Going Solo

by Zoe Sugg

  I follow his gaze out of the window, and I have to agree with him. If you look at it from the right angle, it looks like the sea comes right up to the edge of his living room. But then I shake sense back into my brain. “But that means . . . how long have you been living here?”

  “Since I left the tour,” he says sheepishly.

  “Huh?” I blink several times, unsure of how to process this new information. “You’ve been living in Brighton this whole time?”

  “Yeah.” He gestures for me to sit down, and I’m glad because I’m not sure my legs will hold me up much longer.

  “But . . . why? I thought you loved New York? If you were going to buy a place anywhere, I figured it would be there.”

  “Have you seen the price of NYC real estate? Heck, it puts even London to shame!” At my confused expression, he softens. “OK, so it wasn’t about real estate prices at all. I wanted to see if I could do this. If I could really live here.”

  “And if you couldn’t? Buying a flat is a pretty big deal.”

  “I had some money from the tour and if I didn’t like it then it’s still a good investment. Trust me, this new management company is much more on me to be wise about my financial decisions.”

  “Oh, that makes sense, I guess.” I pick at a loose thread on my jacket. I haven’t even felt comfortable enough to take it off yet.

  Noah shifts closer towards me, so that our knees are almost touching. “Penny, I want to be with you more than anything. But I also know that I can’t expect you to just drop your life—your dreams—to come on tour with me all the time. And then, what—I’m in New York in the off-times and we do long distance? Nah, you still have two years of studying left. It’s too hard. We figured that out pretty quickly before.”

  I nod, miserable to be reminded of all the ways “Noah and me” didn’t work.

  “So I wanted to see if I could be here in Brighton, but without the pressure of you thinking I’d moved here just for you. And, Penny, I love it here. Fenella introduced me to some awesome musicians who live down here and we’ve been jamming all the time. I’ve written more new music staring out at that sea than I ever did in Brooklyn. The streets just feel alive with creativity. It feels . . . it feels weirdly like home.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, really. Since Mom and Dad . . .” He releases a long, sharp breath that reminds me just how hard it is for him to mention them. “Since they died, I haven’t felt like there’s a place that’s mine. Sadie Lee has been amazing, but her house isn’t where I belong, not anymore. I used music to escape—when I first met you I was running away from all my problems—but you’re the one who grounded me. I wondered if the effect would extend to this cool little British seaside town. And it has. For now, this is where I want to be.” He reaches out and grips my hand. “That is, if you don’t mind. Because if this is going to be an issue, I can move or I can . . .”

  I lean back in the sofa, letting my body sink into the leather. “Noah . . .”

  “I know, it’s a lot. You don’t have to say anything just yet. I wanted to tell you all this in Scotland, but I thought it would make more sense if I could just show you.”

  He’s right. Now that I’m here and can see how . . . how at home he is, it does feel real. I don’t think I could have imagined it if he hadn’t shown me.

  I lift my eyes. “And the party?”

  Noah laughs softly. “I thought you knew I was going to be there. That’s what Megan told me. So when I saw you with that guy again . . . I just saw red. It’s not an excuse. I’m trying to explain.”

  “You surprised me by being there.” Before he can speak again, I think back on all those times I thought I saw Noah. Maybe it really had been him. “Have you seen me since you were in Brighton?”

  “It was hard not to! This town is a lot smaller than I thought. I tried to stay out of your way, though. Like I said, I wanted us to figure this out independently.” He bites his lip. “Did I do the right thing?”

  I think about how much his absence and his silence hurt. I think how I tried to move on, but something was holding me back. I think about the ghost-Noahs that have been haunting my every step. And I think about how far I’ve come—with my panic attacks, with my new friends, with my photography. All I want to do is share that with the person I love most in the whole world. With the person who makes me better. If that means letting go of the hurt—I can do that.

  I can do that with my whole heart.

  There’s just one more thing, though. “What about Sadie Lee and Bella?” I say.

  “Well . . . that’s the main thing I had to talk to Sadie Lee about up in Scotland. But she surprised me too. So you know how the partnership with your mum works so well?”

  “Yeah . . .”

  “They’ve been talking for quite a while about properly going into business together. That way they can keep doing these big, high-profile events.”

  “Seriously?” My stomach flutters with excitement: this could be the perfect thing for Mum too. Mum and Dad have always worried about how to make sure they can keep the business going, but with Sadie Lee as a partner . . . they would be unstoppable.

  Noah nods. “They want to at least try it out. And since Bella loves it here . . . they’re going to stay for a while.”

  I can’t help myself. I launch off my corner of the sofa and land in his arms. “Is this really happening? You’re really serious about this?”

  “Deadly.”

  For a moment, words totally escape me. Noah pulls me tight into his chest, and I let myself relax in a way I haven’t in months. Then I lift my chin, studying his dark brown eyes, remembering every fleck of gold in his irises, the way his eyelashes curve softly, pointing up to his brows. My gaze drifts lower, over his strong nose, the day-old stubble on his chin, and finally to his wonderfully full lips.

  He leans forward, his hands caressing my back, preventing me from falling. Then his lips brush against mine, softly at first, then with greater urgency.

  Suddenly the fireworks I’ve been missing are all lit up at once inside my mind, bursts of silver and gold sparks in front of my eyes. He pulls away slightly but I bury my hands in his unruly hair and bring him back again. He tastes like caramel and sea salt, and his familiar musky scent fills every intake of breath. I want to kiss like this forever.

  A kiss that feels so right I expect angels to start singing and trumpets to sound at any moment.

  When he pulls away again, our faces remain so close we might as well be kissing. He strokes my cheek and whispers to me softly:

  “This is you and me, Penny. I meant it when I said ‘forever.’ ”

  1 November

  Brooklyn Boy Is Back

  Good evening, my lovely readers!

  I promised you that this new iteration of Girl Online was going to be more honest and upfront, so I have to share the news with you guys . . . Brooklyn Boy is back, but he’s no longer Brooklyn Boy . . . now he’s Brighton Boy!

  Sometimes the ghosts of our past come back to haunt us and it’s just whether they’re friendly ghosts or not that takes a bit of time trying to work out. So, that’s right: BB is back in my life. He’s back in all our lives.

  It’s strange—I really thought that if I put my mind to it, I could bury all these feelings I have towards him. Turns out, however, even a charming Scottish guy couldn’t erase them. That’s when I knew they were so deep and real I couldn’t NOT act upon them!

  I’ve worked out that when it comes to both your heart and your head, heart wins every time. No matter how loud your head is screaming, your heart is always louder and stronger. I’m not sure how this will go, and I’m a little nervous if I’m completely honest with you, but I’ve put my worries to one side for now and I’m just taking each day as it comes.

  I’m so happy, I’m almost brimming every waking moment of every day, and I’m making the absolute most of it. It feels so normal—but so new and exciting all over again.

  Got to dash. I can
’t think above the racket of my completely, ridiculously, utterly beautiful, talented boyfriend playing his guitar. (Feels so weird to say that )

  Girl Online, going offline xxx

  PS Would you like some fries with all that cheese? ;) x

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  “Cheers, to the second best couple in the world getting back together,” says Elliot, raising a glass to us. I’d invited Elliot and Alex over to Noah’s apartment for a bit of a celebration— we’d ordered in Pizzaface pizza, which we ate on the floor (since Noah had no dining table), off mismatched plates that we found buried in Noah’s cupboard. He wasn’t kidding when he said he didn’t cook much. Most of the kitchen stuff looks like it’s never been touched.

  I snuggle into Noah’s shoulder and “Cheers” back with my fizzy water.

  “I must say, it’s awesome that you’re sticking around, Noah,” Elliot continues with a grin. “Now maybe we can get normal, happy Penny back—rather than the grump who’s been hanging round these parts lately.”

  “Hey!” I say. I chuck a piece of garlic bread at his head, but it lands directly in his glass with a loud plop.

  “My vintage!” he squeals.

  “Good shot!” Alex laughs.

  This is how it should be. The four of us, hanging out and not having a care in the world.

  “So, tell me, what else have you guys been up to while I’ve been away?” says Noah, turning to Alex first.

  “Same old, same old for me,” says Alex. “I’ve moved jobs, and I’m making more money as a waiter than I did at that vintage shop. I think they want me to train as a manager, which would be great. Other than that, I’ve just been hanging out with this nutter.” He nudges Elliot in the ribcage, causing him to almost spill his wine again.

  Noah turns next to Elliot, who sighs dramatically. “Well, you know that I’m living with Penny at the moment?”

  Noah’s brow furrows in concern. “I gathered, but I don’t know all the details.”

  Alex gently strokes Elliot’s hand as Elliot shrugs. “Not really any details I’d want to divulge. My parents are psychopaths, so I had to move out.” He laughs, but it doesn’t quite ring true. When we don’t respond the way he expects, Elliot continues, his finger running round the top edge of his glass. “They’re just fighting a lot. I think they’ll probably end up getting divorced, but I can’t be in the house while they’re figuring it out. It’s not long until it’s not my problem anyway. I have bigger things to worry about, like getting into uni and making sure Alex here comes with me.”

  “I’ll come with you and you know it. Let’s be honest, what choice do I have?” Alex says with a laugh, lifting Elliot’s hand to his mouth and kissing it.

  “I’m sorry, man, that’s hard about your mom and dad,” says Noah. “Have you decided which uni yet? Last time I heard, you had a school in London in mind?”

  “Yeah, University College London, if I can.”

  “If anyone can do it, you can,” Noah says. “You’re, like, the smartest kid I’ve ever met . . . besides myself, obviously . . .”

  Elliot waves his hand in front of him extravagantly and takes a bow. “Why, thank you, kind sir. I was going to be worried about Penny missing me, but that probably won’t be a problem now that you’re not hiding away like Miss Havisham anymore,” he says with a wink.

  “Hey, I’ll still miss you!” I protest. “But in case you hadn’t noticed, since going to visit Megan I’m a pro at whizzing up to London now.”

  “Speaking of the she-devil, has she been in touch since the party?”

  I shake my head. “No. It is Megan after all . . . plus she’s probably busy with rehearsals for the show. Opening night is tomorrow.”

  “Well, tell her I hope she breaks a leg. Literally.”

  “Elliot!”

  “What? Inviting Noah to the party just so she can become queen bee of her stupid school, not caring about your feelings or what sort of drama it might bring up—that does not make me like her anymore than I already disliked her before. I had maybe shifted from Hatred Level Elevated down to Guarded, but now it’s ratcheted right back up to Severe again.”

  “What are you talking about, Wiki?”

  “I use the US Homeland Security threat levels scale—and Severe is the highest.”

  I frown. “She’s not that bad. She had a really hard time at the school in the beginning. And you know Megan—she always goes over the top when it comes to these things.”

  “You don’t have to keep defending her, Penny,” says Elliot. “It’s exhausting just listening to you doing it all the time. Sometimes I wish you’d just open your eyes. That woman is evil incarnate.”

  Noah’s arms stiffen round my shoulders, but I don’t need him to fight my battles for me. “I’m Megan’s oldest friend,” I say levelly, “so I have to believe the best in her.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t; you’re being wasted on her,” my BFF grumbles. Then he waggles his eyebrows at me. “Noah, you should ask Penny what she’s been up to while you’ve been away, with her photography, I mean.”

  “Oh?” Noah leans back so that he can look into my face more easily. My cheeks are rapidly turning a horribly bright shade of red.

  “I don’t want to talk about it yet . . .” I mumble.

  “That’s right, it’s a secret project,” Elliot persists.

  “Does it have to do with your A-level stuff?” Noah asks, the words sounding funny in his mouth. Coming from the United States, where they have a different system—SATs and Advanced AP classes and other weird stuff like that—he hasn’t quite got to grips with the difference between my GCSE exams I took last year and the A levels I’ll be taking next year. (I’ve already had to explain the intricacies of sixth form to Noah. Him: “So it’s called ‘college,’ but it’s not college like I know it?” Me: “No, it’s not ‘college’ as in ‘university.’ It’s what you take in order to get into university.”)

  I shake my head, but keep my lips tightly zipped.

  “OK, does it have anything to do with that internship you did over the summer with that fancy photographer?”

  “Mayyybe,” I say, regretting even giving away that much. “I promise to tell you all when it’s ready. It’s just an idea at the moment and I feel like if I talk about it or even think too much about it then it might fly away.”

  “I feel that way about songs sometimes,” says Noah. “I’m glad you’re still concentrating so hard on your photography. I didn’t realize how much I missed that side of you until I tried to take my own pictures of the sea and they just came out crap. I honestly think Bella could have done a better job.” He kisses my shoulder, and I beam.

  “You two are so sweet it makes me sick,” says Elliot.

  “No, I think that’s just too much pizza!” I shoot back.

  Elliot grips his stomach as it lets out a growl. “Oh my god, I think you might be right,” and he stands up.

  “Bathroom’s down the hallway and to the right, dude,” calls Noah after him.

  Just then, my phone rings, and when the caller’s face pops up on the screen and I see it’s Leah, I say, “I better get this,” to Noah.

  He nods, raising his eyebrows in concern, but I whisper, “I’ll explain later,” before stepping out into the hall.

  “Hey, Leah,” I say when I answer. “How are you?”

  “Oh, you know, getting there. I saw that Noah’s back— his Twitter is active again. Does that mean he’s been in touch?”

  Even though she can’t see it, I smile. “Yeah,” I say, feeling sheepish even though I know I have no reason to. “And some. To cut a long story short, we’ve decided to give it another go.”

  There’s a squeal on the other end of the line. “Yay! I’m so happy for you guys,” she says. “I want to hear all about it, but I’m calling this time to give you an update on the whole song leak thing. Do you have your laptop around?”

  “No, I don’t . . .” I say, “but I can see if I can borrow Noah’s.” I w
alk back into the living room and gesture to the MacBook on the table. “Do you mind?” I ask Noah.

  “Go ahead,” he says. He lifts it up and gives it to me. I walk over to the kitchen, put the laptop down on the worktop, and boot it up.

  “Is anything going to happen to Posey?” I ask. Even though she did an awful thing, I hope nothing more is going to happen to her. Losing her part in the show is bad enough.

  “Listen, I’ve had my lawyers and tech guys going over things for days,” Leah explains.

  I let go of a long breath. This is a huge deal for Leah. “I’m really sorry this happened to you. Do you have a plan?”

  “We’re not going to press charges for now. And my label has decided to use the noise to help drive pre-order sales. I’m going to be working my butt off for the next few days, but we’re going to get the single ready for release ASAP.”

  “Well, that’s good at least. What a nightmare.” I breathe a sigh of relief that Leah can be so nice about it. She could have pressed charges, but I get the feeling Posey has had enough punishment already.

  “Anyway,” she continues, “yesterday they came up with something very interesting. I’ve sent you an email with a link in it. Once you watch it, I’ll leave it to you to decide what to do. Now, I better run. I am so happy for you and Noah. When I’m next in town, we’ll all have to meet up.”

  “It’s a date,” I say.

  Leah hangs up before I can question her anymore about the link she’s sent me, so I immediately log into my emails, my fingers flying across the keyboard. Leah’s email is sitting at the top. STRICTLY PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL is the title, and it makes me gulp.

  I open it and click the link, which leads to a video on a private channel. I watch the video once, then I instantly rewind and watch it again.