Rachel woke up in the morning to see nobody had turned off the light. She also realized that she hadn’t eaten any dinner last night.
***
Gary had a hurt knee. And a hurt back. That made it so he couldn’t work very much. He could work a little bit, fixing cars. But mostly he stayed at home.
Mommy had to work extra. Because Rachel kept growing and needed bigger clothes. And because Gary didn’t get very much money from before he got hurt. Rachel said maybe she could do some work too. But nobody said anything.
Mr. Brown said she could talk to him about it. “Money? Hmmnn.” He smacked his lips and glared at Terrance who kept jogging back and forth across the bedroom floor. “You could sell ice cream. You’re good at that, you know. I like ice cream.”
“I know you like ice cream. But you would just eat it all up. And then we wouldn’t have any left to sell to people.” She wrinkled her nose. “Besides, I only know how to make pretend ice cream.”
“Well, I think your ice cream is the best in the whole world… And I don’t care that it’s pretend.”
“That’s because you’re a pretend bear.”
Mr. Brown gasped, looked down at his stuffed and sewn tummy, his soft and felted claws. “Oh.” He looked sad. So sad. “It’s time for my nap,” he said. He started for the cave that opened between the bed and wall.
“You just had a nap.”
“…Hibernate… I’m going to be alone now.” And he disappeared into the solitary dark of the cave.
After a silent minute, Kitty said “Meow. I think you made him sad.”
“What?”
“Meow. Mr. Brown. You made him sad because you said he’s not real.”
“But he’s not real.”
“Meow. Are you sure?”
“Yes. And you’re not real either.”
“Meow. Then why are you talking to me?”
“Because it’s pretend.”
“Meow. Real enough that you talk to us.”
“It’s pretend. That’s not the same thing as real.”
“Meow. We’re real in the part of things that are pretend.”
“But that’s not the same thing!”
“Meow. It’s the same thing to us. So it should be the same thing to you. You’re the one who’s doing the pretending.”
Rachel sat quiet. Then she said, “I made him sad?”
“Meow. Yes. I think he was crying.”
The girl turned and crawled to the wall, squeezing her face into the cave entrance. “Mr. Brown?”
There was a sniffle. A big, deep, pretend bear sniffle that echoed off the walls of a pretend cave. “Go away.”
“Mr. Brown? Would you come out please?”
“Go away. I have to hibernate now. Except you said I’m not real. So I just have to sit here and not be real. I’m sad now.”
“Mr. Brown, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
“Yes you did.”
“I made a mistake. I know you’re real… That’s why Daddy had you come live here with us.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Now please come back. I want to have a picnic.”
“A real picnic, or a pretend picnic?”
“Both. At the same time.”
“Okay.” And the great, furry bear climbed from his cave to be hugged by a little girl and to go on a pretend-real picnic.
***
There were some graham crackers in the kitchen. And Mommy said that Rachel could take them in her room for a picnic. But only if she didn’t make a mess.
Rachel bundled up the crackers in a dishtowel and put them on the bed that was a car again. Terrence and Kitty were strapped in the car seat shoes with Bun Bun safely hidden behind the pillow in back.
Mr. Brown insisted that Rachel drive to the picnic, because “real bears are not allowed to drive.”
Tyson was invited to the picnic. But Gary said that dogs aren’t supposed to go on the bed. Rachel managed to slide a towel from the bathroom wall, and put that on the floor. That way Tyson could drive himself to the picnic. But he kept jumping out of his car and trying to climb up into theirs.
Then Terrence said that was no fair because if Tyson could run alongside the car to the picnic, why couldn’t he?
“Stay in your seat,” Rachel told him. “You’re too little.”
Finally, they managed to get everybody in their seats and moving down the road. Mr. Brown wanted to play the radio. But Rachel said he should talk to her so she didn’t get too sleepy. The bear looked at the bedroom window where drops of rain tapped on the glass. It made a spatter, popping noise. A noise like eggs and bacon on a Sunday morning before Daddy had to go away. “I wish it wasn’t raining. Then we could all play outside.”
“It’s okay,” she told him. “We’ll just pretend to be outside. We can go outside for real another day.”
“Oh no!” Bun Bun spoke up from behind the pillow. “It will be dangerous if we go outside.”
“Meow. No.” Kitty turned in her car seat shoe to face the pointed ears that were the only visible parts of the rabbit. “Meow. Real rabbits like to be outside.”
“Really?”
“Meow. Yes. There’s a lot of places for rabbits to hide.”
“Oh.” Bun Bun allowed the top of his head to show. “Well, I’m still afraid of Tyson.”
They tried singing for a while. Mr. Brown wanted to sing about the farmer. But Kitty said she would only sing the one about the muffin man. When they agreed on a song, the group of them would all sing until Tyson acted like singing meant he should try to jump on the bed again. Then Mommy came in and said to be quiet because Gary was napping and she had a headache.
They drove past one park that Kitty said looked nice. But Bun Bun had been hoping for some place with more hiding places. So they kept driving.
Then they saw a park that might have been okay. But Mr. Brown said he didn’t see any bees. And he wanted to look for honey at the picnic. “Because that’s the kind of thing real bears do. So keep driving.”
Then Terrence started to get mad because this whole trip was taking too long. And they should just hurry up and find a place to have their picnic.
The next park had some good hiding places. A warm spot for Kitty to lie in the sun. And Mr. Brown found a beehive with honey in it.
“Bees don’t sting bears,” he explained to the group. His mouth was full of graham crackers and sticky with pretend-real honey.
Tyson stole graham crackers form everybody. Then he jumped around and made little bites on Rachael’s hands.
“Meow. He’s a puppy,” Kitty said. After she was jolted awake by a puppy foot. “Meow. Puppies are like babies. They don’t know the rules.”
“Well, I’m still afraid of him.” Bun Bun called out from his hiding place under the dresser. “Maybe we shouldn’t take him on any more picnics until he knows the rules better.”
***
Rachael needed new shoes. “Your feet are getting too big,” Mommy old her. “So we need to get new shoes to fit your bigger feet.”
It was a day that Mommy and Gary both could stay home from work. So all three of them got in the car to go buy shoes.
They talked to each other about how shoes for kids were too expensive. Because kids’ feet grow so fast. So kids only have to wear shoes for a little while. And the shoe factory should make the shoes cheaper and then they would wear out at the same time kids’ feet got big. And they wouldn’t be so expensive.
Rachael said they should all sing. But Gary said he was busy driving. So Rachael and Mommy sang. And Rachael was careful to not be too loud.
She secretly hoped they might stop for ice cream. Or, at least, the Starbucks.
Before Daddy had to go away, they would sometimes go to the Starbucks. Mommy and Daddy would have grownup drinks, the kind kids aren’t supposed to have. And Rachael would usually get something that had whipped cream on it.
But then, after Daddy went away, they didn’t go there either. Like the ic
e cream. Mommy and Gary said it was because there wasn’t enough money now. Which was why Rachael said she would get a job too.
She was good at helping with the dishes. Daddy had said so. She used to carry dirty silverware from the table to the sink. And Daddy would say, “Good work, Thumper!” Then she would be given a towel to dry those same utensils once they had been washed.
But then Mommy and Gary said it was faster to wash the dishes if just big people did it.
When she tried to talk to Mr. Brown about it, Terrance interrupted and said, “Oh, yes. Big people are faster at washing dishes than kids.”
Then Rachael told him, “Be quiet, Terrance.”
She had said to Mommy and Gary that maybe she could get a job helping with dishes somewhere. Because she was good at it. Even if she wasn’t as fast as grown-ups.
They both smiled at her, and hugged her. They told her that was very sweet. But little girls aren’t allowed to have the kind of job that pays money. She could help out just by being good. And that was disappointing, because she was already being good.
***
The shoes were pink. Pink uppers with pink laces. Pink soles with pink sparkles. And big, pink plastic gems along the tongues and sides.
Gary asked if she was sure if those were the ones she wanted. Because, even though they were a little more expensive, she could have the ones with the flashing lights instead.
There was pink on the shoes with the lights. But not as much as on the sparkly ones. And the flashing ones didn’t have those pretend diamonds. Besides, the lights were red, not pink.
They stopped at Starbucks. The girl with sparkly pink shoes had a hot chocolate. Extra whipped cream. Mommy and Gary had their grownups-only drinks. All the way home, that sweet fullness nestled in Rachel’s tummy.
***
Tyson greeted them at the door. All snuffles and wags and playful nips. But there was something else.
“Oh.” That was what Mommy said. Just “Oh.”
Gary said “What?” Then he said a bad word. Then, “No!” and he slapped Tyson on his puppy bottom.
Tyson yelped and crawled away for just a minute. Then he resumed his play-with-me antics.
Rachel stood and just stared. Tiny specks of white fluff and green fabric peppered the living room carpet. Interspersed throughout the mess were fragments of macerated green plastic.
She never felt herself start crying. She just was. Not caring about noise for the first time in a long time, she ran down the hall, shoes glinting with every step. She heard Gary say another bad word before the door closed.
***
There was a new rule. Tyson was an outside dog. There was an old plastic barrel on its side, with a couple of rocks to keep it from rolling away. An old blanket inside the barrel so he wouldn’t get to cold. And a rope tied to a stake in the ground to keep the dog from running away.
It wasn’t because of what happened to Terrence. Everybody was upset about that, for their own reasons. But Tyson was banished to the outside for going potty on the rug. Mommy and Gary had tried to make him go potty outside. But he still had accidents in the house. They even pushed his face at the mess and spanked him.
Rachel felt sorry for Tyson. Because he was just a baby dog who didn’t know the rules yet. But she was also mad at him for what he did to Terrence.
When she told Mommy and Gary that Tyson just needed to learn the rules, they told her that dogs are supposed to be outside anyway. And if he spent enough time out there, then he would get used to going potty on the grass instead of on the carpet.
***
She had saved the cardboard box that her shoes came in because it would have been a new place that Bun Bun could use for hiding. But then it had another use.
The cardboard mausoleum was not quite full. There wasn’t much left after what Tyson did.
Gary said that it shouldn’t be such a big deal because it was just a toy. “Not like it was a real turtle or anything.” And maybe Rachel wanted to go see a movie or something tomorrow.
Rachel didn’t want to see a movie because she felt too sad. But she said, “No, thank you” because she was trying to be good like Mommy and Gary said.
She told Mommy that she wanted to bury Terrence because that’s what happens sometimes when people have to go away forever. And Mommy said she could do that.
When Rachel told Mr. Brown that she had buried the box, she cried again. “I’m still sad.”
“I know you are. You’re supposed to be sad.”
Then they all sat and remembered Terrence. And in their mourning, they were close and warm and together. And for the right now, that had to be enough.
***
Gary’s back hurt again. And his knee. So he stayed home while Mommy left to go to work. That happened a lot. And Rachel didn’t like it.
“I don’t want him to be here,” she told Mommy.
“Oh, Sweetest. Don’t be silly. He’s here to keep you safe while I go to work.”
“But I don’t want you to go to work.”
“Well, I don’t want to go to work. But I have to. Otherwise we can’t pay for anything.”
“I want Gary to go to work instead.”
“Sweetest. I told you about that already. Gary got hurt a while ago. And it still hurts sometimes. And sometimes it hurts him so bad he can’t go to work.”
“Because he got hurt by those bad people?”
“Yes.”
“The same ones who hurt Daddy?”
A funny look passed over Mommy’s face and was gone. “Yes.”
“I wish Daddy could come back.”
Rachel toed her sparkly pink shoe on the floor. Bounce Bounce Bounce. “Gary should go to work with you.”
Mommy smiled. “But he has to stay here. So he can take care of you.”
“Mr. Brown can take care of me.”
“What?”
“Mr. Brown. I told you. That’s why Daddy brought him here. To watch out for us.”
“Rachel. Mr. Brown is a toy.”
“He’s a bear. He’s real, you know.”
“Sweetest. Mr. Brown is a stuffed toy. And a teddy bear is not going to protect you if something happens.”
Rachel thought that was dumb. And she said so. Because Daddy already had to go to that place far away. And everybody said that was to protect her and Mommy. So if she still needed protection, then why did Daddy have to go and get hurt and never come back?
Mommy sent Rachel to her room. No TV tonight either. She tried hard to not cry while the door clicked shut. And no noise closing the door.
“You didn’t tell her?” Mr. Brown said it like a question. But it was a statement. Almost a rebuke.
“No. She didn’t want to talk about it. Not right now.”
“Meow. You should tell her.” Kitty said from her spot on the pillow where Bun Bun was still hiding.
“I can’t.” Rachel plopped down on the bed, causing Mr. Brown to fall on his side. She sat the bear back up and he harrumphed. Then he echoed Kitty’s words.
“You should tell her.”
But she couldn’t tell. Even if they all sat there and said she should tell Mommy. They knew she couldn’t.
Because she knew all the bad things that would happen. Gary told her Mommy wouldn’t believe her. Mommy would be mad at her. The police would come and take Mommy away, and then Mommy wouldn’t ever come back, and then Rachel would be an orphan. Which was something not even Mr. Brown was exactly sure what it was, but they all knew it must be bad. Besides, she was trying to be good. And Mommy told her to be good. And Gary said that good girls don’t go telling secrets that make people upset.
Gary would usually be nice to her. After. After he would come into her room and do those things that made Rachel feel bad. For a few days after, he would say they could go to a movie or go to the Red Robin or something like that.
And that made Mommy smile again. Almost like she used to smile before Daddy had to go away. So if there was something that made Mommy hap
py after she was sad for so long, Rachel would feel sorry if she stopped it. Even if it made her feel bad.
Kitty said that Rachel should tell. Because Mommy should love her more than Gary. Bun Bun said they should all just find a good place to hide, so Gary couldn’t find them when Mommy wasn’t there. Mr. Brown just wished he was big again. So he could watch out for Rachel and Mommy like Daddy said.
The sound of Tyson’s Bark! Bark! Bark! soaked through the walls to mix and swirl with the noise from Gary’s TV show. Sometimes Rachel could hear a stomp stomp stomp when Gary went to the front door to look outside and yell at Tyson to “Shut up!”
Rachel hunkered on the bed with Bun Bun and Kitty and Mr. Brown. The four of them watched the door and hoped it would stay closed until Mommy came home.
***
Tyson had to go live with somebody else. Mommy told Rachel one day when Gary was at doctor’s appointment. “I’m sorry, Sweetest… Tyson was just so noisy. And he wouldn’t stop barking.”
“I know.”
“And then the neighbors kept complaining about the noise.”
“I know.” Mommy didn’t have to tell her all that. She knew about the barking. And about the neighbors.
“So we just thought it would be best if Tyson went to go live with somebody else.”
“I know.”
Rachel felt funny she wasn’t sad about Tyson leaving. It wasn’t that he bit her when she tried to play with him. He was still just a baby who didn’t know the rules. And Gary said that a dog like that was for protection, and not for playing with kids.
She was more sad about Kitty. Kitty, who Gary threw to Tyson to “Stop that goddamn barking.” Kitty, reduced to a few scraps of stuffing and fuzz. Kitty who was buried next to Terrance. Poor Kitty who was buried in a paper bag, because there wasn’t another shoe box.
So now there was just Gary to protect them. And Mr. Brown. Even though Daddy had already gone to that place far away so they would be safe.
Simple Things Page 31