visit some friends. I’ll be back before you know it. I promise.”

  “Promise?” she sniffled.

  “Yes, sweetie, I promise. Now, no more tears, and be very careful what you say around your Aunt Molly, okay?”

  “Okay, Daddy. I won’t tell.” She dried her tears.

  Daddy smiled, hoping Molly wouldn’t ask questions about what was good enough, and went into the kitchen.

  The next morning I awoke to the smell of bacon cooking. It smelled so good, and I was very hungry—as usual. Letting my nose lead the way, I found Molly in the kitchen, cooking, and Frank sitting at the table with the newspaper and a cup of coffee.

  “Well, good mornin’, sunshine.” Frank smiled.

  Molly told me where to sit, placing a glass of milk in front of me. “We’re having bacon, eggs, hash browns, and pancakes this morning, Sarah.”

  “That sounds good, but I don’t like milk. May I have a Coke, please?”

  “You can have water or juice, but no soda this early in the morning.”

  I chose the juice, then asked, “Where’s Daddy?”

  “He left early this morning, sweetie,” Frank answered.

  Instantly, my heart sank. When I went to bed he said he’d see me in the morning. Daddy had lied. He left me just like I knew he would! Why did I trust him? I knew he’d run out on me!

  I felt so sad—and betrayed.

  “I tried to do it good enough, Daddy. I’m sorry. Please come back to us,” Jean whispered.

  Several days came and went. Then several weeks. After several months I stopped asking if they’d heard from Daddy. He left Jimmy, and he left me, too, and deep down, I knew he wouldn’t be back.