Blind Delusion

by Dorothy Phaire

  Once they reached the gates of Foxhall Crescent Estates, Renee gave him the passcode to lift the security gate. Deek punched in the code on the keypad and drove through.

  In his rearview mirror he noticed that the gate took several minutes to lower. He drove along the neighborhood’s winding, tree-flanked streets, and periodically took his eyes off the road to sneak a glance at her profile. When Deek reached her house, he parked in the driveway. Before Renee could grab the car door handle, he gently turned her chin so their eyes met. “I’m sorry for putting you in an awkward situation last night. If you want me to keep my distance, I will. Is that what you want, Renee?” While he hoped it wasn’t, he needed to hear the truth from her.

  Renee looked away in silence. She had strong feelings for Deek, but didn’t know what to do about it. She wasn’t ready to make drastic, permanent changes in her life. Not even for him. She needed more time. Time to think. Time to find out if there was anything salvageable left in her marriage.

  “Don’t bother answering, Doc. But just so you know, it’s not the end of my wanting you no matter how you feel about me.”

  “Deek … I … Our friendship means the world to me. I wouldn’t want anything to ruin that.”

  “Uh oh, the 'Let’s be friends' speech—the kiss of death. The last thing I want is to cause you misery,” he said in a serious tone, “Just do me a favor, don’t ask me not to care because I can’t ever do that.”

  Before driving off, Deek leaned out the car window. “By the way, call your security management firm and tell them the gate is defective. It’s coming down too slowly. Anybody could piggy-back and drive right through behind you.”

  “All right. I’ll call them,” she said with sadness in her voice. Renee stood there, not wanting to leave.

  He got out of the car and walked over to her. When he kissed her goodbye his trim mustache brushed against her lips. She let her gaze follow him as he got back in his car and drove away. Renee went inside the house and headed straight for the kitchen to check on Angel. All of a sudden her vision blurred and her feet gave way from under her. She knew this sudden unsteadiness could not be the effects of the Lexapro that Helen had prescribed for her because she had not taken it for the past two days. She grabbed the arm of a nearby chair just in time and fell into it, letting her head drop between her knees so the blood could rush to her brain. Perhaps she was anemic. A year had passed since her last physical when she was diagnosed with borderline iron deficiency. And then she wasn’t getting any younger. Perhaps, this was the first stages of menopause creeping up on her. Renee shuddered at the thought of how quickly time was running out.

  Renee staggered to the kitchen cabinet and gulped down an iron tablet. Soon after swallowing, her stomach convulsed and she ran to the powder room toilet to throw up. Once she had composed herself, she retrieved her phone book and dialed her general practitioner’s emergency number. The weekend answering service noted her symptoms and paged the physician on duty. Within twenty minutes, the doctor on duty called. After asking a battery of questions that Renee quickly responded ‘no’ to, the physician asked, “When was your last menstrual cycle, Mrs. Hayes?” The question took Renee by surprise. She had no idea.

  “I’d like you to come into the office for an exam and pregnancy test. If you call on Monday morning at nine, the receptionist will give you an appointment. In the meantime, if you feel nauseous again eat some dry crackers and try a little ginger in your tea. Avoid dairy products and fatty foods for now until one of the OB/GYN’s can examine you.”

  Renee covered her hand over her mouth after hanging up the phone. Pregnancy test? And here she thought her delayed periods were from the onset of menopause. No way would she wait until Monday to make an appointment and then wait even longer to find out if her prayers had been answered. She grabbed her coat and rushed out to the drug store to buy a home pregnancy kit.

  Once back home, she sat down to study the instructions in the kit, not wanting her nervous enthusiasm to cause her to skip a crucial step and affect the results. She was sure she followed each step correctly. There was no mistake about the results. The green line meant the test results were positive. Renee couldn’t believe it. Her heart raced, but this time it was from joy and not an anxiety attack. A smile stretched across her face as she sat up on the bed with her arms folded about her knees. She found herself chuckling aloud with excitement. She couldn’t wait to tell Bill when he returned home from India. She had needed a purpose in life and this was it. She couldn’t remember exactly when it happened, but obviously it had happened at least a month ago. Becoming a mother would give her life meaning. She’d been cheated out of motherhood at sixteen and now at 45 years old, this was her last chance.

  She and Bill would have to try harder to save their marriage. She didn’t feel the type of passion for him as she now knew she was capable of feeling, but that didn’t matter any more. She would forego passion so that her baby would grow up with both parents. She had counseled enough adult children of divorced parents to witness the far-reaching emotional scars later in life. Always in a psychoanalytical frame of mind, Renee raced through the implications of how a divorce might effect her baby later in life. Many of her own patients who had grown up with divorced parents feared loss, change, and betrayal in their own adult relationships. They could appear fine on the outside, but once they tried to have relationships of their own, these fears that were created when their parents divorced often manifested. From her training in psychology, Renee compared children of divorce to what happened in her childhood and saw striking similarities. Divorce resulted in many of the same abandonment emotional scars that occur when a parent is absent due to death. Her mother had left when she was 7 years old, and when a parent is just not there, as in her father’s case …

  “Stop it Renee,” she admonished herself out loud. “You haven’t even given birth yet but you’re already projecting your fears into the baby’s future. Now is the time to celebrate and be thankful for this blessing!”

  But she couldn’t control the onslaught of negative, anxious feelings. She worried about how Bill would react to the news. He had been perfectly clear about his feelings on fatherhood. Adopted or natural, Bill did not want children. To make matters worse, Renee recalled her last obstetrician’s warning six years ago when she had suffered an abnormal gestation from an ectopic pregnancy that had to be aborted in order to save her life. The doctors said even if she were fortunate enough to conceive, in all likelihood the fetus would spontaneously abort within the first three months because of possible birth defects or would have to be terminated to avoid a health risk as was the case the last time she got pregnant. According to the best medical experts Renee would never deliver a normal, full-term, healthy baby without putting her own life in jeopardy.

  She would refuse to accept their doom and gloom predications. She would believe the baby growing in her womb was a gift from God, and only God could save him. Renee put on her coat and rushed back out the front door. Even though it was a Saturday late in the afternoon, something compelled her towards the church that Brenda attended, the Nativity Catholic Church on Georgia Avenue. She arrived a few minutes after the 3:30 Mass had begun. Renee entered the vestibule, dipped her fingers in holy water and made the sign of the cross. Before slipping into the back pew she genuflected in the red-carpeted aisle before the Virgin Mary. The cathedral ceilings, imposing statutes, candles, dim lighting, and beautiful stained glass windows gave the church a surreal atmosphere. The melodious voice of the monsignor echoed throughout the sanctuary. Renee knelt and prayed, making a fervent plea to God to see her pregnancy through to full-term with the delivery of a healthy baby. After mass the congregation filed out. Renee approached the altar and lit a candle for her unborn child. She knelt down and prayed that he or she would survive the next nine months. As she rose to leave, she heard someone whisper her name.

  “Dr. Renee?”

&
nbsp; Renee turned around and saw Brenda holding her son, Justin.

  “I’m glad you came to visit my church, Dr. Renee. I hope you enjoyed this afternoon’s Mass. It always brings me peace to come here,” said Brenda, struggling to support her wiggling baby with both arms.

  “Oh, yes, Brenda. I needed to be here today.”

  “Is something wrong?” her secretary asked, touching her sleeve, momentarily. Brenda hesitated before continuing, “To be honest, I’ve been worried about you. You seem to be a little unsteady and preoccupied at times, as if your mind is a hundred miles away. Actually, I tried to reach you last night. When I didn’t hear from you I didn’t know what to think.”

  Renee frowned, “I’m sorry, Brenda, I haven’t checked my messages yet. I’m all right but why were you calling?”

  “Do you have time for a cup of coffee? There’s a café called La Baguettes not too far from here.”

  “Of course, I need to talk to you as well.” Renee said, needing to take control.

  “Follow me then. I’ll show you where it is. I’m warning you though,” said Brenda, smiling, “La Baguettes sell the most irresistible fattening pastries and breads.”

  The café was less than ten minutes away. Renee carried Brenda’s decaf coffee, a cup of herbal tea for herself, and two blueberry sconces to an isolated corner where Brenda waited with her son. Brenda’s baby sat content in his carrier seat and then fell asleep almost immediately. Renee could tell that something was troubling Brenda.

  “Is anything wrong?” Renee asked, with an intense look.

  “I shouldn’t bother you with my problems, Dr. Renee,” said Brenda, staring down at her cup of coffee.

  “Don’t be silly,” Renee said with a wave of her hand, “I’m sorry you couldn’t get in touch with me last night when you needed me. I suppose you were shocked to see me at Mass today. I haven’t been a practicing Catholic since childhood.”

  “God sees our hearts, not what particular doctrine or religion we follow.”

  “I’m glad I went to mass this afternoon,” said Renee and took a sip of tea. “The monsignor’s words uplifted me and he sang like an angel. I could actually feel the presence of a higher power in the midst. I hope this time God answers my prayer.”

  Brenda nodded, “Me too.”

  “I finally realize what you’ve been saying all along, Brenda. I need more than my psychotherapeutic textbook training to get me through problems in life.”

  “Yes, prayer is powerful. We all need the Lord’s unconditional love, his guidance and protection, especially during these uncertain times. If we pray and believe, he’ll see us through anything … in His time though, not ours. He’s the one in control, you know.”

  “So they say,” said Renee, nodding in agreement as if she finally understood. “One thing’s for sure, I’m certainly not in control.”

  “Has something happened to make you renew your faith, Dr. Renee?”

  Renee smiled down into her cup and encircled it with both hands as the heat warmed her palms. “Yes, Brenda. Something wonderful has happened.” Renee looked up and met Brenda’s curious eyes, “Believe it or not, at 45 years old,” she stopped, filled up with tears. She suddenly realized Brenda would be the first person she told. This would seal a bond between them. “…Brenda, I’m pregnant. I can hardly believe it myself after all these years of wishing for it to happen again.” Renee’s face lit up upon sharing her news.

  Brenda leaped from her chair and gave Renee a tight embrace. “I’m so happy for you. Don’t worry about anything,” beamed Brenda, “I’ll be there to help you. I can even be your LaMaze coach if you need one, but I guess your husband will want that privilege.”

  “I don’t expect any special treatment. You have your own family to take care of.” Renee glanced down at the sleeping baby in the carrier seat and smiled. “I’ll be just fine. As for my husband, he doesn’t know yet.”

  “Well, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to hear your news when he gets back from India.”

  “I hope so but I pray that I can carry this pregnancy to term. I’m not as young as I used to be and I’ve had problems in the past. I don’t think I could stand it if I lost this baby.”

  “Don’t worry Dr. Renee, God won’t put more on us than we can handle. You deserve to be happy. I couldn’t survive losing my baby either,” said Brenda smiling down at her fat-cheeked son, “For me, having Justin is my biggest joy.”

  “Enough about my news, Brenda. Forgive me for rambling on about myself when you obviously wanted to talk to me about something. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you called last night. What can I help you with dear?”

  Brenda stared down at her folded hands resting on top the table and hesitated. Renee put down her cup then spoke to Brenda in a comforting voice. “You can trust me, Brenda. Just tell me what’s on your mind.”

  After a few moments Brenda’s eyes clouded as she told Renee the whole ugly story about her husband, Jerome—about how she found out from talking to Jerome’s boss last night that he got fired from his job—about how she later discovered that he was at Leenae’s, his ex-girlfriend’s apartment, not at work where she expected him to be.

  “Dr. Renee, I really thought things were going pretty good for us. You know Veda works at UDS too, right?” Brenda felt encouraged by Dr. Renee’s nod and the caring look in her eyes. “Well, I had asked Veda to keep an eye on him at work and let me know if she noticed any sign of trouble. I know I shouldn’t have been spying on my husband, but I wanted to make sure he stayed on the straight and narrow.”

  While confiding her troubles to Dr. Renee, Brenda suddenly realized how desperate she must sound. Still, she couldn’t seem to stop herself from revealing all the ugly details. Fortunately, Dr. Renee remained silent and non-judgmental. Somehow it made Brenda feel better to get it all out. Brenda recited the lie that Jerome had first told her when he finally came home at six o’clock that morning—that he’d been assigned to an overnight run. When Brenda let him know that she had already spoken to his boss, Jerome confessed about being let go.

  “Naturally, I confronted him about where he’d really been all night,” said Brenda, getting teary-eyed. “He didn’t deny where he’d been, but he claimed he was an innocent victim. Said his supervisor hated him—that’s why she fired him. He said he never had problems when he reported to his uncle.” Brenda sighed and dabbed at her eyes with the napkin.

  “Of course, he didn’t mention anything about failing a random drug test until I let him know that I already knew the truth about why his boss had fired him.”

  “Did he admit to taking drugs?” asked Dr. Renee.

  Brenda shook her head. “I love my husband, Dr. Renee, but he is a habitual liar. I don’t know what to believe.”

  “What did Jerome say happened?”

  Brenda shrugged then looked downward as she spoke. “He kept insisting that the so-called random drug test had to be wrong. He said his boss had it in for him from the start. He was angry and stressed out about getting fired and that’s why he gave in to his ex-girlfriend, only once, he claims—to the free drugs that Leenae offered to him.” Even as she relayed her husband’s excuse for his actions, Brenda knew it sounded feeble and lame. “Jerome begged me to give him another chance and to help him be strong.”

  “I see,” said Dr. Renee, circling the rim of her cup with her finger. “Do you know what you’re going to do now?”

  Brenda looked up. “Honestly, I don’t know what to do, Dr. Renee. This isn’t the first time Jerome has screwed up. But like a fool I really believed all our problems were over and that he’d truly changed. Apparently, I was wrong.” Brenda avoided Dr. Renee’s stare once more so she wouldn’t have to see the pity in her employer’s eyes. “Maybe you could give me the name of a good marriage counselor. I know Jerome would be too embarrassed to talk to you about what h
e’s done, Dr. Renee,” said Brenda.

  Renee had listened quietly without interjecting her opinion. Other than a few questions now and then, the only sound she made was from stirring her tea as the spoon scraped against her tea cup. Brenda wept softly, and Renee took her hand, still without speaking. Renee wasn’t surprised when Brenda asked her to recommend a marriage counselor. She understood why Brenda would want to see someone neutral since Jerome might feel like he was outnumbered if she counseled the couple, being Brenda’s employer. Renee felt relieved that Brenda asked for a referral.

  She resisted the urge to explain to her secretary that she was in denial. Better to let another professional do that, Renee thought. She would recommend someone well qualified and let that other therapist help Brenda see what was obvious to everyone else. Brenda’s story sounded like so many other women she had counseled in the past who described their parasitic and selfish mates. These women stayed in relationships stemmed in neglect, lies or serious abuse. It always turned out the same. Like Brenda, they waited, prayed, and hoped for miraculous personality changes in their men. Instead, they got mistreated or disappointed time and time again. As Renee let these observations about Brenda stew around in her head, she quickly dismissed the question that arose from her intellectual mind. How was she any different in expecting Bill to change and become someone he clearly was not? Wasn’t she too, in denial?

  Renee closed her eyes momentarily and willed herself to remain focused on Brenda without making comparisons to herself. Yes, she would let another psychologist help Brenda realize the inevitable truth about her husband, Jerome—that he was probably the type of guy who would always shoot holes in her lifeboat. Brenda was smart, pretty, and ambitious. She worked hard, studied computer technology to improve her career opportunities and took care of her son with almost no help. Renee didn’t understand why she kept going back to a man like Jerome who was too dense to simply climb on board so that his very capable wife could save them both. Instead, he seemed determined to drag his family down. She didn’t know Brenda’s husband that well, had only met him a few times but she was still angry at the pain he caused Brenda.