Ash

by Julieanne Lynch

  “I’m sure it hasn’t been easy on either of you. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been. If you ever want to talk, or get a bite to eat,” she whispered, and paused for a second, looking around. “Like, only if you want to. I mean, my weekends are pretty flexible.”

  At that moment, I knew I had to let her down. “Ah, Cindy, thanks for the offer, but with Jake and work, I don’t have a lot of free time. Thanks for the offer. I appreciate it.”

  Her face turned red.

  I felt bad, but I couldn’t let her continue thinking she had a chance. False hope was a disease, and I wouldn’t do that to anyone.

  Cindy retreated to her small group of friends and avoided me.

  I let out a sigh of relief when the door opened.

  Jake’s eyes lit up when he saw me. “Daddy.” He squealed and ran toward me.

  “You ready to be the man?” I asked, lifting him into my arms.

  “Yup!” He laughed.

  The day was ours.

  Danny stuffed his mouth with noodles, leaving long strings hanging down over his chin.

  Jake burst into laughter. His little voice filled the restaurant.

  I sipped at my cola, watching the two of them at play.

  Danny continued chewing and filled his mouth with food until he let out a belch.

  “That is disgusting.” I sniggered.

  “What?” he asked, wiping his chin with the napkin. “Jake made me do it.”

  “I did not.” Jake giggled.

  Danny pulled a face. He rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out, resulting in Jake copying him. It was like babysitting two kids.

  “You guys ready?” I asked.

  They looked at each other and nodded in unison.

  “Then, let’s go get ready for some ball,” I replied.

  I paid the bill and took Jake’s hand.

  The three of us left the restaurant.

  Before we even thought about heading to the ball field, we made a pit stop by the apartment for a quick change. Danny and I wore our personalized shirts honoring the name of a fallen brother—Mackenzie Brown. It was a charity softball tournament set up by Mackenzie family in aid of the families of firefighters who lost their lives in the line of duty. We did this each year for the past six, and it had become a bit of a ritual. Now that Jake was old enough to understand the importance of the event, he loved taking part.

  Jake wore a miniature shirt with his own personalized number on the back. He put on his cap and sunglasses, and gave me the thumbs-up. It was hilarious and made me love him all the more.

  “You sure look the part,” I said.

  “You look cool, Daddy.” He beamed.

  Danny folded his arms across his chest and frowned. “And what about me, huh?”

  “You’ll pass.” Jake was quick to respond, and a wrestling matched ensued.

  Danny pulled Jake into his arms, and playfully fell to the floor. My son’s squeals filled the room. My best friend tickled him until Jake was subdued.

  “Do you give in?” Danny asked.

  “Yes.” Jake giggled.

  It was good that Jake had Danny in his life. I don’t think a child could have been more loved.

  Danny, through all our difficulties, was a permanent fixture in our lives. Jake adored him. My parents called him their second son, and to me, he was the brother I never had. He was irreplaceable.

  “Right, you two,” I shouted over their laughter. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

  Danny sucked in a deep breath, pulled a serious face, and glared at me.

  “And we were just getting started.” He pretended to sulk. “But we’ve a game to win, so let’s do this.”

  “Yeah, let’s do this.” Jake mimicked Danny’s fist-pump.

  They got up from the floor, picked up their caps, and stood together, waiting for me to give the command.

  “Seriously?” I asked, glaring at Danny.

  “Well, this one is on you, Lieutenant.”

  “Yeah.” Jake pointed his finger at me. “What he said.”

  I shook my head, laughed, and led the way out of the apartment with the gruesome duo in tow.

  A large crowd had already gathered.

  Jake’s little face lit up when we walked onto the diamond to greet the other players.

  Station Fifty-Two had been drawn to take us on, and I was a little riled up. Losing was never an option, and even though it was meant to be a lighthearted game, I loved the rush of competing.

  Joe had the majority of the squad out in full force. Only those unlucky enough not to be chosen remained back at the station on duty.

  “You guys ready to bring this home for Mackenzie?” He began his pep talk. Nods and murmurs of approval sounded in response. “Now, go easy on the oldies,” he continued, looking at each of us. “I have faith in you all. If you do right by the station, drinks will be on me all night.” He grinned.

  A few of the guys cheered upon hearing those words.

  Danny smirked.

  Matt rubbed his hands together.

  “You guys ready to play ball?” I asked, getting my head in the right frame of mind.

  “Damned straight,” Danny replied.

  I turned my attention back to Jake.

  My parents arrived on time and waved at me as I made my way over to where they stood.

  Jake ran on ahead of me and wrapped his arms around my mother’s legs. He held onto my mother’s hand as she handed him a Popsicle.

  My father smiled as I approached them.

  “Hey, Dad.”

  I shook his hand, something the two of us did every time we saw each other. It had become a formal way of us acknowledging each other, especially after the bad days.

  “Son,” he said, looking over my shoulder at the boys on the field. “It’s another good turnout for you boys.”

  I rested my hands on my waist and looked over at my team.

  Matt and Danny laughed and joked.

  Marco and Troy spoke to Tracey—no surprise there—and Sophia and Joe were in deep conversation.

  Carter and Tyler looked in my direction.

  Tyler ushered me over.

  “Okay, I’m gonna have to go,” I said. “Jake, you be good, alright?”

  “Yes, Daddy,” he replied.

  I ruffled his hair before running back over to the team.

  Seeing the crowd, many happy faces coming together to witness something great, brought a sense of pride to me. The energy was infectious.

  The green diamond surrounded by brown dirt and grass into the outfield was a remarkable sight. The entire field was dotted with the players—firefighters and medics—all together to have the time of their lives.

  The home plate umpire stepped forward and yelled, “Play ball!”

  Troy was the first batter and stepped into the box.

  The umpire signaled the pitcher for the first pitch to be thrown. “Strike!” he shouted, and the game began. 

  Troy lasted for two more strikes and was then retired.

  “Fuck my life,” he said, red-faced.

  Joe pointed at him and smiled. “Less of the face. It’s just a game.”

  Those words were true, but to me, this was more than a game. I didn’t want Station Fifty-Two walking away from this the victors. They were already cocky bastards.

  I stepped into the box and took a few deep breaths, watching the pitcher.

  He kept his eyes on me the whole time, chewing his gum.

  The ball came toward me, hard and fast. It was a hit, skimming along the ground toward the shortstop. Before I had the chance to build up any momentum as I ran, I heard the words, “Out!” I cleared the field, and the game continued like this for a while.

  Until Danny stepped into the box. He blasted a line drive to the right field wall and a two runs score. Our luck changed.

  Three hours later, we were the home victors and lifted the trophy, bringing
it home to its rightful place.

  It was a bittersweet moment when Mackenzie’s wife, Denise, hugged me, and said, “Thank you for everything you continue to do.”

  “You know how I feel, Denise. Only giving back what I can. It doesn’t hurt to care,” I replied.

  Jake ran toward me and jumped into my arms.

  “Is this little Jake?” Denise asked.

  “Yup,” I replied, like the proud father I was.

  “My, how you’ve grown,” she said to Jake. “And so handsome like your daddy.”

  Jake turned and buried his face against the curve of my neck.

  “He gets a little shy.” I laughed.

  Denise smiled and turned her attention to Joe.

  I was slightly relieved. I walked back toward the stand to where my father sat.

  My mother was busy doing the rounds, talking to Danny and Tyler.

  “Hey, Pops.” I sat down beside him.

  “Good game, kid,” he remarked, and patted me on the shoulder.

  “Come off it, Dad. I was terrible.” I shook my head.

  My dad sniggered and nodded. “Yeah, you weren’t exactly in the zone, but hey, it happens to the best of us.”

  My father wasn’t one to give false praise, not when he knew I preferred blunt honesty. He was an ex-marine, who fought long and hard for everything he has. I had the utmost respect for him, though I wasn’t always so sure it was mutual. My old man wasn’t as forgiving as my mother. Then again, while he’d been away in Iraq, I’d been a nightmare at sixteen years of age.

  Jake sat down beside me and waved at Danny. “Can I go see Uncle Danny?”

  “Sure,” I replied. “Just take it easy. Don’t run.”

  “Okay, Daddy.” He beamed and stepped down carefully.

  Danny waited nearby with open arms.

  My dad relaxed a little more. “He’s a precious little thing,” he remarked. “He brings out the best in you. In all of us.”

  I grinned. It wasn’t often that my dad praised my parenting skills. If the truth were told, he was the one dead set against Connie’s obsession with having her eggs frozen and the subsequent surrogacy.

  “Every time I look at him, I see Connie,” I admitted.

  Saying her name aloud left a pain in my chest. My heart felt like it was being crushed all over again. I couldn’t stand the ache, but I could never deny her existence. She should have been there, sitting beside me, watching our little boy enjoying life. The universe had other plans, however, and I fucking hated the broken excuse for a man I’d become.

  “She was a good girl. Very spirited,” my father agreed, and chuckled. “Do you remember that one Christmas she bought you and her matching jumpers, and made you sit under the tree eating those god-awful cookies she made?”

  The memory alone filled my eyes with tears. “Yeah, she said she wanted to make memories. I itched for days after wearing that thing. We were both covered in hives.” I laughed. “And those cookies, they were so bad. Mom wouldn’t even let Rosco eat them.”

  My dad rested a hand on my shoulder. “I knew, back then, that she would be good for you,” he said in a soft voice. “It’s a shame Jake won’t get to know her.”

  As those words left my father’s mouth, all the sorrow and grief flocked inside me. I wanted to cry like a baby. Not very manly, but at that moment, I couldn’t have cared less.

  “I think I’m gonna go check on Jake,” I said, and stood. “Chat with you later, Dad.”

  “Take it easy, son.” He looked up at me and saw the hurt in my eyes.

  I made my way across the field, hearing Jake’s screams in the distance. Everything spun around me. My head and heart pounded. Tunnel vision took over. I couldn’t bear to think beyond finding him. This was every parent’s worst nightmare.

  My heart galloped hard in my chest. I walked past the guys.

  They looked at me, confused.

  I didn’t hear a word that was said. My ears had a horrifying ringing sound inside them. Jake was my priority, and I couldn’t see him. Sweat seeped into the palms of my hands. I was on the verge of screaming his name.

  My mouth grew dry when I saw Jake. He lay in Sophia’s arm.

  She saw me and briskly walked to where I stood, frozen in place.

  “What’s . . . what’s wrong?”

  “He’s had a fall,” she replied. “But he’s okay.”

  Sophia rested him on her hip and tried to console him.

  “Jesus Christ,” I muttered, and held my arms out to him.

  He slid into my arms and sniffled, crying into my neck. “I wanted the balloon.”

  “Was he climbing?” I asked.

  “I think so,” she said, and wrapped a hand around his back. “But we fixed that boo-boo up, didn’t we?”

  Jake shifted and nodded.

  “Thanks.” I stared at her and closed my eyes for a split second.

  “I didn’t know you had a son.” Sophia continued to stand there.

  “Yup, this is Jake,” I answered.

  Sophia smiled and folded her arms across her chest. “He’s cute.”

  “Thanks.”

  “So is your wife here?” she asked.

  “No.”

  “Ah, an absent mother, perhaps.” She said the words in her best judgmental voice, which got on my nerves.

  “My mommy’s in heaven,” Jake blurted out, and squirmed in my arms.

  I released him from my grip.

  He ran back to where Danny stood and left me alone with Sophia.

  She looked ashamed for putting me on the spot. No sooner had I noticed the change in her posture, she became the arrogant idiot I’d first met.

  “Well, that was a conversation killer, huh?”

  I couldn’t believe it. My kid had just told her that his mother was dead, and she made a joke out of it.

  “You know what? Thanks for patching my kid up, but please never speak to me again. Not unless we’re on duty.”

  “Did I say something wrong?”

  I walked away before I said something I’d regret. I wasn’t in the mood for making a scene, and I had a feeling she actually got a kick out of pissing me off.

  She didn’t get the message and was hot on my tail. “I was talking to you.”

  “And I’m not remotely interested in holding a conversation with you.” I glared at her.

  “What? All because I mentioned your dead wife?”

  I stopped in my tracks and turned to face her. It took all of my restraint to hold my anger at bay.

  “Listen, Sophia, I don’t get your game. Are you trying to bust my balls? Because I’m confused.”

  She stood in front of me, her brow furrowed. “I was just trying to be polite, but you have to be an arrogant asshole.”

  I shoved my face closer to hers and pointed my finger at her. I could feel my nostrils flare.

  She didn’t move an inch. Instead, she stood there, smirking at me.

  “Fuck you,” I muttered.

  “If you keep saying that, I might have to take you up on the offer,” she replied, raising an eyebrow.

  For the first time in a while, I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t expected her to be so quick and say something like that in retaliation. It made me feel stupid for losing my cool. I turned away. The anger simmered.

  “I think I’m going to take Jake home,” I said.

  “Aren’t you going to the cookout at Joe’s?”

  I looked at her and noticed her smile. She was actually quite pretty when she wasn’t miserable.

  “I will after I get my kid settled,” I replied.

  It was awkward standing there, engaging in conversation, when two minutes earlier I would have buried her alive with my words.

  “I guess I’ll see you back at Joe’s.”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  I walked away scratching my head. It was, without a doubt, the weirdest exchange I’d had with anyone f
or a while.

  “Why can’t I go to the cookout, Daddy?” Jake asked as I tucked him into bed.

  “Because it’s not a place where little boys or girls need to be.” I placed Mr. Rufkins beside him.

  “That’s not fair.” He pulled a face and hugged his teddy tight against his chest.

  I chuckled and sat on the bed.

  Jake didn’t find it amusing at all and frowned at me.

  “Jake, you’re only a little boy. I won’t have you engaging in an adult environment. It’s not healthy,” I said. “And besides, you’ve had a really long day and need your sleep.”

  “But I’m not tired.” He yawned.

  “Oh, really?”

  He nodded.

  “Then, why don’t you just lie there and don’t sleep at all,” I added before kissing him goodnight. “Hey, I love you, kiddo.”

  “I love you, too, Daddy,” he replied, and turned onto his side.

  I left the room and thought about hitting the sack myself.

  My mother sat on the sofa in the living room reading a book. She looked up from the page and smiled at me.

  “Is he settled?”

  “For now. He didn’t want to miss out on the fun at the station,” I admitted. “But he’s tired and should be asleep soon.”

  My mother looked tired. Of course, she’d never admit it. That wasn’t my mother’s style. Instead, she would soldier on and do everything she could to help me.

  “You should try and have a little fun,” she remarked. “It won’t kill you to let your hair down once in a while.”

  I sat down beside her and ran a hand over my face. “And by fun you mean women, right?”

  My mother chuckled and hit my arm with her book. “Well, you are a young man. I’m sure you aren’t short of female attention, honey.”

  “Mom, I’m not gonna sit here and talk about my sex life with you. That’s just awkward.” My cheeks grew warm.

  “Oh, sweetheart, sex is sex. Where do you think you came from?” She laughed.

  I couldn’t stand it any longer. It was gross considering my parent’s engaging in any kind of sexual activity. I got up, grabbed my keys from the table, and walked toward the front door.