Bittersweet Always

by Ella Fields

  Ugh. No. No matter what, whether we were together or not, it still hurt like a motherfucking baseball had lodged itself in my chest.

  I ought to string him up by the balls and let him hang upside down for all eternity.

  Scoffing, I muttered to the napkin stack, “Didn’t get that far. Just far enough to make me want to puke all day.”

  The door opened, and I sighed before righting myself and plastering a smile on. “Hi—ya, no. We don’t serve crazy here.”

  “That’s funny, could’ve sworn your boyfriend had been in here once or twice before. Or is he your ex, now?”

  She didn’t.

  Nope, she fucking well did.

  Alexis flipped her dark hair over her shoulder, scanning the rows of vividly colored ice cream before saying, “Sorry, that was probably too harsh.” Her sigh was worse than the one I’d let loose a minute earlier. “I heard about his epic meltdown, though. And well, you’ve flipped me the bird one too many times, so I couldn’t resist.”

  Raising my hand slowly, I gave her the old bird again, which only made her laugh. “Cool, you still don’t like me. But I just want a shake. I’m sick of having to avoid this place.”

  “And I wanted my friend’s heart not to be broken by you. Twice. Oops, still happened. Guess who helped her pick up the pieces both times? Me.”

  “Finished?”

  I drummed my chipped nails over the counter. “Not nearly. Tearing up someone’s art? What kind of she-monster are you?”

  Oh, yeah. Before Quinn and Daisy finally reunited over Thanksgiving, this piece of work trashed our dorm room. Well, Daisy’s side of it. Granted, she’d just found out Quinn, her boyfriend at the time, had slept with Daisy, but still. I failed to have any sympathy for her, not when she was the one who sank her hooks into something that wasn’t hers in the first place.

  “She-monster? Really?” A perfect brow went up.

  Lifting a shoulder, I said, “If the shoe fits.”

  “He was my boyfriend,” she said slowly as if I were short a few brain cells and couldn’t quite comprehend.

  I gave her the same treatment. “He was hers first.”

  We both stopped; laughter bubbled up my throat, until finally, I couldn’t keep it contained any longer, and it burst free. The stupid drama with her, Daisy and Quinn, Toby’s return, and the thrashing of my heart—I felt like I was having a moment of insanity.

  Alexis was laughing too as I doubled over the counter and swiped tears from my eyes. “Well, that escalated quickly.”

  “Tell me about it. Cookie dough, low-fat milk, please.”

  With a small amount of reluctance, I made her shake and took her money. Before she left, she glanced over her shoulder, standing by the door. “For the record, Daisy was my friend, and I loved them both.” I merely blinked, suddenly too exhausted for words. “But just like her, I guess I loved him more.”

  She left, and I felt like a deflated balloon. So I probably took out some of my own inner turmoil on Alexis just now, but she had hurt my friend badly. One couldn’t forgive crimes of that magnitude too easily.

  Tim appeared, and I winced, wondering if he’d heard any of that.

  “If you’re going to keep scaring away the customers, perhaps you should work, um, how do I say this, out of sight?” He gestured to the doorway that led to the small hall where the staffroom, office, and storeroom was. “Back there.”

  He was smiling, always good natured. I still felt bad, though. “Sorry.”

  Shaking his head, he said, “Get some ice cream and cool off.”

  He cleaned out some of the cupboards, taking stock of what we needed while I rinsed some empty tubs.

  The rest of the afternoon dragged, and I busied myself with more cleaning before making myself a drink, then dug out the word search book I kept hidden under the cash register.

  Tim was in his office again, and I was coloring the word look, half asleep, when a finger landed on the page. “Happenstance.”

  That baseball climbed up into my throat as I slowly lifted my head, the pencil falling from my hand. Toby picked it up, turning the book and coloring the word before resting it over the cover. “Beautiful.”

  “Go away.”

  “Not a chance.” His smirk made me want to slap him. “See, this is the one place you can’t kick me out of. Well, you could leave, of course. But that would cost you.”

  “It’d cost me less than having to spend time with you would,” I volleyed back.

  He slapped a hand down on the counter, making my eyes pop. “Ah-ha! There it is.” Then he was rounding the counter. “You care about me … a lot. You possibly even love me.”

  I stepped away from him. “Employees only back here, asshole.”

  He didn’t stop, taking measured, slow steps toward me with a glint in his eye, and soon, I was plastered against the wall. Thankfully, he stayed a few feet away, still staring at me with that all-knowing smug look of his. “On New Year’s Eve, I went to a party with a friend of mine from high school.”

  “Shut up, I don’t want to hear it.”

  “… didn’t want to, but thought fuck it, why not? Nothing else to do but mope around hating life and feeling sorry for myself.”

  “Toby,” I hissed quietly.

  “… she was blonde, fucking gorgeous, and all. Over. Me.”

  My nostrils flared, my fingernails literally itching to scratch him until I drew blood.

  He watched, delight clear and bright dancing in his gaze. “I followed her into a room at the end of a long hallway. The music was pounding, and I had a headache. I’d smoked a few joints and drank way too many beers, but I knew what I was doing to a certain extent. She took her clothes off, sat on my lap, and attacked my mouth like a wild dog that hadn’t eaten in weeks.”

  Tears sprang to my eyes. What in the ever-loving hell was he playing at?

  “But when she unzipped my pants and stared up at me with unfamiliar brown eyes, some of the fog cleared, and I remembered. Remembered that nothing, not even that, would feel the same without you, and then, well, I did my pants back up.”

  Relief invaded my bloodstream, a cool and icy reprieve from the molten lava that’d been ready to explode throughout my entire body just moments beforehand.

  I reached over and grabbed my milkshake, taking a long sip to try to calm down. “You’re still an asshole,” I mumbled around the straw, wondering if I should throw the remainder of it at him. In the end, I chose not to waste it.

  “I’ll never disagree with that,” he said, stepping closer. “But even when I wasn’t with you, it still felt like a betrayal. All kinds of wrong. And I didn’t realize why until then.”

  I lowered the shake, not sure what he expected me to do or say. I knew he wasn’t himself; I knew he didn’t cheat on me. We weren’t together. But no matter the size of the betrayal, it was still just that. And I was starting to wonder if what we’d had was even worth it.

  “It gets loud, inside my head. But when you’re around, it’s a little quieter. More bearable.” He scratched at his brow. “I guess, what I’m doing a shit job of trying to say, is that I love you.”

  I blinked. “What?”

  With laughter lighting up his face, he dropped the most explosive of all bombs. “I’m in love with you.”

  The milkshake fell from my hands to the floor, disbelief carrying my words on a harsh exhale. “Shut the fuck up.”

  His head fell back with a loud roar of laughter, and then he was gathering me into his arms. He didn’t kiss me, just held me tightly, his hand diving into my hair to hold my head to his chest. “I’m sorry. Don’t think for one minute that any of the bullshit I said to you was anything other than bullshit. You’re here, and so this is where I want to be. I just needed time to wallow in everything else I’ve lost.”

  My head felt like it might explode, and I had no idea what my throbbing heart might do.

  “Toby,” I mumbled into his clean smelling jacket.

  “I haven’t lost
you too, have I?” He pulled back, staring down at me with hopeful eyes, and I caved.

  With one look and a few words, I collapsed. All my hardened edges dissolving into dust. “It’s Evelyn.”

  It took him a few seconds. “Your middle name?”

  I nodded, then his lips dropped to mine, brushing softly, sweetly while he murmured words I couldn’t capture, thanks to my pulse screeching in my ears.

  After a minute, I broke away. “I need to work.” A glance at the floor had me saying, “And clean this mess.”

  “I’ll help.”

  “I’m still mad at you.”

  “I know.”

  We spent the next few minutes trying not to knock heads as we cleaned up my spilled shake from the floor. Still on the ground, I sagged back against the wall, smirking as I watched Toby serve someone who came in. Surprisingly, he didn’t mess up until it came time to open the register.

  Jumping up, I punched in the code, and the girl’s gaze darted between us, her mouth hanging open as she took her change from Toby. “Uh, thanks?”

  She walked outside much the same as the guy I served at the start of my shift did. “People are weird.”

  “Right?” Toby agreed, taking my hand and bringing it to his mouth. “When do you get off?”

  “Half an hour.”

  He looked around, taking note of the empty parlor before gripping the side of my face and capturing my lips with his. “Workplace hygiene laws,” I whispered. “We’re breaking them.”

  “I’ll break anything that stops me from getting you,” he said with a seriousness that sent my heart racing.

  After clocking out, I said goodbye to Tim. His smile said he knew about my visitor, yet he didn’t comment.

  Toby walked me home, trying to goad me into conversation. I didn’t want to talk, though. I just wanted to soak in the feeling of his hand holding mine and having him walk so close to me that I could breathe him in and feel the heat from his body. Let it soothe the ache that’d been present since he left.

  He let me be, and with a slow kiss at the stairs to my dorm, he said he’d see me tomorrow.

  Feeling giddy with relief, I walked up the stairs, ignoring Renee and her friend as they raced down them. I wanted to float away on this feeling. The feeling of having a piece of yourself returned and any sorrow you felt from its absence erased.

  The following week, everyone had settled back into their routine.

  Including me and Toby. Which wasn’t something that went unnoticed. “Are you going to tell him?” Daisy asked as we walked down Main Street toward the diner.

  “Tell him what?”

  “That you love him.”

  I stopped on the sidewalk, turning to face her with something pinching at my heart. “I …”

  “You don’t have to admit it for me to know.” She stopped. “It’s obvious. I mean, what guy could take off and still manage to worm his way back into Pippa James’s heart?” She scoffed, kicking at a small twig with her Converse. “Pretty much no one.”

  She had a point. “You make me sound like I’m only a pushover for him.”

  “Aren’t we all pushovers when it comes to love?”

  Again, she had a point. “We need t-shirts made. We got run over by assholes and still managed to love them.”

  “Ha! She admits it. Finally.”

  I laughed, slapping at her arm, then linking mine through hers as we continued strolling to the diner.

  Toby and Quinn were already at a booth in the back, talking about the game playing on the flat screen hanging from the ceiling.

  Something inside me locked up at seeing Toby watch it, knowing it had to be hard for him.

  But when he looked over at me, his smile unlocked it.

  He patted the seat, winding his arm around my shoulders as I removed my scarf and set my purse down.

  “Missed you,” he whispered hotly into my ear, pulling me to his side. I turned, offering him my lips, which he kissed before I took them away to pick up a menu.

  “What are we having?”

  “Toby needs to watch his figure. He’s let himself go these past few months,” Quinn said with a smirk.

  Toby flicked a toothpick across the table at him but agreed. “Yeah. It’s steak and salad for me.”

  “I think I’ll have the same.”

  Toby squeezed me. “You don’t need to do that.”

  “I know damn well I don’t. I just feel like eating some steak.”

  We ordered, Quinn and Daisy making googly eyes over a text Quinn’s mom had sent her.

  “What is it?” I asked Toby.

  “Chickens. Baby chickens.”

  My hand reached over the table, snatching the phone to see for myself. “Oh, my freaking God!”

  “Aren’t they adorable?” Daisy whisper-squealed.

  “So fluffy.”

  “I’m so pissed they hatched after we left.”

  Our drinks arrived, and I handed the phone back.

  “Are you okay?” I asked Toby once we were halfway through eating, and I noticed he’d stopped.

  “More than okay.” He leaned forward, kissing my temple. “Just tired. I started back at the gym this week.”

  I raised an eyebrow, looking him up and down. “But you’re still so fit. Taking some time off affects you that much?” He didn’t look any different to me.

  “Oh yeah,” Quinn said.

  “Thanks for the compliment, beautiful.” Toby poked me between the eyes, then returned to picking at his salad. “The weights, the lap times, all of it. It’s easier to maintain if you keep at it regularly. But after almost two months?” He shook his head, his cheeks puffing as he blew out an exaggerated breath. “Brutal.”

  “You’ll get there,” Quinn reassured him.

  We were all quiet when Renee walked into the diner, heading straight for the takeout line.

  “Reckon she comes here much?” Quinn asked. “Thought it’d be a little …”

  “Less fancier?” Toby supplied.

  “Yeah. Than she’s used to.”

  “I’ve seen her in here a few times,” Daisy said, shoving a fry into her mouth, still staring at the baby chickens on her phone. I knew she was thinking about drawing them and probably would as soon as she got her hands on her sketchpad.

  “She’s never said anything to you?” I asked Daisy, trying to keep the surprise out of my tone.

  Daisy shrugged. “Nope.”

  Funny. After what Renee had asked me, I was sure I could’ve pegged her as the type to warn others away from Callum. That’d teach me to wear my judgy pants too damn high.

  Toby nudged his head toward the door not long after I’d finished eating. “Wanna go?”

  At my nod, we said we’d catch Quinn and Daisy later. Toby threw some money on the table, and I scowled as he shoved mine down my top.

  I went back to the townhouse with him. I hadn’t stayed over since he’d been back, but tonight, I didn’t stop him when he continued to the stairs once we got inside.

  He undressed me carefully, his eyes and fingers leaving tingling trails over my every curve. He undressed himself as I laid on the sheets of his bed, staring up at him with my thumb between my teeth.

  “You still haven’t said it,” he said, climbing over me, his breath mingling with mine.

  I ran my nails up his back, dipping in and out of the ridges and valleys of his muscles.

  “Said what?” I knew what he meant, and although I wanted to say it, I kind of wanted him to sweat for a while longer.

  His brows met, muscles tensing. “That you love me.”

  “I know.”

  His look of confusion almost made me laugh until he asked, “Does that mean you don’t?” His eyes squeezed closed. “It’s okay if you don’t. I know I need to earn—”

  “I love you. But I hate how much I love you. So you need to be careful.”

  Those eyes flashed open. “What?”

  “You need to be careful with how you treat that love. It mi
ght be unconditional, but that doesn’t mean you can do what you want to me. I can love you, but I can also choose not to give that love to you if you mistreat it.”

  He fell on top of me, his hardness trapped between my stomach and his as he squeezed me to him. “I promise. I promise I won’t.”

  “Okay,” I relented, my tense body softening under his weight.

  “More than okay,” he whispered, his tongue licking at my neck, and his hand snaking between our bodies to rub me until I saw stars and his name was a hoarse, near-silent cry from my lips.

  Rising a little, he positioned himself. A deep, guttural groan filled my ear as he filled me.

  “Always. What I feel for you is beyond love. It’s vast, endless, and it’ll always hold me prisoner.”

  I’d never cried while having an orgasm before. But that night, I did.

  The tears tracked down my cheeks in silent ribbons as he whispered promises into my hair.

  Promises I was trusting him with everything I was to keep.

  The next morning, I was racing downstairs to get back to my dorm and ready for class when my phone wouldn’t stop ringing.

  I knew it was my mom. Not only from the ringtone, but because I hadn’t returned her calls this past week. And after our little heart to heart over Christmas, I knew she’d be worried.

  On the way to class, I stopped near the fountain in the quad, watching the water rain down in silver lines that created rainbows when the sun shone on it at just the right angle, and listened to my mom air her worries.

  “Could’ve been dead in a ditch somewhere. Or in jail. I don’t even know what they’d feed you in jail, but it wouldn’t be sufficient. You’d need me to sneak you supplements. You might almost be nineteen, but you’re still not done growing.”

  “Mom,” I tried to finally interject.

  “It’s the news. They show us nothing but horrible, heart-wrenching news nowadays. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had to change the channel. It costs a fortune to see Barbara every second month. I’m going to have to dip into your inheritance on account of all the gray hairs you and your brother are giving me. If they’re caused by you, you’re paying.”