A Wicked Beginning

by Calinda B

  “Is there any time…now, I mean…that you feel innocent?”

  “Chérie, I honestly don’t remember what innocence feels like. I think I was born old and worn out while my dad was hammering away at my mom to hurry up and get the goddamned baby out for Christ sake.” He watched Chérie sigh. Then little tears formed in her eyes. Shit. “I’m sorry, babe. That’s just what it was like growing up.” He wiped away her tears with his thumbs and looked into her limitless gaze.

  Looking into her eyes was like looking into the universe, all mystery and wonder. He felt like he was falling into space. Then, Goddamn it all to hell, he started to cry, too. His heart felt like it was cracking into bits, held in the vast expanse of Chérie’s being. His mind was flooded with a memory of this little kid, this little boy Cam, never getting a chance to just be a kid. Now he was bawling. These fucking waterworks seemed to be pushing debris out of his system, much like the rapids push leaves, branches, even trees, down the river. Chérie had wrapped her arms around him, and the two of them were fucking crying like two small children. Cam sobbed and heaved like a dying man. Hell, this was going to destroy his image as a tough guy, he thought in the corner of his mind.

  When the water show had eased up, he leaned back, seized his sweatshirt off the blanket and dabbed at Chérie’s eyes before scrubbing his own face. She smiled at him with this beatific glow. “That was different,” he said, smiling back at her.

  “How do you feel now?”

  He thought about it for a moment. “Kind of cleaned out, I guess.”

  “Any innocence in there?”

  He laughed. “You know, there might be a little bit, yeah…”

  “Where do you feel it?”

  “Well, Doc, I seem to feel it right here…” He knocked his chest with his fist.

  “That’s perfect, Cam.”

  “I’d rather feel it right here,” he said cupping his crotch. “And here…” He gestured towards her pelvis.

  “Yeah, but this is where my experiment comes in,” she responded enthusiastically.

  “Lay it on me.”

  “For this to work, you have to have a pure heart, right?”

  “What do you mean by ‘this’?” Cam wiggled his eyebrows up and down.

  Chérie shook her head. “You know what I mean. Now, do you want to try this or not?”

  “Yes, boss.”

  “Okay. So feel that spot in your heart that feels like innocence…or softness…or whatever you want to call it.”

  “Okay, coach, got it.”

  “Now, kiss me.”

  He looked over at her eager face. “That’s easy…” he said, reaching towards her.

  “You have to stay in that super soft vulnerable place in your heart.”

  “Hmm, that might be a twist in the plan.”

  “Try it, Cam.”

  He swallowed. This was going to be harder than it seemed. He’d had a million sexual encounters. Most of them had one goal in mind – getting off. And sure, he’d cared about the women he did it with – some of them at least. Chérie was the only one he’d fallen hook, line, and sinker in love with, however. And he’d only really realized that after they’d split up last year. He swallowed again. He was actually nervous, like a fucking virgin. He realized his foot was shaking back and forth like a flag fluttering in a tornado. Calm down, he urged himself… This is only a kiss. “Okay…okay, babe.” He scooted close to her and cupped the back of her neck. “Okay…” he said again. Then, he laughed. “Damn, Chérie, I feel like I’ve never done this.”

  “You probably haven’t.” She smiled back at him encouragingly. “Keep the focus here, Cam.” She tapped his heart.

  “I may only be able to do this once.”

  “Once is a start,” she encouraged.

  He took a deep breath. Moved cautiously towards her mouth… Lips connected…check…he felt all fluttery inside…weird. A pulse of sensation flooded his heart. Her lips were so soft…so sweet…his cock stirred, but no pulsating evil in his leg. He pulled back and gulped. “What do you think? How’d I do?”

  “That was great, Cam. How do you feel?”

  “Like I’m fucking five-years-old…”

  “That’s wonderful…let’s try it again.”

  “Okay, coach, let me out on the playing field again.” He leaned in for another kiss…began to melt into the intoxicating kiss. Put the tip of his tongue out for a tentative exploration. His cock hardened into pure want… The motherfucker claw marks start to burn. “Shit…” he pulled away.

  “It’s okay, Cam, this is new.”

  “I’ll say…” He paused to catch his breath and ease the stinging in his leg.

  “Up here…keep your attention up here.” Chérie tapped his chest again. “Ready to try again?”

  Cam rubbed his chin with his palm. “Why not…?” Then he thought of something. “Hey, Chér, what do you think of this?” He reached into his pocket and groped around for the small golden cat’s eye which James had given him. Pulling it out, he handed it to Chérie. The greenish-golden orb pulsed with light as Chérie took it in her hand. It was like it knew who she was or something. Cam shook his head. Always something new to wrap his head around, that was for sure.

  “Cam, it’s exquisite. Where did you get it?” Chérie turned it to and fro in front of her face, watching the setting sun light up the translucent streak in the center.

  “James gave it to me today…to, uh…to help me deal with my anger. He said one of his clients got it from some shaman dude in Peru. It’s supposed to bring grounding and forgiveness. I, uh…I thought it reminded me of you.”

  Chérie glanced up at him and gave him a heart melting smile. “That’s beautiful, Cam. Thank you for honoring me so…”

  “Uh, sure…anyway, for this little experiment of yours…how about if I try imagining this…the qualities of this stone in my…in my, uh, heart.” Jesus, he sounded like an idiot saying that. He looked towards the sky for support.

  “That’s a great idea, Cam,” Chérie exclaimed. “Here…I’ll even hold it close to your chest as a reminder.”

  She closed her hand around the small stone and pressed her fist up to his heart. He noticed juicy warmth spreading through his chest. “This isn’t going to turn me into some insipid namby-pamby dude, is it? Like, some weak-ass guy with a limp dick…?” he asked with a snort.

  “No, tough guy, you’ll still keep your hard-ass reputation. You’ll be better, though, because you will learn how to invoke your strong heart.”

  “Alright, then, as long as it improves my reputation, I’m alright with this.” He laughed softly. “This is fucking weird, babe.”

  She gave him an exasperated look. “I’m sure you’ll get over it…especially when you experience how good it feels.”

  “Lay it on me, coach.”

  Again, Chérie put her attention on the small stone in her hand. Cam watched her, mesmerized. She tipped her head upwards and asked, “Ready…?”

  “Ready…” He inclined his head towards her face with a delicious feeling of balminess running through his chest like a tropical waterfall. Like water…he kept repeating in his mind. Like warm, warm water running downstream… His lips touched hers, and he became flooded with new sensations. He was sort of tingly all over, and yes, his cock was getting hard, but it didn’t capture all of his attention. Instead he was noticing all he experienced touching Chérie’s lips and the narcotic sensations coursing through his body. He pulled her closer to deepen the kiss. Man, this felt extreme. So many new sensations… This was like exploring a river run for the first time. You took nothing for granted, did not assume anything. He broke the kiss with a loud lip smacking sound, threw back his head, and laughed. “Fucking awesome, Chér…this is fucking awesome.”

  She studied him, the mysterious stone held loosely in her hand, her hair all mussed and wild. Her eyes were brilliant gold and yellow, and there was even a spark of bluish green in there. It was like looking at a picture of the galaxy h
e had seen from pictures taken by the Hubble telescope of….what was it? Oh, right, it was the Carina Nebula. He laughed again. Looking at her, he had such a feeling of wonder and mystery. And yeah, he felt this…this innocence…there was no other word for it. He felt innocent and grateful to be alive, having this moment with this amazing woman. “I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you, Chérie Abella Manhattan.” He bit his lip. When did he bite his lips for Christ sake? He quickly released the hold his teeth had on the lips. “Okay, I don’t think I can take any more of this right now.” He got to standing and reached out his hand to Chérie.

  She grasped his fingers and gracefully got to her feet. “Baby steps, baby…?”

  He snorted. “Yeah…you could say that.”

  “How was that, Cam…good?”

  “Yeah…I feel kind of shaky, if you can believe. Not a word about this, you got it?” He put a fingertip on her nose and gently tapped it.

  “Got it, hard-ass…” She laughed and pushed his finger away. “One more for the road…?”

  “I don’t know, Chér. It’s a bit much to deal with.”

  “It’s only a kiss, Cam.”

  He grabbed her in a fierce bear hug. “It’s not only anything, hot stuff. That was a Class 5 kiss.” Class 5 rapids were large whitewater waves with continuous rapids, huge rocks, and hazards. Running those kinds of waters took precise maneuvering and skill.

  “Wait until we get to Class 6…”

  “Huh…will the usual description ‘danger to life or limb’ apply? I think I’ll need to train a bit for that one.”

  “Come on…just one kiss…” she coaxed.

  He released his grasp of her, took a deep breath and stood back to observe her beautiful feline face. “Okay…okay…here goes.”

  This time she put her palms on both sides of his cheeks, causing an electric charge kind of sensation to fill his head. He gulped. When she kissed him, he almost buckled in the knees.

  He pulled away. “Oh, no, Chér can’t do it.”

  “Cam…you’re frightened.”

  “Do ya think…?”

  “Just calm down, I won’t hurt you.”

  This simple statement brought tears to his eyes again. What the fuck was wrong with him? He turned away and swiped his eyes. Man up, dude, he commanded his body.

  “Cam, we can’t end this experiment in fear. We’re going to stay here all night if we have to.”

  Chérie stood there with her hands on her hips looking like Wonder Woman. He expected to see a cape flowing out from her shoulders. “Okay, okay, I’ll try again.”

  “Don’t try, just stay present and feel.” She brought the cat’s eye rock back to his chest.

  When had she become so wise? The thought passed through the back of his brain as he allowed himself to surrender to the next kiss. This one was even better than the last. A sensation of pure sweetness poured through his chest, up his neck, down into his groin and legs. It was like he had stuck his whole body into an electric grid and fireworks were shooting from every pore. More, he thought. More…he wanted more of this sensation. His hands started moving of their own volition, exploring the shape of her, the curves and angles, the sinewy muscles from this new place of…of deep, heartfelt love. This was more like a shared communion than a sexual encounter…not that he was through with sexual encounters, mind you. This one just seemed…enriched…or enhanced. He pulled her closer and closer…he couldn’t get her close enough. It was like she was right next to him, but he wanted her inside of him and him inside of her. He was awash in sensation and the feeling of being caught in a whirlpool that he didn’t want to escape…wait, not like a whirlpool, more like a hydraulic, one of those holes in the rapids run where the water cascades over a ledge, rolling back on itself. He’d been stuck in one of those a time or two and they could be hairy to get out of. Only the thing here was…he didn’t want to pull out of this one. And then he noticed that there was no searing pain coming from his thigh. Fucking incredible... All it took was a little…innocence. At last he pulled away from the kiss…if that was what you could call it. He put his palms up. “I surrender…I give.”

  “Still shaky?”

  “A little…but not afraid... I feel more alive than I’ve ever felt right now. How about if we stop here? It was great and all, but I honestly think that’s about all I can take today.”

  Chérie wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. She nuzzled her nose into his neck like a kitten or something. He was going to lose his mind with all this new softness he was experiencing. He hoped to God he did not lose his manliness, he thought soberly.

  “You won’t…” Chérie said.

  “What…?” He looked baffled.

  “You won’t lose your manliness, silly.”

  “How did you know I was thinking that?”

  “I don’t know…I just knew. I guess I’m relearning my abilities just the same way you are relearning your innocence.”

  “Huh…okay, well, that’s just about enough with the surprises, alright?” He gathered up their belongings and looked back at the darkening sky. “Pretty good sunset tonight, don’t you think?”

  “I sure do, Cam,” Chérie replied with a mirthful smile before slipping her hand into his. “Let’s head back to town…while your manhood is still intact.” She gave one of her lyrical laughs.

  “Right…” he said, smiling back at her. “I really love you, babe…in spite of what you do to me,” he added.

  “You love me because of who I am, Cam, not because of what I do or don’t do.”

  “That too...” He laughed again. “I don’t think I’ve laughed this much in quite a while,” he mused.

  “Get used to it, bucko,” Chérie teased. “Feelings are wonderful things to have.”

  “If you say so…”

  “You’ll see…”

  “With you by my side?”

  “Side by side, love. We both have things to learn.”

  Cam was probably happier than he’d ever been in his life right about now. He put his arm around Chérie’s shoulders and pulled her next to him. “Like this…?”

  She laughed and twisted so she was back to back with him. “And like this…” Then she turned so that her other side was pressed against his. “And like this…” Then she rotated until they were full frontal. “And especially like this…”

  Especially like that, Cam thought as he led her back to the car. Especially like that.

  Chapter 16 – Cam

  Mano and Cam had sat down in the kitchen the night before when he’d returned from Chérie’s. When he’d walked in, the guy had whistled, put his palms out towards Cam and commented on the change in Cam’s energetic field. Whatever... All Cam knew was that it was incredible to have connected with Chér that way, and it had also scared the bejesus out of him, big time. It made him feel a little raw…and exposed. Well, he’d just have to learn to deal, right?

  Mano had told him vaguely what to expect tonight…lots of ‘stay open, man’ and ‘be with the spirits, bro’ talk. Blah de blah blah… He said that Cam had to drive up there alone as he had to go up earlier to meet with the elders. He gave Cam directions, gave him some support, wished him well and had walked out of the kitchen to do what, Cam did not know or care. All he knew was that he was about to embark on a “spiritual journey,” whatever the fuck that meant, and he was freaked about that.

  Cam found his peace in the great outdoors. There was nothing else like it. Except for sex with Chérie, of course, but that was different, he thought with a smile. He had never been to a sweat lodge or a spiritual gathering of any kind. Hell, he’d barely been to church. The only time he’d walked through those supposedly hallowed doors were the times his father wanted to resolve his own guilt, drag the family along, and make a good show of how “happy” they were. There was usually not enough makeup or scarves in the world for his mother to mask the abuse, however. Couple that with his dad’s lack of remorse or responsibility for his actions and that meant that Ca
m’s appearances in church could be counted on one hand.

  As Cam climbed in his vehicle, he found that he was edgy, nervous…apprehensive would be a better word. Spirituality in general freaked him out and being a participant in some strange ritual scared the shit out of him. Who knew what, if anything could happen with this star dreamling on his trail? He pulled the pack of smokes out of the glove box for “security.” Drew one out and put it between his lips. Did not bother with the lighter…he didn’t have the will power to play that game right now. He knew he’d lose. Hell, there were even twisters rolling through his gut, and his mouth was dry as a bone on desert sand. Shit. Calm the fuck down.

  It took him a long time to drive to the sweat site. Manoko said this was “part of the journey,” and that he should pay attention to everything that happened to him on his drive. Thank God it was a beautiful day. As he wound up Highway 101 towards the Olympic Peninsula, he feasted his eyes on the snow-covered mountains, the sparkling water, even the crisp blue of the rain washed sky. This was as good as Heaven got for him. Maybe better – there was a wild sense of justice out here in the natural world. No big guy in the sky holding out a tablet of moral codes. Out here you lived by the weather, the tides, your skill, and your awareness. He wished he could share this beauty with Chérie. Thinking of her, he dug around in his front pocket for the cat’s eye. Since last night, he’d decided to adopt it as his lucky talisman. He held it up in front of his eye, squinted at it, and pushed it back into his pocket.

  He had moved the cig to the fingers of his right hand, which was resting on the stick shift, and he tapped the steering wheel with his left hand, in time with the music blasting out of the speakers. He didn’t know what it was – some old rock or metal band was blasting away. It was just loud and obnoxious, that was all that mattered. Then he glanced out the window to see that goddamned heat wave shape tracking the car as it zipped down the road. He could see shimmers of brown and silver coming in and out of focus. Hell, he was going about 65 mph, and that fucker was keeping up with him. Small pricks of fear spread across his scalp. This could be one of those things that Mano said to pay attention to, huh? No one was behind him so he slowed down. The shape slowed down too. He sped up. It sped up. Fast, slow, it did not matter; the thing was tracking him as sure as he was prey. He blew his breath out in a long exhalation.