Journey From the Summit

by Lorraine Ereira

  It wasn’t just the right thing to do; it was an essential part of my destiny.

  He was thrilled that I had called.

  “Flossie! I’m so happy to hear from you! I didn’t know how to find you, when you didn’t give me a number!”

  “Sally gave me yours,” I said shyly.

  “When can I see you?” He asked.

  “I’m not sure, the weekend maybe?” I didn’t want to seem too eager, especially as I had called him.

  “What you doing tonight?” he laughed.

  “Er…well, nothing really.”

  “Great! Come over! I haven’t got much money, but I’ll pay for a cab to come and get you. Come and have tea with me!”

  It was an unusual date, but it made me like him even more.

  The cab dropped me at the address he had given me, and I stood nervously on his doorstep. What was I doing? I had called him and now I was waiting hopefully on his doorstep! Wasn’t this throwing myself at him? Yes I had had the odd one night stand but not with anyone who I really felt something for. I cared about what he thought of me, and didn’t want him to think I was just an easy lay.

  He opened the door and smiled his warm sunny smile that instantly burned away my clouds of doubt. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his front room.

  “Hey, you came!” he said, as if he really believed I might not.

  “Come and sit down, I’ll put the kettle on!”

  I looked around the room, and felt as if I was in some sort of waiting room. It was a lounge, of sorts, with sanded down floorboards and an imitation log fire. In the centre of the room were two red striped deck chairs. Across one wall was a large vivarium, with rocks and a large log inside it. I peered in from a slight distance to see the leathery body of a large snake arranged in coils inside the tank. I stepped away, feeling a little dazed at the realization of what resided in there.

  “So you’ve met Eric?” Saul said as he walked back in with a tea tray.

  “I hope you don’t mind snakes – he is harmless.”

  “No, I don’t really, I guess I just wasn’t expecting to meet one today!” I laughed.

  “Have a seat,” Saul gestured to one of the deckchairs.

  “I hope you don’t mind earl grey, but that’s all we have I’m afraid! We’re all out of normal tea!”

  I smiled. He was so different from anyone I’d ever met before. He was gentle and earnest. He wasn’t trying to impress me, or flatter me with insincere charm. He made me feel warm and relaxed, as if I’d known him forever.

  As we sat sipping tea and chatting affably, a gorgeous little Jack Russell bounded excitedly into the room. He rushed up to Saul, wanting his affections, and then wagging his tail non-stop came to check me out.

  Saul laughed as he rubbed the little chap’s wiggling body.

  “Floss, I would like you to meet Bob. He’s one of my best mates, aren’t you Bob?” he said to the little dog.

  Bob could not decide whom to give his attention to, as he rushed from Saul to me and back again in excited circles.

  “Bob!” came a stern voice as a tall man walked into the room.

  “Hey Steve!” said Saul looking up, “this is Flossie, Flossie, this is Steve, owner of Bob, Eric and the house!” smiled Saul.

  Steve glanced at me and grunted, “Alright?”

  “Yeah, hi Steve, nice to meet you,” I said, feeling a distinct change in the previously easy atmosphere.

  “Wanna sit down mate?” asked Saul getting out of his chair.

  “It’s okay,” I intervened, feeling unwelcome in Steve’s presence, “I’m actually happier sitting on the floor.”

  Steve rudely plonked himself down in the chair I had vacated, next to Saul, without so much as a thank-you. He sat and petted Bob, who had instantly gone to sit at his master’s feet, and said nothing.

  I looked at Steve covertly, trying to see behind his brooding manner. He was attractive in a very macho, arrogant way. His muscular frame and conceited manner seemed to dominate the room.

  Saul made idle chitchat with Steve, who gave one word answers, making it increasingly clear with every passing moment that he was not happy in my company.

  After a while Saul said, “Shall I walk you home Floss?”

  My flat was almost an hour’s walk away, right across the other side of town.

  “Oh no! Don’t worry Saul! If I could just use the phone I’ll get a cab! It’s a long walk!”

  Saul jumped up and grabbed his jacket, “No! I want to walk you home. It’s a nice evening and I would really like to.”

  I smiled, relieved to have the opportunity to be alone with Saul again, and not have to endure the intrusive presence of Steve.

  As soon as we stepped out into the warm night air, Saul took my hand, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I felt a pleasing tingle as my fingers entwined with his. We chatted non-stop all the way back to my flat, finding that we clicked in a myriad of different ways; subtleties in the way we thought, the nuances of our humour, the things we liked and disliked too. All too soon our moonlit stroll came to an end.

  We stood outside my flat and as I turned to him, our lips came together without hesitation from either of us.

  His lips were warm and soft and I felt myself melt into him like butter on fresh baked bread. My skin tingled and I felt the powerful contraction of naked desire in the very deepest part of me. The control I had over myself had finally left me forever. He said goodnight and turned to walk back. As much as I longed to continue exploring our physical connection, I felt honoured that he hadn’t expected it after walking me all the way home.

  I floated into my flat feeling like I was on a magic carpet. I had just visited the kingdom of paradise, and I didn’t think I was ever coming back. My heart was singing with happiness and I thought I might burst.

  We saw each other every day, absorbing each other like sponges. Either I would go to his house straight from work and just spend time with him, often in his room where we could be alone, or he would cycle over to my flat, and we would talk, laugh, kiss and cuddle all evening.

  Slowly I got to know some of the reasons that made him so appealing to me. He had grown up with his mum, dad and slightly older brother, living around Guildford for most of his life, and worked as a carpenter. But he had spent some of his childhood in Kenya, lending his accent a softness that set him apart and giving him a broader view of the world we lived in. He was quietly intelligent, mischievously humorous, but with a humbling lack of self-confidence that made him modest and unobtrusive. Despite this, though, he made me feel safe and protected; shielded by the strength of the love I could feel he had for me.

  I was almost afraid to make love to him, fearing that I would lose all sense of rationality. Saul, however, had no such reservations, and one night after a party he surprised me, showing me a self-assured side to him that made me laugh out loud at the sheer boldness of it! I walked back into my bedroom after visiting the bathroom to find him laying naked on my bed, grinning like the Cheshire cat about to feast on a potful of cream made just for him.

  The connection between us was more powerful than I could even imagine, and we saw each other as much as we possibly could. Our friends would joke that we couldn’t leave each other alone, that when we were together, no-one else in the room mattered, they were wallpaper, a background to us. The magnetism between us was electric. We spent all our time physically connecting – holding hands, kissing, making love, and when we couldn’t physically unite we thought of nothing but each other. It was as if we had waited our whole lives for this. We were born to be together, and nothing else mattered. It was all-consuming: my heart, my body, and my mind all on fire, all existing for him only.

  Chapter Three

  Then one day Saul dropped a bombshell… he had a trip planned, with his other best friend – a guy called Adam, whom I hadn’t met – not a holiday, but a trip to travel the world. They were due to leave in mid-October. That was just three months away! They had
it booked and paid for long before we met, long before we even knew that the other existed. I felt the tear in my heart like the sting of a hot knife causing a sickening pain. I was going to be separated from the only person who I wanted to be with, and because I loved him, I could not, would not stand in his way. So I put on a mask, pasted on a smile and told him it would be amazing, the chance of a lifetime, and inside I wanted to die. How could any relationship last months of being apart? We had known each other a matter of weeks, he would meet someone else, and I would be someone he had had fun with, nothing more. I couldn’t bear it. The elation I had been living in since meeting him was now coloured with the red-hot agony of knowing that I would have to say goodbye, quite possibly for ever. I had allowed myself to open my heart, let him walk in and become the meaning of my life, and now he was going to walk right back out again taking the very definition of me with him!

  How could I bear to let this happen? I knew I had to try and walk away, before I fell more in love with him. I had built up my defences before; surely I could do it again? I knew it was going to be the hardest thing in the world, but I couldn’t let my heart go through the pain of falling deeper in love only to be broken beyond my worst nightmare!

  I called Sal, and asked her to meet me for a drink after work.

  “But that’s crazy Floss!” she exclaimed after I had explained my intention.

  “You are so happy with him. In all the years I’ve known you, and the stupid relationships I’ve watched you go through, this is the happiest I’ve ever seen you!! You cannot do this, you know, you are kidding yourself!!”

  “But Sal, if I don’t, I will be devastated!! I can’t bear the thought of him leaving me and going off to some exotic country to meet someone else!! I mean, he’s bound to!! All that sun and sea, and those beach parties – there will be tons of hot girls falling all over him. I will be a distant memory!!”

  “You’re not being fair to him Flossie. Maybe what he feels for you runs deeper than that – you’re not even giving him a chance!!”

  “I just can’t spend all those weeks, months not knowing if he will come back to me or not. It will kill me. I have to stop this before it’s too late!”

  Sal looked at me intently. “You know that’s it’s already way too late!”

  I went home and stood under a hot shower, allowing the scalding water to make my skin burn. I knew it was going to be hard to try and walk away from the only man I’d ever really loved; it was going to hurt like hell – but surely I was saving myself in the long run?

  I arrived at Saul’s earlier than planned. He answered the door with a towel around his hips, droplets of water still on his bare chest. All I wanted to do was to step into his arms, wind my fingers into his damp hair and kiss him, but I made myself step around him, averting my eyes from his, trying to strengthen my resolve.

  “Floss!” he smiled his beautiful smile at me. “Come in and make yourself at home – I’m almost ready.”

  I had made two mugs of tea when he came back into the kitchen, dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt – looking so handsome it made my heart physically hurt, thinking of what I was going to say.

  “You’ve made tea,” he said stepping towards me. “I thought we were going out?”

  “I want to talk to you Saul,” I said quietly.

  He tilted my chin up to force me to look at him. “What’s wrong Floss?” his dark eyes were full of concern.

  “Saul, I-I can’t see you anymore. I’m sorry. This isn’t working out.”

  He said nothing. He just looked at me, as if he was trying to understand what I was saying, as if I’d spoken in a foreign tongue. His hand dropped away from my face, but his eyes continued to search mine.

  “I just don’t think we are right together,” I said shrugging my shoulders. I couldn’t look at him. He looked so hurt and this was so far from the truth that either he would think I was crazy or that he had me all wrong – either way I couldn’t bear it.

  Finally he spoke, “We are still getting to know each other Flossie – why don’t we give it a proper chance?” he said softly, trying to reason with my irrational decision.

  “No, Saul, I can’t. This isn’t what I want,” I said, my voice cracking with emotion, threatening to give me away.

  I had to get out of there. If I didn’t leave now I would crumble under the strain of my deceit. I couldn’t look into his beautiful eyes and lie about my feelings any longer. Without touching my tea, I picked up my bag from the kitchen counter. “I’m sorry Saul, I have to go,” I said, turning away from him and heading quickly to the door.

  I stepped outside, praying he would follow me. I wanted so much for him to come after me, beg me not to go, and for us to fall into each other’s arms – but I knew he wouldn’t. I knew he respected my decision, took me at my word, and was going to give me the space to do what I thought was the right thing.

  I walked home, with tears streaming down my face, not caring what passers-by thought of the girl with mascara running down her cheeks, and her heart in a million pieces.

  Finally I arrived home. I was cold and tired and my body ached with physical pain as though I’d been beaten.

  Maddie opened the door before I had a chance to get my key out.

  “Flossie! What’s wrong?” she said taking in my dishevelled appearance. I fell into her arms sobbing, telling her what I’d done.

  Taking my hand she led me into the living room, and poured me a large glass of wine. I sat sipping it slowly, allowing the alcohol to seep into my body, taking the edge off the pain. I hadn’t even noticed until then that Maddie had company. There were two guys in the living room with her, and they were obviously having a little party.

  “Floss, what you need is a few drinks, and someone to take your mind off Saul,” Maddie said gently, smiling at me. “This is Jack – I think you may have met him before – he’s a good friend of mine.”

  I looked up as Jack slid onto the sofa next to me, draping an arm around my shoulders. He smelt of slightly stale sweat mingled with alcohol. I moved away from him, revolted by both the idea and his proximity.

  “What I need,” I said addressing Maddie and ignoring Jack, “is to be left alone!”

  I stood up and almost tripped over trying to leave the room. I shut myself in my bedroom, listening to the distorted giggling from the living room. If I had a phone I could call Sal, at least I could talk to her. I curled up on my bed fully clothed and cried into my pillow. Emotionally exhausted I eventually fell asleep.

  The next day I went to work and ignored Maddie. She knew that she had offended me, so did the right thing in keeping out of my way. I didn’t feel like forgiving her, even if she had had good intentions at the root of her sordid suggestion. Fortunately, I could shut myself in the office and get on with my work without having to talk to anyone. I didn’t even answer the phone – letting other staff members deal with the calls. However, when my intercom buzzed, I couldn’t ignore it – it could well be my boss, needing to speak to me.

  However, it wasn’t. It was Maddie, “Floss?”

  “What?” I snapped.

  “There’s a call for you – I think you might want to take it. It’s Saul.”

  I hesitated. He was the only person in the world I wanted to talk to right now, but I was scared. Scared of what he might say, of what I might say. Would he just be phoning to tell me I was right, that he agreed and was glad I had said it because he felt the same? If I dared to hope he was calling to ask me to change my mind, did I have the strength to carry on with my pretence? Maybe I shouldn’t take the call – then I wouldn’t have to deal with it – but I couldn’t resist, I had to know, I had to hear his voice. I knew it would be like a soothing balm to my hurting heart. I pressed the flashing line to accept the call.

  “Hello?” I said allowing him to take the lead.

  “Floss! How are you?” he said cheerfully as if he was calling just for a friendly chat.

  “I’m okay,” I lied, “just busy w
orking.”

  “Oh sorry, I won’t keep you. I was just wondering if you were coming over this evening, or shall I come to yours?” he said lightly. I could hear the smile in his voice.

  For a moment, I wondered if I had dreamt last night, and none of it had actually happened.

  “Coming over?” I asked willing him to explain what he thought had happened.

  “Yes, you do want to see me don’t you?” for the first time I thought I heard a shadow of doubt creep into his voice, but at the same time he managed to make it sound as though he was teasing me!

  “ Saul, did you listen to any part of what I said last night?”

  “Yes, of course I did, Flossie, but I know you didn’t mean any of it. Like I said, we are still getting to know each other, and I’m enjoying that, and I’m pretty sure you are too!”

  I laughed, then. I couldn’t help it. He was so unpredictably lovely. He wasn’t going to try and get me to change my mind, he was just going to tell me what was really in my mind, and get me to admit it!

  “But Saul…” I started.

  “I will come to yours,” he interrupted, “about 8?”

  “Okay” I sighed. He wasn’t going to give up, and I loved him all the more for it. I would have to try and talk to him tonight.

  I spent the rest of the day feeling much less miserable, but not really knowing what exactly I was going to do.

  Luckily Maddie made herself scarce that evening. She knew she had upset me, and this was her way of giving me the space I needed to sort things out.

  Saul arrived at 8pm on the dot. I opened the door and he swept me into his arms and kissed me tenderly. Eventually he broke away and grinned at me, as if to illustrate that he was right.

  I poured some wine into two tumblers and carried them into the living room, and sat down next to him on the sofa.

  “I don’t want to get hurt, Saul.” I began.

  “So it’s not that you don’t think we are right together then?” he said wickedly.

  “No,” I said staring at my hands, “I just have strong feelings for you already and I don’t want to end up being broken-hearted when you go away.” I said finally, baring my soul.