I thought of my mom and a tremor started at my core. Trying to calm the turmoil myself was useless. She had never hurt me personally, but when someone allows violence and pain to be part of your life, you learn early on that fault doesn’t always lie with the person who is doing the actual hurting. You become cautious when other people have been so careless.
My mom wasn’t an unreasonable person, but she was very independent. Unless there was a man involved, then she became disgustingly submissive. I shuddered, as I remembered the faces of the ones that didn’t like little girls, or worse yet, the ones that like little girls too much. Staying safe was always a balancing act of when it was okay to be seen and when it wasn’t.
I had no idea if I would have a battle on my hands or not. I prepared myself just in case.
Cale was important enough. I pulled out my new phone and dialed the numbers. I heard the first ring, my heart nearly pounded out of my chest, then the second ring …
“Jenna! I’ve been waiting for you to call. What took you so long?”
“I know mom, I’m sorry, it’s just, I’ve been really busy getting settled and ... wait, how did you know?”
“Did you get picked yet?”
“What?”
“For sponsorship, did you meet Cale’s father yet? Cale, by the way, is extremely well-mannered, makes a very good impression.”
“You talked to Cale? But ... when?”
“Yes I talked with him, he called yesterday. He gave me the number to your new cell phone. I bet you were so excited to get it. I’m so happy for you, honey.” She sounded like she might actually be jumping up and down.
I was speechless.
“Wait. Stop. You’re happy for me? You’re fine with all of this?” I pulled the phone away from my ear and glanced at the numbers on the screen, making sure I’d called the right number.
“Well, I’ll admit that at first I was a little freaked out by it. But after talking with Cale for a while, and then talking with William,” she paused like I should know who that was.
“Who’s William?”
I heard her groan on the other end. She always made that noise when she was frustrated with me.
“William is Cale’s father. Really Jenna, you’re going to have to pay more attention if you want to be sponsored by them.”
Speechless again.
“Jenna?”
“So let me get this straight. You’ve talked with Cale?”
“Yes,” she drug the word out dramatically.
“And you’ve talked with Cale’s father?”
“Yes, and they both took time to explain what an amazing opportunity this would be for you. Did you know there are ways you can actually earn points so the foundation will pay your outstanding tuition? All you have to do is help with volunteer projects in the community. Also, they guarantee job placement within their company after graduation. They guarantee it, Jen!”
“No, I didn’t know any of that. So, tell me again, when did you talk to them?”
“Yesterday, why?
“Well, I guess it’s no big deal, but Cale didn’t even ask me until today. Don’t you think it’s a little strange that they would talk to you before they asked me?”
She groaned again. I was instantly irritated. “Don’t make this creepy. You are always so cautious. They called me first because they said they feel it’s important to have the families involved. That’s all it is.”
“I’m always cautious because you never are.” The words spilled out before I could stop them. I couldn’t think of anything to say to soften them. I sat on the cold step, staring at my toes, wondering why none of this felt right to me; and my words hung in the silence between us. I could hear her breathing on the other end of the line. A tear spilled over and I held in a sob, I never liked hurting her.
“Listen sweetheart,” her voice was soft. “I know that you‘ve had a really hard time trusting people. I also know that I’m probably to blame for that. You were with me or working when you should’ve been learning how to form bonds with other kids. I brought a lot of people into our lives that I shouldn’t have. But please, don’t let my shortcomings as a mother be the reason that you turn down the biggest opportunity of your life. This is your chance to change the entire direction of your future.”
My throat constricted, holding back the words that I wanted to speak, but couldn’t. We’d never talked about any of this. How could she just throw all of it out there, like it was history, and I wasn’t still dealing with the aftermath every single day? Years of pent-up frustration surged but I shut it down quickly. This day had already been too much to add in a discussion about my mom’s parental choices.
“Okay mom,” I finally whispered into the phone.
“I have to get back to the restaurant. I picked up an extra shift tonight. I love you, honey. Now that you have your fancy new cell phone, I expect you to call me and tell me everything about your life at college. Talk to you later.”
The other end of the line went dead.
The phone suddenly seemed very heavy in my hand so I dropped it into my lap. I laid back onto the cement, welcoming the coolness. Staring into the never-ending maze of the staircase, the craziness of today bounced around inside my head, flashing images of the events. None of the memories stuck around long enough for me to process anything. I was okay with that.
Willing myself to stand, I started back to my room. I needed to talk this all out with Katie. Cale had told me that they’d need permission from my family. I just thought that would come after I had agreed, not before Cale had even asked.
I cracked open the door to my room and heard the muffled voices.
“Hey Marcus,” I said and threw him a quick wave. The fire escape was really coming in handy for them.
“I think I’m going to go for a walk,” I said as I fumbled around the room, hoping they couldn’t tell I had been crying.
“Don’t leave because of me. I just stopped by to say goodnight.” Marcus said.
“No, its fine…I need the air.” I shed my fuzzy robe for a hoodie and fake Ugg boots. My hair was still wet, so I pulled it up into a messy bun and headed out the door.
>CHAPTER THIRTEEN<
The night air was chilly and the darkness of the storm had moved over the city. A light mist of fall rain fell silently. I pushed my hands into the pockets of my hoodie while focusing on the sound of my boots crunching the fallen leaves.
The rain shimmered off of the oncoming headlights, encircling the beam of light with a blur of rainbow colors. A shiver ran down my spine as rain droplets rolled down my exposed neck. I pulled my hood over my damp hair but it was useless, the damage had been done.
I’m not sure if there were other people out or not, I kept my eyes locked on the sidewalk. I needed to disappear, to be invisible.
The same questions as before took root in my brain and spun endlessly over and over.
“Why me and why do I have such a bad feeling about this?” I whispered to myself.
Was this some sort of leftover childish thing against my mom? She thought it was a good idea so now I have to think it’s a bad idea? Shit, I hoped I was past that.
“Please don’t let my shortcomings as a mother be the reason that you turn down the biggest opportunity of your life.” Her statement echoed over and over in my head, clashing and meshing with my own self-doubt.
Is that what I was doing? Allowing my screwed up childhood to ruin an opportunity? The word didn’t sound right to me. Was I using Cale as an opportunity – is that why it didn’t feel right? Or, was he somehow using me as one?
I walked and walked, trying to clear my head, paying no attention to my surroundings. Only noticing when the noise around me changed; I was far enough away from the dorms that sounds were now more city than campus.
The sidewalk led me onto a bridge. I stopped and turned toward the water, hoping to come up with the answers I desperately needed. Instead, the breathtaking beauty of it overtook me.
The
river drew out like a long road ahead of me, rolling its waves and reaching desperately toward the moon that hung low at the end. It was a lonely sight. The sporadic raindrops of the mist fell onto the surface of the water, interrupting the connection between the water and moon, giving it a sparkling appearance. A thick intertwining of trees and brush ran along the banks making it impossible to get to the water. Untouchable and protected in the middle of the city, it struck me how out of place this was…I felt a connection. My eyes were drawn to a spot where the water seemed motionless while the moonlight gently covered it as if it was precious. That’s where I longed to be, in the calm. All around it the water spun and twisted, jumping over rocks and disappearing into itself. But this spot was steady and strong; unchanged by the chaos around it. I stared it – letting its quiet strength invade my mind. I desired peace, but it was foreign to me – I had no idea how to achieve it. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, lifting my face to the sky. The rain ran over me as I prayed for a cleansing. I begged the water to wash away my insecurities, all of my cautiousness and fear.
My heart knew it wouldn’t happen tonight or probably any time soon. Visions of the day replayed in my mind like snapshots. I reached for the railing to steady myself as my head spun. My stomach twisted and my chest was too heavy to take in air. I turned toward the road. Panic started to creep up as I frantically looked for help.
The sidewalk had narrowed once I was on the bridge – I hadn’t noticed it before. The cars passed by only a few feet from me. They sped by through the developing puddles, spraying me with a torrent of water. I gasped for air, my lungs burning with need, as the cold water hit me. I pled with myself as the anxiety mounted. “No, please. Not this ... not now.”
That’s the bad thing about anxiety, it alters your ability to move past the walls you’ve built and the reasons you did. Anxiety hides all the goodness while parading all the shit of your life in front of you like that’s your only choice for reality. You stay safe and warm within the Hell you’ve created – with all your personal demons as best friends. It’s a fucking monster, one that stays around much longer than the boogeyman.
Spots dotted my eyesight, as I eased myself back against the railing, then lowering myself to the ground. I pulled my knees to my chest and held on tightly. There’s a point where you have to give up hope that there’s salvation from it, and accept what’s about to happen.
My hands began to tingle and tunnel vision took over. My whole body shook as I gave up and let the panic ravage me.
Sounds were vague and my breaths came in labored pants. The pain of knowing that my life would never be worthwhile burned in my chest. Thoughts of self-loathing consumed me, as if someone was whispering them directly into my soul.
Each blink of my eyes lasted longer and longer. Soon, the heaviness would make it impossible to open them. I prayed I would pass out. I was no stranger to this, but this time – I wasn’t sure I wanted to wake up. I relaxed and called to the nothingness to take my pain, take my doubts…take me.
The noise around me spun, a twisted vacuum of sound, fading in and out each time I opened and closed my eyes. My eye lids continued to get heavier and heavier.
“Jenna!”
I forced my eyes open but everything was lost in the rain. I let them close again.
“Jenna! What the hell are you doing out here?”
I felt … weightless … I was floating. This happened sometimes. I smiled as numbness took over…I liked this part.
I forced my eyes open one last time, “Ryan?” I whispered.
“Keep your damn eyes open, Jen. I mean it, don’t close them again.” He crossed the street with me in his arms, opened the car door and placed me inside.
Once out of the rain, the cold took over. A wave of tremors attacked my body as I held onto myself tightly. My toes and fingertips ached as streams of water ran down my face.
I struggled with the fogginess in my mind. It often took some time to think clearly again. There was nothing I could do about it. I barely registered the driver’s side door opening. He turned the heater on high. “You’re freezing.” His voice was a mixture of frustration and concern.
He maneuvered his car off the road and into a roadside park near the river. In a frenzy, he reached behind my seat and pulled out a gym bag.
“You need to get out of those wet clothes. My workout stuff will be huge on you, but it’s better than freezing to death.”
I laid my head back against the headrest, fighting to make my teeth stop chattering, and watched him. He frantically dug around his bag and pulled out a sweatshirt and a small towel.
His blue eyes met mine. His voice barely a whisper, “Jenna, please.”
Even the slightest movement was painful – my mind too clouded to fight against the pain. All I could do was stare into his eyes.
His large hand cupped my chin, hesitantly dabbing the rain from my face. I closed my eyes, fighting the tears that threatened to spill out. He paused for a second, but then continued, moving the towel from my cheek, gently down my neck.
I almost opened my eyes, but shame stopped me. I couldn’t look at him. Shame was an emotion that tore you down. It ripped to shreds the dreams of who you wanted to be, and made you believe other people saw you as disposable. Ryan had seen almost every fault I had, and never asked questions. He never needed explanations. But this was the first time I couldn’t hide the shame of who I was. He had seen it, all of it. After this, I would be disposable to him. I wasn’t ready to see that.
I felt a light tug on the zipper of my hoodie. He slipped the wet fabric down and slowly wiped my shoulders dry.
“Jenna, you need to take this off and your tank top too”.
I nodded my head and opened my eyes.
He was just as wet as I was. Droplets fell from his hair onto his flushed cheeks. He reached out toward me, intending to stop rain water from falling onto the areas he has already dried, but I gently stopped him. I wrapped my hand around his wrist and took the towel from him.
There was a split second I thought he was going to resist me. But his body relaxed as his eyes searched back and forth between mine.
I ran my hand up the back of his neck, and through his wet hair, leaving my hand intertwined in there. I laid the towel against his temple, looking one more time into his eyes for permission. Slowly, I moved the towel along his hairline, following it all the way to the back of his neck.
A droplet of water hung off of his lip. I moved the towel over his mouth, lightly wiping the soft skin dry. I lowered the towel, looking away from him.
“Thank you,” he mumbled and handed me his sweatshirt. He turned away in his seat while I slipped off my hoodie and tank and put on his huge sweatshirt.
“There’s a pair of sweatpants in there too.”
“Okay,” I whispered. I drew my feet up onto the seat and all of the extra clothing draped around me. He let out a strained laugh. “You look even smaller in my clothes.”
I forced a smile and nodded my head. A strange buzzing noise went off inside of the car. Ryan made a face as he reached inside his pocket. “That wasn’t me. I thought you said you didn’t have a cell?” he asked.
“I just got it tonight.” I dug through the pile of wet clothes that were on the car floor and found my new phone. A tinge of guilt hit when I realized how poorly I was already taking care of it. The screen lit up with Cale’s name.
“Press on his name.” Ryan said. I followed his direction and read the text.
“What are you doing?”
I shoved the phone under my leg. I didn’t know how to reply to him and right now I didn’t want to. I still had a lot of thinking to do. Ryan gave me a sly smile and cleared his throat.
“Are you going to tell me how you got all the way out here and why you were trying to freeze yourself to death?”
I didn’t know how to sort it out for myself; I certainly couldn’t do it for someone else. It was none of his business why I was out there anyway. Defensively I sna
pped, “I could ask you the same question. What are you doing out here, stalking me?”
I instantly knew that was the wrong attitude to take but I’d already thrown it out there.
“No, I work out in a gym in the city and I was heading there, until I saw a pretty little, suicidal girl sitting on a bridge.”
Well, shit … he had a valid reason.
“Do you have any idea how close those cars were coming to you? If you had passed out, you may have fallen into traffic and then …” A buzz came from under my leg. I reached for it and pushed on Cale’s name again.
“Where are you at?”
I tucked it back under my leg and turned toward Ryan.
“Where did you get the phone?” he asked in a calmer voice.
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. For some reason I didn’t want to tell him.
“Did you steal it?”
“What? No!”
“Okay, just checking. You’re a little out of your element here. I thought maybe there was some sort of ‘Shady Jenna’ hiding inside there that likes to hang out in the bad parts of town and steal cell phones.” He flashed me a smile.
He had no idea how many versions of “Jenna” had been thrown around tonight.
“Cale gave it to me,” I said.
“I’m guessing the sponsoring thing went well then?”
“Yep.” I said, drawing out the word in a sarcastic tone. I sounded like my mother.
“What does that mean?”
I jumped as another buzzing went off under my leg.
“I am worried; please tell me where you are”
Emotions started to swirl like a hurricane inside me. I knew I was at risk of having another full-on anxiety attack if I didn’t work this out. I began to shake again and Ryan reached for the heater. I gently laid my hand on his. My voice was low, “I’m not shaking because I’m cold.”
“Okay ...” It wasn’t a statement; it was a question needing more information. We dropped our hands but I kept hold of his. I was going to need something to ground me through all of this.
Chasing Jenna Page 9