by Ella Fields
“Oh no, very much true.” Opening her clutch, she pulled out a stick of gum and pushed it between her white teeth, chewing as she rummaged for something else. “I’ve got some great friends.”
“Why are you still friends with her?”
Plucking out her lip gloss, she swiped some over her lips and rubbed them together before answering. “No one wants to be alone. And at least I know what I can expect from her.”
“That’s sad, dude.”
Renee tucked her lip gloss away and snapped her clutch closed. “Life is sad. Better to know your enemy well than not know a friend at all.”
I didn’t know why I said what I did next; whether it was out of pity or if I genuinely thought it was a good idea. “You should hang out with me and Daisy some time.”
Her scoff had me regretting the invite instantly. “With the girl who kissed what’s mine?”
“She didn’t know you or anything about you. She wasn’t your friend and didn’t owe you a damn thing.”
Renee bit her lip, but then remembered she’d just prettied it up and quickly smoothed a manicured finger over it. “Thanks, but I don’t know if that’s such a great idea.”
“Suit yourself.” I eyed the bathroom, my nose crinkling, then headed for the stairs.
“Pippa.” I turned my head over a shoulder, but Renee only shook her head. “Never mind.”
Dodging a couple making out on the stairs, I navigated them carefully, heading down a long hallway. I didn’t know where this den was; perhaps I should’ve swallowed my pride and asked because I couldn’t find it.
Giving up, I decided to go back outside and wait for him there. I was stopped on the porch thanks to some beer splashing onto my arm and on my boot. “Fuck, sorry.”
Mike grabbed a roll of paper towel from the barbecue and started patting down my arm. With a small laugh, I grabbed the towel from him. “It’s fine. I can do it myself.”
“I’m sorry. I swear I just turned around, and then, poof, you were there. Like a car crash.”
I laughed harder, smiling up at him. Even in the dark, I knew his cheeks were tinged slightly pink. “Thanks, that’s sweet.”
“No, it’s really not. Shit.”
His exasperation made my smile grow, and I grabbed his hand on my arm, pausing his flustered rubbing. “Seriously, it’s fine.”
He stared down at me, his eyes blue and his tense features relaxing. “Okay. I’m still sorry.”
“Trying to worm yourself between another taken girl’s legs?” Toby appeared behind him.
Mike’s jaw clenched as he turned around. “I spilled beer on her. By accident.”
Toby’s smirk sent my blood freezing. “So that meant you had to touch her, right?” He stepped closer, and my heart rate increased at his lowered voice.
“It wasn’t like that.” Mike stood tall, unrelenting against the storm brewing around Toby.
“Is that what you said to Welsh, too?” Someone made a keening sound, and I saw Renee at the door with a hand over her mouth. Mike stared at her too, worry filling his eyes. Renee shook her head, backing up a step and almost tripping over the threshold.
“Toby, come on,” Mike said with an awkward laugh.
“Okay,” Toby said, swinging wide and catching Mike in the jaw. Shocked, I screamed. And as Mike bent over, clutching at his jaw, I saw Callum standing below the steps, watching.
“Don’t just stand there,” I yelled at Callum.
Mike rose and pushed Toby backward. I couldn’t even get around them to get help.
Fine then. I shoved my way between them as Callum called my name.
Too late now, asshole, I thought. Pushing Toby back a step, I wrapped my arms around his waist, feeling his chest heaving. He looked down at me, jaw tight with anger. The cloying smell of marijuana clung to his shirt, and his eyes were bloodshot. Sighing, I said firmly, “Toby, you’re overreacting.”
He stared down at me while I felt the weight of everyone else’s stare on us, but I didn’t move. After a minute, he circled an arm around my back and walked us toward the stairs. “You touch her again, and I’ll make sure you end up shitting out all your pretty teeth.”
Walking into the yard, I glared at Callum, who sent me an apologetic look. I flipped him off and pulled myself away from Toby.
“Everything okay?” Daisy asked.
“I’m going home,” I told her.
“What happened?”
In answer, I pointed at Toby, who caught my hand. I removed it, grabbing my purse and making my way back toward the house.
“Wait up,” Daisy said.
“I’ll call a cab. Don’t worry.”
“Pippa,” Toby said, his fingers curling around my wrist as I walked through the house. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
A dry laugh bubbled out of me. “What is wrong with me?”
He halted me on the steps out front. “Dick for brains just had his hands all over you, you were smiling at him and shit, and you’re mad at me?”
There was zero point in arguing with him right now. I knew that, yet the desire to put him in his place took over. “He spilled his fucking beer on me, tried to help wipe it up, and I laughed because it was awkward and I felt bad for him. Happy?”
“Far fucking from it,” he said bluntly.
“Funny, I thought getting high would’ve helped with that.” I forced a fake smile. “Maybe you didn’t do it right. Go on, go try again.”
“Fuck you, Pippa.”
My chest seized, breath drawn painfully back into my lungs.
Self-preservation kicked in, sending my feet down the drive, away from him. “Yeah, fuck you too, Toby.”
I continued down the street, feeling his hot gaze on me until I made it to a bus shelter. Where I called a cab and shivered from both the cold and anger.
“Go to a party, I said. It’ll be good for you, I said. God, could I be any more of a god damned idiot?” I asked the ceiling.
“You’re not. He behaved like the idiot,” Daisy informed tightly. “I’d be pissed.”
And she didn’t even know the half of it. I couldn’t tell her. Why I was trying to protect him wasn’t exactly clear to me.
Love really did make you do stupid things.
“And Mike. That guy is totally sweet. And what did he get? A punch in the face.”
“He does seem sweet.” Daisy turned the page in her textbook, her finger running down it until she found what she needed. She uncapped the highlighter with her teeth, letting the cap fall from her lips to the bed.
“Remind me not to lend my highlighters to you ever again.”
“You love me,” she said. “What are you going to do?”
My eyes rolled back to the ceiling, something pinching at my ribs whenever I thought of Toby’s last words to me the night before. Fuck you, Pippa.
“I’m not doing a damn thing,” I tried to say confidently, but my voice cracked on the last word.
Daisy remained quiet, the squeak of her highlighter against the page filling the room. “Good.”
“Good?” I asked, my eyes closing in an effort not to cry. I wouldn’t cry over this. I refused to cry over this.
“You’re the strongest person I know. Don’t go changing, or else I’ll have to steal all your pencils, mess up your side of the wardrobe, and call your mom.”
“Oh, shit. Not my mom,” I said sarcastically. My mind whirled. “Does it make me weak if I want to call her, though?” I sniffed, hating myself a little.
“Psh, don’t even. If you’re strong, your mom is a fortress. You need to tap into that at times. I know I do.”
“He was supposed to meet my dad on Sunday.”
No sound from Daisy, and I turned onto my side to stare at her as she shoved her books aside and laid down, staring back at me. “You’re still going to see him, though, right?”
“I don’t know. He wants me to meet Felicity.”
She made a face that made me laugh. “Well, I could come with you?”
�
�Doesn’t Quinn have some football thing?”
Daisy thought about it for a moment. “I think so. But he wouldn’t mind.”
“Thank you, but I think I’ll be okay.”
“Yeah,” she said, Deja vu sitting heavily between us. “You will be.”
A hot shower didn’t do a damn thing to help me sweat out this monster of a headache or the feeling of regret weighing my every movement.
Fuck you, Pippa.
Yeah, fuck you, too, Toby.
My stomach curdled, and I leaned over the vanity, breathing rapidly. What was wrong with me? What in the fucking hell wasn’t wrong with me?
Unsure of what to do but knowing I had to do something, I stood frozen for a stupid amount of time, the gray fog of my thoughts battling with the clarity that tried to shine through.
Call her.
Just fucking call her.
Stop being a coward. Do something.
I moved, grabbing my phone and calling and calling and calling.
She never answered. Sweat beaded on my temples as I stared down at the screen of my phone, my hand shaking as I tossed it to the floor and dressed.
Quinn was downstairs, flicking through Netflix with his leg over the back of the couch. “Shouldn’t you be with Daisy?” I asked, stopping in the entryway. It was Saturday; they always hung out every chance they got.
“After what happened last night, I thought it’d be a good idea to hang out here with you.”
“Well,” I said, slipping my feet into my running shoes. “Nice to know you give a shit, but it’s unnecessary.”
“Why’s that?”
I blinked. “It just is.”
“Mmm. Okay. Where you going?”
I barely withheld a glare, knowing he didn’t deserve any of my annoyance. “To sort my mess out.”
“Atta boy.”
I stopped at the door. “Any chance you could call Daisy and tell her I’ll be over there to talk to Pippa in a few?”
Quinn sighed. “I can, sure. Do I think it’ll help if she’s as pissed at you as she should rightfully be?” He turned back to the TV. “Probably not.”
I banged my forehead against the door. “Fuck. What if I’ve fucked it all up?”
Quinn was silent a moment before verbally smacking me upside the head. “Just keep knocking, dude.”
The sun beat down on me like a warm blanket, soothing some of the anxiety rolling throughout my body in rough waves. I’d been sitting outside the girl’s dorms for an hour, but no one had come and gone who I thought might let me in.
My chance came fifteen minutes later in the form of a nervous looking girl eating a Snickers bar. I had to pay her ten bucks, but she let me slip in behind her.
The Snickers bar had me emptying what was left in my wallet at the vending machines. Mints, chocolate bars, potato chips, and a can of soda filled my arms as I left the common room to a few strange looks.
Thankfully, the desk clerk wasn’t in—not that she probably would’ve cared—and I raced up the stairs two at a time, trying not to drop all my loot.
I got to the door, looked at it, then looked down at the packages in my arms.
With nothing else to do, I kicked it gently. Once then twice. Pippa opened it before I got a third swing in, her lips parting as she found me there.
“Room service?” I offered, words failing me.
She shut the door in my face.
It reopened, and her and Daisy grabbed all the snacks from my arms before closing it again.
What the fuck?
I guessed I had it coming. Probably a lot more where that came from too.
Suck it up, buttercup.
Keep knocking. Right.
Inhaling deeply, I rapped twice on the wood and waited.
Then waited some more.
And some more.
Girls passed me in the hall, smiling shyly or glancing at me one too many times. I wanted to scream at them. Don’t look at me. Keep walking. Nothing to see here.
Fucking hell.
I knocked again. “Pippa, please. Just open up long enough for me to apologize at least.”
The door finally opened a minute later. “I’m waiting,” she said, peering out from behind it.
Wishing she’d come closer, or stop hiding, but not willing to waste my chance, I spewed out, “I acted like a dick. A complete and utter asshole, and I’m sorry. Really fucking sorry.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Toby …”
“Pippa, I love you. I didn’t mean any of it. I was just—”
“High. You were just drunk and high. Great combo, am I right?”
“Wrong. I shouldn’t have—”
“Did you know that people with any kind of mental illness shouldn’t drink that much, and they most definitely should not be smoking pot.”
“I did know.” I was told by my dad on a regular basis, not to mention, my last therapist in high school. “I don’t know why I did it.”
“You do. You just won’t say it.”
My teeth gritted; honesty would just make it worse. But I couldn’t give her anything else. “It makes everything … quieter, all right? I feel free of myself for a while.”
“No. It’s not all right. I don’t care how high or how low you are, you can’t speak to me like that. Also, you should apologize to Mike. Bye, Toby.”
The door closed for what I knew was the final time, and I dropped my head against it. “Pippa,” I moaned. “Don’t do this. Please don’t do this.” My words were a whisper, but I knew she was still there. I could feel her, practically taste her, everywhere.
“Pippa.” I banged my head against the door. “Open up, I’m not done. We’re not done.”
“Please, just go home, Toby.”
Turning, I slid down to the floor, my knees bent with my arms hanging over them, and my head flopping to stare at the old, ugly ass carpet.
Go home, Toby.
Where? I couldn’t move when I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere else.
How could she expect me to walk away from the one thing that tethered me to this place right now? To existing in general?
Did she even love me, if she was willing to leave me to rot all by myself?
She didn’t care anymore.
You fucked it all up.
Hell, she probably never really cared. Never gave a shit.
A shaky breath left me, vibrating past my lips as I tried to suck back all the raging emotions. They were multiplying. Splitting apart and creating the kind of chaos that had me feeling a sick sense of dread.
Without any other choice, I stood and walked home in a state of scared confusion.
I didn’t remember walking inside; I didn’t even remember if I saw Quinn.
The only thing I knew was that my pillow was in my face, and I was begging my body to sleep. Just shut down and sleep.
No one ever listened to me.
Probably because they knew I was full of shit. You can smile a great smile, but you ain’t got shit to back it up, Hawthorne.
Pointless. Everyone saw right through you in the end.
I was so sick of this.
I couldn’t breathe.
So tired of this.
Why the hell can’t I breathe properly?
Why the hell was I even there?
No one wants me here anyway.
Anywhere.
Here or anywhere.
“Shut up,” I whimpered, rolling my head around in the pillow.
“Hi, baby boy. Have a good day at school?”
“No, I don’t want to. Go away, Toby. Mommy is busy.” She returns her absent stare to the TV.
“Shut up,” I begged.
“Let’s go to the park. We can get ice cream after.”
Empty closets and scattered coat hangers.
My dad’s quiet sobs coming from his room.
A cat darting across the street, struck by a car and bleeding on the road.
“Daddy!”
My dad shuffling me inside an
d calling the vet.
The coarse rubber in my hands as I jogged backward over the field before throwing wide. Everything is quieter here.
Safer.
The laughing faces of Paul, Callum, Burrows, Ed, Mike, and Quinn—sitting around the fire and not realizing they held something precious within their hands.
I held something precious within my hands.
Two precious somethings.
Then I ripped them to pieces, abandoning them before I could see the damage lying at my feet.
Spineless and useless. Why was I even there?
“Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up,” someone was yelling. “Shut up, damn it, shut the fuck up.”
Why the fuck wouldn’t they shut up?
“Toby.” Hands in my hair, a tear-streaked face staring down at me.
My heart tried to bust a hole through my chest, sweat rolling down my face. “It’s okay.”
“Pip,” I said; my voice a quiet croak and no match against the screaming of my pulse.
She left, and I blinked slowly, wondering if she was even here. “Pippa!” My throat felt raw, battered, as I yelled for her.
She ran back, holding a washcloth out. “I’m here. Just went to get this.”
My eyes shut as she pressed the damp material to my forehead, gently gathering the sweat and cooling me down.
“I couldn’t …” I swallowed, wondering what she saw, what she heard. “Jesus. I’m a fucking disaster.”
“Shhh. You’re my disaster.”
My eyes sprang open, watching her wet lashes feather over her creamy cheeks, her mere presence tethering me. “I’m sorry.”
She sniffed, nodding. “I know you are.”
I kept staring as she kept fussing, her skin on mine helping my heart rate resume a normal rhythm. My green-eyed Pippa. Mine. “Don’t go.”
“I won’t.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
It was at that point, with tear-stained cheeks, her hands smoothing my hair and wiping away my sweat, that I realized she did. She really fucking did.
Grabbing her hand, I brought it to my mouth, rubbing it over my dry lips. “Stay with me.”
“Always.”
Parked cars and families filled the streets. Birds chattered up high in the trees. Toby’s hand in mine made the doubts crawling through my head duck and hide among the relief that having him here with me made me feel.