A Load of Hooey

by Bob Odenkirk

  What’s that? If I believe in you I will live forever? So, then I won’t die?

  Oh, so you’re saying “figuratively” I will live…in some heaven, somewhere? What’s that like? What happens there?

  So it’s sort of a limbo place where everyone sings your praises all day and night? Hmm…yeah, well, no, I get why you think it’s a pretty great place. It sounds…

  My dead relatives will all be there? Are you trying to make it sound less attractive? Anyway, thanks again for…you know—that one time, and I guess I’ll see you around, ’kay?

  [LAZARUS walks away, thoughtful, but gets only a short way before he turns around and runs up to Jesus with a big grin on his face—]

  Hold up a second—I get what you’re doing here! Last time I died I was dead for four days before you raised me up! You wanted me to think it was going to go on forever! Then you popped in and Boom! I’m up! What are you going to do this time? Make me wait five days? Tssss… You’re prankin’ me! You’re hustling my ass!

  Oh—you really mean it, you’re NOT going to raise me up again? I don’t believe you, man…I can see your smile—you don’t fool me. Nice one…nice try.

  [LAZARUS winks and walks away, nodding his head and grinning. Jesus stares at the ground, shaking his head.]

  ACTUAL-FACTUAL NEW JESUS FACTS

  A fresh new Dead Sea Scroll was discovered and deciphered last year, and some fascinating facts about the historical figure of Jesus have come to light.

  1.Jesus Christ went by the name Jesus and was only called “Geez” by his closest friends.

  2.He NEVER used the name Jesus H. Christ as we know it. However, there are documents signed “Holy Christ” and “Christ Almighty.” There is no record of him appearing under the moniker “Jesus Christ Almighty” or “Gee Whiz.”

  3.He once hosted a comedy-benefit-revue-style show for lepers where he appeared in drag as “Geez Louise.”

  Famous Quotations—Unabridged

  “A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous. Oh, and shallow—really, really shallow.”

  —Coco Chanel

  SO YOU WANT TO GET A TATTOO!

  “A tattoo is forever.” —Steven Hawkings*

  FIRST, PAUSE!

  It’s true: a tattoo, drawn in permanent ink, will stay on your body forever, so you need to make the RIGHT CHOICE. You need time to think about the possibilities, contemplate what has meaning for you, and consider how the image will age with you in time. With this in mind, we have the three criteria you should follow for tattoo hunting:

  1.Do Not Be in a Hurry.

  2.Do Not Be Drunk.

  3.Do Not Be Drunk and in a Hurry.

  These are simple directives, but if you cannot follow them, we understand. It’s very common for these simple rules to be discarded in the face of the notion of getting a permanent tattoo permanently drilled into your skin forever and ever.

  So, you’re set on it, are you? You are getting a tattoo, and you’re drunk, and you have to do it right now? Fine. Glad I made that first list. Onward.

  MAKE A LIST OF THINGS YOU LOVE!

  You need to make a list of things you love. These cannot be things you love today, or this week, or even this year. These must be things you’ve loved for a long, long time. Below is an example list. This is not necessarily the list you would make, but it’s close enough so that you can use it, since you’re drunk and in a hurry.

  Example Tattoo List:

  1.Mom (yours)

  2.Favorite movie (e.g., The Big Lebowski)

  3.Girlfriend’s name (e.g., “Jane”)

  4.Favorite rock band (e.g., “RUSH”)

  5.Favorite album/year (e.g., 2112)

  6.Celtic/yin-yang design

  7.Something you like, have always liked, and will always like (e.g., “A Piece of Chocolate Cake”)

  Let’s look closer at your list.

  First of all, “Mom,” the classic, made popular by men who’d spent time in the trenches of WWI and its sequel, WWII: Germany Doubles Down. These men made wise choices, getting tattoos that reminded them of their mothers—the only women who truly loved them. Keep in mind, this was the early part of last century, so these were stay-at-home moms. Nowadays Mom has to work to keep the family in two cars and wireless devices (and a house), so we justifiably feel far less affection for her. Scratch Mom off the list.

  The second one—favorite movie. Here you might choose to get the name of the movie tattooed, or a character—like the popular character of the Dude from The Big Lebowski. This will always remind you of a lazy stoner guy who made you smile whenever he was on screen. Here’s the rub; if you get this tattoo, then people will always be playing this movie for you—at every birthday, at your bachelor (or bachelorette) party, on Father’s Day. No movie can withstand this kind of scrutiny, believe me. I know a guy with an image of Napoleon Dynamite on his forearm and he’s constantly asked if he “still loves that movie,” to which he always grins and says, “Leave me alone.”

  This same logic can be applied to the next two tattoo possibilities on your list: you favorite rock band and/or album. Your taste will change as you grow older. You may even stop listening to music completely as you turn fifty and become enamored of talk radio and the rantings of your favorite pundit, or when your “favorite” band reunites for “one last tour” and you pay too much to see them and they just sound like crap, and Neal Peart looks like the angry neighbor who called the cops on you when you were a teenager. I promise you will get sick of your favorite music right now, no matter how much you like it. However, you can always get a tattoo of “Weird Al” Yankovic, as he’s a “perennial”—and thanks to his ironic dimension, he remains relevant forever.

  Do not get a Celtic symbol or a yin-yang design. They just become wallpaper. People won’t even ask you about them. What good is a tattoo if it evokes nothing from people around you? It has to be a statement of some kind. You’re not that drunk, are you?

  Finally, something you love, always have, and always will. “A Piece of Chocolate Cake.” Is this a legit tattoo? I’ve never seen it done, but here’s what I know. Everyone likes chocolate, and everyone likes cake. People like chocolate cake even if they’ve just finished eating a piece of chocolate cake. Children like it, alienated teenagers like it, and old people love it. Wherever you are, people will see your tattoo and immediately feel connected to you! Every time you look in the mirror and see it, you will ask yourself, “Why did I get this? Oh, right—I LOVE chocolate cake! I should get a piece right now! Thanks, tattoo!”

  So, it’s settled then. You are getting a tattoo of either “Weird Al” Yankovic or the words A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE. (Between you and me, I hope you’ll get the cake one—it’ll make me laugh.)

  * Not Steven Hawking, the other guy—I’m talking about the fat one who says obvious things.

  A VISION OF THE FUTURE

  It’s the year 3012 and all food is gluten-free. No restaurant, grocery, or bakery serves anything with gluten in it, and guess what? Everything still tastes great. But that’s not the only thing that’s changed.

  The amount of time people save by not having to ask—or answer—the question “Is that gluten-free?” when ordering food has lengthened every individual’s life span by an estimated fourteen hours. This “extra time” is used by most people to write negative reviews on the Internet of things they see or hear or have heard about.

  Cars run on gluten-free fuel, which is an improvement on the green fuel that replaced gasoline completely in 2567. The original green fuel was a combination of wheat, seaweed, and curry powder. It was loaded with gluten, and then there was the fact that everything smelled like curry. I mean everything—the whole of outdoors—curry.

  A race war is raging. Latinos and Asians are kicking butt. Blacks and whites are losing. Lots of deaths, but thankfully, it didn’t impede the effort to reduce the amount of gluten in food.

  Jerusalem is at peace. Israel is back to its 1967 borders, and the Palestinians and
Israelis are best friends. Interesting fact: there are more bar mitzvahs performed in Palestine than anywhere else on earth. At these bar mitzvahs, only gluten-free food is served—but you knew that already.

  In 2997, the scientist Dontaurius Morgan finally figured out how to remove all gluten from food without losing flavor or consistency. He had a full career as a footballer, playing halfback for the Liverpool Beatles team for the maximum eight concussions. He then attended Harvard-on-the-Moon University, a division of the University of Phoenix, the world’s most respected institution of higher learning. Statues of Dontaurius are all over the place. It’s considered good luck to rub the statue’s belly and pinch its nipples. This is kinda weird, but…what can you do?

  A spaceship called the Starship Enterprise has been traveling through space for nearly a hundred years, exacerbating conflicts and instigating quarrels. Experts suspect that the crew is attempting to reintroduce gluten into the food supply.

  People live to be 130 years old on average—and they live well. My wife can eat anything, anywhere, without calling ahead to check on what they serve, or if it’s gluten-free. We go out a lot, so, yeah, life is pretty great. Except for the horrible, rampant racism.

  OBIT FOR THE CREATOR OF MAD LIBS

  On Tuesday, in Canton, Connecticut, a town famous for the stickiness of its boogers, a stinky old man died of a good disease at his home at 345 Rotten Lane. Mr. Preston Wirtz, whose parents, Ida and Goober, ran a small jelly farm, died in his yellowish toilet. Mr. Wirtz was hated in Uzbekistan for the series of wordplay books he created for slippery children, books known far and wide as “Mad Libs,” beloved by hairy grumps and farty grampas alike. These books were never appreciated by tall elves, selling over two per year for one decade. When asked to describe Mr. Wirtz, his jealous wife, wearing nothing but an egg carton and flip-flops, called him “in a nutshell, the most sour-smelling, bacon-licking, pimple-footed crab-apple I have ever known. I will never always miss him and his broken underwear.” Then she cried herself to sleep in her fart-house.

  Famous Quotations—Unabridged

  “It’s the job that’s never started as takes longest to finish. But that’s nothing compared to writing a trilogy—that takes fucking forever.”

  —J. R. R. Tolkien

  THAT’S QUITE ENOUGH OF YOU, ODENKIRK

  A half a damn century of me. Enough.

  I am deeply thankful that I have slipped past death’s hinky radar so far. If he ever caught sight of my sorry ass, the Reaper would surely label me a “waste of space,” whip out his scythe, and mutter, in a tight close-up, “I live for this shit.” Then he’d cackle in surround sound, swoop through a time hole, and take me down as I walked unsuspectingly through a busy intersection in LA reading a British tabloid on my smartphone. And hell, I’d deserve it, wouldn’t I?

  I already told my kids: when I die, no parades. No parades and no holiday, either. Keep it simple. I just want a simple statue. A simple, life-size statue, to scale—except in the crotch. Give yer pops a boost there for old times’ sake, and mount that statue on a simple granite base in the foyer of the White House. That’s all. Because I’d like to be remembered as just another great American with a slightly larger-than-normal-sized endowment in the crotch, thank you very much.

  People whom I haven’t seen in a while come up to me and say, in a tone of upbeat surprise, “Bob, is that you? Wow, you look great!” And it doesn’t come across as a compliment, because I look “okay,” just okay. So then I have to wonder: how old, tired, bald, and paunchy did you think I would be by now? Did you think that the next time you saw me I would be a sagging, flabby, hairy sweatball you could hardly recognize if my personal nurse didn’t tell you who I used to be? What do you think I’m doing when you aren’t seeing me standing right in front of you? Sitting in the sun eating burgers, drinking beer, listening to soft rock, and melting? I got a life, dammit! Give me some credit.

  OTHER BOOKS BY THIS AUTHOR

  SO YOU WANT TO WRITE A BOOK?

  In this masterpiece of the how-to genre, Bob Odenkirk asks his readers questions such as You want to write a book? Really? Why? Wasn’t this one good enough for you? What about the other twenty billion books you can pick up for free at the library? Oh, I get it, none of them contain your life story. Are you sure? Have you checked? Double-check.

  CATALOG OF MY FEELINGS

  A list—literally a list—of the author’s feelings. Not numbered. Neither in alphabetical nor chronological order. No commentary is made, no specifics are given, nothing concrete is described. Set a world record for “most uses of the word angry in a book.” Fascinating.

  HOW TO RECYCLE PAPER

  A twelve-pound book printed on 100 percent recycled heavyweight card-stock paper. Achieves its aim.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Bob Odenkirk is stuck under a cat holding someone’s wine and a stinky old pipe.

  Inspired by Monty Python, Bob and Ray, and shows he’d seen at Chicago’s Second City Theatre, Bob started writing sketches for his classes in junior high. He went on to write for Saturday Night Live (where he wrote the “Motivational Speaker” sketch), and The Ben Stiller Show (where he wrote the infamous “Manson Lassie” sketch). Bob went on to create (and star in) Mr. Show with Bob and David, which has been called “the American Monty Python.” He goosed along the creation of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! on Adult Swim and was a key element in the birth of The Birthday Boys on IFC.

  As an actor, Bob has had memorable roles as the agent Stevie Grant on The Larry Sanders Show, the character of Saul Goodman on AMC’s Breaking Bad, as well as in Alexander Payne’s Oscar-nominated film Nebraska. He will reprise his Breaking Bad role in Better Call Saul, a new spin-off series on AMC.

  Bob’s comedy scripts and short essays have appeared in the New Yorker, VICE, Filter, and elsewhere.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I’d like to thank Mike Sacks for coaxing me on, Dave Eggers for making it come to life, Andrew Leland and Dan McKinley for making it look sharp, and Sharon Alagna for taking my author photo. Miss Sally Pemberton’s introduction was graciously provided by Megan Amram. Cover and interior illustrations are by Tony Millionaire. Proud Gay Grampa comic was illustrated by Scott C. “Didn’t Work for Me,” “Portrait of the Artist,” “A Vision of the Future,” and “Where I Got These Abs” originally appeared in the New Yorker (or at newyorker.com) in slightly different form. Lastly, thanks to the Directors and Members of the LilyGuild NY Local 214, without whose support this work would not have been possible.