by Calinda B
He pushed his naked body out of the double bed. He’d decided to stay at his place last night, rather than Chérie’s, since he had a lot of stuff to do in West Seattle to prepare for the Divert program. And really, right now he felt a whole lot of mixed up. Reaching for his pants, he pulled out a stick of gum. What a head case he was becoming.
Taking the gum out of the wrapper, he bit into the wafer-like stick and started chewing. What he really wanted was a cigarette. So much for him and his little breakthrough in the cemetery…he thought he’d made progress, shifting his attention on tobacco from the daily grind to the sacred, but that dream had popped that realization straight out of his head.
He’d gone to bed thinking about the last couple of days. Saying goodbye to his mom; that had felt good. Hearing about Chérie and Fabio; not good…weird, even. Not sure where to put that factoid. But then, he did appreciate that Chér had told him about Fabio. That must’ve been hard to do, like when he’d told her all about Angela. The honesty they’d shared recently had resulted in mind-blowing sex, sex, and more sex, and, well, that was fucking awesome…absolutely fucking awesome. He felt a buzz in his body just thinking about it. But that goddamned dream; that made him want to light up something fierce. He picked up his jeans and pulled them on, then opened the closet and started rummaging around, pushing aside boxes and clothes in desperation. He thought he’d tossed a pack of smokes in here somewhere when he was trying to quit. A few minutes later, frustrated with his search, and pissed off for weakening, he gave up and walked into the kitchen.
Mano was sitting at the table drinking coffee, Severe by his side. “Hey, Cam, help yourself to some java.” Severe lifted her head and wagged her tail in greeting.
“Thanks, man, I could use a cup.” He reached in the cupboard, pulled out one of those over-sized Starbucks mugs, and poured himself a generous dose of joe. Then he grabbed a bowl, poured some cereal into it, doused it with milk, and sat down opposite Mano. “What’s going on, Mano?” he said congenially.
“Not much, just easing into my day. How about you – what’s going on with you?”
“Things are going, that’s for sure. Got a whole lot of mixed up in my head, that’s for certain.”
“Yeah, what about?”
“Oh, you know, all the changes.” Cam chewed a spoonful of Raisin Bran. “Falling in love with the ka’kriyayaga, formerly known as Cheerio, dealing with the star dreamling, this new career program…little things like that.” Cam made a grimace. “Then there are these fucking outlandish dreams I keep having. You know how I feel about dreams and shit like that, right?”
“I do indeed, bro,” Mano said, raising his cup to his lips. “No need to remind me. I’ve known you a long time. Sometimes I think you tell me that so much because you need to keep reminding yourself. You know, to keep your world in order.” He picked up a spoon and added more sugar out of the sugar bowl to the steaming hot liquid.
Cam flicked his gaze over to Mano with a tight-lipped grimace, but did not say anything. He took a sip of his coffee. “Well, these are nightmares, straight out of the hell realm. There are all these black, gooey bat-like things after me, and there’s always a woman chasing me. I’m always running like I’m on fire, and I wake up every time when the woman grabs me and tries to, uh…” Cam’s sentence drifted off and he looked out the kitchen window that faced the quiet street.
“Yeah, I get it,” Mano said. He took another sip. “No need to elaborate.” He picked up the small white pitcher and poured cream into his coffee. “The black bats sound like the ta-ak’tiyani – they’re heart eaters who prey on human insecurities and weakness. I’ve studied them a bit. You’ve had some rough times. Maybe you’re insecure about something. What do you think it means?”
“Hell if I know,” Cam answered before taking another bite of cereal. “And ta-ak’tiyani, huh? Those are the things Chér said were chasing her last year. I thought she was making it up.”
The two men sat in thoughtful silence. Mano tugged at his long braid. “Didn’t you have a woman stalking you a while back?” he asked.
“Yeah, it was Angela - that woman from the High Road.”
“Maybe it’s her. Maybe she’s still stalking you. There are some people who can really mess with your head and get to you in more ways than the physical.”
Cam felt a chill crawl up his neck. “I sure don’t need anything else to deal with right now, but you could be right about that. Chér said she ran into Angela the other day, and Angela gave her all sorts of grief, like Chér and I were not going to make it, she’d be in touch, and shit like that. Chér said she looked pretty obsessed.” He paused, thinking. “I don’t know which is worse – her or that dreamling thing.”
“Can you see her face in the dream?” Mano asked.
“Nah, can’t make anything out except long, pink fingernails.”
“Did Angela have long, pink fingernails?”
Cam thought a moment, remembering Angela’s sharp nails raking his back and chest. “Yeah, man, I think she did.” He made a sour face. “She told me once that she used a nail color called ‘Addict.’ She sure got that one right.”
“I’d be careful, bro,” Mano uttered. “You’re opening up to energetic forces that are not familiar to you. There’s dark out there, as well as light.”
“Huh,” was all that Cam said, draining his coffee cup. He stood up and put his empty bowl and spoon into the dishwasher and poured himself another cup of coffee. When he sat back down, he asked Mano, “Speaking of stalking, any more ideas about tracking that dreamling?”
“Yeah, I was going to talk to you about that. I met with Charley Wolf-Rider and some other elders. They gave me some insight. We’re going to do this ritual after you get back from Hurricane Ridge. It’s going to be Charley, you, me, and Lightning Rod. We might include someone else. I haven’t figured out whom, yet.” He gazed down at his dog. “And Severe will be there.” Severe raised her head and thumped her tail in acknowledgement before settling back down into her snooze.
“Really? Lightning Rod?” Cam said. “Did you know he’s going up to the camp with me? He told me his mother got him an internship with the program.”
“That’s great. He’s a good kid. He’s got something special inside.” Mano got up and stretched. He walked over, poured himself another cup of coffee, and leaned against the counter. “Oh – before I forget, Jayze came over the other day. You know how she’s sculpting the dreamling?”
“She said she’s sculpting a huge lynx…how do we know it’s the dreamling?”
“Oh, it is, brother. I have no doubt. She told me she was sitting in her studio, contemplating the sculpture and Marilyn came in all snarky and mean – typical Marilyn behavior. Jayze said the sculpture looked at her and conveyed that she stand up for herself. So she did. She said Marilyn got all huffy and stomped away. I say, let her stomp herself somewhere else, away from Jayze. But it’s a start.”
Cam scoffed. “So now the star dreamling is like a wizard or a guru? Get a grip, Mano. How do you know Jayze didn’t come to that realization by herself? From what you’ve told me, it doesn’t take a mythical creature to get that Marilyn is no great catch.”
“That’s true,” Mano replied, folding his arms. “But Jayze told me the sculpture’s eyes became alive. Jayze is creative, but she’s not prone to making things up in that way. She’s got her head screwed on right in most areas of her life – maybe not with relationships, but in other ways for sure.”
“I don’t know, man,” Cam said, scratching his head. “That seems like a stretch for me. That a sculpture could come alive is kind of Twilight Zone, don’t you think?”
Mano chuckled. “Like making love with the ka’kriyayaga, having a star dreamling slash your leg with energetic claws, being attacked by the dreamling in other ways - that isn’t Twilight Zone material?”
Cam snorted. “Yeah, okay, I hear that.”
“How are the rips on your leg and your back by the way?” Mano asked.
“I don’t know…just there, I guess. Since I’ve learned how to engage with Chér using my ‘innocent heart’…” He gave Mano a pointed look and then rolled his eyes. “Since then I don’t feel them much. Chérie said they make me look ‘rugged.’ Women and their romantic fantasies…” He shook his head.
“Speaking of Chérie,” Mano began, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, all that play you and the ka have been doing – you might want to watch yourself when you go back out into the world.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I haven’t seen you for a few days so I assume you’ve been hanging with the ka, making the beast with two backs. At least, that’s what I’d be doing if I had the ka’kriyayaga as a lover.” He grinned at Cam.
Cam exhaled sharply and looked away.
“And have you interacted with the world a lot in that time?”
“Not really. We’ve been indoors a lot,” Cam replied with a scowl, slightly miffed at having his personal life pried into. “Why?”
“Because your energy is intense, man, that’s why. I could sense you when you drove up last night. We talked about that – how engaging with the ka increases your energy field. People are going to respond to you in all sorts of ways until you figure out how to master your energies.”
Cam frowned. “Your point?”
“Just watch yourself, that’s all.” Mano laughed and put his cup in the dishwasher. “You’re going to have to figure out how to master yourself or you’ll have a crowd of people around you like glue.”
Cam’s eyes widened. Then, with sarcasm, he responded. “What are you saying? That I have some magnetic charm? Why isn’t it working on you, Mano? Are you immune to my powers? Come here big boy and give me a kiss.” He batted his eyelashes at Manoko and held out his arms.
Mano chuckled. “Because I’m a hetero guy, that’s why. But I can tell you, if I wasn’t confident with myself, I might feel incredibly insecure around you and try to pick a fight.”
“You’ve got some strange ideas, Mano.” Cam stretched out his legs, clasped his hands behind his head, leaned back in his chair and thought for a moment. “Except for that dream hanging over my head, I do feel pretty good right now, though. You may have a point. Look out woman-kind!” He snickered. “I think I’ve got better things to think about, though, don’t you? And besides, Chérie has worked her way in here pretty deep. I sure don’t want to fuck that up like I did last time.”
“That’s good, man. Just stay true to your heart, and you’ll be fine.”
“So, how do you know so much about this if you’ve never been with the ka and only knew about it through your mythology?”
“Long story, Cam… Let’s just say I’ve had my dance with personal power, sexuality, and charm, and it was brutal. Why do you think I haven’t been with a woman in a while?”
“I don’t know, I never really thought about it. I figure your life is your life. Do you want to give me a clue, here, or should I carry on with my day?”
Mano appeared thoughtful. He came over and sat next to Cam. “I’ve been working the rituals with my community since I was 14. You know, deep in the woods kinds of things.”
“Yeah, you’ve hinted at this a time or two over the years. I have no idea what you do out there, but anyway…”
“I told you I’ve been training to become a Spirit Tracker, right?”
“Right…”
“That has involved a lot of profound work on the inside and the out. And like I said, it’s not something you talk about. I never even knew if I’d get to do the work…the spirit tracking, I mean. If you’re called to do it, you train for it and just remain open to a time when your abilities might be used. Some people train for it all their lives and never get to use the skills. There’s no need. But they’re ready, any time, any place. And then, when a breach in the galaxy happens and something like a star dreamling gets into our reality, that’s when the Spirit Trackers are called to action. It’s something we hand down from generation to generation to keep the planet safe. Anyway, part of the training involved cultivating one’s sexual energy. Our way teaches how to use sex, intimacy, and relationships as medicine, as well as how to reach higher levels of orgasm and sexual ecstasy.”
“Huh, I never heard of that.”
“Most people haven’t. It’s just out there when you’re ready.” Mano tugged on his silk twined braid. He trained his dark brown eyes on Cam’s baby blues. “Guess you must be ready. Anyway, so I was to do this initiation ritual with Natalie Epic.”
Cam sat up with a start. “That old fire-haired woman?” he spluttered.
“One and the same, bro. I was supposed to do a one night initiation, only it turned into a couple of weeks.” Mano chuckled softly. “I guess Natalie liked what I had to offer. She likes a big man.”
“She’s old, man, way old.” Cam sneered in disgust. “I mean, I get that she’s wise and all, but I can’t imagine getting naked with her.” He shuddered at the thought.
“Yeah, well, she’s got something more than meets the eye. She transforms into a dragon-like being when she sexes you, and the last thing on your mind are her age and wrinkles. You just try to stay alive and enjoy the ride while she instructs.” Mano drifted off into a memory. “So I spend two weeks with her in ‘initiation.’ And when I come out of that, I feel like a king, like all powerful. And I notice that the ladies are checking me out, wherever I go. I must’ve missed the talk on arrogance and respect, though. I got busy with the ladies, sure as shit. I thought I had all this sexual knowing, and it was my job…my mission…to impart it to the female population. I’d love ‘em and leave ‘em, though, when I got bored - not that some of them cared,” Mano said, as an afterthought. “For some, it was mutual lust. But the ones that did care had all these expectations of love ever after. And they got pissed and hurt. I didn’t care. I believed I’d given them what I’d promised and nothing more. They thought I had given them a key to commitment.”
Cam said, “Yeah, I know that one. And I remember when you were in the dial-a-girl phase. But then I moved in with Chérie and didn’t stay in touch.”
Mano and Cam nodded at one another. “Then the last girl I dated…I fell for her, hard. Sort of like you and Chérie.” He gave Cam a steel-edged stare. Cam swallowed and looked away. “But my eye kept wandering…not just my eye, if you catch my drift. The last time I did it…the last time I drifted…the woman – Carina – Carina broke my heart. She gave me one more chance to make it work with her. I thought she was chaining me in, like a stallion in the stall. I thought I was too good for that. So, she left me. Broke my heart, man, broke my heart.” Mano stared off into the corner of the room. “Then Natalie appeared out of nowhere one day – she’s crazy that way. She just appeared and told me to cut off all my hair except for this one long strand; to braid the strand with red silk and to not untie the braid until I could have sex with love and respect for the woman I love.” He held up the braid and let it fall. “And it has to be mutual respect, not just a one way street. Hence, celibacy it is until I find that woman.”
Cam nodded. “Yeah, that’s what I think I learned last year. By going out with Angela, I both awakened my need for sexual intensity and proved to myself that a good woman deserves respect and integrity. What I did was way fucked up, just running away from Chér back to the land of addiction. And, man, I thought I’d lost Chérie for good. Talk about a broken heart!”
“But now you’ve got her back,” Mano said.
“Yes and no,” Cam replied, frowning.
“What do you mean by that?”
“She told me that Fabio returned.”
Mano burst out laughing. “You don’t like the ka’kriyayago, do you, bro?”
“Hell, no. Not in a million years. Especially not now. Chér told me that he lives in her heart and that he’s always with her even when we engage.” He scoffed. “That just seems too much like a fucking three-way for my taste.” He folded his arms and thrust his hands unde
r his arm pits. “I just don’t fucking understand. Besides, I thought I’d get her all to myself, not have to share her.”
Mano reached out a hand and put it on Cam’s shoulder. He placed his other hand over Cam’s heart. “You’ll have to find the answer here, bro. The ka is not one of us.” He moved his hands back onto the table. “The ka is like, well, she’s like the energy of all existence. Your Chérie hasn’t begun to realize her powers, I guarantee that. When she does, you won’t recognize her. None of us will be able to comprehend her.”
This gave Cam a little stab in his heart like tiny men with pitchforks poking his chest. “What do you mean by that?”
“Most spiritualties have a myth that goes something like this: An ordinary human looks into the eyes of a deity and sees the All That Is before him. He sees the cosmos being born, the destruction of the galaxy, life, death, and all manner of existence reeling before him in a flash of breathtaking, mind-fucking brilliance. For a moment, he is transfixed, he is there with all that brilliance, at peace with it. But his mind, his small little mind that deals with the daily grind, paying bills, crawling around the planet like a rat, can’t comprehend what he sees. He goes mad and ends up in a loony bin; he becomes some kind of savior or guru; or he goes into denial and erases the memory from his mind. I imagine that it may be like that when she assumes her full power – when you behold her in her magnificence.”
Cam felt a sulk coming on, as if he were a small child. “What if I want to be with her for the rest of our lives?”
“That’s just it, Cam. The ka is…she just is…she doesn’t have a life like you and me. She assumes human form, experiences a human lifetime to learn and to experience, but then goes back from whence she came. And she always co-exists with her ka’kriyayago, her other half. One cannot exist without the other. If Kayden were to disappear, Chérie would disappear. Similarly, if they were to physically consummate with one another, they’d disappear as well. Poof! Hence the ka’kriyayago allows the female half – that’s Chérie – to commune with a worthy individual. It’s his ongoing gift to her and to him because in that way he gets to experience her fully the way a human would.”