Esther's Innocence

by Benjamin Boswell

  “No, not really” replied Esther, “I have a slight headache, but nothing else.”

  Geoffrey blew out the candle and put it back in the cabinet, then pulled out an object that looked like a little hammer. He placed it on the table and titled her head to the side and back slightly to examine where Ikenna’s fist had connected with the side of her head and cheek. He gently placed his fingers over the area and felt around. Esther winced as he probed the bruise.

  “Alright, I need you to pull up your dress to your knee, can you do that for me?” he asked, picking up the little hammer again.

  At first, Esther felt a little self-conscious about showing her leg to a man while she was alone with him, but Geoffrey was in his ‘doctor’ persona and was acting very professional. It made her feel not quite so awkward. He gently tapped the little hammer against her knee and watched her reflexes.

  “Great, thank you,” he said, “Now I’m going to need to listen to your breathing. I’ll start in the back, but then I’m going to need to listen to your chest as well, alright?”

  Esther nodded as he walked around behind her and placed his hand and ear against her back.

  “Take deep breaths for me please.”

  Esther inhaled and exhaled twice, then Geoffrey walked back around the table.

  “Alright, if you’ll tip your head up, I’ll just listen briefly and be done as quickly as I can, alright?”

  Esther nodded again, feeling her cheeks flush as he lowered his ear to her chest and listened. Part of her felt flushed and excited as her thoughts focused on how handsome and knowledgeable he was. Another part of her was mortified by that thought. She was also embarrassed by her sweat stained clothing and disheveled appearance. She was afraid the doctor would dismiss her as a tomboy who engaged in inappropriate masculine activities the way Captain Amadi and Ikenna had. Why do I care if he thinks of me that way? she thought, It didn’t bother me when Captain Amadi hinted at it, or when Ikenna insulted her by calling her a she-boy.

  The doctor had pulled his head away and stepped back over to the cabinet as she thought about why she didn’t want him thinking of her that way. Part of it was because it wasn’t true. She felt very feminine and loved to dance and do other feminine things, but she also had an insatiable thirst for knowledge and had always loved airships. She wanted to learn as much about them as she could. She also wanted to learn how to take care of herself in a fight because it seemed like she had found herself in situations where those skills were needed quite often lately. Even then, however, she hadn’t cared about what people thought about her, so why did she care if Geoffrey thought of her as a tomboy?

  Esther’s eyes widened suddenly as she realized that she was coming to care for the young doctor. What am I thinking! Though young, he was still at least four years older than her, and more probably six to eight years. Her mind drifted to the sensation of his head pressed against her chest and she shook her head sharply. Impossible! I’m acting like a silly little schoolgirl.

  “Esther?” said Geoffrey, pulling her out of her thoughts. He was looking at her with a concerned look on his face. “Are you alright?”

  “Oh…uh yes, sorry Geoffrey. I just had a weird thought that I was trying to shake. I’m fine, thank you.”

  “Are you sure?” he said. Esther nodded. “Alright, well I don’t believe you have a skull fracture. Just some bruising. Your reactions and breathing are good. I don’t think you’ll have any problems, but if you start to feel nauseous, dizzy, disoriented, or start vomiting, please let me know as soon as possible, alright?”

  “Alright,” she replied, “thanks Geoffrey. I really think that I was able to get out of the way in time.”

  Geoffrey smiled. “Yes, I think you’re probably right. Nevertheless, I appreciate you allowing me to take a look. I’d rather be safe than sorry. At least now I can report to Mac and Joel that I’ve done my due diligence. Mac is still going to be upset with you though.”

  Esther laughed and said, “Yes, I think you’re right.” She hopped down off the table. “Well, I’m going to go get changed out of this dress and get cleaned up for dinner. I’ll see you then?” Geoffrey nodded and Esther turned and walked out the sick bay door.

  CHAPTER 18

  Shattered

  I never expected anything like this to happen.

  After she had left sickbay, Esther had gone back to her room to change. Nkiru, the servant girl, had met her there and said something in halting Hadiqan about dinner. When Esther had told her that she just needed to clean up and change her dress, Nkiru had seemed agitated and kept saying ‘dinner’. Esther sighed resignedly and had simply followed Nkiru as she led her up onto the quarterdeck.

  Fortunately for Esther, dinner this evening was a much less formal affair than the previous one and everyone in attendance was still in their duty uniforms or work clothes. Esther had taken the time to pull the handkerchief out of her hair and comb her hands through it, hopefully giving her a less disheveled appearance—but she still felt icky. She avoided any lecture from Mac about the bruise on her cheek by staying to his right side so he couldn’t see it. Baird noticed both the bruise and her efforts to avoid Mac and chuckled. The food was delicious and Esther tried not to draw attention to herself this time. She simply sat quietly and tried to remain as inconspicuous as possible.

  As everyone finished their dinner, a man and a woman came out onto the quarterdeck and entertained them with a dance. As with dinner, Esther was able to enjoy the dance performance much more tonight. When the dancers finished their performance, Esther turned to Adaeze. “Those dancers were marvelous,” she said.

  “Yes, I thought so as well. Sometimes these long journeys can become tediously boring, so we encourage all expedition members to develop and share their talents.”

  “Esther can dance,” Baird said, “She was even supposed to perform at her town festival.”

  Esther didn’t remember telling Baird about her dancing, but she had discussed it with some of the other riggers onboard the Nautilus. It seemed that information spread like wildfire aboard ship and somehow Baird had heard about it.

  “Oh Esther, you really must dance for us,” said Adaeze, “We so seldom have guests, especially ones skilled at dancing.”

  “I don’t think I could do that,” said Esther, feeling self-conscious.

  “Oh please, Esther, you must,” said Adaeze.

  After some further coaxing, Esther finally stood and walked over to where the dancers had performed. She felt the stares of the officers and other dinner guests boring into her. Why did I let myself get talked into this?

  To help settle her nerves, she closed her eyes and tried to tune everything out—the officers and dinner guests, Amadi, even her companions and Adaeze. All that was left was the wind in her hair and the soothing creak of the ship. Now she was ready, and she started to dance. At first, she simply performed the festival dance, but as she continued, she let go of all of her cares and worries she’d been carrying since the raid on Tewksbury and just let her emotions flow as she performed—twisting, spinning, leaping, and flipping. To Esther, it had always been more than just dancing—it had been an expression of emotion. Finally, emotionally and physically spent, she came to a stop, head bowed with her arms at her sides and her hands extended flat, parallel with the ground, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she breathed heavily from the exertion. She heard clapping and raised her head to see everyone standing and clapping. Even Amadi stood clapping loudly and she felt her face flush from the attention. She must have danced for quite a while because the sun had dipped below the horizon and dusk was settling in. She was tired, but felt exhilarated at the same time.

  Adaeze walked over to her and commented on how graceful her performance had been. It had felt good to dance and have it appreciated by an audience and she and Adaeze discussed the choreography and the mix of dancing styles. By the time they finished talking, it was well past dusk. As Adaeze left with her children, Esther looked around the quar
terdeck. Joel, Mac, Baird, and Geoffrey would probably stay up on the quarterdeck for another hour or so drinking and talking with Captain Amadi and his men, so it seemed like a good time to excuse herself. She really wanted to take a shower before she climbed into bed. After saying goodnight to Captain Amadi and the others, Esther headed below deck, thinking only of the wash closet. She had felt filthy all day long and performing the dance had only made it worse.

  Esther stepped down the portside hallway into the area reserved for guests, then she turned right and entered the short hall with her cabin at the end. Nkiru stood outside her door, waiting.

  “Hi Nkiru,” said Esther, “Were you waiting for me?”

  Nkiru nodded. “Wash dress?” she said, pointing to Esther’s dress.

  “Oh that would be great, Nkiru,” said Esther, not really knowing how much the girl understood, “I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to wear this again tomorrow without washing it first. I’m afraid I soiled it pretty thoroughly today.” Nkiru only nodded. “Wash closet?” Esther asked, pointing to the door next to the toilet.

  Nkiru nodded. Esther walked over to the door and pulled it open. Inside was a shower and a little one person changing room barely larger than a small closet. A curtain hung between the two little rooms.

  Esther turned to Nkiru. “I’m going to go grab my nightgown, then I will go into the wash closet and hand my dress out to you, is that alright?” Nkiru didn’t say anything and just stood there, smiling. Esther hesitated a moment, thinking that Nkiru probably hadn’t understood what she had said. She was about to repeat herself, but then simply shrugged and walked into her cabin. Nkiru would probably get the gist of it.

  She grabbed her nightgown, a towel, and some undergarments, then walked out of her room and over to the wash closet. She set the items on a little shelf on one wall, and pulled the door closed. She undid her belt with her dagger and scabbard and placed it on the shelf. She pulled her dress and undergarments off and handed them out to Nkiru, who turned and strode away, then Esther closed and latched the door. She stepped from the little changing room into the shower and pulled the curtain so that water wouldn’t splash on her clean clothes sitting on the shelf.

  - - -

  Nkiru walked into the washroom and set Esther’s dirty clothes on a table next to one of the smaller washtubs, then walked over to the wall where a row of wooden buckets were lined up and several spigots jutted out from the wall. She grabbed a bucket and held it under a spigot, turning the knob and filling the bucket full of water. After it was full, she closed the spigot and walked back to the washtub, pouring the water into it. She grabbed a washboard and lowered it vertically into the water. Grabbing some soap, she took Esther’s undergarments and doused them in the water, then began scrubbing them on the washboard with the soap.

  While she scrubbed, she thought about the young woman with short, chin length hair that was so dark it was almost black. She had had come aboard and told fantastical tails of battles and jumping from airships. Nkiru didn’t know why, but she believed Esther. She had a kind smile and a rare intelligence in her eyes. It’s not that Nkiru felt envious—but when she was around her, Nkiru just wanted to be like her someday. And the way she moved. It was so graceful, and she had danced so beautifully. She didn’t know what it was, but she knew that Esther was something special. It wasn’t just charisma that good leaders such as Captain Amadi had—

  Nkiru’s train of thought cut off and she frowned. She hadn’t been happy about the way that Captain Amadi had treated Esther. She had known Captain Amadi for over a year now and it seemed a little out of character for an otherwise exceptional leader. Regardless, the pull that Nkiru felt towards Esther was more than just charisma—it was like being pulled forward in the wake of something massive. She was just such a force to be reckoned with that you ended up being pulled in behind her, regardless of whether you were headed that direction. Driven—that’s the word Nkiru was looking for. Esther was driven and it felt exhilarating to simply be in her presence.

  Nkiru had finished with the undergarments and socks and hung them up to dry. She started on Esther’s dress, submerging it in the water and letting it soak for a minute, and then she began to scrub it as well.

  - - -

  Esther wiped the water from her eyes. The shower was cold, but it felt so much better to be clean. It hadn’t taken her long to wash. She knew it was a luxury to be able to bathe two days in a row, but it was available, so she took full advantage of it. After she finished, she dried and dressed herself, pulling the billowy nightgown over her head. She gathered her towel and her knife belt, unlatched the wash closet door, and stepped out into the hall.

  Suddenly a hand shot out, slapping painfully against her face and tightly covering her mouth. Someone shoved her forward against the starboard bulkhead, hard, pinning her left arm in front of her as they pressed up against her back. Her attacker grabbed her dagger, pulled it out of its scabbard, and tossed it back down the hall. Esther dropped her knife belt and towel and tried to elbow her attacker with her free right arm, but a hand grabbed her wrist, twisting her arm and wrenching it up behind her. She cried out in pain, but it was muffled by the hand over her mouth. Whoever it was, they very strong and she couldn’t move as she was pressed harder up against the wall.

  “I will show you your place, nwunye nkita!” a voice she recognized as Ikenna’s said in her ear. “When I am done, you will not dare step out of your rightful place again!”

  The hand covering her mouth shoved her head sideways against the bulkhead, causing her to wince in pain as his fingers dug into her face to keep her immobilized. The bruised side of her head flared with pain. He let go of her arm momentarily, hiking up her gown and ripping off her undergarment bottoms. She tried to reach back and push or hit him away, but the angle was awkward and her meager blows were ineffectual. Panic and fear welled up within her. This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening!

  He held his other hand firmly over her mouth, pushing her head painfully against the wall. She couldn’t move and her muffled cries went unheard. Still pressing against her back, he used his right hand to pull his leggings down and grab her roughly around the waist. Panicked, she tried to think of anything she could do, but nothing came to her. She felt entirely helpless and tears filled her eyes and streamed down her cheeks.

  Often while growing up, when Esther would read, she would be so engrossed in what she was reading that she wouldn’t notice anything else that was going on around her. Now, she tried desperately to find that place—to clamp down on her fear and close her mind to what was happening. She tried to build mental barriers against the sudden pain, hoping it would be enough to shut it all out.

  After what seemed like a hellish eternity, Ikenna stepped away. Esther didn’t have the strength to hold herself up and she fell limply to the ground, her mental barriers shattering as her emotions broke through and slammed into her with the force of a tsunami.

  Ikenna suddenly grabbed her arm, yanking her viciously around to look up into his face. Fear and panic crashed over her, as unstoppable as the waves of the ocean beating against a rocky shore. She was forced to look into his hate filled eyes, and she fully expected him to kill her.

  “I will repeat this lesson if I ever see you out of place again!” he said, “And if you tell anyone, I will kill you. Even if it costs me my last breath, I will kill you! Do you understand?” Esther was in shock and simply stared at him in fear. The hatred in his eyes—it was so intense. Even the other men she had fought had not shown this level of hatred. “Do you understand?!’” he said again through clenched teeth, painfully bruising her arm in his grip.

  “Y…Yes,” she whispered, her eyes dropping to stare at his feet.

  “Good.” He threw her back down, “No one would believe a lying nwunye girl who makes up stories about jumping from airships anyway. Besides, you asked for me to do this, didn’t you?” Esther felt numb and didn’t realize he had asked her a question. “Didn’t you?!”
he whispered savagely. She looked up at his face once again and gave him a rough, wordless nod before lowering her gaze to the ground once more.

  He turned and a moment later, Esther heard his footsteps fade away as she lay there, her forehead almost touching the floor, her short, chin length hair falling around her face, and her arms shaking so badly that she could barely holding herself off the ground. A single, wracking sob wrenched itself from her mouth. Eventually, she turned and crawled slowly through the door into her cabin and sat back against the wall next to her bed, pulling her knees up to her chest. Feeling nauseous, she brought a shaking hand to her mouth in disbelief. A brief, involuntary whimper escaped her lips and she shivered as she recalled the horrible sensations. She had hoped that her mental barriers would have been able to block it all out—but she remembered every moment.

  Fear and panic coursed through her whole body and she worried that he might come back again. She was having difficulty getting the panic under control and her breathing came in ragged gasps as she began to hyperventilate. She starting to feel lightheaded. Her gasps turned into sobs, however, and just as suddenly as the fear had come, it was replaced by a deep, overwhelming sadness. She lowered her head into her arms and continued to sob, great big tears of sadness dropping to the deck as she wept. It now seemed like the last of her innocence had been stolen.

  - - -

  Nkiru hung up Esther’s dress to dry. She had decided to head back up to Esther’s cabin to see if Esther needed anything more before she went to the galley to get something to eat, so she walked out the door of the washroom and made her way to the guest quarters two decks above.

  When she reached the short hall where the guest cabins were, she found Esther’s door at the end of the hall was open with no light coming from the room and Esther’s dagger was lying in the middle of the short hallway. Nkiru frowned, puzzled. Esther’s towel lay on the ground near the door. Nkiru walked down the short hall and noticed a couple of drops of blood on the floor next to the starboard bulkhead. Tattered undergarment bottoms lay on the ground near the door to the toilet.