Ash

by Julieanne Lynch

  “No . . . no . . . you’ve got this wrong. You said the chemo had worked.” My voice sounded strained as I stared at my wife, tears filling my eyes.

  She said nothing and remained emotionless, gazing at a picture on the wall behind her oncologist.

  The doctor looked at me. He set his pen down on the table and closed one hand over the other.

  “It had, but the disease has come back and is more aggressive than ever.”

  “So what do we do?”

  My hands shook. My heart resounded in my head.

  “We begin four sessions of chemo, followed by six weeks of chemoradiation, and three sessions of brachytherapy,” he said.

  I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to hear this. This wasn’t how we had thought our life would go.

  Connie turned her head and stared at me. “We can beat this, right?”

  I didn’t know how to respond. We were just given the worst possible news, and she was asking me if we could beat the disease. I wanted to believe we could, but already, she was so tired.

  “Yes, you are a born fighter.”

  “Connie,” the doctor said. “I know this is a lot to take in, but we will give this our best shot. So let’s schedule you in for treatment.”

  Everything was so matter of fact. We sat there, listening and nodding our heads, neither of us able to comprehend the rocky road ahead.

  As we drove home later that day, Connie remained silent. She stared out the window with a pensive look on her face.

  “Connie.” It hurt saying her name.

  She glanced at me.

  “I love you,” I said, my voice breaking.

  Her half smile almost broke my heart. “I’ll love you until my last breath and for all eternity.”

  I took a deep breath and choked back the pressure building in my chest. I wanted to cry, to scream, to smash my fists against the steering wheel. Anything to get rid of the fear and pain. I was so fucking angry. How could we be dealt blows like this time after time? Hadn’t she suffered enough already?”

  “We will get through this. I know we can,” I replied.

  “And what if we don’t?”

  “Honey, please don’t talk like it’s already beaten you.”

  “Ash.”

  I looked at her.

  “Whatever happens, just always love me.”

  “What are you on about?” I raised my voice, trying to force a smile.

  “If I die, you have to promise me that you will live a good life, but keep me in your heart.”

  I shook my head. “That’s not going to happen. Okay? Because you aren’t dying. Fuck sake, Connie. You’ve a little boy who adores you at home. You need to fight for him.”

  She turned the stereo up and averted her gaze out the window, not saying another word.

  Everything in our world changed that day. Nothing ever prepares you for what lies ahead.

  Sometimes, when I allowed the grief to consume me, it riddled me with guilt. So many different emotions overtook my mind that I found it both overwhelming and ridiculous. You’d imagine a man like me would be used to living with scars. Some are so deeply embedded in my soul, I wondered if I’d ever find the strength to overcome the internal struggle.

  What I was going to do for Andrés brought all those things to the surface. Revisiting the past was a way of reminding myself that everything comes to an end. Life, a cycle, a continuous unmerciful journey, can be ended in a flash.

  There was no way I could sleep. Not now.

  I sat up and threw the covers off me. I slipped to the edge of the bed and grabbed my phone, scrolling down to Sophia’s name. She was on duty, but that wasn’t enough to stop me from texting her.

  Can I see you Saturday night?

  Her reply came shortly after six a.m.

  Yes.

  A little part of me wished she’d ignored me. Yet, I was glad she answered. She was my saving grace. Who would ever have thought that?

  Connie would always be in my heart. My first and forever love. Sophia was the light at the end of a long tunnel, and though I knew it couldn’t go anywhere, she gave me hope.

  By the time Friday came, I was a walking disaster, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing that would have brought suspicion my way.

  Felipe called me once, letting me know that things were set in place and that my spot of trouble would be dealt with.

  I had mixed emotions about the whole thing. For a brief moment, I considered calling everything off and trying to handle the whole Marcy thing a different way. Marcy proved just how much she needed to be put in her place, however.

  I was packing Jake’s weekend bag when the doorbell rang.

  “Daddy, the door,” Jake roared from the bathroom.

  “I hear it,” I said, and walked up the hall to open the door.

  Marcy stood before me, a frown on her face, her eyes narrowed.

  I sighed with dismay. “What the hell do you want?”

  “Where do you get off on trying to make a fool out of me?” she asked in a contemptuous tone.

  “You’ve done that all on your own, Marcy. It’s got nothing to do with me.”

  “Really?” She laughed. “Funny, it’s got everything to do with you. Or have you forgotten just how shitty you are as a man?”

  “You know what, I’ve a life. I don’t have time for you or your crazy bullshit, so just move on, Marcy. It’s over.”

  She smirked and shook her head, peering over the rim of her glasses at me. “It’s over when I say it’s over.”

  “Who is it, Daddy?” Jake’s voice thundered up the hall.

  “No one, wrong address,” I shouted, and glared at her. “Get the hell away from my door, or I’m calling the cops.”

  “Ooooh, Ash Benton, all grown up! Do I look like I’m scared?”

  “Fuck off, Marcy. Go play with someone else’s head. We’re done.”

  I slammed the door in her face and locked it.

  Jake ran up the hall, pretending to be an airplane.

  “Did you wash your hands?” I asked.

  “Sure, I got all the poop off.”

  I chuckled and composed myself. “Hey, that’s not even funny.”

  “It is. Poop is yucky, Daddy. Poopy bum bum.”

  I burst into laughter. There was something so infectious about a child’s sense of humor that it made all the dark feelings disappear. For a while, at least.

  I fixed us something to eat and sat across from him.

  “Will Grandma let me sit up late?” he asked, and finished off his sandwich.

  “That all depends on how good you are.”

  “But Daddy, I’m always good.”

  “Are you sure about that?” I raised an eyebrow at him.

  He thought for a moment and grinned. “Well, most of the time I am.”

  “Then, I guess that makes everything okay.”

  “Sure, it does, Daddy.”

  The kid was definitely a chip off the old block. What could I say? He had a knack for making my day so much better.

  “You ready?” I asked.

  He let out a belch and giggled. “Yup.”

  “Then, let’s go to Grandma’s.”

  He ran to this room, grabbed his plush Mushi Monster, and raced back to me. “Can’t forget Dewy, Daddy.”

  “Oops, no, you can’t.” I carried his bag and opened the door.

  As I drove off, a car pulled out from behind me and followed.

  Great, I thought. Just what I need.

  I drove slowly, checking my rear-view mirror, memorizing the number plate of the black Grand Cherokee. With its tinted windows, it was hard to see the driver’s face. I’d never seen the Jeep before, and it didn’t fill me with confidence. Shortly before I turned off, the Jeep slowed down and pulled in along the sidewalk, coming to a complete stop.

  Nervous and angry, I wracked my brains, trying to figure out who it was as I made the journey to
my parents. A little over twenty minutes later, we pulled up outside my parent’s home.

  Jake jumped out of the truck when I opened his door.

  My mother greeted us at the door with her usual warm smile. “Hello, sweetheart.” She touched Jake’s face, and he disappeared inside. “And how’s my boy?”

  She always did that when she was trying to be a smartass. I let her have her moment.

  “I’m good. Just make sure he doesn’t have a ton of juice before bed. I’ll be here Monday to pick him up.”

  “Are you not coming in?” she asked, surprised.

  “No, I’ve a ton of stuff to do, and I feel shitty already for having to leave him,” I replied. “I’ll just sneak off and let him wrap you and Pops around his fingers, like always.”

  “Well, he is our only grandchild. What do you expect?” She laughed. “Have a good weekend, honey. Jake will have a wonderful time.”

  I kissed her cheek and wanted nothing more than to be her little boy again. At least that way I would have been saved from what I was about to do.

  “I love you, Mom.”

  As I left, the weight of the world was suddenly on my shoulders, and it was all my own doing.

  The phone rang just after midnight. I’d been expecting the call all evening. I swallowed a hard lump of bile. My hands shook, the sweat seeping in the palms of my hands. I felt sick to the core. How could I not? Everything was about to change, and I prayed to God no blood had been spilled.

  I cleared my throat and answered the call. “Hello?”

  “Ash.” Andrés’ voice sounded smooth.

  “Andrés, I’ve been expecting this call.” I kept my cool.

  “Good.” He chuckled. “We have some nice video footage for your viewing.”

  Fuck! They videoed it? I thought.

  “I’m not sure that is something I want to see,” I replied.

  He tutted and sighed. “It would be a shame. She is quite the fighter. Although, the wind has been truly knocked from her sails.”

  “She wasn’t . . . hurt?”

  He laughed in response. “What kind of man do you think I am?”

  “Andrés, I mean no disrespect, but I know exactly what kind of man you are. I’m not stupid.”

  I could tell he was amused by my blunt honesty.

  “Ash, some things will never change. I can honestly say she is fine. A little bruised, maybe. Perhaps a little shaken. But certainly afraid to sleep with the lights off.”

  I knew this villain. The very man who made me reevaluate what I wanted in life. The road in which he wanted me to travel didn’t bode well once I was introduced the sinister side of his crimes. I despised myself for even going to him, but he was man who did the job well, and there would be no ties to me.

  “There is a black Cherokee parked a hundred yards from the front of your block. I’ll see you in five minutes,” Andrés said, and ended the call.

  Without wasting a moment, I grabbed my keys and left the apartment. My mouth was dry, as though I’d swallowed sand. I couldn’t shake the unease swarming through me. I had to put on a show and refused to allow Andrés to see that I was way out of my comfort zone.

  The Jeep was parked along the side of the road. As I approached it, the rear passenger opened, and I stepped inside. Smoke filled my nostrils as the door closed.

  Andrés smiled, puffing on his cigarette. “This is a nice part of town,” he remarked. “You’ve come a long way, my friend.”

  “It’s home.” I glared at him.

  “Yes, I can see that, and from what Felipe has told me, you’re a good father.”

  “I try my best,” I replied. “Connie was a good teacher.”

  “Yes, sweet little Connie.” I hated how he said her name. “She had the balls of a hundred men. God rest her soul.” He blessed himself.

  I was getting irritated and swallowed the pent-up rage that simmered beneath the surface. “Cut to the chase.”

  Andrés laughed, flicking his cigarette out the window.

  “Always so impatient. We’re going for a little ride.”

  “This wasn’t the deal,” I said.

  “No, this wasn’t the deal, but this is education, compadre.”

  Fuck, this was what I hated the most about the man. He was unpredictable. Everything told me to jump out of the Jeep, but they knew where I lived and could pin so much on me. It wasn’t worth the risk.

  I took a deep breath and focused on the present. I tried to make sure I didn’t let any of my fear rise to the surface.

  “So, tell me about Jake,” he said.

  “I don’t want to talk about my kid.”

  “I had a son once,” he admitted. “He was everything to me.”

  I stared him.

  “He was born on the Fourth of July, of all dates, and he brought the greatest sense of pride. He was a noisy little shit, but that didn’t matter because he was mine.” He paused and turned his head in my direction. “He would’ve been almost nine years old now.”

  I bit the inside of my lip, watching his eyes glaze over. I gulped down a breath and asked, “What happened?”

  He lifted his fingers, pressed them against his right temple, and made a popping sound. “His mama didn’t want me in her life, so she shot my boy in the head before killing herself.”

  “Jesus fucking Christ,” I muttered.

  “Right in front of me.” He nodded. “I’ll never forget the way he fell or the look of fear on his face as his mama put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. She warned me that she’d teach me a lesson, and sure as hell, she gave me an education on how far bitches will go to ruin a man.”

  I was dumbfounded. I hadn’t expected this at all.

  “I’m sorry, man,” I said, shaking my head.

  “It’s not your fault, only the bitch that’s burning in hell.” He was angry.

  “I can never understand someone taking the life of a child, nevermind their own.”

  He chuckled before his voice turned serious. “Never underestimate the devious mind of a poisonous bitch.”

  It all began to make sense. By him helping me, he was using Marcy as a way of avenging his child’s death, which was an unnerving realization.

  The Jeep came to a stop, and the door was opened.

  “Let’s take a walk,” Andrés ordered, and I got out of the Jeep.

  We were at St. Boniface Catholic Cemetery. I glanced at Andrés, and he nodded toward a path.

  Andrés and I walked side by side. The presence of his henchmen behind us gave me a sense of impending doom.

  “I buried him just up here,” he announced. “It was a beautiful service.”

  Relief washed over me. “I can’t imagine what this has done to you.”

  “It’s made me a very bitter man,” he admitted. “But I am fair when it comes to business.”

  “Why are we here?” I asked.

  “Because I like you, Ash. I always did. Even when you thought you knew better than me, I always liked and respected you. That doesn’t happen often. That’s something you know very well.”

  “But why here?”

  He sighed. “You’ve a beautiful son. A child with a future. Something I had, but he now rests eternally. This is not a fate I wish to bestow on any man. When you came to me with your problem, I had my boys do a little digging. I like to know everything. They dug and dug some more, and found a lot of nasty shit about your friend. She really is a piece of work.”

  I could feel the bile rise to the back of my throat. I cleared it.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Oh, she was going to town on you, man. She had a list of everyone in your life. They were all targets. She was getting ready to report you to child services. It’s just as well that you came to me when you did.”

  I shook my head. “She was going to report me for child abuse?”

  “And everything else.”

  “Fuck!”

&nb
sp; “My man, that is only the tip of the iceberg,” he said.

  “What?”

  Andrés laughed and snapped his fingers at Felipe.

  Felipe walked over to us and handed him a phone.

  Andrés flicked through it and held it up for me to see. “Take a look, and tell me what you see,” he said.

  I grabbed the phone and scrolled through the images.

  Marcy’s small apartment office hadn’t changed much. Her desk was still a mess with notebooks, envelopes, and Post-It notes strewn across its surface. Pinned on the notice board above her desk were pictures of Jake and I. Dates and times, where we had gone, what we had done.

  “What the fuck?” I muttered.

  On closer inspection, she had a list of everyone I knew, from Danny, my parents, right down to Tracey. It was ridiculous. She had actually been following me.

  “What has she been doing?” I asked, shifting my gaze to Andrés.

  “Well, it appears that your lady friend has a bit of an obsession with you, my compadre.”

  I sucked in a deep breath and asked the one thing I hadn’t wanted to. “You mentioned something about a video?”

  “I thought you’d never ask.” Andrés grinned and took the phone from me. “Let’s take this back to the Jeep. I don’t want this stuff around my kid.”

  We walked back to the Jeep and got in.

  He lit a cigarette and pressed play, handing the phone to me.

  I watched the darkness on the screen. They were inside the apartment, waiting on her return. Then, there was the sudden sound of keys opening a door and a light came on.

  Marcy walked around the living room and switched on the light by her desk. A loud bang, something falling got her attention. She looked up and stared.

  “What the fuck?” She gasped.

  The camera moved in her direction, focusing in on her facial expressions. Her eyes were narrowed, her brow furrowed. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and walked cautiously in the direction of the kitchen.

  Bang!

  A noise came from behind her. When she turned around, she came face-to-face with a masked man.