Larrikins, Bush Tales and Other Great Australian Stories

by Graham Seal

  Although now spoken by very few, rechtub klat was once a relatively well-developed language. Today its vocabulary is fairly restricted to types of meat—feeb for beef, bmal for lamb and gip for pig—and crude but admiring comments such as doog tsub (good bust) and doog esra (good arse), among other such constructions crafted as required. A few other slabs of butcher talk are kool, toh lrig (look, hot girl), gaf (fag, as in cigarette) and toor, meaning root, as in the Australian vulgarism for sexual intercourse.

  As well as commenting negatively on fussy customers and admiringly on young ladies, rechtub klat could be used to let the other butchers know that a particular cut had run out. So if there were ‘on steltuc ni eht pohs’ they should sell something different to any a customer who wanted ‘steltuc’. It was not unknown for butchers to have complete clandestine conversations among themselves, as featured in the Australian movie The Hard Word (2002), when the language was used by the bank-robbing main characters to securely communicate their secrets to each other.

  The garbos’ Christmas

  A characteristically Australian Christmas occupational tradition, now probably obsolete, involved the ‘garbos’. For many decades the garbage men were in the habit of leaving a Christmas message, often in verse, for their clients. The message would generally wish the household well for the coming year and was also designed as a reminder of the traditional garbos’ Christmas gift. This would be bottles or tins of beer left out along with the garbage bin on the last garbage day before the season began. Here are a couple of World War I examples of some Melbourne garbo greetings:

  YOUR

  SANITARY ATTENDANT

  WISHES YOU

  A Merry Christmas

  Awake, awake, all freeborn sons,

  Sound your voices loud and clear.

  Wishing all a Merry Christmas

  Likewise a glad New Year.

  While referring to the Sewerage Scheme

  As the greatest in the nation,

  Until completed, I hope you’ll give

  Us some consideration.

  The mission of our life just now,

  Is to cleanse and purify.

  We do our duty faithfully,

  Be the weather wet or dry.

  So while you’re spending Xmas

  In mirth and melody,

  And friends to friends some present give,

  Just spare a thought for me.

  A MERRY CHRISTMAS

  In recent years this custom seems to have dwindled, with only brief messages, if any, appearing. But even as late as 1983 it was possible to receive something like the following:

  CHRISTMAS GREETINGS FROM

  GARBO SQUAD

  (Garbologists to you)

  The year from us has gone,

  Now it’s time to think upon

  Our blessings great and small:

  May they continue for us all.

  Your health, we hope, like ours is fine.

  May 1984 be in similar line,

  And in the New Year, we pray,

  We’ll serve you truly every day.

  To you and yours joy we wish

  That Christmas be a full dish

  Of gladness, content and good health,

  And the New Year bring you wealth.

  Brian, Neville, Wayne

  A Christmas message

  Always a time for over-indulgence, Christmas at the OK Mine near Norseman, Western Australia, back in the roaring days was celebrated with enthusiasm, by some at least.

  It was Christmas Eve at O.K. in the days when the mine was in full swing and the local pub was the scene of a glorious general spree. In front of the building there lay many inches of thick red dust, also various stumps. On the following morning several booze-soaked individuals were slumbering in the layers of red powder after many hours of rolling and burrowing about. Waiting outside the pub for the breakfast bell to ring, the mine engineer was accosted by an aboriginal man named Jacky, who, after gazing thoughtfully for some time at the inebriated individuals sleeping in the dust, remarked, ‘My word boss, white Australia all right today, eh?’

  Total eclipse of communication

  A favourite theme of workplace humour is communication—its failure, its absence or its distortion. One example is the shrinking memo, and the message it tried, at first, to convey. This item begins with a memo from the top levels of authority to the next level down, let’s say from the managing director to the works director. The memo begins:

  Memo: Managing Director to Works Director

  Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at 9 o’clock. This is something that we cannot see happen every day, so allow the workforce to line up outside in their best clothes to watch it. To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence I will personally explain it to them. If it is raining we shall not be able to see it very well and in that case the workforce should assemble in the canteen.

  The next memo conveys this message down the line from the works director to the general works manager:

  By order of the Managing Director there will be a total eclipse of the sun at 9 o’clock tomorrow morning.

  If it is raining we shall not be able to see it very well on the site in our best clothes. In that case, the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is something that we cannot see happen every day.

  The general works manager then writes to the works manager an even briefer version of this rapidly disintegrating communication:

  By order of the General Manager we shall follow through, in our best clothes, the disappearance of the sun in the canteen at 9 o’clock tomorrow morning.

  The Managing Director will tell us whether it is going to rain. This is something which we cannot see every day.

  In turn, the works manager passes this on to the foreman in another memo:

  If it is raining in the canteen tomorrow morning, which is something we cannot see happening every day, our Managing Director in his best clothes, will disappear at 9 o’clock.

  Finally, the foreman posts the message, or at least a ludicrous version of it, on the shop floor noticeboard. It reads:

  Tomorrow morning at 9 o’clock our Managing Director will disappear. It is a pity that we cannot see this happen every day.

  The laws of working life

  Whatever can go wrong will go wrong. That’s Murphy’s Law. Even if you haven’t heard of this universal truth, you’ll be familiar with the general principle and the fact that whatever does go wrong at work will be at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way.

  Things go wrong for us so often and with such devastating results that Murphy’s Law alone cannot predict all the consequences of human error and disaster. There is a worryingly large number of similar laws, corollaries, axioms and the like, providing advice hard-won from bitter experience. You know the sort of thing. If you drop a slice of buttered bread it will unfailingly land butter-side down. And what about the curious fact that everything always seems to cost more than you happen to have in your pocket or bank account? Or, when you try to take out a loan you have to prove that you don’t really need it? Here are some further helpful hints:

  • The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.

  • Left to themselves, things will always go from bad to worse.

  • If it is possible that several things will go wrong, the one that does go wrong will do the most damage.

  • Any error in any calculation will be in the area of most harm.

  • A short cut is the longest distance between two points.

  • Work expands to fill the time available.

  • Mess expands to fill the space available.

  • If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.

  • The most important points in any communication will be those first forgotten.

  • Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.

  • Nothing is as sim
ple as it seems.

  • Everything takes longer than expected.

  • Nothing ever quite works out.

  • It’s easier to get into a thing than to get out of it.

  • When all else fails, read the instructions.

  Reading these little difficulties and dilemmas of work life suggests that none of us should bother getting out of bed in the morning. But of course, not everything in life goes wrong; sometimes you can have really great days when the sun shines, the birds sing and you feel on top of the world.

  But next time you are having a day like this, just remind yourself of the last law of working life:

  • If everything seems to be going well, you probably don’t know what is going on.

  Somebody else’s job

  Once upon a time there were four people, named

  Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

  Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

  Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.

  Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody didn’t do it.

  It ended with Everybody blaming Somebody, when really, Nobody could accuse Anybody.

  The basic work survival guide

  This is an old favourite in Australian workplaces:

  The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the company.

  No project ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

  A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

  The first myth of management is that it exists at all.

  A failure will not appear until a new product has passed its final inspection.

  New systems will generate new problems.

  Nothing motivates a worker more than seeing the boss put in an honest day’s work.

  After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

  The friendlier the client’s secretary, the greater the chance that the competition has already secured the order.

  Work expands to fill the time available.

  In any organisation the degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

  The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.

  No matter what stage of completion the project reaches, the cost of the remainder of the project remains the same.

  Most jobs are marginally better than daytime TV.

  Twelve things you’ll never hear an employee tell the boss

  Wishful thinking is nothing new, as this list of helpful suggestions suggests:

  1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5.00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

  2. If it’s really a ‘rush job’, run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it’s going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

  3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

  4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.

  5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

  6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

  7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

  8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

  9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

  10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

  11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

  12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.

  Excessive absence

  One of the great classics of workplace humour, this was old when it was kicking round the old Post Master General’s department in the late 1960s. Versions can still be found on the internet.

  Internal Memo # 125

  RE: EXCESSIVE ABSENCE TO ALL PERSONNEL.

  Due to the excessive number of absences during the past year it has become necessary to put the following new rules into operation immediately.

  SICKNESS No excuse. The Management will no longer accept your Doctor’s Certificate as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to your doctor you are able to attend work.

  DEATH (YOUR OWN) This will be accepted as an excuse. We would like two weeks’ notice, however, since we feel it is your duty to train someone else for your job.

  DEATH (OTHER THAN YOUR OWN) This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them and henceforth no time will be allowed off for funerals. However, in case it should cause some hardship to some of our employees, please note that on your behalf the Management has a special scheme in conjunction with the local council for lunchtime burials, thus ensuring that no time is lost from work.

  LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION We wish to discourage any thoughts you may have of needing an operation and henceforth no leave of absence will be granted for hospital visits. The Management believes that as long as you are an employee here you will need what you already have and should not consider having any of it removed. We engaged you for your particular job with all your parts and having anything removed would mean that we would be getting less of you than we bargained for.

  VISITS TO THE TOILETS Far too much time is spent on the practice. In future the procedure will be that all personnel shall go in alphabetical order. For example: those with the surname being ‘A’ will go from 9.30 to 9.45; ‘B’ will go from 9.45 to 10.00. Those of you who are unable to attend at your appropriate time will have to wait until the next day when your turn comes up.

  Have a nice day.

  THE MANAGEMENT

  Running naked with the bulls

  Australians like to celebrate and enjoy themselves. No surprise there. But we seem to have a particular affinity for activities that are a bit off the wall and seem to take a perverse delight in parodying pretty well everything. The Darwin Beer Can Regatta is a light-hearted make-do event involving vessels made of empty beer cans. The Henley-on-Todd Regatta in Alice Springs features homemade craft racing along the dry bed of the Todd River. Cockroach Races were established as a regular event at Kangaroo Point, Brisbane on Australia Day 1982. In a similar spirit, they like to do things a little differently in Weipa.

  Beginning in 1993 and intended to mark the first rain of the wet season, the locals invented a new tradition for themselves. They called it ‘Running Naked with the Bulls’. Why? Because that’s exactly what they did. The first event involved 150 local miners streaking nude along a two-kilometre course at 2 a.m. Other than their joggers, the miners carried only a plastic shopping bag for donations to the Royal Flying Doctor Service.

  After that, things settled down, more or less, though the running has had what they call ‘a chequered history’. The event rapidly established itself on the local calendar and became an international event as well. In 1998, it was believed to have set a record for the highest number of naked people ever to be interviewed; the ABC conducted the interviews from a telephone box along the course as the runners jogged past. Not wanting to appear sexist, the organisers also allowed women to run naked with the bulls in 1999.

  Sadly, the event was closed down in 2001 due to complaints about indecency. There has been recent pressure to revive it, though, as Weipa is in need of the tourist income the event attracted. Local police are said to oppose its reintroduction. The future of the Running Naked with the Bulls remains uncertain at the time of writ
ing.

  But even when a local custom like this does spring up spontaneously, the commercial world is quick off the mark. A local resident and participant was heard on ABC Radio National back in November 1998, telling of the difficulties the event had encountered with sponsorship. It was not that the locals were against sponsorship for their start of the wet-season celebration; it was just that some sponsors were inappropriate. A large brothel chain wished to sponsor the event but the participants had to decline, not because there was a moral problem, but because the brothel wanted the runners to wear a T-shirt advertising their business. Reluctantly, the runners could not oblige.

  Doing business

  One of Australia’s prominent businessmen was the founder of the airline he characteristically named after himself. Reg Ansett was very much the self-made man. Leaving school at fourteen, he worked as an axeman in the Northern Territory to earn enough to buy a Studebaker to start a road-transport company. This allowed him to buy a Gypsy Moth aeroplane and in 1938, aged just 28, he started Ansett Airways. He continued to display his legendary stubbornness and business acumen through the rest of his life, branching into car hire and other mostly successful businesses. He was a colourful character with a considerable public profile in his day, eventually being knighted for his achievements.