Blind Delusion

by Dorothy Phaire

  “Okay, you can do this Renee. Just take it step-by-step,” she said aloud to herself. Renee bent down and lifted the top edge of the Sari and tucked it into the petticoat just as step 1 described. So far so good. But at step 2 she immediately ran into a snag. The directions said to tuck about a yard of the Sari to the left, back and front again in the top edge all around, keeping the lower edge in the same level. Renee switched from the left side to the right, then from right to left several times but couldn’t make sense of the correct way to drape the cloth. Finally, she simply wrapped and tucked around her waist a few times.

  The lower edge of her fabric dragged the floor instead of reaching just below the petticoat like the picture showed. To correct that problem, Renee started the circular tucking all over again and pushed in a few more inches until the border did not sweep the floor. The last thing she wanted was to trip over her own feet. When she got to step 3 and read the folding of the pleats part, Renee almost lost her nerve to continue. It looked like she’d need the multiple arms of an octopus to be able to fold those pleats. But she wasn’t ready to give up yet. Her unborn baby counted on her to succeed in this mission to keep mommy and daddy together.

  The directions for step 3 read, Hold the edge of the sari in your right hand with your forefinger straight. With your left hand bring the edge of the sari over your forefinger of your right hand and back under the thumb of your right hand. This is your first pleat. Now use another 2.5 yards to fashion seven to eight more pleats just like the first. Renee tied her fingers in knots trying to make the required number of pleats. To make matters worse her first pleats fell apart before she finished the remaining folds.

  “You’ve got to be kidding,” she said aloud and tossed the instruction sheet on the bed.

  Frustrated, Renee took out her sewing kit and fastened together her own makeshift pleats with safety pins. After tucking the edges of the ‘pinned together’ pleats inside her petticoat she read where the directions said … The pleats should face towards the left and fall gracefully to level with the rest of your sari. The pleats can be pinned to the petticoat about 2 inches below the waist.

  “Now you tell me I can use pins! It figures,” said Renee aloud, laughing at herself.

  Since she had already fastened her pleats together with pins, she re-did the pins and this time attached them to her petticoat. When finally finished with this step, Renee checked her image in the mirror. Instead of the uniform, flowing pleats depicted in the picture, her bulky pleats made her look like a potbellied pig.

  Renee spoke to her image in the mirror, “All right Mata Hari, let’s move on to step 6 and see what’s in store for us next. It can’t get any worse.” Step 6 instructed her to take the remaining 2.5 yards to the left and around the back. Pass it under the right arm and across the front. Then throw the ‘Pallu’ which it called the decorated end piece of the sari and drape the pallu over the left hand side shoulder and let it fall casually to just above the back of the knee. It said the wearer could pin her pallu to her blouse on the left hand side shoulder.

  Renee took a deep breath before tackling this final step. Just as she suspected, the fabric did not drape flawlessly over her left shoulder and fall nicely down her back as the instructions indicated. After wrapping and re-wrapping umpteen times, she nearly strangled herself trying to get it to swing from the back and across her neck to the left.

  “This is clearly a task that requires a level of expertise that I don’t have,” said Renee and threw up her arms. She collapsed on the bed and noticed that it was almost 7 o’clock. She still had to reheat the food and arrange it in the china platters as if she had prepared the meal herself and light the dinner candles. Chizuko threw out all the restaurant’s bags but if Bill saw the food in microwave-able dishes he’d know something was up in the culinary department. So far everything had gone wrong. She looked nothing like the beautiful Indian model in the picture. In fact, she looked more like a desecrated mummy who had escaped from her tomb. How seductive was that?

  The clock stuck seven. Renee was about to give up and unwrap herself from the yards of fabric when she got another idea. She studied the picture again and wished she had paid more attention to Aunt Clara’s sewing lessons when she was nine. Renee threaded a needle with purple thread and began sewing the top of the fabric to her blouse to imitate the draped effect as closely as possible. This way it wouldn’t come apart before she could wrap it correctly. For once she was glad Bill was late getting in. Thirty minutes later Renee grinned at the finished outcome as she stood before the mirror. “Now that’s what having a logical, problem-solving, psychologist’s mind gets you,” she said to herself with satisfaction.

  Renee carefully descended the stairs in her beautiful Sari and placed the bowls of food in the microwave. She lit the dining room candles and fantasized about how their evening together would end once upstairs in their bedroom. Perhaps she’d wait until that ‘moment’ to tell him her news. She lovingly dished out the meal and garnished the dishes with sprigs of parsley. Just as she had finished wiping up her mess in the kitchen and made sure the atmosphere looked inviting, an uncontrollable urge came over her to urinate. Damn, if only she hadn’t been drinking so much water all day. Renee looked down at her neatly pinned and sewn together Sari and her eyes went wild when she realized there was no easy way to get out of it. This time she really had mummified herself.

  “Now what Mata Hari?” said Renee frowning, “How are you supposed to pee in this getup? So much for your logical psychologist’s mind.” She practically tripped up the stairs trying to race to the bathroom. She couldn’t risk untangling herself in the powder room downstairs. Bill was due to walk in any second. If she was careful maybe she could undo just the necessary parts and keep most of her Sari intact.

  Bill walked through the door at 7:15 and dropped his bags at the foyer entrance. He noticed the subdued lights, fragrant smells, and mellow music that greeted him before he even saw Renee. He walked cautiously through the hallway and called her name. He poked his head in the dining room and his eyes gleamed in disbelief when he saw an Indian gourmet dinner on fine china plates spread out on a beautifully set table with flowers and lit candles.

  As Renee came out of the bathroom she heard a rumbling noise outside. When she drew back the drapes and saw a minivan parked in the driveway, she wondered why Bill hadn’t taken a taxi home instead of renting a minivan.

  Bill looked mesmerized as Renee carefully descended the staircase dressed in her exquisite outfit. Before she even reached the bottom platform, he grabbed her and kissed her with an anxious longing that Renee regarded as strange behavior coming from him even if he had been away for seven days. He held her at arm’s length and gazed admiringly.

  “Wow, baby. You went through all this trouble for me,” he said and kissed her forehead, “The dress, food, candlelight, the music? I guess you did miss me a little.”

  “I want to show you just how much after dinner, darling,” she said and drew her body into his where he instinctively enclosed his arms around her waist.

  Bill pulled a small, carved box from his jacket pocket and snapped it open to reveal a gold bracelet studded with crystal. “Here’s part two of your birthday present, Hon.”

  “Oh, Bill, thank you. It’s lovely and so is the Sari. Everything’s perfect.”

  Just as she lifted her chin to kiss him again, someone knocked timidly on the door.

  “Oh, sweetheart, there’s something I should tell you. I wish I’d known you were planning all this because I’d have told you to put everything on hold for tonight.”

  “What do you mean?” She frowned and stepped back.

  “Well, it’s like this, Babe. With our flight being delayed I didn’t have much time to make other arrangements, so I had to bring my twelve boot camp recruits home with me. They’re a little grungy and tired and probably starving because the food on the plane was l
ousy. Bottom line—Shaw said I gotta have my recruits cleaned up and ready by eight o’clock tomorrow morning to present to him and a group of executives from several top IT firms.”

  Renee stood transfixed, too shocked to speak as Bill continued to explain.

  “So Babe, the fellas need a place to shower and dress in the morning. We’ve got more than enough space to let them sleep here for one night. Tomorrow I’ll get them settled in their own apartments in Alexandria. Anyway, that’s probably one of the guys at the door now.”

  The knock sounded again, a little louder this time. Bill walked to the front door and swung it open. A slight, brown-skinned young man with jet-black straight hair, keen features, an unshaven chin and wearing a wrinkled white shirt, stood with hands clasped in front of him. He stepped timidly through the door when Bill invited him inside.

  “Ah, Mahesh, I’d like to introduce you to my wife,” said Bill as he motioned for his trainee to come closer.

  “Renee, Mahesh here is being trained in Oracle RDBMS, relational database, performance tuning, security, and structure change control, among other things. He’ll be groomed as one of our top Database Administrators.”

  Bill may as well have been speaking in the ancient language of Etruscan for as much as she understood. The young man pressed his palms together below his chin, with fingers pointing upwards and bowed slightly to greet Renee in a soft-spoken voice, “Namaste, Shreemati.”

  Renee smiled politely and nodded her head. “Hello. Welcome to the United States.”

  “Tandoori chicken? It smells and feels just like home,” Mahesh grinned.

  “That it does, Son. Doesn’t Mrs. Hayes look lovely in the Sari I bought her? Mahesh helped me pick out the most exquisite garment at the boutique.”

  Mahesh bowed and smiled to confirm his agreement.

  “He’s one of the brightest of our new recruits,” said Bill, “You’ve gotta be pretty sharp to land a Database Administrator trainee position, right Mahesh?”

  “If you say, respected Professor. You are most generous.”

  “Mahesh, will you please excuse my husband and me for a moment so that I can speak to him privately?”

  “I apologize for the intrusion,” said Mahesh, “May I be excused now Professor? I will wait with the others outside in the van until you summon us.”

  “Yes, that’s probably a good idea. Ask the guys to wait a few more minutes until I speak to my wife. I’ll be outside shortly. What was it that you needed?”

  “Nothing that cannot wait, respected Professor,” said Mahesh softly. He bowed his head to his professor and Mrs. Hayes before quickly exiting as he could clearly detect the tension on the face of his Professor’s wife. The new technical recruit slipped quietly out the door, regretting his intrusion and offer to find out if one of his fellow trainees in the van would be able to use the restroom facilities as he had neglected to relieve himself at the airport when they landed. Mahesh would simply inform his fellow recruit that their Professor would be returning to the van momentarily and would provide further instructions, so he would just have to hold it.

  “Bill, are you insane? All those men outside cannot stay here tonight. My whole evening for you is ruined. We agreed when we got back together that we’d try to make our marriage work. I don’t see this as trying. Unless you’re trying to upset me!”

  “I understand how disappointed you are, Babe. I’ll take them to a Motel Six or someplace for the night. Those discount motels always have rooms available for reasonable rates and the guys can double up. They won’t mind. I’m sorry Renee. I had no idea you planned a romantic evening alone with me tonight.” He tried to caress her once more but this time she was not receptive and pushed his hand away.

  “You’ve been gone a whole week. Why wouldn’t I want to be alone with my husband? Obviously, you don’t feel the same way.” She blew out the candles on the table and began removing the serving platters of food. She shoved everything in the refrigerator, ignoring Bill’s attempt to explain as he followed after her.

  “I do, Renee. But Shaw has been relentless over the past few days. I need you to be supportive right now. Once I get my foot firmly in the door of upper management, I can start calling the shots at Techands. Baby, I’ve got to make my company a success. I don’t have anything else to fall back on if this doesn’t work.”

  Renee put down the bowl of rice on the kitchen counter and turned to face him as she spoke. “I want to be supportive of you Bill, but I also need you to be supportive of my needs. This wasn’t the way I planned to tell you my news but it looks like I have no choice because you just don’t get what’s really important.”

  “What are you talking about?” he held his hands out, imploring her to enlighten him.

  “Come upstairs with me and I’ll show you.” He followed her upstairs to their bedroom. Renee slid open her vanity and retrieved the pregnancy test stick out of the top drawer. She held up a green tip stick in front of him. Bill looked at her even more confused.

  “What the hell is that?”

  “It’s the results of a home pregnancy test I took last Saturday.” Renee studied the confused look on Bill’s face as he stared blankly at the stick.

  “The what?”

  “Bill, we’re going to have a baby,” she grinned, not able to hide her excitement despite her irritation with her husband.

  Bill stood motionless and wore a blank look on his face. Renee still could not read his reaction at first. She held her breath. Then it became clear.

  Bill’s face contorted sharply as he asked, “When?”

  “I don’t know the exact date,” she said, “I haven’t been to the doctor yet. My appointment is 10:30 on Monday morning at Sibley Memorial Hospital. Can you come with me, Darling? They’re going to do a sonogram. We’ll actually be able to see our developing baby in utero, that means in the uterus.”

  “I know what it means Renee. I’m not stupid. Anyway, Monday morning is bad for me.”

  “What do you mean … bad for you?”

  “Look, this shit isn’t fair. You always knew how I felt about raising a kid and now that I’m over fifty, the idea is even more ridiculous.”

  “Ridiculous? How can you say those words to me?” she said as tears streamed down her cheeks. She turned away as she spoke. “This is what I’ve always wanted.”

  “Well, I don’t want it. So it looks like we have a serious problem,” he said grimly and folded his arms. “You’ve got a choice to make, Renee,” said Bill sternly, “You can’t be that far along in this pregnancy so I know it’s not too late to take care of it.”

  “I hope you don’t mean what I think you mean,” she frowned. “Can’t we at least go see my therapist, Dr. Stone, for joint marriage counseling and discuss it?”

  “What for? I don’t intend to change my mind about this. Not ever. So going to talk to your shrink would just be a big waste of time.”

  “The least you could do is try, Bill,” she said, through her tears, “I’ve already thought of a name. If it’s a boy we can call him Nathan, meaning the gift from God. That’s truly what I feel this baby is for us … a gift from God.”

  Bill sneered sarcastically, “Isn’t it a bit early to be picking out baby names? You’re not even showing.”

  He paced the floor. “I guess you’re forgetting what the doctor said five years ago. If you got pregnant again it would probably end up being another ectopic pregnancy and it could risk your life. Renee, if you’re determined to go through with this nonsense at your age, I won’t have anything to do with it and you’ll be on her own.”

  “Then I’ll be on my own.” She glared as she faced him.

  “Fine. I’ll pack some clean shirts and stay at the motel with the guys tonight.”

  Bill hastily removed a stack of folded, boxed shirts from his dresser and threw them i
nto his overnight bag without uttering another word. He slammed the dresser drawer shut. Renee grabbed his arm frantically to try to get him to stop but he pushed her arm away and proceeded towards the door.

  “You can’t just leave me tonight after what I’ve told you and go off with your trainees. Why can’t we discuss this situation? I don’t understand your feelings. Did something terrible happen to you as a child to make you feel this way? Please Bill, I beg you to trust me and open up about why you don’t want your own child.”

  “Jesus, Renee, can you stop psychoanalyzing me all the time? I’ve just spent twenty hours traveling. I’ve got a bunch of foreigners outside in the van that have never been to the States. How can you expect me to deal with this now for chrissakes?”

  “And I’ve just spent all day trying to make your homecoming special. Don’t I mean anything to you? Is my happiness so trivial?” Renee threw up her arms in despair. She pulled off the draped garment from her shoulder and threw it at him, though it only fell to the floor at his feet.

  Without answering any of her questions, Bill walked out of the bedroom, carrying his overnight bag with a shirt cuff still hanging out. He ran down the stairs and slammed the front door behind him. When she heard the van pull off, Renee sank to the floor and leaned her back against the mattress edge and cried. She had left the radio playing on a low volume while getting dressed earlier. Now she heard Luther VanDross crooning the lyrics from one of his old hits, ‘A House is Not a Home.’ Renee buried her face in her hands and sobbed. It seemed as though things had disintegrated over night, when in reality she knew their problems had been simmering on a slow boil for years. Just as Luther’s song sorrowfully expressed a feeling of emptiness, she knew Bill would not be coming back home tonight and maybe not ever.