The Walls Around Us

by John Rector

  My ears were ringing and I couldn’t focus. I pushed myself up onto my knees and saw Max standing over me. He had the gun. He pulled the clip with the grace of a man used to handling guns and shook his head. “What the fuck were you planning?”

  I lost my wind when I hit the pavement, and I struggled to breathe. When I did, I said, “You tried to blow up the diner.”

  “Is that what this is about?” He kicked me and I felt the toe of his boot connect with my ribs. Something popped inside, and the pain screamed across my chest. “That shit-hole restaurant?”

  He grabbed my hair and forced the barrel of the gun into my mouth, snapping off a piece of a tooth. I felt it slide between my tongue and my cheek and into the back of my throat. I swallowed.

  “You pull a gun on me?” He was shouting. “Over some fucking diner?”

  My eyes crossed, and I couldn’t see. My ears were ringing and I felt my bladder let go. When Max noticed he took the gun out of my mouth and stepped back.

  “You’re a pathetic piece of shit.” He spit and I felt in land in my hair. “If I see you again, I’ll fucking kill you.”

  He turned back toward the grey Mercedes, and that was when I found my voice. “Why?”

  Max turned and swung the gun, hitting me in the face. I felt my nose go, and the world exploded in light. I fell forward and blood pooled under me.

  Max grabbed my hair and leaned in close, shouting. The noise in my head was too loud, and his words were lost in the roar. Blood ran down the back of my throat and I coughed. Max pulled away –fast, letting me fall.

  And this time, in darkness, there was no ground to catch me.

  ~

  “Jack?”

  The voice seemed too far off to be aimed at me. I was lost somewhere else, adrift in the haze.

  “Jack, can you hear me?”

  The voices moved closer. I tried to open my eyes, and the light dug into my brain. The pain seemed to come from everywhere at once. I pushed myself up. “Wh—”

  Someone put a hand on my chest. “Easy, you’re in the hospital.”

  I waited, letting my eyes get used to the light. When I opened them again, the pain was still there but it was further away, muted by whatever painkillers I was on.

  Ava was standing over the bed. Sergeant Nash was behind her, smiling. He reached forward and touched my leg. “Good to have you back.”

  Ava handed me a plastic cup of water. I drank, and the pain in my throat cooled. “What happened?”

  “Someone beat you up pretty bad,” she said. “You were brought here in an ambulance.”

  “How long?”

  “Two days ago. You’ve been in and out ever since.”

  “Jesus.” I tried to sit up, and I felt my ribs shift inside my chest. The pain was incredible, and I eased back against the mattress. There were bandages wrapped around my chest and head. I had a feeling they were the only thing keeping me in one piece.

  “Do you know who did this to you?” Ava asked. “Did you get a look at them?”

  I looked over her shoulder at Nash. He frowned and looked away. I turned back to Ava. “Yeah,” I said. “I have a pretty good idea.”

  I told her what had happened. When I was done she nodded slowly and pulled the blanket up. “I’m going to find the nurse.”

  I watched her walk out. For a while I just sat there, staring at the ceiling, waiting for Nash to start in on how stupid I was and how I was lucky to be alive. Of course, I saw that for myself.

  “She’s going to leave me,” I said. “Do you know that?”

  “Wouldn’t be a bad move.”

  Right then, lying in that bed, I almost agreed with him.

  Neither of us spoke for a while, then Nash came up next to the bed. “I have some bad news. I wanted to tell you personally.”

  “So tell me.”

  “Marcus was shot last night. He’s dead.”

  I tried to sit up, and the pain made my eyes water. “It was Stover,” I said. “I told him I knew he tried to blow up the diner. Now you can go after him. You can—”

  “No.” Nash put a hand on my shoulder, pushing me back. “It wasn’t Stover.”

  I eased back in the bed. “Who?”

  “It was his son, Phil. We arrested him this morning. Apparently, Marcus went by his apartment and there was a fight.” He paused. “Phil owed some money to some people, and instead of going after him, they thought they’d prove a point and go after his family. Marcus knew it, and I guess it got to be too much to keep inside. He confronted the kid about it, and Phil shot him.”

  When he finished, I didn’t speak for a long time. When I did, I said, “Will you get me a mirror?”

  “You might want to wait a while, Jack. I don’t think you want to see it yet.”

  I asked him again. This time he gave in. He found a handheld mirror by the nurse’s station and only hesitated for a moment before handing it to me.

  When I pulled the bandages off, I didn’t recognize my reflection. My nose was gigantic. It spread across my face like an eggplant, and a slow dark fluid leaked from my nostrils, drying into a thick black clump over my upper lip.

  “Oh, Christ,” I said.

  Nash had turned away when I peeled back the first bandage. Now, he was staring out the window, and when he spoke, it was to the glass. “The doctor said it would be better once it healed, but you’ll need plastic surgery to get it to look the way it used to.”

  “No,” I said. “No surgery.”

  He turned toward me. “Don’t make that decision yet. See how it heals, see if you change your mind.”

  I knew he was trying to help, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t getting plastic surgery.

  I wanted to remember, every time I looked in a mirror, what carelessness and stupidity looked like.

  ~

  After the second day in the hospital I declared myself cured. The doctor didn’t agree. He said since I lost consciousness I needed to stay under observation for a couple days. Also, the blow to my face shattered my sinus, and if I didn’t have surgery I could lose my sense of smell completely. He said there would probably be some loss either way, but with luck…

  I told him no.

  He crossed his hands over his lap. “You’re a chef, right? No sense of smell means no sense of taste.”

  I told him I was leaving.

  This time he didn’t argue.

  Ava was set to pick me up that afternoon, and I waited for her in the hospital lobby. When she didn’t show I tried calling her from the payphone outside.

  No answer.

  The next call I made was to yellow cab, and twenty minutes later they dropped me off in front of my apartment building. I paid the driver and got out.

  It took time to pull myself up the stairs to my apartment. I stood outside the door, staring at the scarred wood. When I was ready, I took out my key and slid it in the lock. It went in and so did I.

  I knew what I’d find.

  Ava was gone.

  I sat on the couch for a while, staring at the empty spot where Jacob’s crib had been, then got up and went to the kitchen.

  I pulled some turkey and cheese from the refrigerator. There were spots of mold on the cheese, and I broke them off with my fingers and dropped them in the sink. I found a couple pieces of stale bread in a bag on the counter and used them to put together a sandwich.

  Outside on the fire escape, the wind was strong. I wondered where the homeless were staying tonight, if they had a place to go when the weather turned bad.

  The sandwich was dry, but I ate it anyway.

  I didn’t taste a thing.

  Rivers

  “Where are we going?” Megan is behind me, kicking my seat.

  “To the river,” I say. “A spot I know.”

  “But it’s dark out.”

  “That’s the best time.”

  Megan mumbles something I can’t hear, but Tanya hears it and turns around.

  “I told you we’d take you to Julie’s. You didn�
��t have to come along.” She takes a penny from the center console and throws it at her. “You could’ve gone and played dollies with your friends.”

  “We don’t play with dolls.”

  Tanya turns back to the front. “Whatever.”

  “Besides, Mom said you had to take me with you.”

  I look at her in the rear view mirror. “Do you do everything your Mom tells you to do?”

  Megan is quiet for a moment. “What do you mean?”

  “Nothing.” I look over at Tanya. She smiles at me.

  “You guys just want to be alone so you can do it.”

  Tanya laughs and turns around. “What?”

  “I said you guys want to do it. That’s why you don’t want me here.”

  There’s an awkward silence. I keep my eyes on the road. One of my headlights is out, and I wonder if I’ll get pulled over tonight.

  I can’t look at Tanya.

  “You don’t even know what that means,” Tanya says.

  “I do so.” Megan says. “I heard Mom talking about it. She said if she finds out, she’ll put bars on your windows and tie your knees together until you’re twenty.”

  “Yeah, whatever.” Tanya takes a cigarette from her purse.

  “You can’t smoke in here,” I say. “It’s my Dad’s car. He doesn’t smoke.”

  She puts it back, and takes a beer from the brown bag by her feet. She opens the bottle and turns back toward Megan. “You better not say a word.”

  Megan doesn’t answer. She’s leaning against the door, staring out into the darkness.

  Tanya hands me the beer. “I know she’s going to say something. She lives to get me in trouble.”

  “Naw,” I say, raising my voice. “She won’t say anything. She’s too cool for that, right, Megan?”

  They both look at me like I’m an idiot. I decide to keep quiet until we get to the river.

  ~

  When we pull into the parking lot Tanya gets out and lights a cigarette. She walks over to Megan, whispers something in her ear, and they both head toward the path that leads past the grove of cottonwoods to the river. “I’ll be right back,” Tanya says.

  There’s no moon tonight, and all I see is the red tip of Tanya’s cigarette moving up and down between two dark shapes. I look up at the swirl of stars, bright and deep against the black sky, and I think about my brother. He must’ve hated me when I was younger, before he left for college.

  Probably natural, I suppose.

  I hear Megan yell, and Tanya yell back, but the wind covers the sound and I can’t tell what they’re saying. The red glow of Tanya’s cigarette moves toward me. When she gets closer, I ask what happened.

  “I told her to go and sit by the water.” She turns and looks over her shoulder. “My Mom isn’t going to let me out of the house after this.” She puts the cigarette to her lips and her face glows red. “Oh well, might as well enjoy tonight, right?”

  We stand there for a while, quiet, not looking at each other. My stomach hurts, my arms are weak, and my tongue feels too big behind my teeth. I take another drink and drop the empty bottle on the ground. “You want to sit in the car?” I say, not looking up.

  Tanya drops her cigarette and crushes it with her foot. “Sure,” she says. “Why not.”

  ~

  Tanya tastes like beer and strawberry lip-gloss. Her tongue stabs in and out of my mouth in quick circles, and I move my hand in slower circles over her stomach. I let my pinky finger slide under her pants and I feel the elastic top of her underwear. I move lower with each pass, hoping if I move slow enough she won’t notice, but she does, and eventually she grabs my hand and pulls it back.

  I wait a few minutes before I try again.

  This time my finger touches hair, and my heart practically explodes in my chest. She doesn’t stop me, and for a moment I’m unsure what to do next. I slide my hand down further, working slow, trying not to draw attention to my actions. My chest aches, and I realize I’m holding my breath.

  Megan knocks at the window, and Tanya jumps up.

  I pull back and breathe.

  “It’s too dark out here,” Megan says. Her voice sounds flat through the glass. “I can’t see anything.”

  Tanya rolls down the window and speaks slowly. “Go away.”

  Megan folds her arms across her chest. “You can’t do this, Tanya. It’s dark out here, and I want to leave.”

  “Then go.”

  “Tanya!”

  “I’m not stopping you.” She points in the direction of the road. “You want to go home? Go.”

  They stare at each other, and for a moment neither of them says anything. I open another beer and take a long drink. I can still feel my heart pound against my ribs. Tanya starts to roll up her window.

  “Tanya?” Megan says. Her voice sounds weaker now.

  “What?

  “You’re suppose to—”

  “This is what we’re doing.” Tanya yells, and Megan takes a step back. “If you don’t like it, then walk home.”

  Megan looks from the car to the road, then back. “Fine,” she says, turning away. “I will.” After a few steps she’s gone, lost in the darkness.

  I take another drink.

  “What a bitch,” Tanya says. “She’s going to tell my Mom all of this, watch.”

  “Maybe we shouldn’t let her go.”

  “Why? If she wants to walk home, let her.”

  I hold the bottle out for her. “What if someone picks her up?”

  “Who?” Tanya takes the beer and finishes it. “There’s no one out here. Let her walk for a while. She’ll come back when she gets tired.”

  Something inside tells me this might be a bad idea, but then Tanya is on top of me, and I stop listening. I reach my hands behind her back and find the latch of her bra. It turns out to be more difficult than I expect, and after a while I swallow my pride and ask for help. Tanya giggles, ignores me, and leeches her teeth into my neck. Between the pain of her mouth and the security of the bra, I get frustrated. Finally, after pulling as hard as I can, the bra comes off. Tanya sits up fast, holding her arms across her chest. She looks surprised, and for a moment, in the light of the dashboard clock, I think I see a nipple.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “We should go find her,” Tanya says, pulling her shirt down. “What if someone picks her up?”

  “No one will pick her up,” I say. “No one’s out here. We can get her later.” I pull her closer. “She’s probably sitting down the road a little ways, waiting for us. It’ll be fine.”

  Tanya pushes away and sits up. “No, I’m serious. I think we should go get her.”

  “Come on. It’s fine.”

  “No,” she says, adjusting something under her shirt. “We need to find her.”

  I try to think of something to say, a way to stall, but she looks upset, so I give in and start the car.

  ~

  The windows are fogged, and as I pull out onto the road I wipe a spot clean with my sleeve.

  Tanya leans forward and squints into the darkness. “I can’t see shit.”

  I switch the one working headlight to bright, but it doesn’t help much.

  Tanya shakes her head and opens her purse. “I’m going to kill that bitch when we find her,” she says, taking a cigarette and putting it to her lips. “Why is she so stupid?”

  “You can’t smoke in here, remember?”

  Tanya lights the cigarette. “I thought you said she’d be waiting for us down the road. Do you think we missed her?”

  “She’s around someplace.”

  Tanya sits back and puts her feet on the dashboard. “I’m gonna kill her.”

  I don’t say anything else, and we drive in silence. After a moment, Tanya leans forward. “Is that her?” She points and hits her hand against the windshield. The tip of the cigarette explodes against the glass and drops in her lap. “Shit,” she says, pushing herself up off the seat. “Shit, shit. Where did it go?”

  �
�I told you not to smoke in here.” I look over and run my hand along the cushion. “Sit up more.”

  “I can’t.” She moves to the side.

  I see the red tip and pick it up. It burns my fingers, and I drop it again. “God damn it,” I say, and smack the seat.

  Tanya is smiling.

  “This isn’t funny,” I say. “This is my dad’s car. He’s going to kick my ass.”

  “I’m sorry.” She’s laughing now. “It was an accident. I didn’t mean—”

  The car jumps, and something hard passes under the tires.

  Tanya drops back down, bracing herself against the door.

  For a moment, everything seems to stop.

  “What the fuck was that?” I say, pulling off the road.

  Tanya stares at me, her eyes wide. “Oh, Christ.” She covers her mouth with her hands. “Oh, my God.”

  I keep quiet and search my mirrors for movement. The road is dark and the taillights turn everything red and stretch long shadows out behind us.

  “Do you think I should—” My voice cracks. I clear my throat. “Should I go check?”

  Tanya doesn’t answer. She has her head in her hands, rocking back and forth, mumbling something I can’t quite hear.

  I pull the door handle and the overhead light shines bright and yellow. “Should I go see?”

  “It was a dog, right?” She looks up. Black make-up snakes down her cheeks. “Tell me it was just a dog.”

  I don’t say anything.

  The wind coming off the river is cold, and as I step out of the car I hear the rustling of the cottonwoods in the distance, the leaves shuffling nervously in the breeze.

  I take a few steps, moving slowly.

  Behind me, I hear the car door open, and I look back. Tanya leans out and shouts. “Megan?”

  I keep walking.

  Tanya’s door slams, and I hear her footsteps on the gravel. She moves fast, and as she passes me she’s crying.

  I watch her disappear down the road, and I don’t follow her.

  Above me, the sky is a pinwheel of stars. The sight makes me dizzy, and I slip to the ground and close my eyes. I can hear the echo of rushing water in the distance.