by Lee Rose
“I never thought you would cheat on me either. I mistakenly thought you had honor.” She answered honestly, feeling the bitterness that was like a sickness to her soul. She didn’t want to feel it, but she didn’t know how to get rid of it. She was sure she wasn’t the only woman in the world to be in love with a man who didn’t love her back.
“I did not sleep with Carly that night or any other night. I can’t deny that kiss. I will regret it with my dying breath. I never wrote her or made promises to her,” he swore. “She is seriously demented to spread those kind of rumors.”
Noelle knew none of it mattered any longer. It was all in the past. Maybe she needed this closure to move on with her life. Maybe if she faced him it would give her some of her self-respect back. She hated to think of how low she had allowed herself to get over a man.
“Why are you here, Chance?” She made sure her voice stayed even and calm. Revisiting old wounds was not on her agenda for today or any other day. In the past, she had allowed the jealousy and insecurity she felt lead to a major argument. Now there was nothing to argue about. She had given up on finding love.
“I thought we could talk now. I needed time to rest and do some other things or I would have visited you sooner.” He gave her a friendly smile. Did he think they could be friends? She could never just be friends with Chance. She loved him too much to just be his friend.
“What can we possibly have to talk about? I took the relationship more seriously than you. I read more into it than there was. My mistake. Life goes on.” She tried to pull off the casual attitude, but she wasn’t sure she succeeded.
His blue T-shirt stretched across his muscled chest. His black tribal tattoo peeked out of his sleeve. He looked tan and healthy, and she probably looked washed out. Lord knows she felt like that all the time. She dressed well for her job, but most days she didn’t bother with makeup or fancy hairstyles.
“I want to talk about us,” he said firmly, letting her know he was not budging.
“There is no us,” she stated sadly, not caring if he heard the pain in her voice. “Besides, if we go anywhere in town rumors would start up, and I can’t deal with that again.”
“Fine. Let’s take a drive to the lake,” he suggested.
She gave in, hating that she was so weak when it came to Chance Brooks. If she had to talk to him, she would rather do it without an audience. She would rather avoid getting caught up in that mess again. It had taken weeks for the rumors to die down.
“We’ll go in my truck.” He looked over at her small red car. “That thing is way too small for a man my size, angel.”
She followed him to his black pickup truck feeling her stomach clench with nervousness. Once upon a time, she had felt excitement, joy in his company. They reached his truck, and he opened the door for her. Oh the memories the sight of his truck brought back to her. She had to blink back tears as she remembered the summer nights they had gone to the lake and made love in the back. She hopped in, clutching her purse as if it was a lifeline. Why hadn’t she picked out jeans this morning instead of the pink frilly skirt and a white tank top?
Chance drove silently to the lake a few miles away. He found an empty spot under a shady tree. The view of the lake was calming. The sun was setting, and the sky was turning beautiful colors that looked like cotton candy. He rolled his window down, and she felt the cool spring breeze on her skin. She wished the sky was dark, and she could see the stars. They had often done that. Watched the stars and made love under them.
She decided to be brave and look at him. She refused to cry the way she did last time they were together. He wanted to talk, so talk they would. They weren’t here to talk about the good ole days. That ship had sailed.
“So what do we have to say to each other, Chance? I thought it was a done deal. Whatever we had between us is over.” She was proud when her voice came out calm. He didn’t see how tightly she gripped her purse. He didn’t know the rage, the sorrow that traveled though her every pore.
“We had more than just sex, Noelle. I may have been too scared to admit how much I cared before, but I am not now. I never intended to be gone this long,” he began, making eye contact and holding it. “I thought I’d be gone a few weeks, giving us time to calm down. I planned on coming back to hash this out, but my mission went south, and I ended up stuck in some sandy region for months. It was a tough mission that went haywire. I realized I had enough. All I wanted was to be back home. I want to be with you, Noelle.”
She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say. She fiddled with the zipper on her purse feeling nervous and uncomfortable. He had no idea what she had been through. The flames of anger had died down, but the hot ashes of sorrow still remained.
“I know I caused you a lot of pain.” Pain echoed in his own voice, and she knew he was sincere. Chance wasn’t an evil person. She had been the one living in an imaginary world thinking love would make everything all right. “I am so sorry for that, Noelle. I didn’t plan what happened at the bar that night.”
“Chance, we both have such horrible tempers. We both want our own way. That doesn’t make a good combination,” she had to admit. Six months of separation also gave her plenty of time to think of what went wrong between them. She couldn’t put all the blame on him. She had to take responsibility for the ruins of their so-called relationship. She had just expected him to return her feelings because hers went so deep. When he didn’t, she had been devastated. Never again.
“We fought a lot, didn’t we?” He smiled as if remembering how they had made up after those loud arguments. She loved all that hot, wild sex. “We did everything with gusto, no half measures for us.”
She nodded. “I suppose I was a tad immature. I have grown a lot in the past months. I am sorry I was such a brat always pressuring you to talk about your feelings.”
“I was stubborn as hell. Can’t say I have changed much. I didn’t appreciate what we had, Noelle. I was too stubborn to give in to what I felt, thinking it made me weak.” It sounded like he did do a lot of soul searching. In the past, he would never have admitted to having any faults. He shouted an order and expected her to fall in line the way the men on his team did. She would throw a fit, and a fight would come next, ending with her in tears and accusations.
“We burned each other up. I suppose as hot as it made the sex it was not good for us. Like any inferno, it destroyed everything.” She sighed sadly. She loved his square jawline, his crooked nose, and the light-colored stubble on his cheek. She would have loved to caress his cheek. His blond hair was short and spiky, and she once loved messing it up. Then he would lean in and kiss her. She put a brake on the path her thoughts were taking. She couldn’t go there. It was too dangerous. She loved him still, but she was afraid to feel that kind of pain again.
“Why did you do it? Even if you didn’t love me, you said we would be exclusive. Why not just break up with me instead of seeing Carly behind my back?” It was a simple question and he frowned, but he kept eye contact with her. She wanted to know why he had kissed Carly. Carly, the woman who had it in for her since the day Chance introduced the two women to each other. Carly always suddenly showed up wherever they were at as if it was a coincidence, but Noelle knew better. Chance hadn’t.
The pain threatened to swallow her up, but she had to know why he turned to another woman. She thought he was an honorable man. If she had not walked into the bar, would he have gone home with Carly? She asked him that question out loud.
“Absolutely not. I would never have crossed that line, even if I had feelings for her. I don’t have any feelings for her. I barely know her. She was a regular at the bar, and we spoke a few times, maybe even danced, but that was it. If I had been sober, I would have pushed her away instantly instead of standing there like a statue.” His voice was filled with anguish, and she knew she had not been the only one living in hell these last months. “I was drunk as hell, which I never do. I like feeling in control. That night I wasn’t. I was confused ab
out us and where we were heading. That whole night was one big cluster fuck. I hurt you, but I am not lying to you, Noelle. All the rumors floating around out there are nothing but made-up fantasies in her head.”
She was too tired to yell or be angry with him. He never believed her when she told him Carly was lusting after him and causing trouble. She could throw that in his face right now and start an argument. All she felt was sorrow for the mess. She had known he was the one for her pretty quickly. She expected it to all work out smoothly. Then it all went to hell in a handbasket. Now she feared allowing him back in.
He groaned and scooted her closer to him. She had been plastered against the door as if ready to make a run for it. She tensed up, not wanting to feel his arms around her. She didn’t want to get used to his comfort and his strength. It would make it harder when he left again. He always left.
“Jesus, Noelle. I know I hurt you. I hurt myself, too.” She felt his lips against her hair, but she forced herself not to move or let her body relax against him. It was tempting. She missed him with every breath.
“Mom explained about the rumors Carly started. She must have mental issues making up all that nonsense about me coming for her. It is all bullshit.” He sounded angry with Carly. It was the feeling she had always had with Carly.
“Carly is an expert manipulator. Maybe the military could use her to cause wars.” She tried to joke, but it fell flat on her own ears. She was doing her best not to cry. “You made me feel so stupid, Chance. I could see through her act. Why couldn’t you?”
He groaned. “God, I know. I am so sorry, Noelle. I was a blind fool.”
“I had dreams of forever. I see now I was naive to believe in fairy tales. I trusted you, Chance. Seeing you with her made me jealous, but more than that, it destroyed my trust in you. Knowing you believed in her more than me ate me up inside and made me feel insecure,” she added bitterly. “The shock of seeing you kissing her like you kissed me is still etched in my memories. I don’t ever want to feel like that again. Ever.”
His arms squeezed tighter around her, and she wanted to wrap her arms around his waist so bad. She had always felt so comforted in his embrace. Her parents had never hugged her. Chance was always touching her. She mistook it for love, not just simple lust. He made it so easy to make her believe in him. “I didn’t kiss her like I kiss you, Noelle,” he denied in a ragged, pain-filled voice. “I barely remember the kiss. I remember your face and how guilty I felt.”
“She told people you wrote her a letter, promising to send for her. She told everyone you had secret encounters with her behind my back. People believe her. I couldn’t even go into town without people coming up to me just to let me know what Carly was saying. It was as if they were all watching some soap opera, but it was my life they were dissecting.” Her voice trembled with hurt, but she refused her tears permission to fall. She shed too many already. She wanted to forge ahead with her life, not be stuck in the same mess.
He swore while cursing under his breath. “My mom told me some of this a few days ago. I had no idea it was so bad or I would have at least called you. By the way, I called your house phone this morning. It was disconnected.”
Noelle pushed herself out of his arms. Allowing herself to be comforted by him was a dangerous path. “I had it disconnected. Too many prank calls. I figured Carly had something to do with it.”
She searched his face to see if he was going to defend Carly, but he didn’t. She knew he probably did regret what happened, but it was too late. She thought her parents not wanting her was hurtful, but the pain Chance caused made her wish for death. Never again would she be so vulnerable. Men had no attention span when it came to women. She remembered her mom telling her that when she was a teenager. Noelle had been experiencing her first crush in junior high. “Men get bored easily, Noelle. Why do you think I don’t like your father out there alone?” she had said. It was the only piece of advice her mother had given her, and she had ignored it. Well no more. She didn’t want to live a life where she could not trust her lover.
Noelle decided bringing up the car accident and the baby would be too painful right now. She was too emotional to think clearly. Maybe another time. She knew she was being a coward, but it was a painful subject. “Okay, so we had this talk. We both got our closure.”
“That wasn’t the point of this talk, Noelle,” he told her, moving her bangs out of her face gently. Just the small touch of his fingers on her skin sent shivers up her spine. His eyes were warm, and she wanted his lips on hers so badly. It was hard not to lean toward him and initiate a kiss. Chance could kiss until she was a melted puddle of goo.
“I like the gold streaks. Very sexy.” His smile was genuine. He picked up a strand of her hair.
“Quinn convinced me to try something different. She said it would cheer me up,” Noelle told him. “It did.”
“So what was the point of this talk, then?” she repeated, not wanting to get sidetracked.
“I want us to try again. I am not leaving,” he stated with an easy grin, as if all of the past had just disappeared in a puff of smoke. If only it was that easy. “I retired from the military. I am ready to settle down with you. I have a steady job in Cole County with the SWAT team. Isn’t that what you always wanted?”
She blinked several times. Was she hearing him right? Now, when it was too late, he was ready to settle down? “Yes, but you said your military career was the most important thing in your life.”
He shook his head. “At one time it was. I achieved a lot, but I am tired of the back and forth, traveling to countries filled with war and death. I am ready for something new. I want you to be part of my life. I spent the last six months thinking about this.”
“Just like that I am supposed to forget these last miserable months? I want to move on with a clean slate, not go backwards, Chance. I wasn’t important enough to you last year to stick around, so why am I now?” she said scornfully. She heard the bitterness in her voice, but she couldn’t hold it in and hide it. One small conversation was not going to fix that.
“I regret the fact that I didn’t do more to show you how much I do care for you. Maybe I was unsure about giving up the only career I have known. I am not anymore. I missed you. I ached for you. These last months apart showed me how much I do want a life with you,” he insisted, sounding sincere. She was tempted to throw herself in his arms and say oh yes, but that would be unrealistic. There was so much he didn’t know. She wasn’t brave enough to tell him yet. She would have to soon, but not today.
“Have your feelings for me died completely?” he asked, looking vulnerable. She wasn’t sure how to respond. Had her love for him been so obvious all along? Probably. She never tried to hide how deeply she felt for him. She may not have been brave enough to say the words out loud, but the feeling had been there from day one.
She bit her lip. She couldn’t lie. It might have been easier to fib, but she couldn’t. Not to him. “No, Chance. Unfortunately love does not die so easily. My parents never loved me, but I loved them. I kept hoping for a change of heart until the day they died. The moment you almost ran into me with your motorcycle I looked into your eyes and I fell hard, literally and figuratively. I didn’t say the words out loud because I was scared of your rejection. I showed you by allowing you in to my already battered heart, and by trusting you. The feelings are still there, but I can’t allow you to hurt me again.”
He gave her a sad look, remembering their first meeting more than a year ago. “I picked you up off the ground intending to give you a stern lecture about not daydreaming when crossing the street. I looked into your hazel eyes and took care of you instead. I knew I was a goner then. I knew I had deep feelings for you, Noelle, but I wouldn’t allow myself to say it. I pushed it away and made excuses. Like you said, that would make everything more serious. But months apart showed me that I want you in my life forever, Noelle. There has to be a way to work this out.”
Noelle blinked back tears and leaned
her head back against his seat for a second. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She could give him a partial truth for now. The baby was too painful of a subject to bring up right now. “Chance, after you left when Carly was walking around town telling everyone her lies I fell apart. I refused to go anywhere besides work. I was practically a prisoner in my own home. It was an ugly mess. I couldn’t function. I am just now learning to put one foot in front of the other. I can’t allow you to hurt me like that again. I can’t do it.”
“I will not hurt you again, Noelle,” he swore, looking pale at what she was saying. “I have changed. I have realized what is important to me. A life with you and our future children.”
“I just can’t take a risk like that,” she apologized, feeling bad. The word children made her heart stop for a second. She thought she was done grieving. Now she felt like she was back to square one. Months of separation filled her with fear. She felt like he was asking her to jump off a plane with no parachute. She shivered at the thought of feeling that intense pain that had become part of her everyday life.
He sighed with frustration. “Maybe I am expecting too much. You know how I am. I make a plan, and I want it to fall in place.”
Noelle shook her head, looking out the window. The park was mostly empty, and she was glad for that. A few joggers ran past, but no one paid them any attention. “If only life were that easy, Chance.”
“Can we start off being friends? I just don’t want you to ignore me or run away every time you see me. I don’t want to be your enemy, Noelle, no matter how much I deserve it,” he begged. “I start my new job in Cole County tomorrow morning. I know I’ll need time to learn the ropes. Can we meet for lunch next week and just talk? No pressure about getting back together. Just don’t avoid me.”
Noelle looked at the face of the man she loved. He had more lines around his eyes and a new scar above his eyebrow. She knew these last months apart had been no walk in the park for either of them. She could be bitchy and refuse to forgive him knowing they both had made mistakes. She had nagged a lot, always wanting her way, and he had gotten angry and walked away instead of staying and working things out.