Miles To Go Before I Sleep

by Jackie Nink Pflug

  One student’s mother set me straight. Her son John was a shy, skinny little boy. His classmates shunned him and didn’t invite him to play in their games. He didn’t know his ABCs. John was very quiet and withdrawn, the kind of child who often gets lost in the classroom shuffle. I had to spend more time and attention on kids with more obvious, disruptive behavioral problems. I cared about John, but my concern wasn’t translating into action. I mostly saw him as hard to teach.

  School had been open for about two weeks when, one day after school, John’s mother walked up to my desk.

  “John has been coming home every day for these last two weeks saying that he hates school,” she announced. “He doesn’t want to be in school anymore. None of my kids hated school. Why does he hate school?”

  Something inside me clicked. I knew why John hated school, and I played a part in it. “Let’s see what we can do,” I told his mother.

  The next day, I spent more time talking and relating to John. I became more aware of his classroom participation. I started giving him pats on the back and hugs. That led to another positive change: I began paying more attention to all my students, including others I had prematurely judged. After a few weeks, my classroom was filled with happy, alive kids.

  John’s mother noticed a change too. She called to report on John’s progress. “Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it,” she enthused. “John just loves school. He doesn’t want to go to bed at night because he’s so excited to start school in the morning!”

  When the other kids saw me moving toward John, paying attention to him, caring about him, they caught on. They decided, “John must be okay. Miss Nink likes John, so let’s like John too.”

  John turned out to be a happy, smiling little boy. He was still a slow learner, but I loved him. And so did the other kids.

  We make a tremendous, positive impact on people when we choose to love them just as they are, without judgment, without limiting or labeling them, or expecting them to live up to our vision of who they should be. Thank you, John, for teaching me that!

  In my travels, I’ve had great opportunities to meet people and hear their stories. I’m always impressed that, no matter what one’s station in life, people struggle with the same problems.

  As a guest speaker at the International Platform Association meeting in August 1993, I flew to Washington, D.C. to speak on the same podium with Gen. Colin Powell, Anita Hill, and Ross Perot. I was especially curious to talk to Anita Hill. Like the rest of the country, I’d seen her testify before the U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee’s confirmation hearings on the appointment of Justice Clarence Thomas to the U.S. Supreme Court. I was impressed by her courage and stamina and wanted to know how she had gotten through this difficult time in her life.

  I went up to her hotel room and knocked on her door. Hill opened the door and welcomed me in. We sat on her bed and talked a little.

  “How did you get through such a hard time?” I asked her.

  “Well, I leaned on my friends a lot,” Hill said. “They gave me a lot of support.”

  “How did you discover what your purpose is?” I’m often asked by people who hear me speak.

  There isn’t anything magical or mysterious about it. The most important thing is to quiet down and slow down enough so that we can listen to our Inner Voice. When I started doing this, I asked my Higher Power what my purpose was. The first answers I received were to share my love with others. To share my love with others? What did that mean? I could do that with almost anything, I thought.

  In time, my Inner Voice taught me more. I share my love with others through teaching but, even more basically, by just being in every moment. What does that look like in practice?

  I might be driving down the highway and someone is in the left lane going only 40 miles per hour in a 55 mile zone. I say to myself, “I’m going to be in this moment. I’m going to learn all I can from this moment. I’m going to be relaxed in this moment. I’m being in the moment.” Instead of screaming and using obscenities, I’ll just smile and wave. I don’t always do this, but I’m always trying to get to that point.

  There’s an important difference between our purpose and how we live it out. I believe our purpose is constant and never changes. Hopefully, as we go through life, our purpose becomes clearer and clearer. How we live out our purpose may take many different forms. Earlier in my life, I lived out my purpose by teaching. At this writing, I’m living out my purpose by speaking and doing this book.

  When we start meditating and relaxing, and asking what our purpose is, thoughts will come to us. It’s good to have a pen and paper handy so we can write down whatever pops up. These are all glimpses of our purpose. For some people, it comes in a grand, shining vision. For most of us, however, it comes in bits and pieces. Don’t worry; your Inner Voice will show or tell you your purpose in the way that is best for you.

  A few years ago, I saw a film called City Slickers, starring Billy Crystal. It’s the story of three men from New York City going through a midlife crisis. Inspired to seek the meaning of their own lives and break from their world-weary days, they sign up for a two-week “adventure” vacation on a Wyoming dude ranch.

  The film made me laugh, but I also liked its message. Crystal is intrigued by a crusty, old cowboy played by Jack Palance. Palance is the classic cowboy type, completely independent and unfazed by the problems of city dwellers like Crystal and his friends. Hoping for enlightenment, Crystal asks Palance, “What’s the meaning of life?”

  Palance raises one finger in the air.

  “Okay, what is it?” Crystal asks.

  “One thing,” Palance answers gruffly.

  “What?”

  “One thing,” Palance repeats. “It’s up to you to find out what it is.”

  I believe we’re all on a journey to find our way back home, to the deep inner core of who we are. Intuitively, we know that finding the “one thing” is the key to unleashing our personal passion and purpose—the things that make life truly worth living. The “one thing” is the guiding principle that keeps our social, emotional, physical, and spiritual lives in a harmonic balance with others, with the world, and with God as we understand God. Discovering our purpose on earth and then living it out is one of the most exciting experiences we can ever have.

  Living a life of integrity, based on personally chosen and internalized values, is, in my opinion, the only way to find the “one thing.” It’s never an easy journey. There are many distractions and temptations along the way. It’s about living the truth that will set you free.

  In my experience, truth can never be boiled down to a single phrase or idea. There aren’t any simple formulas. The truth is too vast. The best I can do is to share my sliver of truth with you, the truth of my own experience.

  I believe we have everything we need to live a more fulfilling, satisfying life here and now. The kingdom of God has come and lies within each and every one of us. There is greatness inside us all, waiting to be tapped and expressed. The challenge we all face is how to unleash the wonderful gifts we already have.

  Finding our purpose takes a commitment to growing and changing, expanding our maps of reality, and developing the disciplines needed to support us on our journey. It takes determination and the willingness and ability to focus on what we want. It’s hard work, but it yields the treasures of our heart.

  I use the following list as a transparency in my speeches when I get to the part about motivation and goal setting. It gives people a chance to see the world as I do, vision damage and all. Not only are letters missing for me—but also the top, left, and bottom part of each letter is missing. After giving people a look through my eyes, I show how the same words appear to someone with normal vision.

  Three P’s of Success

  1. Planning —

  Set plans to achieve

  your goals.

  2. Persistence —

  Hard working pursuit, even

  in the face of obstacles.

>   3. Positive Self-Image —

  Feeling like a winner, saying

  “I can do it; I will do it.”

  I can always tell when people are serious about going for what they want. They are focused on something and determined to get it. They see themselves as worthy and capable of having already attained their goal. They have a “nothing-can-stop-me” attitude. If you don’t, something will stop you. It always does.

  Reaching for our goals and dreams is necessary if we want to enjoy life to the fullest. It’s the most exciting, energizing, worthwhile thing we can ever do. People who have a goal, or are engaged in a cause, crusade, hobby, or relationship that deeply matters to them are healthier, happier, more resilient, joyful, and alive. Going for our dreams means going with our natural flow, unleashing the energy, talents, abilities, vision, and initiative inside us. Living our purpose gives us greater satisfaction and success in life.

  It’s so easy to get sidetracked, isn’t it? As we make the commitment to living our dreams, it’s important to become more aware of how that happens.

  One way to stay focused on what’s really important to us—on our top priorities, values, and goals—is to write a personal mission or vision statement. It’s a concrete expression of the vision we have for our life. A vision statement is a personal road map we can use to stay focused on the things that really count in life. In the midst of the chaos and confusion that can easily overtake us—if we let it—a vision statement gives us guidance and direction. No matter how crazy life gets, we can always return to it to get our bearings. Like a wise teacher, the vision statement reminds us, again, and again, of what we already know to be true.

  Here’s mine:

  Jackie’s Vision Statement

  Always tell the truth

  Do what it takes to feel at one with God; inner peace

  Always keep promises and commitments

  Smile a lot

  Find the good in everyone and everything

  Take time every day to meditate and be silent

  Seek first to understand, then be understood

  Take time to be with nature

  Always ask my Higher Power for guidance

  Listen to my heart and act on it

  Exercise every day

  Set goals and take action to achieve them

  Give thanks for what I have and who I am

  Take several vacations each year

  Surround myself with loving, supportive people

  Communicate from my heart

  Maintain a positive attitude

  Laugh often

  Live in the moment

  Accept and love others just as they are

  Have fun with life

  Always Tell the Truth

  People usually think about telling the truth in obvious terms. I shouldn’t tell you I’m going to the movies unless I really am. If you ask me what I did yesterday, and I spent three hours reading, I should tell you that’s what I did. But there’s more to it. If I ask you if you smoke, and you do but don’t want me to know, telling the truth means being honest about it.

  Perhaps you say to me, “Jackie, let’s go to dinner tomorrow night. I haven’t seen you in three weeks, and I need to get together with you.” Let’s say, however, that I’ve already made plans. It’s been a tough week and I’ve been working really hard. My plans for tomorrow night are to cook myself dinner and then take a bath and go to bed. But I don’t want to disappoint you. I want you to be my friend. So I will say, “Sure.” I’ll go to dinner with you, but all the while I’m thinking, I don’t want to be here. So I’m not really present. Neither of us is well served when I’m not true to myself.

  Always telling the truth is about saying “yes” when you really mean yes and saying “no” when you really mean no. It takes a certain kind of courage. A lot of people have a problem doing this because so many people were brought up to please others. Telling the truth is about taking care of yourself and trusting that people who care about you will understand. It could mean simply saying, “I want to get together with you, but I can’t do it tonight. Here’s my schedule.”

  Do What It Takes to Feel at One with God; Inner Peace

  The Bible says we are created in the image and likeness of God. I believe when we slow down and become quiet, we can more easily tap into the divine part of ourselves. I always seek to be open to any messages that my Inner Voice, or God, is trying to send me. The messages come in many forms. I might receive a card or letter in the mail and feel led to call or write someone. I might become aware of needing to make an appointment with my doctor to check something out. The message could come in the form of a feeling: perhaps I’m feeling some stress and need to go work out at the club. I need to constantly pay attention to these messages if I want to maintain the peace and serenity I’ve worked so hard to attain.

  Always Keep Promises and Commitments

  I learned about keeping promises and commitments from Stephen Covey’s book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. He says that if you break a promise, you need to go to that person and apologize from your heart—and not just say, “I said I’m sorry!”

  As human beings, however, there are times when we have to break commitments. Circumstances can make it impossible for us to keep previous commitments. In these situations, it’s important to apologize from the heart.

  The best way to consistently keep promises and commitments is to take them seriously. I don’t make a commitment unless I know I’m going to follow through on it. I don’t make promises unless I know I want to make a promise. It’s about being true to myself. It takes a lot of conscious effort to do this. If I’m confused about what I want, I give myself the time I need to decide.

  Smile a Lot

  I do smile a lot. Sometimes, I don’t want to smile. If I’m not feeling good, for example. If I don’t want to smile, it’s usually because I don’t feel good about something in one of my relationships. There’s something I need to do to get right with someone. There’s something I haven’t taken care of. It’s about taking care of something that I’m not happy with—so that I can smile again. It’s not about the fakey smile, because people can see right through that. Do what it takes so you can smile every day.

  Find the Good in Everyone and Everything

  I work hard not to judge people but, despite my best efforts, I sometimes do. When I catch myself judging someone or focusing on some negative trait, I ask myself, Why am I judging? If I’m having a conflict with someone, I try to hold on to the good parts of that person. The conflict is still there and it needs to be worked out, but finding the good in someone stops me from getting so wrapped up in the conflict.

  Take Time Every Day to Meditate and Be Silent

  Meditation is also very important for me. To me, meditation is just a fancy word for getting away from the world. I do this in a variety of ways. I get away from the world about twenty minutes in the morning and twenty minutes in the evening. I go into a room where I won’t be disturbed. I shut the windows and blinds, close the door, and sit in a chair with my hands in my lap. With my feet on the floor and my eyes closed, I focus on my breathing. It’s important to breathe in deeply and slowly exhale. If I’m distracted by thoughts or worries, I let them drift past. Sometimes, I listen to guided meditation tapes. These can be very soothing and relaxing, taking me to a mountain retreat or a beach by the ocean.

  There are different levels of meditation. The level I try to reach is the alpha level—the level right before you go to sleep. I tell my audiences that if you actually fall asleep, you’ve gone too far. At the alpha level, the inner peace stays longer. If distracting thoughts come, and they will, just let them go. It takes time and patience, but if you’re committed to slowing down and getting quiet, you can more easily hear your Inner Voice talk to you during the day.

  My attitude improves when I meditate, and if something negative appears to me, I can handle it more calmly and confidently. I don’t get thrown off guard as easily.

/>   Seek First to Understand, Then Be Understood

  Stephen Covey talks about the notion of seeking first to understand, then be understood in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People. I believe some of the most uncomfortable and painful experiences people have in life come from being misunderstood. Misunderstandings often create confusion, distrust, suspicion, and fear in our relationships. In our deep desire to be understood, we can easily forget that other people also want to be understood.

  But there’s a problem. Each of us has a slightly different point of view. The way we understand things is based on our very different life experiences. This is where misunderstandings often start.

  To truly understand another, we have to be willing to suspend our own point of view and try to look at a situation or event from someone else’s standpoint. We have to be willing, for a moment at least, to accept the possibility that our point of view is incomplete or possibly even incorrect. This is hard for many of us to admit or practice. If we want to have deeper relationships, based on honesty and acceptance of our differences, we must make this leap.

  I work very hard on doing this in my own life. When a conflict or misunderstanding arises, I do my best to try and see the situation from the other person’s point of view before reacting. Doing this helps me have more empathy for other people and broadens my horizons. When I seek first to understand people, I don’t waste time defending my point of view and am able to learn from others.

  Take Time to Be with Nature

  Being out in nature leaves me feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Taking time to enjoy the many miracles of creation renews my spirit in so many ways. I really enjoy going on camping trips or just taking a long drive in the country. I feel more at one with God when I meditate or pray, or spend time with nature. I love taking my dog, Oliver, out for his daily walk in my neighborhood. I do it for him, because he loves it, but I also do it for me: it helps me slow down.