by May Dawson
“Do what better?” My voice came out sharp.
“Do you remember when Levi said that Lilith has a harem? Back in the asylum?” Ryker asked.
I did remember. I remembered Levi saying harem and Ryker giving him a look, quickly correcting him. Protectors.
“We’re meant for you,” Ryker said, “And you’re meant for us. But there’s no rush. We can take it slow as you want.”
“You’re confusing the hell out of me.”
“You asked how our mom knew what we were,” Ryker said. “Well, neither of us have been monks. But we’ve been waiting for you. You’re the only one we can love. The only one we want.”
I flashed back to the fevered, healing kisses I’d shared with each of them, twined in their arms. “And you… both… want me?”
“All four of us will. All four of us do,” Levi corrected. “That’s why Jacob is so angry. He doesn’t want to have you chosen for him. He wants to be normal for once in his life.”
“As if that’s even possible,” Ryker muttered.
Olivia came back through the doorway, wearing a resolute expression and towing a resigned-looking Jacob by the hand. I felt a flash of jealousy, seeing the easy, comfortable way she touched him. She dropped his hand, her cheeks flushing.
“I should go,” she said.
I would have argued with her, but I was still trying to make sense of this harem madness.
Jacob’s eyes fell to the rings. I heard the quick, amused intake of his breath. “Idiots.”
“It’s tradition,” Levi said defensively.
“Doesn’t make it less stupid,” Jacob said.
I lurched to my feet, feeling thick-headed and dizzy all over again. I had so many questions. So that was why Ryker and Levi didn’t mind both kissing me? Kissing them felt so right, but it also went against everything I’d grown up with. Everything I used to think was right.
“Ellis?” Ryker reached for me, but I ducked away from that touch I loved so much, swiveling on my heel as I took a step back towards the stairs.
“I just need a few minutes to think,” I promised. “Just a little space. I’ll stay awake, I promise.”
With all the thoughts swirling in my head, I felt like I would never sleep again anyway.
“Happy birthday,” Jacob muttered, just before I turned and ran for the stairs.
Chapter 26
I fled back up the stairs to my room. Once I’d closed the door between me and the boys below, I rested my forehead on the wooden door, my hand still wrapped around the antique crystal doorknob. Part of me wanted to throw myself on the bed and cry, to let out all the emotion that had built up over my turbulent week, but my eyes were dry.
After Ash died, our friends had drifted away. I didn’t know if it was because they thought I was guilty for her death or because they just didn’t know how to deal with my ragged grief. I went to school every day, fragile and quiet, inclined to cry over stupid things. No one bullied me, but no one talked to me much either. And then at home, my mother was distant. Silent. At best. Sometimes she raged at me because she blamed me for Ash’s death, or just because I was there. I often came across her crying, and she often walked into a room and found me crying, but we didn’t talk about it. No one hugged me for a long time before Ryker and Levi wrapped their arms around me and made me safe and warm again.
I’d been so hated for so long. So deeply lonely. Now I wanted these boys and their affection so badly that it scared me. Could I ever really deserve to be wanted the way they seemed to want me?
I thought of Ryker’s story about Lilith, driving a knife into her own side in front of the Garden of Eden. For a second, I was there with her in the Garden, the sweet-scented grass soft beneath my bare feet, the cold iron of a blade pressed against my bare flesh. I could feel the depth of her loneliness and I knew just why she had screamed at God and the angels, desperate for love.
These men who were so magnetic to me would be an addiction. The more time I spent with them the more I would need them even more than I already did. And if they realized if I was unworthy? If they stopped loving me? It could drive me mad. I already longed too much to be wrapped in their hard-muscled arms, to breathe in the way they smelled, to feel the warmth and comfort that Levi’s body gave me or the heat and power that I felt when Ryker tilted my face to his and kissed me. They gave me life when they kissed me.
But didn’t that mean they could take it away?
And yet, even if I could walk away from this house and their love, to go back to my dour little existence before them, how could I ever do that?
I felt him before he knocked. There was the tell-tale sense of heat and a sudden surge of confidence, the gifts of that boy standing on the other side of the door. Maybe he, too, took a second to gather his thoughts, with a powerful arm braced against the side of the door, trying to figure out how to be what I needed now. How to comfort me.
But even though I knew he was there, the quick rap of his knuckles against the door still made me startle. My heart was pounding when I swung the door open.
Ryker stood in the doorway. He shoved his hands in his pockets, a slightly abashed look on his face. “Firestarter.”
I bit down on my lip, not sure what to say. I felt awful about running away from them. But I didn’t want to apologize, and then Ryker would apologize too, and it would all be even more awkward than it already was.
“You want to go for a walk? You don’t have to talk to me.” He nodded behind me at the bed. “Just want to make sure you don’t sleep.”
I ran my fingers through my hair, pushing it back from my face. “Not a chance of that.”
But I did want to walk with him, so I turned back and grabbed the leather jacket from the foot of the bed. I slipped it on, and when I turned back, there was a flash of recognition across his face. I thought about how at least they hadn’t given me their mother’s jewelry, even if the jewelry was a painfully awkward gift; it seemed like Wendy was everywhere in this house, in Jacob’s still-aching heart and Ryker and Levi’s grief and even me, in her old clothes, in the house that she had repaired and decorated and loved. I had so many questions about her. It seemed like understanding her and her relationships with her sons—who didn’t even know their own brothers—was important to understanding these men.
But there was time to unravel their secrets. Today I was still coming to terms with my own.
We walked back downstairs through an empty house—Levi and Jacob must have scattered after that strange scene—and jogged down the steps. It was twilight already, the day having passed in a blur, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before the no-sleep mandate expired. Funny how now I felt too jittery to sleep. A haze of rain was in the air, tinging the sky pink as the sun sunk low behind the pines, but although the air felt cool and wet, rain wasn’t falling yet.
“We have a running trail we keep up,” Ryker said, jerking his head towards an opening in the pines. “Rule one.”
I nodded and together we walked across the grass towards it, passing the deck where we’d had our barbecue lunch the day before. There was a fire pit still filled with black-crumpled logs and ash, a few logs rolled up around the sides, but it was such a big fire pit—as wide as I was tall—that I had to wonder if it did double duty. Supernatural work and s’mores. I would have to ask another day. For now, it was companionable to walk next to Ryker. I accidentally swayed into him, my shoulder brushing his, and I felt the spark of heat between our bodies even through my stiff leather sleeve.
We stepped under the pines, and I breathed in their scent of sap and greenery, and something else in the air too, the scent of decaying leaves and the dampness in the air. My head did feel clearer now, out in nature. We walked for a while with no sound but our shoes trampling the damp pine needles and soft earth underfoot.
I took a deep breath. “I’m glad you suggested we come out here.”
“Good.”
I glanced over at him, looking up through my eyelashes. He had sounded ge
nuinely satisfied, but his hands were still in his pockets, and he didn’t look my way. He must have caught me looking, though, from his peripheral vision, because his lips curled up slightly.
“I promised I wouldn’t talk,” he said.
“You are allowed to talk to me now,” I said, my lips quirking up too.
“I think I already did too much talking.” He caught a narrow branch that hung in front of us and pushed it out of the way. “Got to come back out and trim that back.”
“That was a little… surprising. That’s all.” I said. I didn’t want to ask him if those were supposed to be engagement rings. I didn’t think I could handle it if he said yes. I was only eighteen. Barely. Even though I couldn’t imagine leaving the boys behind, marriage was also for people who had known each other more than a week.
“Let’s just pretend it never happened.”
“It’s the first time a guy’s ever given me something shiny,” I said. Forget two guys giving me something shiny.
He turned to face me, his arms crossed over his chest now, a look of teasing exasperation written across his handsome face. “So are we… not pretending, then?”
“Sorry,” I said. “Does that mean I don’t get to keep them?”
He shook his head. “You’re right, Ellis. We’ve been looking for you a long time. We’ve always known…what to expect. But you haven’t.”
“Maybe we could go on a date.” My voice came out small.
He grinned. “Yeah. I’d like that.”
“Something that doesn’t involve poltergeists or death.”
“And you say I’m bossy.”
“I haven’t done anything fun in months,” I said. “Ever since Ash… it would be nice to do something fun.”
My cheeks immediately blazed, feeling disloyal. Yeah, it had been a real downer since my sister died. Maybe we could go roller-blading or to the movies? I turned away from Ryker, feeling the heat in my face, and hoped he wouldn’t notice. This was why ultimately the guys would have to realize how unworthy I was.
Ryker caught my wrist, swinging me around to face him, and his big hands settled on my shoulders. His face was worried, as if he knew I was on the verge of tears. For once, the big warrior who always had a plan didn’t know what to do. “Okay. We’ll do fun things. We’ll get to know each other outside of Hunting. Outside of… being the Four and the Lilith.”
I was blinking hard, and I could see the blur of tears hanging on the ends of my lashes. I couldn’t see more than a blur of his broad flannel chest through the tear-haze. “I should be focused. We have so much to learn—to go into the Far—”
“And the more we get to know each other and trust each other, the stronger we’ll be.” He tilted my chin up to meet his gaze.
He offered me just what I wanted, and the final dam broke, apparently, and I sobbed. The noise broke the quiet in the forest. Feeling humiliated, I tried to rub my sleeve over my eyes. But the leather just smeared the tears around. Right. Hunters didn’t cry. I bet their mother wasn’t a soggy mess. Hell, I bet Olivia could have dealt with all this better than I did.
“I shouldn’t be crying. I’m sorry.” It was embarrassing, constantly crying in front of these tough men when I was supposed to be worthy of a place among them.
“Firestarter,” he started to say, and then he didn’t have anything else. Levi would have known what was going on in my head, would’ve known the right thing to say, but Ryker just wrapped me tight in his arms, pulling me against his broad chest. My arms wrapped around his narrow waist, and I rested my face against the softness of his shirt.
Ryker’s stoic response was perfect too, in his own way.
I pressed my face into his shirt, feeling my tears soaking into his flannel even though he’d never complain, and then took a step back. I wiped my tears away with my fingers and tried to smile. “Thanks for letting me have my little breakdown.”
“It’s earned, Ellis.” He reached out and took my hand, and tugged me gently down the path. It was growing darker in the woods now, and we continued down the path.
We passed a little garden, almost like a makeshift temple; smooth river rocks were piled up on top of each other in a pyramid, and dried flowers were tucked between some of the rocks, their petals dull and stiff. An unlit tea light was nestled on top of the highest rock.
“What’s that?” I asked.
He hesitated. “My mom. This was where she wanted to be.”
“I wish I’d met her.”
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear too. “I wish you had too. She would have loved you. And she would’ve had so much to tell you, to teach you.” He ducked his head slightly, as if he were embarrassed. “And she probably would have prevented the ring fiasco.”
“What ring fiasco?” I asked innocently.
“Oh, so now we’re pretending. Thanks for the heads-up.”
I had to grin at that. I liked Ryker back to his blunt, quippy self. He tugged me on, and we swung our hands between us as we walked.
“Will you tell me more about her sometime?” I asked.
He nodded. “Yeah. As we get to know each other.”
I wanted to know how she had died. Jacob had implied the other day that Hunters usually had short life spans. This was certainly no easy life. But instead, we just walked as night fell. Ryker’s hand was warm and dry in mind, his fingers comfortably firm around my hand; I felt the constant thrum of the energy between us.
“We should head back to the house,” he said. “It’s almost time for bed. Finally.”
“I’m not sleepy anymore,” I said. I stopped and turned to him, hooking my fingers through the belt loops of his jeans.
He quirked an eyebrow at me. “You need to get a good night’s sleep, Firestarter. We’ve got training to do tomorrow.”
“I’m eighteen now,” I reminded him.
The first rain drops began to patter on the branches above us.
He wrapped his big hands around my hips. The way he touched me felt sweet and familiar. “You’re incorrigible.”
“I am when it comes to you.” I felt suddenly awkward, though, thinking of Levi. “This harem thing… it’s so different than what I’m used to. It feels so wrong.”
He nodded. “I can see where it feels strange. Not having had time to get used to the idea like we have.”
“I like you.” The words felt so insubstantial, so…nothing… compared to the helpless way I already adored him, body and mind. “And I like Levi too.” I watched his face, waiting for him to be angry, but he just nodded like he understood. Like that was meant to be.
“I don’t want you guys to like… end up hating each other. Because of me.”
“That’s not going to happen,” he promised me. He drew me closer, under his hard lower abs brushed against my waist. I felt another strum of sheer lust for him, and I bit down on my lip, trying to push down the powerful way my body responded to his.
His lips were near mine, his voice low and husky, when he told me, “You need to let go of what you used to think was right. You can feel this is right, can’t you? No matter what the rest of the world does. You are so loved.”
I couldn’t meet his eyes. “I don’t deserve that.”
“Oh, Ellie,” he said, his voice warm. He tilted my face up to his, those deep green eyes intent on mine. “You are perfect. Perfectly our Lilith. Perfectly loved. By all of us.”
His words touched me deeply, and a sense of warmth and peace flooded through my soul, but I pulled a teasing face. “Well…”
“Jacob will come around,” he said firmly.
And then he slipped his arm around my waist and kissed me firmly.
His lips met mine, confident and sure, and I felt that familiar spark of heat. I ran my hands over his hard-planed body. The rain began to splatter around us, soaking my hair to my head, but I didn’t want to stop kissing him. I wasn’t sure I could. The lust took me over now, and I ran my hands under his shirt, feeling the warmth of his body, the way each
ab was a distinct muscle under my palms. I could feel his abs tense with my touch, and I began to unbutton his shirt, my hands shaking with urgency.
I pushed his shirt back from his perfect body and groaned at the white t-shirt he wore underneath. He grinned at that, pulling it quickly off over his head, and I watched the way he took his t-shirt off, the way it revealed his lean waist, his pecs and powerful shoulders. There were faint freckles on his shoulders, faded now, and old scars as well as the new wound. I pressed my lips to his good shoulder, savoring the smoky, soapy scent of his body, feeling the warm smoothness of his skin beneath my lips. A raindrop beaded over a freckle, and I kissed the wetness away.
His hands slid beneath my shirt, over the small of my back. “You sure you want to do this here, Firestarter?”
“Yeah,” I said, and I saw him grin at the fervor in my voice.
“I forgot to say it,” he said, his lips nuzzling my ear. “But I like you too.”
“Yeah?”
“Mm-hmm.” He ran his fingers through my wet hair, pushing it away from my face; those green eyes studied my face fondly. “Even if we weren’t fated to want each other. Even if I hadn’t been waiting for you for years. I’d fall for you.”
“I’d like to believe that,” I said.
He rested a finger on my nose. “You are so beautiful. You’re strong even if you just soaked my shirt with your tears—don’t confuse sad with weak, Ellie. You belong in our world. You belong with me.”
I had to grin. There was a sweet pause between us while we stared into each other’s eyes, and then he smirked.
“So… you’re just going to leave me hanging?” he teased. “No here’s what I like about you, Ryker?”
“I think you know damn well that I adore you,” I said, running my hand from his waist up his smooth, muscled back. “I even like your jokes. And man, that means I must have it bad.”