Of Breakable Things

by A. Lynden Rolland

  ***

  In the final few months of Alex’s life, it had been nearly impossible to distinguish reality from the illusions her mind created. This was the reason she started “cheeking” her pills at the Eskers. Yes, she longed to hear the whispers of Chase’s voice in her head, but how could she know that they were real? The pills they forced down her throat distorted her world into a gray Salvador Dali painting, and she didn’t want to forget the last time she’d seen Chase alive. That night, for certain, she knew had been real.

  It was all because of a dance. She’d been to many before. The dresses, the drama, the partying—this one changed everything. Chase had jumped out from the limo and walked toward Alex like Prince Charming himself. Too bad he wasn’t her date.

  “Jonas better stand next to you all night,” he advised.

  “Where is Jonas?” Alex asked, but when she slid into the car, she smelled the reek of alcohol right away.

  “There’s my pity date,” Jonas laughed. Alex was unsure of who the pity party was in this case. He’d asked her to go with him because he wanted to win back his ex-girlfriend, and he said Alex wouldn’t make her jealous. He opened his suit coat to reveal a flask. “Want some?”

  “No.”

  “I do!” Posey Freebelanger shimmied her way onto Chase’s lap. She’d bombarded him in the hallway after the word spread that Jonas was taking Alex to homecoming. Posey had pined for Chase for years, and when she jumped at the opportunity, Chase was far too polite to let her fall from cloud nine.

  “Hey, Posey,” Alex said through her teeth.

  “Our boys look nice, don’t they?” she said, taking a sip from the flask and scrunching her face. Her eyes filled with tears as though the alcohol was leaking right out of her.

  Our boys? Alex didn’t like to share them, and if Posey truly knew them, she would realize that their fancy get-ups wouldn’t last for long. As soon as Jonas and Chase sauntered through the front door past the teachers, jackets came off, ties were loosened, and sleeves were rolled up. The boys in the room stared enviously, and the girls reapplied their makeup, inadvertently inching closer to the Lasalles like water to the pull of the moon. They would wiggle their hips on the dance floor to push their way to the closest brother. Liv Frank was the only one candid enough to comment, giving each of the other girls a snotty onceover.

  “These girls look like they charge by the hour,” she said, loud enough for them to hear.

  The girl closest to Alex angrily pursed her crimson lips, which were as red as her dress, but before she could retaliate, Liv beat her to the punch. “Wait, that’s mean.” Liv gestured to the girl’s attire. “A prostitute wouldn’t even wear that.” The girl stalked off, and Liv grinned deviously. “You’re welcome, Al.”

  “For what? You didn’t get the girl away from my date.”

  “Of course not,” she said with a knowing glance. “I got her away from Chase. I was hoping she’d make a comment about my plus size dress so I could belly bop her off the dance floor.”

  The music slowed, and Chase extended his arm, pointing to Alex from across the circle. He grinned and made his way to her.

  She allowed herself to fall into him, and allowed herself to inhale the fresh scent of his crisp, white shirt. She closed her eyes and pretended for a moment that he was truly hers.

  “What are you thinking?” he asked.

  “You look handsome.”

  “Nothing compared to you. Every guy in this room is trying to sneak a peek at you.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  “Okay, don’t believe me. I feel like I should be blocking you right here.” He flattened his hands against her back, and Alex felt her body soften underneath him. “Or actually maybe here.” He lowered his hands. “Since that’s where everyone is looking anyway.”

  She smacked his arm. “Shut up. I look like a ten-year-old.”

  “You’ll never believe me, will you?”

  Alex decided to change the subject. “Where is Jonas?”

  “Taking shots in the bathroom with my date. He’d never get away with acting like this if Kaleb and Gabe were here.”

  Alex wondered whether to blame Chase’s chagrin on his date leaving him, of Jonas being responsible, or of Alex questioning Jonas’s whereabouts. Maybe all of the above. They swayed to the sappy music for a few moments before Alex pulled back to examine him, wondering if studying his face might reveal his true thoughts.

  He stared right back at her, and just when she thought he couldn’t be any more gorgeous, his attempt to be serious failed, and his smile illuminated the room like a burst of sunlight. “What did I ever do to be lucky enough to have you look at me like that?”

  Funny. She’d been thinking the same thing about him.

  “I can’t describe it.” He twirled her hair around his fingers. “Words wouldn’t do it justice. There usually aren’t words to describe you, Lex.”

  She marveled at the irony of this beautiful boy saying these things to her. “Why are you saying this now?”

  He spun her around effortlessly and then gently lifted her arms to place them back around his neck. “Because the feeling I get when I see you is kind of like riding on a rollercoaster. It’s just a small dip in my stomach, but the adrenaline is enough to make me wonder.”

  “Wonder?”

  “If I never really knew how to interpret you at all.”

  Then why don’t you love me? she wanted to scream.

  She didn’t get the chance, because their dates returned, stumbling into the crowd together, and Alex spent the rest of her evening trying to hide Jonas from the chaperones. Babysitting him was exhausting, and she was relieved when the dance finally ended.

  The limo took them home to meet up with Kaleb and Gabe, who had returned from college to watch their brothers play in the homecoming game. They planned to drive to the after-party across town. Alex had packed a change of clothes so she wouldn’t need to go into her house and tiptoe past her father. Good thing because Jonas decided to vomit all over her driveway.

  “At least he held it until you got home,” Gabe said. “The limo driver would have charged extra if he got it in the car, and Mom would have really loved that.”

  Chase eyed the clothes in Alex’s hand. “Go use my room.”

  “Don’t you need to change too?”

  “Yeah, but I’ll wait.”

  “You’ve seen me change before, Chase.”

  He swept his arm up and down. “Not when you were wearing that.”

  Alex crept into the house and up the stairs, hoping she wouldn’t wake up Danya and David. She figured if their son’s violent puking wasn’t enough to disturb them, she should be safe, but just in case, she didn’t shut the door all the way, knowing it sometimes jammed.

  Unlike his brothers’ rooms, which were shrines to their accomplishments, bedecked with trophies, titles, and crowns, Chase’s room was a shrine to everything he loved. His awards puddled in the corner, while his walls displayed team photos, family pictures, banners from pro sports games, and tickets from concerts. Alex allowed her eyes to linger on a photo of them on his desk. His arm was slung around her, and they smiled so widely that their noses scrunched and their eyes squinted shut. Neither of them had front teeth.

  She focused on the picture so intently, she didn’t notice Chase standing in the doorway until his soft voice startled her.

  “I wondered what was taking you so long,” he said, glancing over his shoulder to be sure his parents weren’t approaching.

  Liar, she thought while Chase stepped into the room. She’d barely been there for two minutes.

  Alex flicked her chin toward the window. “What’s going on out there?”

  “More like what’s going out.” He stuck out his tongue in disgust.

  “Serves him right. Do you want me to go change in the bathroom?”

  “Nah.” He shook his head, grabbing a pair of shorts from a basket of clean laundry. He reached down and began to unbutton his shirt.

&
nbsp; “Chase … ” she warned him.

  He laughed and finished changing. Alex waited for him to leave the room, but instead, he took a seat on his desk.

  “Here.” He motioned for her to spin around.

  Her stomach fluttered, but she did as she was told. She backed up against him, placing her hands gently on his knees, which were on either side of her. His breath tickled her neck and sent chills throughout her body. He touched her right shoulder and gently removed a strap, allowing his fingers to touch her skin longer than was necessary. He held up the right side of her dress and used the other hand to remove the remaining strap.

  “Now what?” Alex breathed.

  “Huh?”

  “Well, you’re holding up my dress, but my clothes are over there on your bed.”

  “You’re going to kill me,” he said in a hushed voice.

  Alex inadvertently lifted her arms at the same time he did, and her dress fell to the ground in a pretty blue heap. She heard Chase draw in his breath before she spun around. When she did, she was surprised to find that with all he could be staring at, his blue eyes were focused on her lips. Her head was spinning like a roulette wheel, and she wondered if they would finally take this gamble.

  He lifted one hand and brushed his fingers over her cheek. Then he lifted the other one and held her face in his hands gently. He bit his lower lip and leaned in towards her, only to press his forehead against hers and sigh in exasperation.

  She didn’t have the courage to look at him. She ran her palms up his shirt until they reached his neck. Wrapping her arms around him and holding the base of his head, she raked her fingers through the threads of his hair.

  When he first moved his hands down her back, his touch was so light that his fingertips barely grazed her shoulder blades, but when they ventured back up, he seemed to give in to it all. He pulled her even closer, touching the skin that electrified against him. He must have opened his eyes then, because she felt his eyelashes tickle her brow.

  She didn’t know what would have happened if a loud cough hadn’t erupted from outside the window. It was followed by a stomach-churning splat, so she determined the culprit was Jonas.

  “We’re going to be in trouble.” Chase hopped off his desk, walked over to his bed, and grabbed her shirt. “Put this on before you really do kill me,” he said, tossing it across the room.

  Alex nodded, still in a daze.

  As they walked outside, Alex dusted herself off, worried she still had Chase’s handprints all over her. Kaleb sat in his jeep, comically holding up his wrist to tap his watch. Posey was sitting shotgun, barely conscious, while Kaleb’s girlfriend Mackenzie tended to Jonas in the back seat.

  “Jonas is actually coming?” Chase marveled, opening the door to Gabe’s car.

  Gabe’s date reapplied her lipstick while Chase and Alex climbed into the back. Alex turned her head to the window, almost embarrassed. She felt Chase buckle her seatbelt for her, perhaps in a feeble effort to keep her on her side of the car. But in the end it was he who ventured toward her. Only a minute had passed before Chase undid his own seatbelt and slid next to her. She started to unbuckle hers, but he rested his hand over it. “No,” he whispered, “you stay safe.”

  He brushed his lips over the nape of her neck, her collarbone, and her jaw but never kissed her lips. The streetlamps whizzed by every few seconds, threatening to expose them, but Gabe was babbling on, either trying to make small talk or trying to ignore what was going on in the back of the car.

  When they arrived at the party, Alex guiltily ventured toward the jeep to find Jonas snoring, one arm draped over his eyes.

  Mackenzie had a look of disgust on her face. “He said he was done throwing up, but I’m not so sure. Technically, you’re his date, so you should be taking care of him.”

  Jonas groaned loudly, and Alex was reminded of all the horror stories on the news about kids who had passed out and choked on their vomit. “Maybe I should stay out here with him.”

  Chase turned to Gabe. “Give me the keys. I’ll take him home.”

  Gabe hesitated, eying his brother in silent reprimand.

  “Oh, come on,” Chase said. “You’re not going to make Alex sit out here and babysit him all night, are you?”

  Kaleb snickered. “You better hope Mom doesn’t wake up and look outside to see you driving.”

  “She won’t.”

  Gabe reached in his pocket and extracted the keys reluctantly. But when they attempted to move Jonas to the station wagon, he awoke. “I’m driving.”

  “Sure bro,” Chase said with a smirk. “Except in this car the steering wheel is on the right.” He shoved Jonas into the passenger seat and rolled down the windows to give him some air.

  When they turned onto the main road, Alex’s teeth began to chatter, so she curled up in the back seat.

  “Are you cold?” Chase asked, reaching to turn on the heat. “You need some color back in those cheeks. You look like a corpse.”

  His wording hit a little too close to home. Even he knew it. He winced like he’d stung himself.

  With each passing street light, Alex took the opportunity to stare at his reflection in the rearview mirror. If only that would help to reveal his thoughts. Shivering, she covered herself in Gabe’s jacket. “I read an article the other day. This woman in New York, she died at twenty-eight. Arterial rupture.”

  His eyes flashed angrily. “I told you to stop reading that crap. You could live to be older than me.”

  Unlikely. They both knew that.

  “About tonight … ”

  He shook his head. “Don’t do that.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t plan to move backwards. I’ve thought about this for a long time.” He glanced over at Jonas when he said it.

  “You know it isn’t a good idea.” She would die, and then where would he be?

  “I tried to say something to you once a long time ago,” he said. “The beginning of ninth grade. I wrote you a note in your Shakespeare book. I even wrote it in iambic pentameter. It was so lame now in hindsight. And embarrassing. I’m glad you didn’t read it.”

  “What did it say?”

  “What do you think it said?”

  “I don’t know. I never got the note.”

  “Of course not. You lent your book to Becca Blackman, and then I had to fight her off because she thought I wrote it for her.”

  “Then why did you date her?”

  “Because the day Becca walked up and asked me out, you stood there and said nothing. You smiled like you didn’t care.”

  “What was I supposed to do? Pull her hair?”

  Chase shook his head. “It wasn’t the right time anyway. I should have known better.”

  “Why do you always think you need to be so perfect?”

  Chase twisted the knob to the volume of the radio. “What, buddy?” he asked.

  Jonas stirred in the front seat. He turned to look at her, smiling. “Al-ex.”

  “Hey, Jo.”

  Jonas poked his brother’s cheek. “Isn’t she the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen in your life?”

  Chase’s hands were suddenly tight on the wheel. He gave one stiff nod of his head.

  Jonas flopped back against his seat. “Alex, will you marry me?” he said sappily and began to laugh hysterically. Then he was asleep again.

  The silence was brutal. “I’m sorry,” she heard Chase whisper, but she didn’t know if he was talking to her or to Jonas.

  That was the last time she saw any of them alive.

  Chase was to be escorted directly to Brigitta. Kaleb and Jonas bolted from the field without hesitation, and Gabe followed suit, shoving his books into his bag with the vigor of a shoplifter. The group remained uncommonly quiet while they rushed to the tower. Questions bubbled frantically in Alex’s mind, and she feared if she opened her mouth to unclog her voice those questions would boil over. They’d surely sear someone, probably Jonas.

  There was little relief back
at Brigitta. Chase was nowhere to be found, and after an hour of keeping a nervous vigil in the vestibule, Alex had had enough of the thumb-twiddling and nail-biting. She said goodnight to the boys and grudgingly began the dizzying ascent to the seventh floor. Strangely enough, the higher she climbed, the more at ease she felt.

  There was a big difference between walking toward something and walking away from something, and her intuition suggested the former.

  The door to her room was already open, waiting. The top of the frame dipped low as though the doorway itself was smiling. She immediately felt Chase and hurried inside, her heart racing. He stood on the balcony, leaning against the railing, and the boyishly handsome guilt that plagued his angelic face sent a throbbing ache through her damaged heart. She had witnessed the expression so many times before. It served as a reminder of every act of mischief in which they’d been caught, of every time she’d noticed him staring at her when he thought she wasn’t looking. It was a mere taste of the smorgasbord of things she’d missed, things she assumed she’d never have the privilege of seeing again.

  The intensity of it all was too much. Alex seemed to be moving in slow motion as she collapsed. Chase rushed forward, and whatever caught her—his presence, his energy, his projection—was strong enough to send volts of electricity through every part of her. It was equally jarring and riveting. Alex heard a loud pop followed by tiny clangs, and shards of glass rained down from the sconce above them. The light bulb had burst.

  Holding her close, Chase nuzzled into the nape of her neck which erupted in pleasant chills. Everything around them seemed to blur. It was only them, and death had never beleaguered them at all. She burned in bittersweet happiness, and for a second she waited for impossible tears, knowing they could never suffice the feelings she felt at this point anyway. She looked upward, mouthing a “thank you” for each time she had wished for this moment. He was here. She could see him. She could feel him.

  This one moment alone was worth her seat in Heaven.

  Chase finally let go with one arm and stared at her. She’d so often wondered lately what it would be like to touch him here in death, and for him to touch her. She worried it wouldn’t be the same. But it was better. Here she could feel the force of the emotion. A faint ribbon of smoke curled around them, the heat of their energy contrasting with the temperature of the room.