Radical Shadows

by Bradford Morrow

  “Why! Why! I never. You young scallywags. I should report you to the police,” gasped Mrs. Busybody.

  She then rushed into the house out of sheer humiliation. Mrs. Busybody was a fat old widow whose only amusement was crocheting and sewing. She was also fond of knitting. She didn’t like the movies and took an immediate dislike to anyone who did enjoy them. She also took great delight in reporting children to their mothers over the slightest thing that annoyed her. In other words no one liked her and she was considered a public nuisance and a regular old Busybody.

  We now find Mrs. Busybody at the telephone calling up the different parents of the children who she had caught smoking.

  After doing this she picked up her crocheting and sat down in a rocking chair with an air of accomplishment.

  Just then the doorbell rang and Mrs. Busybody dropped her crocheting and went to answer. “Well! What do you want,” she asked.

  “Telegram for you,” replied the boy.

  “Huh! Well what are you standing there for, hand it here.”

  “Well, er, sign here first please,” the boy asked politely. Mrs. Busybody did as she was told but acted very impatient about it.

  Finally receiving the telegram Mrs. Busybody sat down comfortably to read it. She looked at it and seemed very pleased at receiving a telegram but when she opened it and read its contents she looked as though she had lost her last friend. The telegram read, Dear Mrs. Busybody, Uncle William and I are coming to visit you for Christmas. The kids are coming too. Will arrive tomorrow.

  Love, Lulu Belle

  “Heavens,” cried Mrs. Busybody, “this is terrible. How will I ever get everything fixed up for tomorrow. I didn’t even know they were coming. They are uninvited guests. And bringing all those children too. Let me see, there are seven of them and they all eat like little hogs. OH! gracious me alive what will I ever do. Those people will be the death of me yet.”

  CHAPTER II.

  THE UNINVITED GUEST

  Well, Mrs. Busybody must have found a way of getting her house cleaned up, for the day had arrived and her house was spic and span. Mrs. Busybody was grumbling, as usual, for she never had a smile on her face. She walked out of the house in her Sunday apparel and started toward the railroad station. “Those people! I declare to goodness!” exclaimed Mrs. Busybody. She was soon at the station, inquiring what time the train would arrive. “In another half hour,” replied the station agent. “What! Why these new-fangled things—Now when I was young—!” but she was cut short by a group of young boys running down the gutter splattering muddy water all over the sidewalk, of which she got her share. “Why those young raggimuffins!” she cried. “I shall report you to the police!” And that was just what she did! Seeing an officer across the street she hobbled over to him to report the incident to him. The way she explained to the officer the children had nearly drowned her with mud. “Well,” said the officer, “Let’s get this straight. You say that some kids ran by and splattered mud on you.” “Yes, that’s right, officer,” she said. “They nearly drowned me in it! Not to say the least about ruining my best dress.” “Well,” said the officer, “I guess I’ll have to look into this.” So doing as he said, he began to follow the boys. The first bit of information he gathered was in a drug store where the boys had bought an ice cream apiece and didn’t have sufficient funds to pay for their purchase. And as the druggist said, “He threw them out on their ears.” So the officer went around gathering similar odd pieces of information, until he finally came upon the boys themselves. Grabbing them by the back of their necks he dragged them back to the railroad station, where Mrs. Busybody identified them as she said, those “horrible boys who splattered mud on her Sunday dress.” “Well,” the officer said. “These kids are charged with more than just splattering mud on your dress!” “Well, I never!” exclaimed Mrs. Busybody. “What are these charges?” “Well,” began the officer. “They bought ice cream without paying for it, and broke several store windows, and sneaked up behind a lady and put a lighted firecracker down her dress.” “Why awful terrible children!” exploded Mrs. Busybody. “You should be sent to the reform school!” “That’s just what’s going to happen to them!” roared the officer. And so he walked away dragging the children behind him.

  Mrs. Busybody traveled back to the waiting room and sat down on a bench. She looked at her wrist watch and saw that an hour and a half had passed! “Gracious me alive!!” she said as she got up from the bench and rushed to the station agent and explained to him what had happened. Just as the station agent started his explanation the train roared in! Mrs. Busybody turned around and rushed to the platform! The train stopped to a standstill and the porter stepped down and put the stepper on the platform. There were hideous cries inside the car such as: “Mamma, Mamma! get me some candy!” “Ma! Ma! take me to the movies an’ gimme some candy!” “Shut up Willie! Hush, Andrew!” “Baw! Baw!” “Shut up Oswald! Do you want me to bean you!” “Oh me love, can I have just a teenie weenie drink of rum?” “Be quiet, you lope of a dope!” Pow! Pow! “Please don’t hit me no more,” came Uncle William’s wee little tiny voice. Finally the hoodlum procession came down the platform toward Mrs. Busybody. “Pssst, pssst. Lookit that ole dame!” came a whisper through the crowd. “Blah, Blah!” a troupe of tongues came out at Mrs. Busybody! “Well,” said Mrs. Busybody, “It’s about time you arrived! We’ll all go home now.” As they tramped through the streets they passed by a candy shop. “Baw! Baw! Gimme some candy Ma!” “Couldn’t I have a wee little piece of candy?” spoke Uncle William’s small voice. “Shut up!” Pow! Bang! Lulu Belle’s umbrella broke over Uncle William’s poor head. They finally arrived home and got settled waiting for the further adventures of the following week.

  CHAPTER III.

  UNCLE WILLIAM MAKES TROUBLE

  “William! William! You get up from that bed this minute, you lazy laggert!” “Yes, honey, just a minute,” replied Uncle William’s small voice. “Well you’d better get up this minute before I lam the daylights out of you!” Uncle William got out of bed and put on his pants. He felt in his pockets and saw that his pockets had been thoroughly gone through the night before. Sneaking up to Lulu Belle he said in a meek voice, “Oh! Precious little darling dumpling you are the apple of my eye, the most pretty rose in the garden couldn’t you lend me a quarter so’s I could get me just a little booze.” “Go away, you low-down son of Satan. I ought to turn you upside down and shake all the shinny out of you and make [a] cocktail out of it!” Crash! Bang! “Oh! Oh! honey let me up please! Oh! honey, have mercy on my soul!” Just then Lulu Belle looked up on the mantel and grabbed Mrs. Busybody’s most prized china vase and hurled it at poor Uncle William. Just then old Mrs. Busybody stomped in. When she saw what had happened she almost fainted! “Oh!” she gasped. “Why did you break my china vase on that drunken minded verminous creature! It was ginuine China, I tell you! Ginuine!” Poor Uncle William crouched in a corner in fear! Mrs. Busybody gave Uncle William such a dirty [look] that the poor old man trembled all over in fear. “Come into the next room with me!” said Mrs. Busybody. So poor Uncle William was dragged into the next room and nobody knows what happened then, but it was something terrible!

  Night soon came. Uncle William was locked in his room for the night as usual. It was getting late. Uncle William knew that, for Lulu Belle had stopped telling Mrs. Busybody what she would do to him the next day. It was soon midnight. Uncle William quietly raised the window and jumped out. He ran around the house to see that no one was watching him. Then he quietly crept under Lulu Belle’s window. He ran around the corner. And guess what he ran into. A crap game! He said in a very little voice, “May I join you all?” “Certainly,” said a gruff voice. The game had started. “Come on, seven!” Uncle William’s voice could still be heard far down the street. “Shoot ’er in there!” Uncle William’s voice could still be heard far down the street.

  When the game was over, Uncle William lost everything. “I’m sorry, boys,” he said i
n a small voice. “But I don’t have sufficient funds to pay you all.” “So you don’t, eh!” “Well take this!” Biff! Bang! Ouch! “Let me up! Let me up!” came Uncle William’s small voice. Crack! A liquor bottle broke over Uncle William’s poor head.

  The noise awoke Lulu Belle. She hurried down the street toward them. “You leave my husband alone!” she roared. Bang! Ouch! Stop it! Biff! Pow! Pow!

  When the fight was over Lulu Belle dragged Uncle William back to the house where she locked him in his dingy little room. Lulu Belle attacked Uncle William vigorously! She said, “Why you drunken old lope-eared billy goat! The very idea of you sneaking out, you limb of Satan!”

  After a good beating Uncle William was locked safely in his room and they all went to bed.

  CHAPTER IV.

  THE KIDS MAKE TROUBLE

  “Ma! Ma!” “I want some candy for breakfast!”

  “Well you can’t have it, Ulysses! If you don’t shut up, I’ll knock your block off!” “Mama! Mamma!” “I want a doll!” “Well you can’t have it, Lizzie so shut up before I bean you one.”

  “Ma! Ma! I want some ice cream!” “Ma! please give me some!” “Will you shut up. Lissie!” “Baw! Mamma!” “I don’t want to shut up!” “Baw, Mama!” Whang! Whang! Ouch! Mamma! Ouch! “Now if you younguns don’t stop this bawling and crying, I’m afraid I’m going to have to whip every one of you!” Immediately the room hushed to silence. “Well, now everybody sit down to this breakfast table and eat their breakfast!”

  Mrs. Busybody, who was already at the table, gave them a dirty look as they all sat down, one by one. “Eat your cereal,” Lulu Belle commanded. “Baw! Mamma, I don’t like cereal!” spoke up Lizzie. “I don’t want cereal, I want coffee!” “You can’t have coffee, it’s not good for you!” “Baw! Mamma you’ve been reading those advertisements again!” Lulu Belle got up from the table and pointed her finger at Lizzie. “You eat your cereal, do you hear me! And don’t let me hear you mention coffee again! And if you do, I’ll crown you one!”

  “Ouch! Ma! Tell Oswald to quit pulling my hair!” “Oswald! What do you mean pulling your sister’s hair?” But he continued to pull his sister’s hair. Lulu Belle grasped him by his shoulder and spoke in a sharp voice. “Did you hear me? Let go your sister’s hair!!” Oswald let go the grip on Lizzie’s hair slowly. “Oh! Heck! A fellow can’t even pull anybody’s hair these days!”

  In the meantime, poor Uncle William was eating his breakfast on the mantelpiece, for he was too sore to sit at the table with the rest.

  While back at the table, the so-called hideous cries of the children could be heard. The argument about pulling the hair was still on. Lulu Belle was talking. “Now Oswald, if you want to pull anybody’s hair, pull your brother Andrew’s.” “You do,” piped up Andrew, “and I’ll bust your nose!” “You bust his nose again” (for he had busted Oswald’s nose before) “and I’ll bust that thick big skull of yours!!” There was much argument over “busting Andrew’s skull.” However, it ended with both boys, Oswald and Andrew, getting a sound spanking.

  After breakfast all the children went out in the yard to play. Oswald spied a little boy riding a tricycle across the street and went over to play with him. After playing with the little boy a while Oswald said, “Say, what about you coming to play with us kids on the other side of the street?” “Well, I will ask Mothaw if I can come,” answered the little boy in a British accent. He walked up to a house and rang the door bell. His mother answered it. “What do you want, Selby?” “Mothaw, this little boy wants to know whearther I can come over to Mrs. Busybody’s house to play with him.” “But, er, I suppose so, Selby, dear, but be careful and don’t hurt yourself.” So they were off.

  “What is your full name?” Oswald asked. “Selby Arnold Pifflesniffle,” he answered. “My what a funny name,” laughed Oswald. Little Selby looked displeased at his playmate’s remark.

  They were soon all playing on the lawn. “Let’s have a game of hide and go seek,” said Oswald. “O.K.!” they all shouted. “Selby, You can be it,” said Willie. “I don’t want to be it. I won’t be it!” shouted Selby. “You won’t which?” asked Willie. “I repeat,” said Selby. “I won’t be it.” “So you won’t, eh? Well take this! and this!” Ouch! Bang! Sock! “Let me up! Let me up! Let go my hair! Bloody murder! Ouch! Mothaw! Tell them to let me up!”

  Just then Lulu Belle walked out on the lawn. Squinting one eye, she said, “Willie! you let that child up this instant! And if you don’t I’ll break your bean!” Willie got up off Selby and he ran across the road crying: “Mother! Mother! help I’m dying!”

  While back on the lawn Lulu Belle was giving a lecture. “Now you get in this house this instant and don’t make any more trouble.”

  CHAPTER V.

  THE HOODLUMS LEAVE

  “Now is everything packed?” Lulu Belle was saying. “Yes, me darling, it’s all packed,” William answered meekly. “Well don’t stand there like an idiot, tote those bags out in front of the house.” “Yes, me darling.” After this task was done, Lulu Belle had something else for him to do.

  Finally all the work was completed. Uncle William tiptoed up to Lulu Belle meekly. “Darling,” he began, “Don’t you think that I ought to have a little booze for all this hard labor?” “All right, this once, I’ll let you have it, for your own happiness and enjoyment,” said Lulu Belle. Uncle William was very pleased to hear this, for it was the first time Lulu Belle had ever agreed to let him have whiskey. “But first,” she continued, “you will have to go down to the station to buy the tickets. And on the way back you can get a quarter’s worth of toddy. And here is the $15.00 for the ticket money and here is your quarter for your shinny. Now don’t stay long for the train leaves in an hour, and we be on time.”

  So Uncle William disappeared out the door.

  Lulu Belle went upstairs where the children were. “Now you children hurry up with your baths!” “Baw! Ma! It isn’t Saturday night yet! And I don’t want to take no bath!” “Well you’re going to!” shouted Lulu Belle.

  So all of the kids got in the bath. They all took their baths and got dressed.

  Then Lulu Belle went down to find Uncle William. But Uncle William was nowhere to be found. “William! William! Where are you?” cried Lulu Belle. “Hmm!” she said. “I guess he’s already got the tickets and he’s probably down at that saloon loitering around. Well I guess I will have to go down to the saloon and get him,” she said as she vanished out the door. Arriving at the saloon she said, “Well where are the tickets you big fathead.” “Now don’t get so excited honey I er,” William stammered, “spent five dollars of the money on a wee bit of shinny.”

  “Why you!” howled Lulu Belle, “You dirty son of a satan. I’ll break your backbone you drunken minded verminous creature. I’ll brain you.” We’ll skip what happened then for it was terrible. We now found poor Uncle William in a bed with bandages all over him.

  “Well,” Lulu Belle was saying, “You’ve certainly made a fine mess of everything.” “Yes honey,” came William’s ever so small voice. And continued Lulu Belle, “You’ve spent almost half the ticket money, fortunately though I have enough to get us home through Mrs. Busybody’s kind contribution. We’ve missed the train though but there’s a train leaving at 6 o’clock we’ll take and if it wasn’t for your big thick headedness we wouldn’t be in this mess.” “Yes honey,” answered William meekly. Lulu Belle walked across the room and put something in a spoon and made Uncle William swallow it. After this was done she left the room only to be called back by Uncle William’s calling. “Well what is it?” she asked. “Honey,” he asked sympathetically, “Will you please send Willie down to the book store and get this book for my Christmas present?” He handed her a slip of paper which had the title of the book on it. “Well alright,” she said gruffly, “I’ll send him for it.” She then went downstairs to send Willie for the book. But before handing him the slip of paper she read it and wrote something down on the piece of paper. She
gave Willie the money for the book and he was off. However, he soon returned and gave Lulu Belle two parcels instead of one. She carried them up to Uncle William’s room and handed him one of the parcels and sat down in a chair with the other. They both opened them hurriedly. The title of Uncle William’s book was “How to Get Around Your Wife,” By T. R. Bunk. The title of Lulu Belle’s book was “How to Torture Your Husband,” By Mrs. T. R. Bunk. After several hours of reading, Uncle William happened to glance over in the direction of Lulu Belle. When he saw that she was reading a thick [book], much thicker than his, he strained his eyes which had big black circles around them to see the title of the book she was reading. When he finally did read it the poor fat old man looked very depressed. “Honey,” he said, “what are you reading that for?” “Well!” she retorted. “You got a book on how to get around your wife so I got one on how to torture your husband. I believe in the old saying,” she said, “A tooth for a tooth and an eye for an eye.” Uncle William dropped his book in defeat. “Aw,” he said, “I guess a married man just hasn’t got a chance.” At this point Lulu Belle looked up at the clock and saw it was 5:30. “Eeek!” she screamed. “It’s 5:30 and we have to leave at six o’clock. Get up out of there and get dressed. We have to catch the train.” “Ohh!” screeched Uncle William as he made an attempt to get out of the bed, “I’m so sore.” “Sore or not you get out of that bed before I lam the daylights out of you.” So Uncle William got out of bed with much pain. Lulu Belle then went downstairs to get the children ready. When everything was done she called the taxi cab company and told them to send over three cabs (for one or two was not enough to hold them to Main and Chestnut street). When the cabs arrived everyone piled in, including Mrs. Busybody. When they arrived at the station Lulu Belle walked over to the ticket office. “I want nine tickets to ‘Slumtown’ please.” “Nine tickets to where?” “Slumtown,” Lulu Belle repeated. “Never heard of the place,” retorted the ticket agent. “Well er,” Lulu Belle began, “I know it’s not a regular stop. It’s what’s commonly known as the gashouse district.” “Oh! I know where that is,” the ticket agent laughed. “Here are your tickets. The train will be in any minute now.” So Lulu Belle walked over to where the rest were and sat on the waiting bench with them. The seven kids were crying for ice cream and candy as usual. Uncle William was asking for a little snort of whiskey, and Mrs. Busybody was grumbling and mumbling as usual. Just then the train roared in and Lulu Belle, Uncle William and the kids got aboard. They waved goodbye to Mrs. Busybody. As Mrs. Busybody left the platform she said, “Thank heavens those people are gone at last,” and so ended her Christmas vacation.