Blind Delusion

by Dorothy Phaire

  “I’m very sorry, sweetheart,” he pulled her into him, hugging her gently. Then, he leaned back in order to look directly in her eyes, “You know, there could be other reasons you feel loneliness in your life,” he hesitated, then continued, “Many women lead happy, fulfilled lives without giving birth to a child. But if that’s really what you want, have you considered adoption?”

  “Bill’s vehemently against adoption. In fact, it’s clear to me now he’ll never want children at all, not his or anyone else’s. He moved out a few days ago when I told him I was pregnant. That’s why he didn’t meet me at the hospital for my appointment this morning. I guess he’ll be relieved when he finds out there’s no baby after all.”

  “I don’t understand why he didn’t come with you today. It doesn’t make sense for a man not to want his own child,” said Deek, shaking his head.

  “Bill never did want children. In the beginning of our marriage, I endured years of biopsies, medications, temperature record-keeping, and other invasive procedures to try to conceive. Each time a procedure failed, Bill seemed glad and kept telling me to give it up. He didn’t even attempt to comfort me afterwards.”

  “Renee, I can’t discuss your husband with you,” said Deek, trying to hide his annoyance, “It’s against my principles and besides I might say something I’d regret later like what an insensitive asshole he is. It’s not fair that someone like him has a woman like you that he doesn’t appreciate.” He paused. “I’ve told you how much I love you, but for some reason you don’t believe it or maybe you just don’t feel that way about me,” said Deek.

  “I do love you as much as I can. But it’s more complicated than that. Bill and I have a history together. I know what to expect. It’s … it’s complicated to just sever all those years.”

  “Renee, we could begin a history together too and it could start today. A baby isn’t going to complete your life if you still don’t feel valued by the man you’re married to who’s supposed to value you more than anyone or anything else. I don’t understand why you stay with him when all I want to do is love and cherish you the way you deserve.” Deek threw up his hands, “See, I’m overstepping my bounds again and saying too much. Just please believe me when I tell you I’ll always be here for you.”

  “Right.” Renee was suddenly angry. “Until someone younger and prettier like Sasha or your new FBI partner, what’s her name. Until a woman comes along in your life who can give you children. Who are we kidding Deek? This was my last chance at motherhood. I’m too old for this and I can never give you the family you’ll certainly want one day. I see how you are with children, even ones that are not your own. I just can’t allow myself to fall deeply in love with you, then later get my heart broken. It’s bad enough losing every baby I ever conceived but I know I couldn’t survive losing you.” Renee began to tear up again, then swiftly wiped her eyes. “What you think you feel for me now is not a lifetime commitment,” she said harshly.

  Deek shot up from the bench and raised his voice at her for the first time. He didn’t seem to care about the strangers who turned around to look at him.

  “Don’t tell me how I feel or what I want. I’m a grown man and I’ve had enough relationships with women to know what I want and what I don’t want. I’m not some kid playing games with you. My age has nothing to do with it, but you persist on penalizing me for being younger than you are.”

  He sat back down on the bench and took a moment to calm down. His face grew somber but without anger. Looking away from her, he stared reflectively at nothing. He then spoke some words in French that she did not understand. Though it sounded very beautiful when he spoke, there was unmistakable pain in his voice.

  “C’est bien la pire peine,

  De ne savoir pourquoi,

  Sans amour et sans haine,

  Mon coeur a tant de peine.”

  Renee turned to him, perplexed. “What?” she asked.

  Deek lowered his head into his hand and spoke without looking at her. “It’s nothing. Just part of a poem a 19th century French poet named Verlaine wrote. I remember it because my grandmother used to recite it all the time when I was a kid.” He lifted his head and looked out, thoughtfully. “Let’s just say I can relate to it. Il est temps pour moi de laisser aller,” Deek whispered to himself. From the anguished expression on Deek’s face as he spoke the first language he learned as a child, Renee knew he was hurting inside. She didn’t have to understand French to know that. She wanted to ask him what the words meant, but at this point it really didn’t matter. After a moment of complete stillness, he rose from the bench and offered her his hand.

  “Come, I’ll hail a cab to take you home,” he said, calmly. “If you change your mind and need someone to talk too, call me. I assume you still have my number.”

  She waited on the sidewalk while he practically ran into the middle of the street to stop the next taxi that whizzed towards him. The taxi came to a screeching halt. Deek opened the rear door and Renee walked slowly as he held the door for her. After she slid into the back seat, he slammed the door shut. Deek pulled out his wallet and handed the driver a twenty-dollar bill.

  “Take her home, buddy,” he said, “She’ll give you the address.”

  Renee leaned out the window, “Deek, I’m sorry. I can’t explain right now …”

  “Forget it, Renee. Falling in love is just like living. Sometimes it requires risks and heartache. There’s no playing it safe when it comes to love or life. Apparently, you just don’t love me enough to take that risk.” Deek tapped the hood of the cab and motioned for the driver to pull off. Then he turned and walked briskly back up Loughboro Road towards his car.

  Chapter 20

  Deek drove down Pennsylvania Avenue towards F. B. I. headquarters with one hand casually on the steering wheel and the other positioned on the clutch. He couldn’t help thinking about Renee as he drove. Deek shook his head as he thought aloud, I should have taken her home myself.” Oblivious to the traffic he felt more confused than furious. “I don’t get it. What kind of man wouldn’t even show up at his wife’s first sonogram appointment?” Deek slowed down and came to a smooth stop at the red light. Renee—pregnant! He still couldn’t wrap his mind around that declaration. And, to think the baby that Renee loss could have been his. He rested his forehead against his clenched fist while waiting for the light to change. Deek swallowed the lump in his throat that settled like a rock at the pit of his stomach. If he felt this bad about her lost pregnancy, he couldn’t imagine how horrible she must be feeling right now. When the light turned green he took off—grateful for the heavy traffic that allowed him more time to think.

  He didn’t understand why Renee couldn’t bring herself to believe that he really did love her, that their age difference made no difference to him. He came in contact with beautiful women his own age all the time, but had always felt that something was missing. Perhaps, it was simply a sense of vulnerability that he felt unexplainably drawn to. Renee made him feel important and more than that, she made him feel needed. She was beautiful and gentle-spirited and her vulnerability made him want to wrap his arms around her and keep her safe forever. But she didn’t believe that feeling would be enough to sustain his love. It wasn’t that he couldn’t find that same need with a young woman his own age. It was just that so far he hadn’t found it with anyone else but her.

  Deek glanced at his ‘hands free’ mobile phone and thought about pressing the button to activate the voice command that would automatically dial her up. But Renee’s parting words rang out in his ears and he hesitated to place the call. “Deek, I’m too old for you. I won’t ever be able to give you the children you’ll certainly want one day. I just can’t allow myself to fall deeply in love with you then later get my heart broken when you leave.” Suddenly, his anger at her overwhelmed him and he had to come to a screeching halt at the next red light. How could she allow her
insecurities to come between them? He asked himself. She was dead wrong! He knew he would never leave her. Then a disturbing thought entered his head. If Renee hadn’t already been married and unavailable, would he have still pursued her?

  He pulled into the building’s parking lot and found a spot to park. He turned off the ignition and sat there for a few moments thinking about this question that had drifted into his thoughts. “Maybe you’re just kidding yourself, Deek.” the voice inside his head replied. “Maybe, the fact that she’s married and won’t let go is part of the attraction.” He closed his eyes and honestly considered the possibility that he was obsessed with having this woman only because she was already married to somebody else. Then, he shook his head. No. That wasn’t it. He grabbed his jacket from the seat, got out, and pressed the automatic lock switch. Once he entered through the secure access and stepped on the second floor of the J. Edgar Hoover building, he could no longer indulge in his personal thoughts about Renee.

  When Renee arrived home from the hospital, she slowly climbed the long, spiral staircase to her bedroom, clutching the banister for support. She stripped naked and searched through the blindness of her tears for her favorite cotton nightgown. She went into the bathroom and retrieved the Lexapro from her medicine cabinet and dropped one of the tablets into her hand, then gulped it down with a handful of tap water from the sink. She returned to her bedroom and slipped into bed in the middle of the day and closed her eyes, trying to induce her mind to erase Dr. Eckbert’s news that there was no baby developing in her uterus. But she couldn’t get the words out of her mind and for several minutes sleep’s sweet escape eluded her. Renee spent the next half hour tossing in bed. After a fitful hour of sleep, she awoke groggy and glanced at the clock. She realized she had just enough time to dress and mentally prepare herself for her afternoon appointments that were still on the appointment book. She had no idea how she would get through those sessions, listening to other people’s complaints that today seemed so miniscule in comparison to her own problems.

  After her last patient left, she crawled back into bed with no desire for food even though she hadn’t eaten all day. The only gratifying moment in her entire day had been seeing the progress she made with her newest patient, 15 year old Heather Hollingsworth. The pregnant teenager had been referred to her just a few weeks ago, feeling confused, unloved, and withdrawn. Today, Heather told Renee during therapy that she had decided to stay in school and keep her baby. The bonding activities that Renee had suggested to Heather’s parents two weeks ago had begun to strengthen the family’s communication. Remarkably, both parents agreed to be there to support their daughter in her decision to keep and raise her child. Heather accepted the fact that her carefree life would drastically change and she would be facing adult responsibilities once her baby was born. Renee was happy that Heather received the support she needed and did not have to experience the pain she herself went through when she got pregnant at 16 and Aunt Clara took care of the problem while she slept in a drugged-induced state, completely unaware of what was happening to her body. Renee wiped her eyes and forced herself not to think about her past or her bleak future. Even though she couldn’t seem to save her own life, she was glad she could save someone else’s.

  Suddenly, Renee’s cell phone on her night stand rang. She wanted to ignore it, but out of habit she picked it up and glanced at the name of the caller to see who was calling on her private number. It was her former patient, Veda Simms. Renee sat up in bed and answered it. “Hello Veda. How may I help you? Is everything going okay at your new job?” She tried to disguise her misery by sounding upbeat.

  “Hi Dr. Renee. Yeah, I suppose things are okay. Other than my supervisor thinking she’s running a slave camp,” said Veda. “Dr. Renee, I wish you would come down here one day to this circus where I work at and see for yourself the type of lunatics they put in charge over here. But that’s not why I called …” Veda’s voice sounded anxious. She was never one to beat around the bush so she launched into the reason for her call. “Dr. Renee, there’s something that’s been bothering me for the past few weeks now. I finally realize unless I tell somebody, it’s gonna eat me up, knowing what I know.” Veda hesitated just long enough to catch her breath. “Dr. Renee, I think Brenda’s husband might be in some kinda trouble and I’m not sure what I should do about it, if anything.”

  “What are you talking about?” Renee asked with concern. “Where are you now?”

  “I’m still at work, but I had to come outside to call you from my cell phone because I think our desk phones are being recorded on the pretense that we’re not suppose to be using business lines for personal calls. Whatever,” said Veda glibly. Then, she continued explaining her purpose for calling. “I only have five minutes. I’m on my last break of the day, so let me get right to the point.” Veda sucked in a deep breath and let it out before resuming. “A few weeks ago I was taking my normal cigarette break when I saw Brenda’s husband, you know Jerome, right?”

  “Actually, I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting the gentleman,” said Renee. “I only know what Brenda has shared with me.”

  “Okay, I can tell from what you just said Dr. Renee that you don’t know much about Jerome Johnson,” said Veda, with an edge of sarcasm. “Anyway, like I said I saw Jerome outside talking to these three hood rats. I keep to myself around there, and I usually go to this isolated spot, pass the loading dock and across from an alley that sits between these two huge warehouse-looking buildings. It stays kinda dark in that alley no matter what time of day it is because those two big buildings block out the sun.”

  “Umhum,” Renee responded, with the cell phone barely touching her ear.

  “Anyway, to make a long story short that’s where I saw them, standing not more than 25 feet away from me at the end of the alley. I also noticed a blue Jaguar XK8 parked off from the street and I assume that was their ride.”

  “Whah … What … did you do?” Renee said in a groggy voice, now starting to feel the effects of the Lexapro she had taken earlier in the afternoon.

  “I didn’t make a sound, Dr. Renee. I just stood back, watched and listened. One of ‘em was short, dark and had a head full of crinkly dreads. He had a little pointed face like a rat and he was the one all up in Jerome’s face. Rat-face was threatening him about something but I couldn’t make out what they were arguing about because I wanted to keep back and make sure they didn’t look up the alley and spot me eavesdropping on them. The other fella was this fine baby-faced Brother and he seemed to be the one in charge. And, the third dude could have been Puerto Rican or Mexican or something. But they all looked like they had criminal intent on their mind.”

  “You know … that wasn’t smart, Veda,” Renee said just above a whisper, “You being there.”

  “I know. I know. I didn’t stick around long because I wasn’t sure if they were gonna drive back up the alley where I was standing. So I slipped away quietly. I haven’t told anybody but you until just now.”

  “Are you absolutely sure no one saw you?”

  “Umm … I’m pretty sure,” said Veda, unconvincingly. “Later that day, I tried to find Jerome in the break room to talk to him about it, but someone said he had gone out on a last minute run to deliver some packages. Dr. Renee, I don’t know if I should tell Brenda what I saw or just keep my nose out of it. That was a few weeks ago and rumor has it that Jerome got fired for drug use. Those dudes in the alley looked like drug dealers to me. Maybe everything blew over and Jerome’s got it under control. Brenda’s my girl and all. I don’t wanna worry her for no good reason. But that husband of hers has a habit of getting himself into trouble. Besides, Brenda gets a little testy whenever me or Cha-Cha try to give her advice where Jerome is concerned. What do you think I should do, Dr. Renee? Should I just try to forget about it?”

  After having listened as closely as she could to the entire story, Renee said, “What do you think
you should do, Veda?”

  “Damnit, Dr. Renee,” Veda shouted, “Can you for once not act like my shrink? I need you to tell me what to do. Brenda’s one of my best friends and she’s your secretary for Chrissakes. I thought you cared about her. Was I wrong to assume that?” Renee could feel Veda’s irritation with her. She knew Veda wanted a direct answer based on her professional opinion but Renee was in no position to give any more advice today. She began to feel tightness in her chest and shortness of breath. She placed her hand over her heart and recognized the familiar symptoms of anxiety. She took shallow breaths while staring at the bottle of Lexapro that rested on its side within her open nightstand drawer and debated whether or not she should take another pill. Right now she knew of nothing else that could so quickly and effectively knock out this enormous pain she was feeling. Tears welled up in her eyes and she blinked a few times to see more clearly. She grabbed a handful of tissues from the box on the nightstand and pressed the tissues to her face to try to mask the sound of her sobbing and sniffles. She hoped Veda would simply say good-bye and hang up. As long as she didn’t have to utter any more words, perhaps she could keep it together for a few moments longer. Veda was already upset with her so what did it matter if she remained silent on the line?

  “Dr. Renee? Are you there?” Renee could tell that Veda’s voice had softened. “You’re not crying are you? You are crying! Tell me what’s wrong. I’m sorry I yelled at you. I had no right to do that. Dr. Renee? Dr. Renee! I know you didn’t hang up. Speak it me.” Veda talked into empty air because Renee was afraid that her voice would betray her if she tried to speak now. She took a deep breath and wiped her face with more tissue. The one balled up in her palm was completely drenched from her tears. Finally, she attempted to speak because Veda would apparently not hang up. “I … nothing. I’m … okay.” She managed to stammer out between sniffles.