Writing the Wolf: A wolf shifter paranormal romance (Wolves of Crookshollow Book 2)

by Steffanie Holmes

  “Shut up, or I’ll cut you again.” Angus lifted a claw in warning. I winced. I already had a deep cut over my eye from the last time I disagreed with him. I backed away, not wanting to watch him do the grisly act.

  Robbie stayed where he was, his eyes locked on his brother. “Come on,” I called to him, knowing how seeing something like that would upset him.

  “No,” Robbie had said. “I’m not going anywhere. And Angus is going to let the cub go.”

  “Why?” Angus growled.

  “Because my brother is not a killer. My brother is honourable and wise.”

  I laughed. Angus was neither of those things. But Robbie said those things with such a wide, earnest look, I could tell he really, truly believed that Angus was an honourable wolf.

  Angus had the wolf clamped between his paws, but he didn’t bite down on its neck. Instead, he stared at Robbie, his mouth frozen in an open-mouthed grin.

  “My brother is not a killer,” Robbie insisted.

  Finally, Angus sighed, and lifted his paws. The tiny cub, once presented with the possibility of freedom, didn’t hesitate. With a final, piercing squeal, it rolled onto its feet and barrelled away into the forest.

  Angus, Robbie’s voice carried that same earnestness as he begged for my life. Please don’t do this. You can’t never, ever take it back. And I will never forgive you for it.

  Angus glared at me, his jaw quivering.

  He sighed.

  The anger in his eyes faded, replaced by … something that might’ve approached sadness if Angus were capable of such an emotion. The weight on my chest lifted. Angus backed away.

  I groaned as I tried to roll over, and fresh pain flared through my shoulder. I gritted my teeth and tried again. This time, I managed to get my feet underneath me, but my leg collapsed again.

  Angus reached down. I shrunk away, but his paw hooked around mine, and he hauled me to my feet.

  His breath hissed against my ear. This isn’t the end of it. I’ll have her one day, Lowe.

  You’re not having her. The thought hit me with the force of a freight train. She’s mine, and I’m hers. I love her.

  I swung my arm up, wrapping my hands around his neck, and with a surge of strength that I didn’t know I possessed, I threw Angus aside. He rolled in the dirt, and I scrambled up and threw myself at him.

  My teeth clamped around his neck. I bit down, tasting blood. Angus went limp in my arms. The fight fled me, and I dropped him, collapsing back on my hind legs. I was too tired to fight any longer.

  I just bit my brother, I thought. I wanted to kill him. He was going to let me go, and I would’ve taken his life.

  Angus lay in a pool of his own blood. He glanced up at me with wide, pain-filled eyes. Guilt rocketed through me. He may have been horrible to me, but he was still the only family I’d ever known. Even now, I was that little boy from my memory, just wanting approval from his bigger brother.

  You win, he gasped, holding his hand over the wound in his neck. She’s yours.

  She was never yours to give away, I shot back, backing away from him and the smell of his blood, before my instincts got the better of me.

  I took a shaking step toward Douglas, and gave him a lick across his cheek. Virtue mine honour, I said.

  Douglas’ lip curled up, the way it always did when he was secretly pleased. He leaned forward. I froze, waiting for his response, fully expecting him to rip my throat out. Instead, he dragged his long, wet tongue over my cheek, a gesture of respect, an alpha addressing his equal.

  Virtue mine honour, he said to me. Now get the fook out of here.

  I stepped away, hardly daring to believe that we’d done it. We were going to walk out of here.

  My mother stepped forward, and threw her arms around my neck. “You make me proud, my son,” she whispered in my ear. “Keep my secret from Douglas, and I will come to you soon. We’ll find the ring together, and bring the truth to the world.”

  I licked her ear, and she laughed. “That’s my boy.”

  I looked into her eyes one more time, and saw my own eyes reflected back at me. We were alike in more than just genes – I too was willing to sacrifice a lot for what I believed to be the greater good.

  Speaking of sacrifice …

  I turned away, and addressed the rest of the clan. Bàs no Beatha. I gave a little bow to the rest of the clan, the pack that had called me a brother, albeit an unwanted one, for so many years. The wolves watched in silence, acknowledging my goodbye with their eyes.

  I signalled to Irvine that it was over. He nodded, and silently, his wolves surrounded him, and helped him on his feet. They disappeared into the trees, a few remaining behind to carry off their dead.

  Ryan was still standing at the edge of the clearing, Rosa slumped in his arms. Marcus was there too. He’d torn away a piece of her shirt and was using it to bandage the wound on her shoulder. Her eyes met mine, filled with pain and joy.

  Everything else faded into the background. All that existed was her and me, the connection that had been ignited between us, and the freedom I had won. I hobbled toward her, standing on my hind legs so I could reach her face. I licked her cheek, the taste of her exploding across my senses. I could drown in the joy of her.

  “Caleb.” Rosa’s voice rasped with pain. She raised a hand, and stroked the side of my face. “My beautiful wolf. You saved me, again.”

  Her touch was like a burst of energy, shooting bright sunlight into my veins. Her smile drew me in, until I was drowning in her scent.

  “I can’t say I understand everything that’s just happened,” she said, stroking behind my ears. “But I can’t believe you did this for me. You stood up to all these wolves to save me. I’m so sorry for doubting you, Caleb. Please, I don’t want to be apart from you ever again. I want to be your mate.”

  This was all I ever wanted, all I’d dreamed about, to hear those words.

  But now they were cold against my guilt. We weren’t right, Rosa and I. Not anymore.

  I stared down into her eyes. She’d never looked more beautiful to me.

  I have to go, I said, the words almost breaking me. She couldn’t hear them, of course, but she felt me pull away from her.

  Her smile froze. “Caleb … Caleb? Where are you going?”

  I backed further, heading toward the tree line, my eyes drinking in her pain, the pain I had caused. Every muscle in my body begged me to go back to her, to wrap her in my arms and never let her go. But I had to resist. Rosa didn’t need a guy like me.

  I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, for everything I’ve done to you.

  I tore my gaze from hers and darted into the trees, pumping my legs as hard as I could with my wounds. I needed to put as much distance between us, before I succumbed to the tug of my heart, and returned to her. I had to do what was right, what she deserved.

  I had to set her free.

  Goodbye Rosa. I never dreamed I could love someone the way I love you. That’s why I’m doing this. That’s why I’m giving you your freedom back.

  25

  Rosa

  “Caleb!”

  I cried his name over and over, but he didn’t come back. I tried to climb down from Ryan’s arms, but my legs were like jelly. My whole body felt numb, as though I were no longer inhabiting it.

  “Caleb, come back!”

  Ryan gripped me tight against his chest. “Shhh,” he said, stroking my hair. “It’s okay.”

  “It’s not okay. Caleb’s gone. He’s left me here. Why did he leave me?”

  Ryan’s face looked stricken. He knew, of course. Caleb had said something, and Ryan had heard it with his shifter telepathy.

  “Where is he?” I pounded my fists against Ryan’s bare chest, but he only shook his head, his eyes sad.

  “He’s gone.”

  It was the woman. She stood next to Ryan, gazing down at me with familiar blue eyes, Caleb’s eyes. I knew I was looking at Maria, Caleb’s mother.

  She stroked my cheek, and the gestu
re made me so sick for my own family, for unconditional love, for the love I thought I could get from Caleb. Hot tears streaked down my cheeks.

  “Why did he leave me?”

  “Oh, honey.” She swept her arm around the clearing. “Can you blame him?”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “He’s a wolf. His first instinct is always to protect the people he loves. That puts you at the number one spot. Right now, he’s a newly crowned alpha who just had to fight his way to dominance.” She gestured to the carnage strewn across the clearing. “He’s left a trail of destruction in his wake. If he thinks that is the only life he can give you, then he believes you deserve something more, more than him.”

  “I don’t want more than him, whatever that means. I just want him.”

  “He’ll figure that out, love. But he has to do that in his own time, in his own way. He’s just won the right to his freedom. I think he wants the same for you.”

  Freedom. Caleb had spoken about it before, how he’d never felt as though he had it under the reign of his stepfather, how he admired me for renting my little cabin and forging my own freedom from the ashes of my tragedy. Why, then, did he not feel we could be free together? I just couldn’t understand.

  “We have to go after him,” I said to Ryan.

  “Rosa.” Ryan’s arms tightened around me. “Come on now. We’ll take you home.”

  “But Caleb—”

  Ryan shook his head. “He doesn’t want to be found. He wants you to go back to Crookshollow and write your book and live your life and forget you ever met him.”

  “But how? How can I just pretend he never existed? All my life, I’d had to be my own hero, until I met him. Caleb saved me. He saved me from everything, especially from myself. I was going to drown in anger and revenge, but he stopped me. He made me see that I could do more.”

  “He feels like he let you down,” Ryan said, as he started to walk back through the forest, Marcus and another tall, naked guy with long black hair followed behind him. “He needs to find a way to make it up to you.”

  “But I forgive him, I forgive you, Caleb!” I wailed as they opened a car door and bundled me inside.

  There was no answer from the forest. Ryan shut the door. Marcus slid into the seat next to me and buckled my seatbelt. The engine roared to life. I sat, numb with pain as we pulled away and bumped along the forest road, staring out the window at the trees rolling away into the distance, leaving my heart behind me.

  Everything was fine after that night, except that it wasn’t.

  Ryan took me straight to a hospital in Aberdeen, and had my wounds dressed. Caleb’s saliva must have done wonders for my healing abilities, because by the time the doctors got to me, the wound barely even needed stitches.

  We made it back to Crookshollow without incident. I can’t even recall the drive back. I spent the entire trip thinking about Caleb, begging the universe to send him back to me. I didn’t care anymore about what he’d said. People said stupid stuff all the time they don’t mean. I weighed him by his actions. He’d waded into hell to save me. He’d defeated his powerful family to secure my freedom. That was what really mattered. Why couldn’t he see that?

  Back in Crookshollow, I returned to my cabin. Margaret had already hired someone to scrub off the graffiti. All my stuff was there, exactly as I’d left it. I stared at a blob of dried egg stuck to the wall, a remnant of one of Caleb’s breakfast disasters, and cried for hours.

  Ryan went back to his big house, and Marcus went back to his flat. I didn’t seek them out, and they didn’t try to stay in touch. I don’t think they knew what to say to me.

  Alex came to check on me every other day, her clothes stained with bright paint splotches. We sipped tea on the porch while she kept up a steady stream of chatter about all sorts of things. I barely said a word to her, and she didn’t ask me to. I appreciated that, and came to look forward to her visits – the one bright spot in the black hole of my pain.

  Every day, my laptop stared at me from the desk under the window, but I ignored it. Instead, I read book after depressing, heartbreaking book, watched reality TV shows on the tiny screen of my phone, and cried my way through fifty-one boxes of Coles tissues.

  A week after we returned to Crookshollow, there was a knock on my cabin door. I wasn’t expecting Alex, so I peered cautiously out the window. Luke stood on the porch, his face impassive, his hands jammed into his pockets. For the first time ever, he looked uncomfortable.

  I threw opened the door. “Have you seen him?” I demanded.

  Luke shook his head. “Is that any way to greet your second-favourite werewolf? How’s the book going?”

  “It’s not, and you know that it’s not. Answer my question, have you seen Caleb?”

  Luke looked even more uncomfortable. “He doesn’t want to be found right now. He said there was something he had to do. Can I come in?”

  I held open the door for him. Luke slumped down in the chintz chair, and I put on the kettle for both of us.

  “I thought you might like to know that the Macleans have agreed to leave you alone,” he said. “Maria got Douglas and Irvine to sit down and make a truce. Douglas has even agreed to support us when we reveal the existence of shifters to the world.”

  “So he knows about the ring?”

  Luke nodded. “Maria explained it to him again, and he agrees that a lot of good could come from having the shifter society out in the open. He’s a changed man since the battle. He can’t abide what Angus did, what he nearly supported. I think Douglas sees that his legacy will be one of cruelty and cowardice, and he can’t abide that.”

  “Good for him,” I said flatly, pouring out the tea and handling Luke his cup. Without Caleb, all of this seemed pointless.

  Luke beamed as he took a sip. ”And there’s more. Robbie has asked to join our pack.”

  Now that was a surprise. “And you let him?”

  Luke nodded. “He showed he can stand up for what is right, that when the time comes, we can count on him. He wants to help us find the ring, and honestly, with Caleb gone, I could really use the help.”

  “Could you track Caleb down, if you had to?” I tried to keep my tone casual, but my voice was thick with hope.

  Luke looked away, as though he didn’t want to answer. He was silent for several moments, before saying, “If it was life or death, yeah. I could find him.”

  “This is life or death, Luke. I need him.”

  “You don’t, though.” Luke looked around the cabin. “A couple of weeks ago, all this was enough for you.”

  “That was before I knew him.” My throat closed. “We had a fight, before I was kidnapped. It was a shitty fight, but I don’t understand why we can’t just sit down and talk about it.”

  “From what he told me, you can’t do that because he knows he was wrong. And he’s not very good at saying sorry. He has to find a way to show you.”

  “Can’t you do something? You’re the closest family he’s got.”

  Luke shook his head. “This is Caleb’s thing. You know as well as I do that he’s a stubborn git. Nothing I could say will convince him of something if he doesn’t believe it himself.”

  I stared at the laptop, lying untouched on my desk, a layer of dust across the lid. “I don’t know how to go on without him.”

  “You do what you have to do, Rosa. You use the freedom he won for you, and you do the thing you’re supposed to do – you write your book, and tell your story.”

  I wiped a tear from my eye. “Before I met Caleb, I never thought I’d get the chance for a happy ending. I was positive my life was just going to be one struggle to be accepted after the next. But he showed me that I had so much more to live for than that. He made me feel like I could do anything. He could’ve been my happy ending, if I hadn’t messed it all up.”

  Luke shrugged. “You didn’t mess up, he did, and that’s what he’s trying to fix. Maybe there’s no happy ending because it isn’t time for the ending y
et.”

  How I wished that was the truth. But I had to face facts. Caleb had run away. He didn’t want me to contact him. He was gone from my life for good. I had to find a way to get over him and move on with my life.

  26

  Rosa

  Two Months Later

  Margaret had been visiting my cabin a lot more since I’d got back from Aberdeen. She told me that Caleb had moved out a couple of weeks after he’d left me. So he’d been back in Crookshollow, but hadn’t come to see me.

  She didn’t know where he’d gone. Which was good, because if she did, I might be tempted to find him. And he clearly wanted nothing to do with me.

  Luke stayed in Crookshollow for a few weeks to help Robbie settle into his new Crookshollow flat. The two of them would disappear into the forest for days at a time, but when I asked Luke what they were doing, he just said they were on “pack business.” I knew they were meeting Caleb.

  Again and again, I begged Luke to tell me where he was, but he wouldn’t budge. He also wouldn’t deliver a message for me, nor even tell me what he and Caleb and Robbie were plotting together. “It’s Lowe family business,” he said. “This isn’t something you should get involved in.”

  I didn’t blame him for the secrecy. I wasn’t a member of the pack. I wasn’t anyone’s mate.

  I was rejected, again.

  Being alone in the cabin gave me so much time to think, but all my thoughts were about Caleb. I thought it would be more than enough time to get over him. After all, we’d really only known each other for a couple of months. But every grain of wood in the place made me think of him.

  I hated him for leaving me, for building up all that love and hope inside me and then crushing it under his paw. I hated him for proving me right, for becoming just another white guy who had screwed me over. I hated him for how weak I felt whenever I thought of him. And yet … I missed him terribly. I missed him so bad, my chest hurt to think about it.

  I forced myself to write, to mask the pain with words. The story morphed – almost without me realising it – into something dark and twisted. Nellie systematically worked her way through the people who had wronged her, enacting increasingly more violent revenge upon them. At first it was fun, dreaming up the ways I’d like to hurt everyone, how Susan would be choked by her own Chanel scarf, how Sam would have his penis cut off and fed to him. But the more I wrote, the deeper I sank into Nellie’s vengeance, the more I realised how much I didn’t want to be like her.