One Year Home

by Marie Force

  Hell, who am I kidding? Breathing makes me cranky since I lost Ava. Every day I have to remind myself that I have no choice but to go on because the alternative would ruin her. And I won’t do that to her.

  “Here’s my concern,” Julianne says. “You can’t go on these shows and say nothing.”

  “I told you. I’m limited as to what I can talk about.”

  “Fair enough. The mission itself is off-limits, but you can certainly talk about the emotional elements of what you’ve endured.”

  I roll my eyes. “Seriously?”

  “Yes! People are interested in what you’ve been through.” She flips through her notebook. “You lost two friends in the raid, right?”

  I grit my teeth to keep from snapping at her. “Yes.”

  “Can you talk about them?”

  “You want me to use my dead friends to juice ratings?”

  “No, I want you to tell a story that people want to hear.”

  “I’m not using them that way.”

  “Rather than thinking of it as using them, how about using your platform to bring awareness to their sacrifice?”

  The thought of talking about Jonesy or Tito makes me feel sick. I’m still trying to wrap my head around losing the two men who were like brothers to me after all the years we spent training, preparing and deploying together. As close as I was to them, even they didn’t know about Ava. No one knew about her. If my command had learned I had a serious girlfriend, I could’ve faced severe disciplinary action, so I went to enormous lengths to keep her far, far away from my military life.

  I now realize the enormous disservice I did to her by keeping her isolated. After I deployed, she had no support or information. I was sick with guilt leaving her, knowing I’d be gone indefinitely and she’d have questions that no one would be able to answer.

  “What’re you thinking?” Julianne asks, jarring me from my thoughts.

  “I’m thinking about Ava.”

  My confession makes her uncomfortable, but to her credit, she says, “What about her?”

  “I did a terrible thing to her. I think about that every minute of every day.” As soon as the words are out, I regret revealing so much to someone I’ve only just met, but when it comes to Ava, I never have been able to control myself.

  “Why did you?”

  “I loved her. She loved me.” I can’t tell her that Ava was the first person who ever truly loved me, that I was powerless to walk away from a feeling I’d never experienced before. “I blame myself for everything that happened. I wasn’t honest with her, and it kills me to know what I put her through.” What is it about this woman that has me speaking so freely?

  Muncie stares at me, seeming as surprised as I am by my verbal diarrhea.

  “You’ve both been through a lot. Do you have someone helping you?”

  “He has a referral to a PTSD therapist, but he’s yet to make the call,” Muncie says, earning a glare from me.

  “I don’t have PTSD. I have a broken heart.” The sympathetic look Julianne gives me makes me angry. “Are we done here?”

  “We can be.”

  “Good.” I want to get the hell away from her and her sympathy, but like everything these days, it takes a good five minutes to haul myself up, find my balance, position the crutches and get myself out of the room. I go into the adjoining bedroom, close the door and sit on the bed, exhausted from the small effort it takes to go from one room to another.

  The physical therapists tell me I’ll be back to fighting form in no time, whatever that means. They assure me that the daily torture hour on the treadmill will get me there sooner, which is the only reason I put myself through it. If I’m forced to continue to walk this earth, I’m determined to do it without the crutches I’ve come to despise.

  I told Julianne I can handle the press tour, because I want to do it and get it over with. But after thirty minutes in her presence, I’m concerned about whether I’ll have the stamina to keep up with her.

  * * *

  JULIANNE

  “Don’t be offended,” Muncie says after John leaves the room. “That was him being nice.”

  “I’m not offended.”

  “Well, I’m offended for you. He’s not the easiest guy to be around.”

  “It’s okay. I understand that he’s been through hell, and he’s still processing everything that happened in the raid and with Ava.”

  “You seem like a nice person, Julianne.”

  “Oh. Thanks. I try to be.”

  “I’d hate to see him drag you down. You’re not obligated to take this on if you don’t want to. We’ll find someone to handle him. I realize it’s a difficult spot you’re in with your brother married to Ava.”

  “It’s not the best set of circumstances to begin a new professional relationship. I’ll give you that. However, I feel like I can make this easier for him, and I’d like to have the opportunity to try.” I don’t mention that landing Captain West as a client has put me on the fast track for partnership in my firm. They don’t need to know that. “And why wouldn’t I do that after all he’s given our country?”

  “It’s your funeral,” Muncie says, his lips curving into a smile. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  “I appreciate your candor, Commander Muncie, but I’m quite accustomed to dealing with difficult clients.”

  He snorts out a laugh. “There’s difficult, and then there’s him.”

  “Why are you working with him if you dislike him so much?”

  Muncie seems startled by the question. “I don’t dislike him at all.” He pauses. “No, wait, that’s not true. Sometimes I actually dislike him, such as when he’s rude to someone who’s trying to help him.” He gestures toward me to make his point. “That annoys me. But overall? Working for and with him has been the greatest honor of my career. What he and the others did bringing down Al Khad? It’s nothing short of extraordinary.”

  “I couldn’t agree more, and I’m looking forward to the challenge of working with him. He’s got an important story to tell, and I want to help him tell it in the best way possible.”

  “You should know that he’s only doing this because the Navy is making him go through the dog-and-pony show before they’ll let him retire. Recruitment numbers have been way up since Al Khad’s camp released that video, and they want to ride that wave for as long as they can.”

  For some reason, that angers me. “So they’re basically using someone who has already sacrificed so much.”

  “It’s not that so much as they see an opportunity.”

  “I still think it’s somewhat unconscionable that they would force him to do something he doesn’t want to do before they’ll let him retire.”

  “This whole thing has become bigger than the Navy, bigger than him. We can’t go anywhere without people wanting to stop him and thank him and talk to him. That’s going to happen whether he does the publicity circuit or not. So the way they see it, they may as well benefit from it.”

  “I’ll do my best to make it as painless as possible for him.”

  “What’s the next step?”

  “Tomorrow, I want to spend some time with him going over the questions he’s likely to be asked and preparing his replies.”

  “He’s gonna love that.”

  “I assume he’d rather be prepared than blindsided, but if I’m wrong about that, feel free to let me know.”

  “You’re not wrong, but he’s not going to be easily coached.”

  “Believe it or not, I’m not surprised to hear that.”

  Muncie laughs. “You’ve got backbone, Ms. Tilden. I’ll give you that.”

  I put my notebook, cell phone and John’s phone into my oversized purse and prepare to leave. “Call me Julianne. And I’m the youngest of four, Commander Muncie. My three older siblings are triplets. I had to develop backbone early to deal with them.”

  “Wow, that’s cool. And I’m David or Dave.”

  “It’s much better now than it was whe
n we were kids and they were constantly ganging up on me.” I add a smile so he knows it wasn’t as bad as I make it sound. “Now they’re my closest friends.”

  “Nice how that happens, huh?”

  “Definitely. Well, I guess I’ll check in tomorrow and set up a time to do some work.”

  “Sounds good.”

  “I’ve never been here before. Any suggestions of what I could do with the rest of my day?”

  “You’ll want to check out the Hotel del Coronado and the beach there, as well as Balboa Park or the famous San Diego Zoo.”

  I crinkle my nose. “Zoos make me sad. I can’t bear to see the animals in captivity.”

  “So I guess Sea World is out, then, too?”

  “You guess correctly.”

  “Mission Beach and Belmont Park are fun, and there’s a great boardwalk behind your hotel with lots of restaurants and shops. Make sure you have some Mexican food while you’re here, if you like that. It’s the best.”

  “I love it. I’ll check it out. Thanks for the suggestions.”

  “No problem. Feel free to text if you want some recommendations of where to eat.”

  “I’ll do that.”

  He walks me to the door. “Thanks again for coming out and taking him on.”

  “No problem.”

  “You say that now…”

  “It’s all good, Dave. I’ll touch base in the morning.”

  As I walk to the elevator, I summon an Uber to take me back to my hotel. My mind races with thoughts about the meeting with John and the work I need to do to prepare him to face the media. Like I told Dave, I’ve had reluctant clients before, but no one quite like him.

  I’m in the Uber when my phone rings. I take the call from my sister, Amy. “Hey.”

  “Is this a good time?”

  “Yep. I’m on the way back to my hotel.”

  “So you met him?”

  “I did.”

  “What’s he like?”

  “That’s a complicated question.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He had a lot of questions about Ava and Eric.”

  “No way.”

  “Yes way.”

  “What did you say?”

  “I told him they’re happy together.”

  “Whoa, what a spot to be in. He came right out and asked you?”

  “He sort of grilled me, if I’m being honest.”

  “Oh my God. Eric would freak if he knew that.”

  “Which is why we’re not going to tell him, Amy. You hear me? He’s my client. I shouldn’t even be talking to you about this.”

  “Yes, you should, and I’d never repeat it. Don’t worry. So what’s the plan?”

  “I’m going to book him a media tour in New York and LA and try to get him through it without him killing me or the reporters.”

  “Is he really that menacing?”

  “Ah, yeah, kinda.”

  “Jules! You don’t have to do this! If the guy scares you, beg off.”

  “There’s no way I’m begging off. Landing him as a client is the coup of the century, and he doesn’t scare me. He’s just kind of intimidating. That’s all.”

  “Does he look as good in person as he does in pictures?”

  “Um, better?”

  “Wow,” Amy says on a long exhale. “That’s hard to believe. I hope I get to meet him while you’re in New York.”

  “We’ll see how it goes. He’s not exactly what I’d call sociable.”

  “Still, I’d kill to meet him. When are you coming back to New York?”

  “Probably toward the end of next week.”

  “Oh good. It’s boring here with you away, Ava and Eric on their honeymoon and Rob and Camille off campaigning.”

  Our brother Rob is running for Congress, and Eric and Amy will be managing the campaign when Eric returns from his honeymoon. It’s going to be a busy fall for our family. “Call some of your friends. It’s a good chance to see them.”

  “I guess.”

  “Why do you sound so down?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve been out of sorts lately.”

  “Why don’t you come out here and hang with me? I’ve got a huge hotel room, and there’s an awesome pool. We could play tourist when I’m not working. Come, Amy! That would be so awesome!”

  “It does sound fun.”

  “I’m booking you a flight.”

  “Wait! Let me make sure I can get the time off.” She’s an accountant with one of the big CPA firms in the city. “I’ll let you know.”

  “Hurry up about it. I need you here.”

  “I’ll call you back.”

  The line goes dead, but I’m filled with excitement about the possibility of her joining me in San Diego. Dealing with Captain Cranky won’t seem so awful if Amy is here to entertain me between work commitments. Did I really just think of America’s biggest hero as Captain Cranky? I laugh softly to myself, causing the Uber driver to give me an odd look in the mirror.

  “Funny meme,” I tell him, as if he cares.

  He doesn’t.

  If any of my siblings were here, they’d ask me why I felt the need to tell him what I was laughing at. I don’t know why! That’s just how I am. I talk to people. I’m nice to people. If that makes me weird, then so be it.

  Back at the hotel, I decide to go sit by the pool for a while. If Amy is coming, I’d rather do the touristy things with her than by myself. Besides, after the morning I had, I could use a little relaxation. I put on a navy-blue bikini with white piping that’s one of my favorites, along with a coverup and large straw hat. I toss sunscreen, a magazine, my notebook, iPad, my personal cell phone and the work phone I’m required to have with me at all times into a tote bag, put on flip-flops and head out into the eighty-five-degree Southern California day.

  In the elevator, a little girl and her mom say hello to me.

  “I love your dress,” I tell the girl.

  “Thank you,” she says. “Your hat is pretty.”

  “Thanks. Are you going to the beach?”

  The girl shakes her head. “The zoo. I’m so excited to see the giraffes.”

  “Ohhh, enjoy that. Tell them I said hi.”

  She giggles at that, and her mom smiles at me. I wonder if she thinks I’m weird, too.

  The pool is all but deserted, probably because it’s really hot. I had a chat with the bartender last night while I was eating dinner, and he said it’s been unusually hot this summer. I must be extra weird because it can never be too hot for me as someone who’s always cold. I suffer in the frigid AC during the summer, and I suffer even more during the New York winters.

  I could get used to the Southern California climate. For one thing, I absolutely adore palm trees. They say “vacation” to me, so I try to imagine what it would be like to live in a place with palm trees. Would I feel like I was on vacation every day? I wonder…

  Deep Thoughts by Julianne Tilden. Maybe my siblings are right and I am a weirdo.

  Alone on my lounge with no one around, I have nothing to do for the rest of the day but catch up on work emails and write up some notes about today’s meeting along with potential practice questions for the captain.

  I allow my thoughts to wander.

  I can’t stop thinking about the questions he asked me about Ava or the heartbreak in his ethereal blue eyes when he asked. And yes, I really did describe his eyes as ethereal. There’s something otherworldly about them. I’ve never seen that shade on any other human being. I try to imagine Ava as a twenty-one-year-old college senior encountering those eyes in a dingy bar off base and being forever changed.

  If I’d met him under different circumstances, I probably would’ve been similarly affected by him. But under these circumstances, I’m not allowed to have anything but professional thoughts about him, even as the “fixer” in me wants to do everything in my power to help him put his life back together.

  “That’s not your job, Julianne.” I mimic my mother’s frosti
est, most patrician tone, scolding myself the same way she would if she were privy to the thoughts I’m having about my new client, who also happens to be my new sister-in-law’s long-lost ex-boyfriend.

  Although my mom has lost all credibility with us since she took up with the tennis pro at her club and left my dad last summer. Talk about a cliché and a hypocrite. She brought up the four of us with constant lectures about respect, honor and truthfulness, and then she stages a dramatic exit from her marriage—and her family—by bringing that guy to a family gathering?

  All these months later, I still can’t believe she actually did such a thing.

  But I refuse to revisit that rabbit hole. It’s taken me a long time to wrap my head around the whole thing. I’ve seen her only twice since then, once by mistake at Bloomingdale’s and once on purpose when she asked if she could come by my apartment to “talk.” I’m such a fool for allowing her into my home to try to “explain” herself. I lasted thirty minutes before I asked her to stop talking and leave my home.

  That’s thirty minutes more than any of my siblings have given her since “The Stunt,” as we call it. Just thinking about that day makes me sick, so I try not to.

  Is thinking about that better than thinking about how incredibly hot Ava’s ex is?

  I’m not sure which is worse, actually.

  My ringing cell phone saves me from further thought on the matter. I take the call from Amy. “What’s the verdict?”

  “Good to go! I’ll be there tomorrow afternoon. I bought a one-way ticket until we know how long we’re staying.”

  “This is awesome! I’m so glad you’re coming.”

  “Me, too, Jules. Thanks for inviting me. I really need this.”

  “We’ll have a blast. Send me your itinerary, and I’ll meet you at the airport.”

  “Don’t worry about meeting me. I’ll just come to the hotel.”

  “That works. I’ll leave a key for you at the desk in case I’m out when you get here.”