Esther's Innocence

by Benjamin Boswell

  The steward turned to her, “Miss Kelley, I—”

  “Please…call me Esther.”

  “Yes’am,” he said, nodding. “Miss Esther, I bunk in the anteroom next to the Captain’s pantry, but if you need anything during the night, please don’t hesitate to let me know. I know you must be eager to get out of those clothes. Unfortunately, we don’t carry any dresses as would be appropriate for a young lady—however,” he gestured at a stack of clothing laid out on one of the bunks, “several midshipman have donated their finest clothing for you to wear. We don’t have a bath, but if you’d like to take a shower, I can show you to the officer’s wash closet where I can stand guard while you shower, if you’d like. It’ll be cold and a bit salty as it is usually just water picked up from the ocean, but it’ll be clean.”

  Esther nodded at him, “Yes, I’d like that very much, thank you.” It would be so nice to be clean again. It seemed like forever since she’d last been clean.

  “I thought you might,” he said with a smile. He stepped toward the bunk where the clothes were laid out and grabbed a towel from the pile. “Follow me, please,” he said, walking out of the cabin and heading aft.

  Esther followed, a bit puzzled. “Mr. Jefferies—”

  “Please,” he interrupted, “call me Mac. Everybody else does.”

  Esther nodded and said, “Mac. What about the clothing? Shouldn’t I bring them as well?”

  “Unfortunately the wash closet is quite small and damp. There isn’t any room to take in clean clothes. I really do apologize,” Mac said, turning to her, “but you can wrap the towel around you after you are done and change in your cabin.”

  Esther nodded again. They passed the rest of the officer’s cabins running down both sides of the ship and came to a narrow door on the starboard side. Mac hung Esther’s towel on a peg that stuck out of the wall next to the door.

  “Miss Esther, you can go in and throw your dirty clothing out I’ll wait here until you are done and escort you back to your cabin.”

  “Thank you Mac,” she said. She pulled the door open and stepped inside, closing and latching it behind her. The wash closet was tiny with just a string hanging from a water spigot sticking out of the wall. There was a drain set into the floor. Mold and mildew grew in the corners, and a constant drip of water fell from the spigot over her head. Now she knew why Mac had suggested she not bring clean clothing to change into. Just touching the moldy walls would have soiled them. A block of soap and a scrub brush lay on a small shelf against the outer bulkhead.

  Esther quickly pulled off the blood and vomit stained clothing and cracked the door just wide enough to throw them out before latching it again. She shivered as a cold drop of water fell onto her bare skin from the spigot above. She reached over to pull the string that she assumed would start the water flowing. Icy sheets of water fell from the spigot onto her head and instantly took her breath away. She started to shiver uncontrollably, her teeth chattering as it flowed over her bare skin. She let go of the string and the water stopped flowing.

  Shivering, she grabbed the block of soap and started scrubbing herself with it and the scrub brush. Scraping the accumulated dirt, grime, blood, and vomit from her body felt like a little bit of redemption for the horrific things that she had experienced over the last few days. If only she could wash away the emotional turmoil as easily. She soaped up her hair and again pulled the cord. Her skin was numb and so the rush of icy water didn’t seem as bad the second time. She leaned forward slightly, letting the water run through her chin length hair as she rubbed her scalp with her left hand. She missed her long hair.

  She straightened and let the water wash away the soap and dirt from the rest of her body. After she finished rinsing, she let go of the cord and, still shivering, she cracked the door and grabbed her towel. She closed and latched the door again and dried herself, rubbing her arms vigorously to try and bring some warmth back into them. After she was finished, she wrapped the towel around herself and stepped out of the wash closet. Mac was standing there, just as he said he would, his back to her. He turned when he heard her step out and close the door.

  “Feeling better I hope, Miss Esther?” he said.

  “Very much so, thank you,” she replied, “and please, it’s just Esther.”

  Mac smiled and said, “Very well. I’ll escort you to your cabin, then.”

  Esther followed Mac back to her cabin. She was thankful that the ship was so far below its maximum crew capacity right now because she wanted to avoid them seeing her with just a towel wrapped around her. Even with just Mac, it felt improper. They ran into the ship’s doctor and he started in surprise when he saw her, but he moved on quickly under Mac’s level gaze, disappearing aft into his cabin. Her cabin—or rather, the starboard midshipman’s cabin—was just aft of amidships and was the last cabin before you reached the open crew berthing area. There were a few crew milling about, but Esther hid behind Mac and slipped into her cabin without being seen.

  “Good night Esther,” said Mac.

  “Good night Mac.”

  CHAPTER 11

  An Idea

  There aren’t sufficient words to describe how good it felt to be clean again, even if the water was ice cold. For me, it was like being baptized again…as if the water washed away the negative emotions associated with all of the horrible things I had seen and experienced on that Madrausan warship…

  Esther woke with a start. She had been dreaming—although it had been more like a nightmare. Something about a bloody knife. She shook herself and got out of her bunk. The room was dark. After she had gotten back to her cabin last night, she had been so exhausted, she had simply dropped the towel onto the floor, pulled on some drawers that were too big, a billowy white shirt that was way too big, blew out the lanterns, and collapsed onto her bunk, letting exhaustion and the wine she’d had while talking to the Captain carry her away into unconsciousness. Now, feeling refreshed after getting some sleep and wanting to look through the clothes that had been donated to her to see if she could find anything that fit her better, she stepped over to where an oil lantern hung from the corner of the room and fumbled with it until she was able to get it lit. She turned it up and then lit the three remaining lanterns. Satisfied that she now had enough light to properly inspect her clothing, she looked down at her attire. The neck of the large shirt she was wearing was so large that it barely stayed on her shoulders…and her drawers were loose on her hips even though the draw strings were tightened all the way.

  She rummaged through the clothing. They were quite nice compared to what she was used to. The fabric much softer and likely more expensive, but she was still going to miss having proper women’s underclothes. She’d trade the whole pile of clothing for a nice form fitting shift and bodice to wear under a good work dress. Rummaging through the pile, she found a pair of drawers that looked like they would fit better, took off the other pair, and pulled them on, drawing the strings until they fit snuggly.

  The shirts were white and soft, with billowy sleeves, and a formal cravat. Esther held up one that looked like it would fit and frowned. Because she didn’t have a shift or a bodice, wearing these loose fitting white shirts could possibly be embarrassing, and definitely quite revealing—especially if she was going to continue working in the rigging. She threw the shirt and cravat back on the bunk and pulled the blankets off of the bunk above her. Grabbing the sheet, she tore off a six-inch wide length of fabric. She pulled off the shirt she’d worn to bed and wrapped the fabric from the sheet around her chest, tying it off in the front. She sighed. She was tired of having to wrap herself up. This time, however, it wasn’t to hide her gender, but simply to provide some support and a measure of modesty. She reached down and grabbed the other shirt off the bunk. Pulling it on, she left the neck open and the cravat on the bed. I may have to wear men’s clothing, she thought, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to look like a man if I don’t have to.

  Esther held up the midshipman’s pants in
front of her, looking them over. They were nice and a dark navy blue color, but they were meant to be worn with an officer’s jacket and there was no way she was going to do that. The crew might think she was presuming a status that was higher than it was—so she left the jacket on the bed and continued to stare at the pants, thinking about how they would look without the jacket. It had been easy to wear pants when everyone thought she was a boy. Now, it seemed a bit awkward. Well, she thought, I’ve got to wear something, so she pulled them on anyway, tucking her shirt down into the pants so that it was pulled tight. She didn’t want it to be loose fitting like the men wore them. She took the scabbard from her Madrausan dagger and slid it off of the big belt it had originally been on. She attached it to one of the belts in her pile of clothing which fit much better, then strapped it around her waist. She tucked her little journal into her belt as well. Standing there looking at herself as best she could without a mirror, she was actually pleased with the result. It wasn’t nearly so manly looking as she had feared and was really quite flattering to her figure—What little of it I have, she thought scornfully.

  Esther brushed her hair behind her ears with a smile at her own foolishness and blew out the lanterns as she walked out of the cabin. There were only a few crewmen in the open berth area as she stepped out onto the lower deck. The doctor was just coming forward from his own cabin.

  “Oh…hello,” he said when he saw her, stopping a few feet away.

  “Hello,” Esther responded, not knowing what else to say.

  The doctor paused a moment, as if uncertain of what to say. “Uh, listen,” he said at last, taking a step toward her, “I just wanted to apologize. I think we got off on the wrong foot. I mean, for example last night when you were undressed…I mean, not undressed. You weren’t undressed,” he continued, stammering, “I mean, you had a towel wrapped around you, but…you just weren’t dressed all the way and it caught me by surprise and, as a gentleman, I should have averted my eyes. Anyway, I’m sorry for that…and for calling you a girl, because you’re clearly not a girl…you’re a young woman and I…uh…just wanted to say sorry.”

  Esther was caught off-guard and had no idea how to react. The doctor seemed nervous, but why he would be nervous, she had no idea. She didn’t understand his discomfort. He was an educated physician. If anything, she should be nervous and intimidated around him. She was just a farmer’s daughter. After a moment, she realized she was just standing there and so she said, “Uh…thank you, Dr. Scott—”

  “Please,” the doctor interrupted, “Call me Geoffrey.”

  “Alright…Geoffrey,” said Esther a bit hesitantly, “I should apologize as well for my own reaction when I lashed out and called you a ‘boy’. I’m afraid I didn’t have my wits about me at the time and it was ill of me to say it. I believe both of us were surprised by the circumstances of the moment. I didn’t expect to be treated by such a young physician, but from the level of care you provided to the wounded yesterday, you are very skilled.” Esther paused a moment, not sure if she should continue, but curiosity got the better of her. “How did you happen to end up aboard the Nautilus, if I may ask?”

  “Of course,” the doctor replied, “Would you care to walk with me a moment?”

  Esther nodded and they headed forward to the companionway leading up. The crewmen in the area paused when they caught sight of her, staring. Her current outfit was a far cry from what she had been wearing before and these men were quite unused to seeing a female onboard. No one called out or made jeering comments, thankfully, and Esther was again astounded by the contrast between the professionalism of the Ardmorran Navy personnel—even your average crewman—compared to that of the Madrausans. I guess that’s why they call them the ‘barbarian kingdoms’, she thought.

  “My family is not wealthy,” said the doctor, his grey eyes looking into hers, “and to apprentice and learn the trade of a physician—especially one skilled in surgery—is expensive. The Navy was offering scholarships to those who would commit to serve a number of years after they finished their formal education and apprenticeship. I took the opportunity.”

  “Well it seems that the Navy is better for it,” Esther replied as they climbed the companionway to the gun deck.

  “Thank you,” he said, seeming to be taken back a bit by the compliment. “I must say, how you came to be aboard the Nautilus is nothing short of miraculous—and amazingly brave.” The doctor turned to her and the admiring look in his eyes made Esther blush.

  “I didn’t have much of a choice. My options were pretty limited,” she said simply.

  “Still, the fact that you not only had the bravery to leap from an airship in midair—but to be correct both in your calculations and execution is nothing short of astounding!”

  The praise that he heaped upon her was too much and caused Esther to feel awkward. She looked down at her feet and could feel her cheeks heat.

  “I’m sorry,” the doctor said, “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that I’ve never met someone like you before.” Laughter from several crew members joking around the aft end of the gun deck broke the awkward tension and the doctor cleared his throat. “Well, I’d better be going. I still have many wounded to check on. If you’ll excuse me?”

  Esther nodded a bit too eagerly, hoping to end the awkward encounter as soon as possible. The doctor hesitated, seeming as if he wanted to say something more, but then simply turned and walked away. Esther reached up and brushed a strand of hair out of her face and let out a long, slow breath. Captain Karlsson was right. She needed to find a better way to accept praise than to stand there, embarrassed and awkward. It had always made her uncomfortable and it was going to take some time. She just needed to make a conscious effort to do better.

  She turned and climbed the companionway to the main deck, then made her way up to the quarterdeck. The captain and another officer were standing near the wheel, looking aft past the big rudder that rose up above the deck almost half as tall as the mizzenmast. A faint breeze blew and stirred Esther’s hair. The air was a bit cold and it raised gooseflesh on her arms under the long sleeved shirt. The material wasn’t thick enough to provide much protection and the billowy sleeves and open neck let cold air brush against her skin. Maybe I should have worn the midshipman’s jacket after all, she thought.

  “Ah, Miss Kelley!” said the captain upon seeing her. He waved her over. “It’s nice to see you looking clean and refreshed, and like a lady again. I apologize for the lack of proper attire, but I must say, you make that outfit look very lady-like indeed.”

  “Thank you Captain,” Esther said, looking down at her feet, feeling a little embarrassed.

  “I’d like to introduce you to our sailing master, Mr. Nathanael Graham, whom I believe you met only briefly the night you arrived.”

  “Pleased to meet you Miss Kelley,” said Mr. Graham, shaking her hand lightly. He was slim and of average height. The navy uniform fit him well. He wore a brimmed cap on his head, as did all of the officers while on deck.

  “I’ve already eaten,” said Captain Karlsson, “but you are welcome to head down to the main cabin anteroom and Mac can whip you something up. Afterwards, if you’d like, I can give you a brief tour of the ship while you fill me in on how you came to be aboard that Madrausan warship.”

  “I’d like that very much, sir,” Esther replied earnestly.

  “Great. When you’re finished eating, come back up on deck and find me.”

  Esther nodded and turned, heading below to find Mac. He was in the anteroom to the main cabin at the aft end of the gun deck, just as Captain Karlsson had said.

  “Good morning, Esther, I take it you slept well?” said Mac.

  “Very well, thank you Mac. The Captain mentioned that if I came down here you might have some breakfast for me?”

  “Yes’m. I anticipated that he would send you my way and I took the liberty of preparing some eggs and biscuits.” He pulled a seat out from the table and gestured for
her to sit.

  “Thank you,” she said, taking the seat.

  “The coffee isn’t as warm as it was when the Captain ate, but it should still be pleasant. Would you care for some?”

  “Yes, that would be wonderful.”

  Mac placed a tray of food in front of her, then poured her a cup of coffee as she dug into her food. It was then that she discovered how famished she was, and the food was much better than what she’d eating over the last couple of days. Mac stepped into his pantry, presumably to clean up, leaving Esther alone to eat. It didn’t take her long to finish the biscuits and eggs, chasing it down with some coffee. As if on cue, Mac returned and picked up her empty tray.

  “Thank you again, Mac, that was delicious,” she said, wiping her mouth with a cloth napkin.

  “You’re very welcome. And might I say how well you look this morning.”

  “Thank you,” Esther said with a smile, realizing that she felt much better this morning. She stood, waving goodbye to Mac, and walked out of the anteroom back onto the gun deck. She paused a moment, looking down the rows of cannons. It really was a sight to behold. She looked forward to the Captain showing her around the rest of the ship.

  Esther climbed up the companionway back onto the quarterdeck. Just forward of the main mast on the port side, a long boat had been craned over the side of the ship. Crewmen stood inside it, laying out what looked to be a small balloon sail, readying it to be filled with Saug gas.

  “Miss Kelley,” said Captain Karlsson, stepping up next to her, “How was your breakfast?”

  “Very pleasant, thank you,” she replied.

  “Excellent.” The captain turned and pointed at the longboat, “That is my cutter. It is being prepared and will be going between the Nautilus and each of the transports. Later this morning, it will return with the list of passengers on each of the ships. Then we should know if your father is on one of them.” Esther nodded, her eyes fixed on the longboat. “What happened to the rest of your family?” asked the Captain, “Your mother and siblings?”