“My dad left as soon as he found out that my mom was pregnant.”
He didn’t speak, but gripped my hand tighter, encouraging me.
“It was just me and my mom. She was lonely.” My heart started racing as I realized what I was about to share with him.
“She had a lot of guys in and out of our apartment. Some stuck around for a while, some for one night.” I took a deep breath and continued. “Every time one of them would leave, she would talk about how he wasn’t her Prince. Then we would watch love stories on TV, and read the entire princess book series over and over again … until another guy showed up. Every time I would meet one she would say, ‘I think this is the one, Jenna. I think this is the opportunity we’ve been waiting for’.”
A look crossed his face as he realized where I was going with all of this. “Jenna, I…”
“Wait, please hear me out. As I grew up, while more men came in and out, I found out the hard way that desperate people have a way of letting evil in. And that’s what she did. She let evil men into our lives Ryan, all in hopes that he might be the one, an opportunity out of her shitty life.”
I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat and squeezed his hand tighter.
“There were a lot of men out there that wanted my mom, but not me.” He turned in his seat so he was facing me.
“Let’s just say I had a lot of accidents as a kid, lots of black eyes and bruised ribs.” I glanced up at him but his eyes were focused on our hands; he shook his head and he raked his teeth over his bottom lip.
“The reason I freaked out about that fight was because in my life – when I was that close to violence – I was the one getting hit.”
He reached out and grabbed me around the shoulders, crushing his chest against me.
“I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that,” he whispered into my hair.
I gasped, “Can’t really breathe,” I choked out.
He released me quickly, “Oops, sorry.” We both laughed awkwardly and it felt okay, like telling him my life’s secrets was the right thing to do. I leaned back into my seat, a little more at ease.
“Honestly, I was kind of shocked that I reacted that way. I think when I got here, I wanted everything to be so different. I clouded myself in a false sense of safety. I need to remember that I’m not really safe anywhere.”
Ryan reached over and squeezed my knee. “You’re safe with me, Jenna. I can promise you that.”
My phone buzzed again.
“Katie said you went out for a walk 2 hours ago and she hasn’t heard from you. TEXT ME BACK AND LET ME KNOW YOU ARE OKAY! OR CALL, PLEASE!”
Holding the phone tightly in my hands, I stared at the screen. “Tonight my mom called him my ‘opportunity’. What if I’m letting something into my life out of desperation and I can’t see it for what it is?”
He reached out and covered my hands with his, blocking my view of the screen. “Whoa, wait right there. First of all, you are not your mother. I’ve never met her, but it sounds to me like she was very confused on what the first rule of parenting is. Even I know you protect your children at all cost.”
“It’s not like that ...”
“Don’t defend her to me Jen, not right now. Not after what you just told me. Maybe somewhere down the road, I can listen to you tell me that she was a good mom, but not now.”
I nodded at him.
“And secondly, Cale is not those guys. He’s good and has a big heart. He obviously has feelings for you because he hasn’t been able to stop talking about you since you met.”
The phone buzzed again.
“I am going to give you fifteen minutes to text or call me or Katie before I contact the campus police”
I held the phone at eye level for him to read it. “You don’t think that is a little creepy?”
He gently pushed my hand down, looking me in the eyes. “No, I think that is a guy, who is used to being in control of every part of his life. Now he’s met you, and you’re making him crazy.”
“How?” I was completely confused.
Ryan rolled his eyes and shook his head back and forth. “You are so bad at this.” He held both hands out in front of him, making sure I knew what he was about to say was important. “Any other girl on campus would’ve been so thrilled that Cale Davis was texting her, they would’ve replied back ... immediately.” He dropped his hands in defeat, “And now you’ve made me sound like a chick.”
I thought about this for a few seconds. “Should I text him back?”
He looked at me with a funny face. “Yeah,” he said with a small laugh.
“What should I say?”
“The truth. Tell him you got lost. It’s not a lie and he’ll believe it coming from you.”
I scowled at him, he didn’t care.
“Tell him I found you walking downtown and picked you up and that you are almost back to your room now.”
Ryan started up his car and headed toward campus. I responded to Cale’s texts, typing exactly what Ryan told me to.
We pulled up in front of the towers. I gave him a quick hug, thanked him and jumped out of the car. I could hear him laughing as he watched me struggle to get up the steps in his clothes.
I opened the door to my room and Katie jumped off the couch. “Where have you been? Cale almost had the FBI looking for you!”
“I went for a walk and got lost.”
Katie folded her arms across her chest, shifted her weight to one side. “Really … and did your clothes get lost too?”
I put my hands up in surrender and then had to grab the waist of the sweatpants quickly before they fell to the ground.
“They’re Ryan’s clothes.” Katie just nodded her head like she already knew that.
“What? I really did get lost.”
We both jumped, surprised by the frantic knocking at the door. Cale’s voice boomed from the other side. “Katie! Is she back?”
Katie’s face went from surprise to panic. She reached into my drawer and threw some of my clothes at me, whispering, “Change.”
I scrambled to change as she yelled, “Yes she’s here, just a second I, um … I’m just getting changed.”
I shoved Ryan’s clothes under the couch, we gave each other a reassuring nod and she turned the door knob.
I held my breath as the door opened. I had no idea what to expect. I knew he would be upset by the tone of his texts, but just how upset, I didn’t know.
His eyes met mine. My heart jumpstarted. It felt like it would beat right out of my chest. His cheeks were flushed and his hair was a sexy kind of messy. He had been running his hands through it, worried about me. I walked over to him in silence and wrapped my arms around his waist. He let out a long breath and leaned into me. He pressed me against him with one arm while holding my head against his chest with the other, leaned into me and whispered into my hair, “Are you okay?”
I had never felt so completely cared for than I did in this moment. I nodded. I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn’t. A nod was all I was good for right now.
He kissed the top of my head, again whispering, “Okay.” He released me and my hands fell to my sides as I watched him walk away. Shame crept back in.
>CHAPTER FOURTEEN <
My head pounded. I’d spent the last two weeks learning what it really meant to be sponsored. Things had been so crazy since I accepted the sponsorship nomination from Cale. There’d been classes for myself and all the other prospective sponsored girls. It may have been easier if I could’ve bonded with the others, but because there were only four slots available and twelve girls vying for them, interaction was not recommended or encouraged. It was a competition, and they made sure to remind us of that every chance they got, making it a very lonely process.
Nolan Mcguire taught the classes and they were miserable. There was table etiquette, proper English, conversation etiquette, written letter etiquette and a whole bunch of other etiquettes I had never heard of before. He made it very clear that being sponsored
by one of the brothers made us a representative of the house by proxy. It was his job, as the Marshall of the house, to make sure we represented it well.
The worst part was, it became even more obvious, being me was not going to be good enough. I needed to change everything. The last thing I wanted to do was make Cale look bad, but this shit was hard.
With all the sponsoring classes, finding time to spend with Katie was nearly impossible. Cale insisted that we have dinner together every night so we could review the things I’d learned that day. Then there was studying at night with Ryan who, except for today, had been acting weird since our night on the bridge. And dealing with my mom, who thought she needed nightly updates on my sponsoring status – my life had been turned upside down.
“I’m done! I can’t do this anymore,” I whined as I pushed my “Cale gifted” laptop to the side and rolled over, hiding my face in the back of the couch. It was Saturday and Ryan and I had been studying most of the day. “I hate this stupid class anyway.”
Ryan laid flat on his back in front of the couch. He’d been down there for the last few hours, rolling around on the ground as we tried to study. He said it helped him think better.
He let out a small sarcastic laugh.
“What are you laughing about?”
“We have been studying for 6 hours and I don’t feel like I know any more than when we started.” He giggled a very unmanly giggle.
“You giggle like a girl; and why does that make you laugh? This is serious stuff Ryan. Do you want to fail?”
His laughter started to build and he rolled toward the couch.
“If you would pay attention and stop acting like an ass we could get back to work.”
I wanted to be serious, but watching him laugh was contagious. A smile started to spread across my face and he spotted it right away, pointing at me and laughing even harder.
“No, stop it!” I scolded. “This is not funny.”
Before I knew it, I was laughing along with him. It wasn’t long before it morphed into a crazy, out of control, ‘I have finally lost it,’ laugh. I tried to calm myself down. I took some deep breaths and even got off the couch to pace, shaking my hands – thinking that in some way it would help stop the laughing – but I couldn’t keep it together.
I continued laughing – having not slept in days I was ready to forget about all of it. This mess that had become my life was ridiculous. I fell back onto the couch in another failed attempt to regain some control. But every time I did, Ryan would start all over again.
“Stop,” I snorted, just before another wave of hysterics rolled through me. I reached over the side of the couch, grabbed a handful of his shirt – twisting it, and pulling him closer to me. “Please. I. can’t. Breathe.” I begged. He pulled me to the floor next to him – I landed with a thud. I was stunned silent but it made him laugh even harder.
“That hurt, you jerk.” I made a sad attempt to hit him on the chest; he grabbed my arm and held it tight, so I couldn’t try again. We lay on the floor, trying to catch our breath as the memory of what was so funny faded.
His hold on my arm lessened. I rolled up next to him, my body fit perfectly to his. He had become important to me in the last few months. We spent as much time as we could together. He was: my study partner, my stress reliever, my oasis – my best friend. He stared at the ceiling, looking relaxed and rubbing my arm lightly; leaving goose bumps wherever he touched.
“How do you do that?” I asked.
“What?”
“Make all the craziness melt away.”
He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed it quickly. “There isn’t anything,” he laughed, as he swept his hand in the air over me, “that can make all this craziness go away.” I hit him on the chest – again.
“Woman, I swear, you are too much to handle sometimes.” His big smile reached all the way to his blue eyes.
I sighed. “I’m trying to be serious with you right now.”
“Oh no.” He covered his eyes with the palms of his hands. “We’re about to have another girl talk aren’t we?”
“Yep.”
He rolled over onto his side and propped his head on his hand. “Okay, tell me; what do you mean?”
“Just … everything with the sponsoring classes. I had no idea what I was in for. Nolan is telling me I’ve got to change everything about myself.”
He grunted and scrunched his face. “What do you mean? You’re perfect.”
“No really, he says I talk wrong, I walk wrong, I need to work on my manners, and a whole bunch of other shit. I wish I could just quit.”
The room was silent. His expression seemed to harden, the smile was gone.
He sat up and I groaned at him, because that meant I had to move too. “You can’t quit.”
“Why? What do you mean I can’t?”
“Don’t even try to. I mean it. You cannot quit.” His voice had a sharp edge to it. It surprised me, and pissed me off.
I glared at him, “What’s your problem? I didn’t say I was going to quit. I just said sometimes I would like to.”
“This is big stuff, important stuff. You’re acting like it’s no big deal Jen. If you quit, you’ll make Cale look like an idiot. And you’ll upset a lot of important people.”
I stood up, continuing my glare. “Important to whom? I’m not going to quit, I already told you that. I was just trying to share with you how stressful this is. And I don’t really care who I piss off. There are a thousand other girls at this school. Can’t he pick one of them?”
He reached up to grab my hand but I pulled it away. He was instantly on his feet. “Hey, I’m sorry, okay? But you really need to think before you speak sometimes.” he said softly.
“No, Ryan, it’s not okay. I thought you were a real friend and now there are things I need to change for you too? I didn’t realize I needed to censor what I told you. I guess I’ll just add it to my list.” Shrugging my shoulders as I spoke, “I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I don’t care what you, my mom or Cale says. If I want to quit, I am going to quit.”
He tilted his head and shrugged back at me, “Okay, quit.”
I was stunned. What the hell kind of game was he playing? “What? You just said I couldn’t quit. Now you’re saying the opposite.” I grabbed at each side of my hair. “Ugh! And guys are always talking about how confusing girls are.” I started pacing back and forth.
“Girls are confusing Jen, especially you.” He put his hands up between us in a surrendering way when I whipped my head in his direction. “Now hold on and hear me out.”
I pushed my finger up against his chest. “Screw you, Ryan. I’m so sick of all of this. I’m tired of everyone telling me what I can and can’t do. Everyone thinks they know what’s best for me. Where have you been my whole life when no one has given two shits if I was okay? No one came to my rescue when I lay in my bed at eight years old, crying myself to sleep. Or when I was fourteen, in the emergency room, alone with a broken arm because my mom thought it would look less suspicious if she stayed at home with him instead of going with me. How about after my graduation ceremony, when everyone else was going to their own party and I was going to work? No one ever rescued me then – not ever. Why do you think I need it now? I’ve done just fine without any of you up until now, and I’ll be just fine without any of you from here on out.” I turned to grab the door handle.
His hand was over mine before I could get it open. He leaned his chest against my back, pushing me up against the door.
"I won’t let you run this time.” I fought against his body weight pressing against me.
“Get off me.” I knew there was no way to fight him, but that wasn’t going to stop me. I arched my back and pushed away from the door. He snaked his other arm around my waist as he spoke into my ear. “Hold on, let me talk to you.” His warm breath spread across my skin.
“Get off me.” I growled, fighting against his grip.
“You’re okay.” He
whispered. I grabbed at his hand, trying to pry it away from me. I twisted and pushed against his hold. He continued to whisper softly in my ear. “I’m here, I’m not going to let go.”
Panic took over and I pounded on the door, yelling against the tightness in my throat, tears streaming down my face.
“No one came before … no one rescued me then.” Didn’t he know I needed to get away from here? I needed to be invisible. I thought he knew these things, I thought he understood. Finally I couldn’t physically do it anymore. No one was coming to help me now either … no one ever came. Defeated, I dropped my head back against his chest, the sobs overpowering me.
He kept his hold on me but dropped his face to the bend of my neck. I cried out every tear I had ever held in. Tears for the little girl I’d never been allowed to be – for the all the times I had been lonely and afraid. I cried for all the times I should’ve told someone, anyone, but didn’t because of fear. I cried for my mom, who never felt good enough for anyone either, and for the life I didn’t want to live – but seemed destined to have. The tears had stopped, but my body continued to shake from the after effects. I took several deep breaths to steady myself.
“I would have,” he whispered.
I drew in a ragged breath. “You would have what?”
“I would’ve come for you – I would’ve rescued you.” He spoke in a breathy, broken voice. My heart swelled with emotion. I laid my forehead on the door and he held me up. The fight was gone. I believed him; he had rescued me in so many ways already.
When I felt I could finally stand on my own, he loosened his grip. I took hold of the hand around my waist, and moved it away from my body. He placed it on the door next to my head and lifted his weight just enough that I could turn and face him. His head hung down – I raised his face so I could see his eyes. My heart broke into a thousand pieces to see the trails of tears. Tears for a Jenna he’d never known. I traced a finger down his cheek as I leaned back against the door. I couldn’t stand the fact that I had put that look on his face. The only thing I was good at was ruining everything.
His lips parted slightly, but then closed again. “What is it?” I whispered. He hesitated, but then reached out, wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned into me.
Chasing Jenna Page 10