Bittersweet Always

by Ella Fields

  “Take it up with the landlord,” Daisy suggested.

  Arriving at class five minutes early awarded me any seat I wished, and I chose well, sitting down in the very front corner.

  People thought they could hide in the back, when the truth was, hiding in plain sight was so much easier. I’d done it yesterday, too.

  “Toby?”

  And it appeared my time in hiding was now over.

  “Dude!” Paul jumped over the chairs, whacking his leg on the table and cursing as he fell into the seat beside me.

  “You suck.”

  He punched me in the arm, and I winced. “More like you suck. What the hell? Where you been?”

  “Some kind of psychiatric hospital.”

  He didn’t balk, just nodded. “And what, they like, fixed you?”

  I smiled. “I guess you could say that.”

  My head was shoved into his neck half a second later, which I thought was a joke until he whispered, “Pull that shit again, and I’ll beat your ass till you’re singing the alphabet backward.”

  Tears sprung to my eyes, and I beat them back. “Sorry.”

  His arm tightened, then he let go, shoving me in the chest. “Motherfucker. You wanna get high, we’ll show you a better way.”

  I shook my head, not wanting to explain it, especially not here. “There’ll be no substance abuse of any kind for me, so mark me off any party invites for a while.”

  “Not even alcohol?”

  The professor walked in, carrying a box with an old overhead projector. “Not even alcohol. I feel good, and I don’t want to mess with that.”

  More like I was petrified something would mess with that.

  After class, Burrows found me outside, hooting and throwing himself around, trying to tackle me to the ground. A brief rundown had him smiling like a goober. “So proud.” He pinched my cheeks, and I swatted his hands away. “Nah, for real. You keep being your badass self.” A few girls walking by waved at him, prompting him to ask, “Want some fresh meat? Or you still dating that Pippa chicka?”

  Paul scowled. “Respect, dude. Get some.”

  Burrows threw his hands up. “Just checking. Shit.”

  “Ready for the preseason game?” I asked, which had them blinking and stalling.

  “Uh, yeah. Actually, Coach has some new kids lined up. They seem all right.”

  “We’re gonna need better than all right after getting our asses fucked three ways from Sunday at the play-offs,” Burrows grumbled.

  He was always a sore loser, but he had nothing on me.

  We finished talking about the game, and I said I might come. Uncertainty still had a strong hold on a lot of things to do with this place, especially regarding football, but I wanted to try. Plus, I had a shit ton of work to catch up on if I still wanted to graduate with the rest of my class. Extra courses, some of which I was taking online, but I’d manage. I just needed to get through this first semester, then it would hopefully ease up.

  The breeze ran cool over the nape of my neck as I traipsed back along the path with my head inclined, heading for the cafeteria.

  A gasp pulled me up short when I stepped inside the air-conditioned building, halting just outside the entrance to the cavernous space that held mouthwatering scents. I was starving, but I’d know that gasp anywhere and told my hunger to beat it.

  “Pip-squeak,” I said in a rush, terrified she’d run away again, terrified she’d stay.

  Her green eyes were wild with emotions I couldn’t see long enough to name. Those plump lips, pink and slightly parted, letting a weighted breath escape. But her posture was so stiff; I wanted to take her into my arms, in hopes she might melt and her muscles would relax.

  I did this to her. I’d made her afraid of this moment, of me, of us.

  “Hi,” she said after an excruciatingly long moment.

  At a loss for what to say, I simply stared at her, watching her tense shoulders slowly loosen. It seemed stupid to say hello or to ask how she was given the time lapse and obvious tension. “Are you okay?”

  I think I was more shocked than she was by the words that rolled out of my mouth without my permission, yet they seemed fitting.

  Her laugh was hoarse, but I still swayed toward it. “Are you?” she asked instead of answering.

  I smiled a real, genuine, honest to God smile. Her eyes shuttered briefly, and she took a step back. “I’m good, but I could be better. Wanna take a walk?”

  She glanced down at the ground, shifting in her ballet flats. Her legs, usually pale and snowy like the rest of her complexion, now had a slight tan.

  My want for her couldn’t ever be tamed, but shit, visuals of them wrapped around my waist didn’t help. At fucking all.

  “I can’t, I’m sorry.” Then she was walking away.

  I couldn’t let her do that again, so I jogged out of the building after her. She stopped when she heard my footsteps crunching over the pebbles, spinning around to face me with water clouding her eyes. “I said I can’t, Toby.”

  “Just five minutes, please.”

  A dry laugh flew into my ears. “You know what I would’ve given to have just five minutes of your time these past seven months?”

  I sucked my lips into my mouth, cringing as she laughed again.

  “That’s right. It’s a long fucking time to be left in the dark. You should know that better than anyone. So no, you don’t get five minutes. You shouldn’t even be getting these seconds.” She stormed off, but then she stopped, looking frustrated as she gazed back at me. “I’m glad you’re okay. I am. But you can’t magically make me the same way just because you’re ready.”

  Her words hit with scary accuracy, slamming into my chest and sending shockwaves rippling through my bloodstream. I couldn’t move because she was right.

  It was all I could do to keep breathing as I watched her walk away once again.

  During my stay at home over the remainder of summer, I told my dad about what happened with Felicity.

  Yeah, I used her name now. You could have a mom, but unless she acted like one, she didn’t really deserve the title. And I didn’t feel one shred of guilt over not using it anymore.

  Dad had seemed shocked but only for a minute.

  I apologized for not telling him sooner, but all he said was, “She left, but she left my heart behind when she did. I hope she decides to get well one day, but I stopped losing sleep over her years ago.”

  With a pointed look at me, he left the room, leaving me to dissect his words. Left his heart behind. Me. He was talking about me. And I thought I’d left the tears behind back in Millstone’s psychiatric facility.

  Apparently not, I thought to myself, blinking frantically as I retreated to my room.

  The rest of the day raced by, and after making myself and Quinn dinner, not from a box for once, I just wanted to squeeze in as much studying as I could before I passed out.

  It was a good plan, only Pippa’s words wouldn’t leave me the hell alone long enough to even take a piss.

  “So it didn’t go too well,” my dad said.

  “You can say that again.”

  “So it didn’t go too well,” he repeated.

  “Jesus, not the time for dad jokes.”

  He told me to wait a minute as he ordered some takeout. I rummaged through my drawers, looking for my book. I swear I’d left it behind before leaving for Millstones. Dad had taken most of my junk home when he was here—what he could fit in the car anyway—in case I didn’t come back.

  It was all unpacked within hours of me arriving last weekend, but I couldn’t find it.

  It should be here. But it wasn’t here.

  Deep breath.

  I sat myself down and listened as my dad paid for his dinner and came back on the line. “Sorry, they always forget the ranch. Drives me nuts.”

  “Did I bring a book home?”

  “You’ve got a few books here, too many for me to know which one you’re talking about.”

  “N
ever mind,” I said. Get over it. It’ll show up, or it won’t, I told myself.

  “Pippa’s probably shitty with me too, if it’s any consolation.”

  I heeled off my shoes, lining them up next to my dresser. “Why would she be pissed with you?”

  “Shitty, not pissed.”

  “There’s a difference?”

  “Yep, I think so.”

  I shook my head. “Okay, so why?”

  “For not doing more when she wanted to talk to you.”

  I had weeks at home after rehab when I could’ve called her myself. “She wouldn’t be. And it’s not the kind of conversation we can have on the phone.”

  “What isn’t?”

  “Why I wouldn’t talk to her while I was away. I’ll … I don’t know, give her a few days and try again.” I hit the loudspeaker button, getting some clothes out to take a shower after I got off the phone.

  Dad was quiet. The kind of quiet that meant he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure if he should. “What?”

  “Nothing. I just think there’s giving her space, and there’s giving her too much space.”

  “I don’t particularly want dating advice, Dad. No offense.”

  “He’s right,” Quinn said, and I looked over to find him eating a sandwich at the door.

  My dad sounded smug. “Thanks, Quinn.”

  “No worries.”

  “Seriously?” I slammed my top drawer.

  Quinn nodded, not understanding that I was actually miffed he was listening in and not in the market for more abstract advice. “Oh, yeah. You gotta give her enough time to stew for a little while, then it’s time to pounce. Don’t leave it too long, or she starts hating you for not caring enough.”

  “Exactly right,” my dad said. “I’d say about four, five o’clock tomorrow would be your best shot.”

  “Jesus,” I wheezed.

  “She’ll have you on her mind, doubting, full of confusion, then wham! You strike before she starts outright loathing your mere existence again.”

  “You guys—”

  My dad cut me off. “You’re receiving solid information here.”

  “I’ve got work to do,” I said, getting my laptop from my dresser and placing it on the bed.

  “And don’t take flowers. Pippa doesn’t seem the type for flowers.”

  Quinn agreed. “Maybe some corn chips and salsa, or some of those chocolates or breath mints you see her harassing the vending machines for.”

  “Okay, thank you and good night.”

  I ended the call, slamming the door in Quinn’s grinning face at the same time.

  “I’m just saying, would it kill you to talk to him?”

  I turned slowly, leveling Daisy with the kind of glare that should’ve made her shrink. She merely smiled. “Um, yes. It just might.”

  Sighing, she tossed her legs over the back of the couch, hanging upside down. “It seems like avoiding him is killing you more.” Her eyes traveled from the bottle of cleaning spray in my hand to the cloth in the other.

  With my shoulders drooping, I stalked to the kitchen and set them on the counter. “Dais, it’s …”

  “Hard. I know. He seems like he’s doing really well, though, if you don’t take into account his agitation over not being able to talk to you.”

  Biting back a heated retort, I dropped on the couch next to her. Toby was waiting for me after my last class yesterday, but I ignored him. Didn’t say one word as I power walked off campus.

  Surprisingly, he let me be, his eyes on my back as I crossed the street. Part of me was screaming for him to follow me, to chase me down and make all this better. That part was small, for the rest of me was too busy stacking bricks and mixing cement to seal the cracks around my heart so he couldn’t climb inside again.

  “It’s over. It’s been months. I didn’t need much, a phone call once a month would’ve sufficed, some kind of update from him. But … never mind. I’m starting to think maybe it was for the best.” I picked at a loose piece of skin on my cuticle.

  Daisy tugged my hands apart. “If it’s definitely over, then don’t you think he needs to know?”

  Snorting, I said, “I think he’s getting the memo. Not to mention, he’d told me to move on.” Her silence had me huffing. “This isn’t fair. He left me for months. And you even told me he went home for the rest of summer after leaving Millstones.”

  “I’m not saying he deserves another chance.” Daisy paused, her lip sliding between her teeth. “I’m just saying that perhaps you both need closure. To wrap things up properly instead of letting things end the way they have.”

  “Had,” I said with emphasis. “It ended a long time ago. It just took me too long to realize it.”

  The lights twirled, dancing in a golden blur as I spun around.

  “Wait up,” he said. “Let’s get you a drink and go chill out somewhere.”

  Looking up into the faces of Ryan—or was it Brian?—I giggled. “You’ve got two faces.”

  The two faces frowned, lips puckering in a way that had me grabbing my stomach and doubling over. “God, don’t do that.”

  Arms wrapped around my waist. “I think you’ve had enough to drink.”

  Oh, I knew that. “Fact,” I slurred. “But I wanna dance, so you can go now.” Turning slightly, I batted his arms, realizing too late that it was his stomach. “Hot damn, Brian.”

  “It’s Ryan,” he said with a slight groan.

  “Whatever. You get the chisel out on these things?” I patted his stomach some more.

  He chuckled, grabbing my hand when he stepped away, and I almost toppled over.

  “Pippa?”

  “Not here,” I called to the voice coming up behind me.

  “Hey.” Callum grabbed my elbow, separating me from not Brian. “What’re you doing here?”

  Good question. I couldn’t remember exactly how I’d come to the decision. I heard the music coming from the building next door and ran inside to change before leaving. They had booze, and I had shit I wanted to forget for a while.

  “Just wanted to have some drinks,” I said with a lopsided smile.

  Callum’s lips twitched as he stared down at me.

  “She’s pretty wasted, man,” Not Brian said.

  “I got her, thanks.”

  I watched as Not Brian rubbed his forehead, then strode into the throng of people in the living room. Sniffing, I said to Callum, “It’s stuffy in here, don’t you think?”

  “Yeah.” He looked over at someone, and I tilted a little, trying to see who it was.

  My heart collided with my stomach, causing my legs to quake. “Guess he hasn’t changed much after all,” I murmured.

  Callum heard me and grabbed my hand. “He heard you were here. Knew you probably wouldn’t want to see him, so …”

  Even in my fabulously intoxicated state, I understood. “You came to the rescue for him?”

  Callum grinned. “I live on the top floor, so it wasn’t too much of a mission.”

  “Oh.” The word fell out on a breath, my eyes swinging back to Toby, who was standing in the kitchen doorway, arms crossed over his broad chest, his stupidly beautiful eyes on me. Shaking my head, I looked up at Callum. “I don’t need rescuing. If I want to dance and have a few drinks, I’ll do so, fuck you very much.”

  Callum raised a brow. “Pippa, you’re wasted.”

  My arm swung out, whacking someone in the back. I quickly apologized before saying, “So is almost everyone else here.”

  He gave me a look that said he didn’t care, and that I could keep arguing, but he wasn’t going anywhere.

  I went for the jugular. “Got nothing better to do? Renee decide she’s finally over you?”

  Other than the slight twitch in his strong jaw, he didn’t take the bait. “Fine,” I huffed. “Party fucking pooper.”

  I marched back through the crowd, dodging a groping hand by the door as I swung it open, practically stumbling into the hall. The wall rose to greet my fa
ce, but my hand was faster, meeting it with a thwack before I slid to the carpeted floor.

  Laughter spilled out of me in uncontrollable waves. “This is pretty gross. Imagine how many people walk over this floor.”

  “They have cleaners come in once a week to vacuum,” Callum informed me.

  I tilted my head back, and he smiled down at me. “Where’s your friend?”

  “Here,” Toby said.

  “You”—I stabbed a finger at him—“can kindly get lost in a forest made of knives.”

  His smile was sad, but it still had my gaze stuck on it. Like it was almost my birthday, and I hadn’t had cake in a year. “Lost. Funny you should say that.”

  “Nothing funny about it.” I got on all fours, slowly standing as Toby stepped forward and grabbed my arms, lifting me. “Hey, no touching.”

  Toby raised his hands, taking a step back before looking over my shoulder. “I’ll take it from here.”

  I laughed, turning around to grin at Callum, and jabbing my thumb at Toby over my shoulder. “You hear this guy?”

  Callum shook his head, lowering it to hide his smile. “Good night, Pippa. Make sure you hydrate.”

  He walked to the elevator, whacking a button and holding the door open for us. Reluctantly, I walked in, knowing it was better to get this over with. “Night, traitor.”

  Toby stepped in, but I kept my eyes on the glittering gray floor as the doors shut and we descended.

  “You can’t keep avoiding me.”

  I ignored him, suddenly feeling very sober and all kinds of cold as we walked out into the small foyer and continued outside to the street.

  It couldn’t have been any later than eleven, but other than the music drifting down from the apartment upstairs, the street was quiet. So when I heard a quiet growl come from an alley between the buildings, I paused, brows crinkling. Then footsteps sounded, and I realized Toby, a silent sentry, had decided to follow me home.

  Once we reached my building, I stopped and dug out my keys from my jean pocket. “Thanks for ruining my fun. Please don’t do it again.”

  Walking inside, I turned when I didn’t hear the door shut behind me. “Toby, what the hell?” My hands fisted. “Just go home, already.”