BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  I’d learned real fast when Olivia didn’t approve of something, or someone—usually me—she’d press her lips together firmly while twisting her mouth in a way that looked alien-like, but soon after the first time I saw that look, I also learned when she got mad, her blue eyes turned completely black. MONSTER BLACK!

  I knew when I saw those eyes and that mouth together, I was in major trouble!

  Uncle Henry put his arm around my shoulders and smiled. “You doin’ okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m okay.” I looked around the room. “So many people are here. Do you know who they all are?”

  “Well, not all. Your mother had many friends I never met.”

  “Her drinking buddies?”

  “Some probably are.” His eyes scanned the room. “But, many I recognize as people she worked with years ago at the state hospital.” He smiled. “We’re getting ready to go to the cemetery. You want to ride with me?”

  “Oh, yes! I’d like that!” I answered, happily, just as Olivia walked up.

  She glared at her husband, then grabbed my arm, saying, “You’re coming with me, Sarah.”

  Uncle Henry forced a smile, then said, “Go on, sweetie. We’ll talk later.”

  Reluctantly, I left with her, but my heart ached. I wanted to be with Uncle Henry. I felt sure he liked me. But even he didn’t want to go up against Olivia! Of course, I didn’t blame him. I knew what Olivia wanted, Olivia got! There was no right and wrong with her. It was either her way or the wrong way. Cut and dried.

  Again, she parked me in a chair against the wall so she could talk to some ladies. Looking around, I became engrossed watching several men who’d lined up on each side of the casket. Before I realized it, Olivia stood next to me with her alien mouth fully formed. Pompously, she looked at me, and I wondered if I’d ever please her.

  I wanted to ask about those men, but that familiar grasp told me I’d better keep quiet and start walking. With little pushes from behind, I stayed two steps ahead of her, and walked out of the chapel towards a long black limousine waiting to take us to the cemetery.

  The men I’d been watching must’ve gone out a side door because they were already putting the casket into a big white car parked at the side of the building. Again, I started to ask about them, but Aunt Olivia had started talking to another woman.

  One lesson learned early on—do not interrupt Olivia, or any grown-ups, when they’re talking. And since I’d already made the top of her black list, several times over, I stayed quiet, thinking that the woman talking with Olivia looked so pretty!

  She was tall, very slender, with shoulder-length ash blond hair that fell loosely around her face. She looked like the woman I’d seen talking with Uncle Jason the other night, and if she was the same woman, she had to be my Aunt Julie.

  Several times she glanced at me and smiled, but when we got to the car, she smiled again and continued on to the limousine parked behind us. Olivia called her Julie, so I figured she must be my other aunt.

  A man dressed in black stood outside the limo we were to ride in. He held the car door open, but when I started to get into the back seat, I saw Auntie, The Bitch, already inside. I didn’t want to sit next to her! I didn’t want anywhere near her!

  But then, thinking that this could be another chance to give her the unadulterated look of hate, I felt a little better about getting into the car. But just as I climbed in, she looked down at her twisting hands! Once again, she didn’t see the hate-filled look I tried to give her.

  “Hurry up, Sarah. Get in the car!”

  I turned to protest, but saw her alien mouth forming, so I didn’t argue. I climbed in the car thinking that I’d just go into a world of my own. I knew I could get through it. I’d gotten through much worse!

  I did my best to rationalize my current situation, but sitting next to the damned witch who, no matter what anyone said, I’d always believe killed my mother, was very difficult.

  After forcing myself into the car, Olivia climbed in behind me. I felt like a piece of bologna being squashed between two slices of bread, and let my thoughts drift back to a time with Daddy.

  I didn’t know how long we’d been on the road, but I hadn’t eaten in days. I was starving. I told Daddy I was hungry, but he said, “We haven’t gotten to a town yet, baby. Go back to sleep, and Daddy will wake you when we get to a town.”

  Believing him, I curled up on the back seat thinking that I’d starve to death if we didn’t get to a town soon. I’d never been hungry before, and I didn’t like that feeling at all. I woke up often and told him again and again I was still hungry, but each time he’d say the same thing, so I’d lie back down. Sleep did help the emptiness in my stomach not seem quite as bad, but I couldn’t sleep forever—could I…?

  Hearing voices, I turned and saw Uncle Henry with Uncle Jason, Aunt Julie and, I assumed their son, Adam, getting into the limousine behind us. “I wish I could ride with them!” I whispered under my breath. “But no. I have to ride with the…”

  A faint voice interrupted my gripes. I looked at Olivia, hoping not to see the alien mouth, as she repeated, “What are you mumbling about?”

  Good! No alien looks. “Oh, I just wondered if the drive to the cemetery would take very long.”

  “It will take as long as it takes!” Auntie Bitch answered in her snotty tone.

  But then, it finally happened! She looked right at me as I glared with the hate-filled look I’d been trying to give her for days, and I knew she saw it!

  Of course, she gave me a hateful stare right back.

  I smiled after that glorious, long-awaited moment. I never knew how satisfied I’d feel showing her just how much I really did hate her, and without saying a word! It had been well worth the wait to see the look on her face.

  Uncle Jason got out of the limo, and stood looking around. I wondered who he was waiting for when his face broke into a big grin and an extremely tall, good-looking man walked up to him. I watched them until the tall stranger left and my uncle got back into the car.

  Uncle Jason stood about five-ten, and had a belly laugh that rocked the house. He was definitely the joker in the family, and with each unrestrained burst of laughter his soft blue eyes glistened brighter than the brightest star in the night sky.

  Uncle Henry was more on the quiet, serious side, but it was easy to tell that Uncle Jason would always be just a good ol’, down-to-earth boy who refused to grow up. I liked him very much!

  Finally, everyone had lined up behind the limos and the cars began moving along at a snail’s pace, which I’d been told was typical for a funeral procession. Cops were at every intersection, standing at attention, stopping traffic for us as we drove through town.

  “Cool!” I exclaimed.

  “What’s c-o-o-l?” Olivia snickered.

  “All these cops!”

  “Sarah! They are PO-leesmen, not cops, and you will refer to them as such! They’re friends and co-workers of your uncle and you will give them respect!”

  Wow! That sure got her hackles up. Unless I wanted my head bitten off, I knew I’d better shut up and finish the ride without saying another word.

  “Did you hear me, young lady?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I responded, without looking at her. I could still think whatever I wanted, and that way I wouldn’t get on Olivia’s bad side, I hoped.

  Still, it was cool seeing the cops stopping traffic for us!

  Uncle Henry was a detective, which still spelled cop in my book. He’d been a cop for a long time, but before that, he and Olivia, my mother, Auntie Bitch, well actually, everyone on his side of the family had worked at the state hospital.

  I didn’t know what they did there, but the hospital had closed years ago, and was not a subject they talked about. Maybe it reminded them of the place Uncle Henry took Mama, but now it was just a big empty building with a tall chain link fence around it.

  I saw it the first time in daylight as we passed by it on the way to my grandparent’s house after the
cops found me. Then, one Friday night when Uncle Henry picked me up later than usual, I saw it in the dark. It reminded me of an old castle in a Dracula movie, all dark and creepy-like with overgrown vines clinging to the sides, reaching toward the sky.

  Actually, it looked pretty scary, day or night!

  The limo began slowing to make the turn into the cemetery on the outskirts of town. Still moving at a snail’s pace through the grounds, we passed a group of people standing around a newly dug grave. All the women were clinging to the person next to them, and everyone was crying.

  Mama died a week ago, but I hadn’t cried. Besides, I knew it wouldn’t help, and I’d made a promise long ago that, if I could help it, I’d never cry in front of anyone again. I’d been told that when you cry, you’re weak, and I was not a weakling!

  The limo came to a stop near the plot, parking behind the white limo. Again, the same men had lined up on either side of the casket. I felt sad knowing the big hole that had been dug in the ground was where Mama would remain, forever.

  Olivia had told me she loved my mother, and they’d been best friends until Mama started drinking. She said someday she’d tell me about her. I hoped she would, but I’d also learned long ago not to trust what grown-ups said. They’d only tell you what they thought would keep you quiet, and what they thought you’d want to hear.

  Grown-ups didn’t have to tell the truth!

  “Sarah, let’s go!” I’d been lost in my own world, again, and didn’t hear Olivia say anything, or see her get out of the car.

  “Ouch! That hurts!” I squealed as she pinched me. Then, before I could move, her iron hand pulled on my arm. Looking up at her, I thought that she could be a football player the way her arms were built.

  Glaring, she released my arm, and in her disgusted voice, said, “Well, get out of the car! It’s time for the gravesite service. I swear, Sarah, you just don’t listen!”

  She waited for me to move, but I was busy picturing her being hurled over a goal post when she yelled, “SARAH! Don’t make me tell you again! Get out, NOW!”

  Oh no! Black monster eyes! Now I’d gone and done it! She really was pissed!

  “Yes, Aunt Olivia. I’m coming.”

  I got out of the car, but then she marched behind me like a drill sergeant, walking so close I could feel her breath on my neck. I had to force one foot in front of the other, thinking, I don’t want to be here! I want to be anywhere else, when I heard Uncle Henry’s voice behind me, saying, “Olivia, this child’s been through so much, and with Violet dying, give the kid a break.”

  Yeah! Uncle Henry to the rescue! But, when she turned her gaze from him and looked down at me, her eyes were monster black again. Poor Uncle Henry. By trying to help me, he’d made her mad, too.

  “Let’s go, Sarah. Now!” Olivia snapped.

  I followed her and Auntie Bitch to the area where twelve chairs were set up for the family. She handed me a handkerchief, which I didn’t need, but I took it anyway. Uncle Henry sat down next to her, and gave me a glance and a little smile. I smiled back.

  After everyone had been seated, only nine chairs were filled.

  Brother Joe, the pastor of the Southern Baptist Church located a few blocks down the main road from my grandparents, had just taken his place at the head of the grave. He stood solemnly while waiting for everyone to gather. He held a black book with gold lettering on the cover so tightly his knuckles turned white. It looked like the book on Grandmother’s nightstand, so I figured it must be a Bible.

  I was glad no one had talked to me since we’d arrived at the cemetery. The looks of pity still came my way often, but most everyone was now busy planning how long to stay for the reception at my grandparent’s house.

  Out of boredom, I decided to count cars parked behind the limos—all the cars that belonged to the “friends” who’d followed our limo. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine….

  A very heavyset woman was standing behind me, and when she began laughing it caught my attention. I listened as she talked to her friend.

  “Peggy, if they don’t have chocolate cake, I’m not staying!” Then, almost in a whisper, she added, “I want chocolate so bad. You know, I think funerals make me want cake.”

  Peggy smiled, and whispered, “I know, Maggie. I know.”

  I thought: Look at yourself lady! You look for any excuse to have cake, ice cream, pie…anything full of sugar to put more tonnage on you! Peggy rolled her eyes, and smiled, shaking her head. Maybe she had the same thoughts as I did.

  Oh well, where was I? Oh yeah! Ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen.

  That’s it. No more cars.

  Brother Joe had started waving his arm to get everyone’s attention, once again. I thought to myself, this preacher has so much patience. If it’d been me, I would’ve been yelling for everyone to shut the hell up long ago!

  Several women were still talking when chocolate cake Maggie turned to one of the ladies and snapped, “Kate! Be quiet so we can get this over with!”

  Kate also rolled her eyes, but she stopped talking.

  Another car pulled up, parking in front of the white limo. I watched as a man and a woman got out of the front seat while two kids climbed out the back. The girl appeared around eight or so; the boy a little older. I was thinking more strangers when I heard Olivia say to Grandmother, “John, Beth and the kids are here.”

  More family?

  I watched them walk across the grounds toward us, and wondered which side of the tree they’d fallen from. I knew some of Olivia’s family had arrived at the chapel just moments before the service had started, but I hadn’t been introduced to anyone.

  When they got closer I recognized him as the man I’d seen talking to Uncle Jason outside the funeral home. I started to ask Olivia about him, but Brother Joe was still trying to get everyone’s attention, so I knew right then wouldn’t be the best time for me to be asking questions.

  John and the woman sat down in the row behind us, the girl sat next to her mother, and since there were no more chairs, the boy stood next to John. Looking back at John, our eyes met for a moment, and I sensed some kind of connection.

  I felt I should know him!

  Brother Joe finally had everyone’s attention, and had started speaking softly to the crowd. “Please bow your heads for a moment of silent prayer.”

  I lowered my head, but I still looked around as much as possible. Glancing at the other family members, they all had their eyes closed. Even Aunt Olivia wasn’t watching me, for once! So, again I looked back at John, just as he looked right at me. Busted!

  Brother Joe began speaking, “We’re gathered here today to lay our sister, Violet, to rest. Ashes to ashes; dust to dust…”

  My thoughts drifted away wondering if John had known my mother. He and Uncle Henry looked similar, but I knew Olivia never had a kid. I’d have to ask Uncle Henry about him. Maybe he was a cousin…

  Ripped out of my thoughts by the iron hand on my arm, Olivia glared at me with her black monster eyes. I hadn’t heard Brother Joe say it, but since everyone had their heads down and eyes closed, I lowered my head, hoping that would be good enough to get me out of the doghouse, for a while.

  I listened to the preacher. “Our Heavenly Father, we send one of Your children who has passed on from this earth to join You, the Creator, in Heaven. Watch over and guide the family and friends gathered here today in their time of grief. Help them to be strong and to know our sister, Violet, is in a much nicer place in Your Kingdom. In Your name, we do pray. Amen.”

  The moment he stopped talking, those who were standing began chatting again. I started to stand, but a strong hand pulled me down, and Olivia snidely whispered, “Sit down, Sarah! Brother Joe shakes hands with the family before we leave.”

  So, I sat and waited as he walked from one family member to the next shaking hands. Most everyone was telling him it had been a nice service, and when he got to me, he smiled and said, “Sarah, if you’d like to talk to m
e later,” he glanced at Olivia, “Let me know.”

  “Thank you, Brother Joe,” Olivia answered, taking his hand. “We’ll bring her to see you if we feel she needs someone to talk to.”

  I thought it might’ve been nice talking to him, but it sounded like that would be strictly up to Olivia. Besides, I wouldn’t want to talk to him with her in the room. I might ask a stupid question. But, without her around I’d be able to relax, and maybe I’d get some of my questions answered—however, I saw no use even thinking about it further since I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

  As we started to leave, John came up and told Uncle Henry he’d see us back at the house in a little while. Walking away, he looked at me, and again, I felt that strange connection. He smiled. I smiled back, thinking, I have to find out who you are—and very soon.

  Driving back to the funeral home, Auntie Bitch and Olivia were lost in thought, and I, as usual, lost in my own world, wondered what life would be like living with my grandparents. I knew I’d have to go to school, which didn’t thrill me.

  With Daddy, it hadn’t been safe to go to school. He was afraid to stay anywhere for very long, and he always looked over his shoulder, scared the police would spot him and pull him over.

  After Mama brought me home, I didn’t have to go to school because it was so close to the end of the school year, and she said we needed time to catch up. That, of course, made me very happy, but we didn’t get to spend much time together because of her drinking.

  Thinking back now, all I could remember was her coming home drunk, and the fighting. Mama and Auntie Bitch screaming at each other, and so damn much fighting.…

  Again, the iron grip on my arm shook me out of my thoughts, telling me I’d been spoken to. At the rate I was going, I’d have bruises all over my arms!

  “Come on, Sarah!” Olivia was saying. “Everyone’s waiting for us at the house.”

  I hadn’t noticed we were back at the funeral home, or that she stood outside the limo waiting for me. “Sorry, Aunt Olivia.”