Every One Of Me

by Jessica Wilde

  She threw both arms in the air and turned back into the kitchen. "Some stupid sedative or something that the doctor told her to take."

  I rushed in after her so I could ask the questions racing through my head. "What sedative? I thought she wasn't going to take anything. You told me she was determined not to. Didn't want to be out of it all the time. Are you telling me she changed her mind?"

  "No, Charlie. Apparently there was some kind of incident at her appointment yesterday and the doctor wanted to anticipate it happening again." She was tossing around the dishes in the sink and I was just waiting for something to shatter. "She said something about making sure that she doesn't hurt herself or anyone else. Why would she be worried about that, Charlie? Has she hurt someone before? Did she tell you anything like that?"

  My stomach was twisting around violently and my chest felt like it was in a vice, "No, Sarah. She didn't say anything like that. She hasn't really told me much."

  I remembered, though.

  I remembered when she had hurt someone else even though it wasn't a big deal. I remembered how hard it had been to hold onto her and calm her down. I also remembered how scared she had been afterward without even realizing what had happened.

  I knew all of this because it was me she had hurt. It was an accident, but I came out of it with the worst black eye I had ever gotten. I never told anyone about it because I knew Sarah would end up taking her back to a therapist and Tess would fight it. So I had kept my mouth shut.

  "I tried to wake her up a couple hours ago, but she didn't move," Sarah said. "Maybe you could try. I don't know what to do. I can't just let her sleep. Can I? I don't know how long it's supposed to affect her." She was starting to panic.

  I put my hands on her shoulders, "Shhh, Sarah. You need to calm down, okay?" She took a few deep breaths and nodded. "Those doctors know what they are doing and Tess is too logical to do something stupid. I'll go see if I can wake her up, okay?"

  "Okay, thank you." She turned back to the dishes and started scrubbing, shoulders stiff from worry but accepting my offer with full trust. I was grateful she trusted me so much, but it put the pressure on me to make sure I didn't let her down.

  I made my way up the stairs and had to take some deep breaths myself. It wasn't like Tess to take something so strong for no reason. I had to keep reminding myself that she was more familiar with what was going on than the rest of us and was the only one with… with…

  My thoughts trailed off when I opened her door and saw her lying in the middle of her bed, sheets tangled in her long legs and hair spread out over her pillow. The way I wanted to see her in my bed. She looked so peaceful and content, I didn't have the heart to even try to wake her up. Maybe it was better that she slept like this for a little longer. She had been so tired lately, according to Trevor, and it was nice to see her face without a trace of worry or stress.

  I walked further into her room, which hadn't been changed at all since she had left 5 years ago. I had spent so many nights in that bed wondering where she was and if she was happy. Sarah had needed someone to chase away the silence of an empty house, so I had stayed over frequently. It was hard not to when the closest I could get to Tess was this room.

  I started to pull the covers over her body, forcing my eyes away from her legs, when I saw the bruises. In the middle of each forearm was a clear outline of fingers, dark and purple. I felt an anger that I hadn't ever experienced before and I the urge to shake her awake and demand to know who hurt her so I could strangle him to death was almost too overwhelming. I sat down on the bed next to her hip and lifted her arm to study it more closely. I hadn't been wrong. It was the outline of fingers and from the size, it had been a man who made these marks. My temper flared hotter at the confirmation and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.

  "I'm gonna kill him," I growled. I had no idea who it was, but I was going to kill him.

  Tess stirred and rolled toward me. I couldn't let her sleep any longer, I needed answers.

  "Tess, wake up." I put my hand on her shoulder and shook her lightly.

  She groaned and tried to turn away, but I shook her a little harder and spoke louder, "Tess, you need to wake up, now."

  Her eyes fluttered open and for a moment, she looked incredibly happy to see me which, under normal circumstances, would have caused me to kiss her senseless, but not now. She blinked a few times and her expression morphed into anger. I didn't care. I was already livid.

  "You mind telling me where these came from?" I lifted her arm and pointed to the bruises.

  She ripped her arm out of my hand and sat up with her back against the headboard still trying to wake up. "What the hell are you doing in my room?" Her voice was hoarse and groggy, so incredibly sexy that I almost forgot what I was so upset about.

  "Your mother was worried that you were sleeping too long," I replied steadily.

  "So you thought it was okay to barge into my room and shake me awake? Did she not explain to you why I was sleeping in the first place?" Her eyes were wide with annoyance and her chest was rising and falling heavily with the rapid breaths she was taking to calm herself.

  I don't think she realized that her shirt had ridden up a little and the soft skin above her shorts was in full view. I glanced down for a moment and not so successfully stifled a groan before my eyes returned to hers. I hoped the heat I could feel in my gaze was mistaken for anger instead of the stifling desire I felt for her.

  "She did, it's Friday now, Tess. I wasn't going to wake you up once I saw you. But I noticed the bruises on your arms and thought it would be a good idea to let you explain. Obviously, your mother doesn't know about them or she would have told me." I crossed my arms over my chest and glared right back at her. Barely. I really wanted to kiss her.

  She huffed and started to climb out of the bed. Her leg brushed mine and I held myself steady when the current of electricity buzzed up and down my leg. "It's none of your business, Charlie. I don't have to explain anything to you."

  "It becomes my business if someone hurts you!" I shouted.

  She pulled on a sweater and started for the door. I was more than livid now, if that was even possible. I couldn't control the tightness in my chest and the thought of someone hurting her felt like I had been punched in the stomach with no hope of ever getting another breath. I watched her stop in the doorway and turn back to see that I wasn't following her.

  "You need to leave my room, now," she said in a low voice.

  I looked down at my hands before lifting them to my head and running my fingers roughly through my hair. My shoulders felt stiff and my entire body was clenched tight. I took a slow and steady breath, still aware of her eyes on me and still feeling the lasers I knew she was trying to shoot into my skull. My blood cooled to a simmer and I felt the anger seep away as I focused on what my ultimate goal was. I didn't want to give her a reason to push me away.

  "Tess, please," I whispered. I couldn't risk her hearing the anger I knew still lingered in my voice. It would only make her more guarded and I couldn't lose any of the ground I had gained over the last week.

  She didn't say anything, but her posture relaxed slightly and her face softened.

  "I can't stand the thought of someone hurting you." I looked at her arms now covered in a sweater, but all I could see was the hand print I knew was there. "Please. Tell me those aren't… if someone did that out of… just tell me." I was stuttering and felt like I was going to explode from the helplessness coursing through me. I hadn't protected her before and I made a promise to myself that I would make up for it. I needed that.

  She sighed and looked down at her feet. I kept my eyes on her, pleading over and over inside my head for her to just trust me.

  She walked back to the bed and sat down next to me with her head in her hands. "It wasn't intentional, Charlie. It wasn't someone trying to hurt me." Her voice was small and full of sadness, pain, and confusion.

  "Then, how?" I carefully picked up her arm a
nd pushed up the sleeve of her sweater to reveal the purple marks. I ran my fingers over them lightly and welcomed the familiar hum I always felt when I touched her skin. She didn't pull away or flinch as I touched her and I realized that in some way, she did trust me.

  "It was during my session. The doctor had to have these guys, who I'm assuming were nurses or something, help hold me down. I guess I was fighting pretty hard." She let me hold her arm in my hands for a little longer before pushing her sleeve down and moving it into her lap. "Mom would freak out more than she already has, Charlie. She is pretending to be unaffected by all this, but I know she is having a hard time. This would push her over the edge and I can't let that happen."

  "She is worried about you, Tess. We all are. We are all trying to understand."

  "I know." She fidgeted with the buttons on her sweater and looked ready to cry, but she was trying so hard to hold it back.

  The sound of footsteps in the hall made both of us snap our heads toward the door. We looked back at each other at the same time and her eyes were pleading with me to keep quiet. Before I could give her any indication of what I had decided, Sarah walked into the room.

  "What is going on up here? It's about time you woke up, Theresa! You scared the hell out of me. I don't think you should take those pills again." She was back to panicking and looked at me for support.

  I had to get out of there before I pissed them both off all over again.

  "She's just fine, Sarah. Woke up without any problems. We were just discussing a few things before I had to leave." I stood quickly and made my way to the door. "I've got a few things to do today."

  "You're coming back for dinner, right?" she asked desperately. Before I could respond, she started to panic. "Don't you dare think you can get out of it. Tessa and I are going to need all the help we can get with Ellie being here."

  "I'll be here, Sarah. I promise." I looked over at Tess one last time and then turned to leave.

  "Charlie?"

  I stopped and turned back to that sweet voice, hopeful. When I met her eyes, they were happy and grateful. Her smile, however, was sad and I knew she was cursing herself for being so cold, but she hadn't done anything wrong. "Yeah, Tess?"

  "Thank you," she said softly.

  I just nodded, too afraid that my voice would betray the emotion I was fighting desperately to control. Sarah looked confused, but I didn't stay long enough to find out if she asked any questions. I almost ran to my car and by the time I pulled out onto the road, my heart had slowed down enough to dull the pulse that had clouded my head. I couldn't go another day without telling her.

  She deserved to know. I needed her to know. I just didn't know how she would take it.

  ***

  My head was in the clouds again. Rob, my coach, kept yelling at the top of his lungs for me to keep my hands up. He hadn't done that since my first week in training. It just wasn't in me today. I couldn't stop thinking about the bruises on Tessa's arms and my concentration was toast.

  I had called them both to meet me at the gym after I left the house. I told them I needed to let off some steam. They kept telling me I just needed to get laid, which made me think of Tess all over again.

  After two hours of hearing nothing but complaints about my stance, my jabs, and the lack of energy behind my kicks, I threw up my hands and told them I was done. Trevor kept smirking at me and it took everything I had not to punch it off his face.

  "See you at dinner," he yelled from the door.

  I didn't respond and dropped down onto the bench in the locker room to unwrap my hands. I had a fight two weeks from today and if you had asked me two days ago if I was ready for it, I wouldn't have hesitated in saying yes.

  Now?

  Not so much.

  If I had to fight the guy right now, I would end up a bloody mess lying in the corner and hugging my knees.

  I climbed into the shower and started scrubbing the stickiness of my sweat off of my body. I imagined seeing the guy who had made those marks on Tessa's arms and immediately saw red and felt my muscles twitch. Guess I would just have to use that at the fight.

  The hot water ran over my back and I took some calming breaths to try to relax. I saw Tess lying in her bed with her long dark hair flared out behind her. I imagined running my hand through it and feeling the softness between my fingers. Her hair had always been so soft and silky for as long as I could remember. The only times I ever really got to touch it was whenever we were watching a movie and she laid her head in my lap while I combed my fingers through it or when she was crying in my arms over some jerk who broke her heart. Needless to say, we watched a lot of movies together. But I couldn't do anything more than touch her hair. We were friends and nothing more.

  Didn't stop me from hoping.

  Before long, steam had blanketed the room and I was in the middle of a fantasy I had played out hundreds of times before.

  Tess would open her eyes and roll toward me with a smile and I would lightly stroke her face. I imagined her closing her eyes while I ran my fingers over her full lips and she darted her tongue out to taste me. I would drop my head and brush my lips against hers until she gasped and reached out to pull me closer. That's when I would run my hand down her side, grazing my thumb over the side of her breast before continuing down to grasp her hip and pull her into me. She would open for me and let me run my tongue against hers slowly until she couldn't take it anymore and her kisses got hungrier and she pressed her body against mine, feeling how much I wanted her and moaning because she wanted me just as much.

  I opened my eyes and looked down. "Damn it all!"

  For the millionth time since Tess got home, I had a problem to take care of. It didn't take long since I played out the rest of my fantasy that I had perfected in my imagination over the years. Normally, I would feel a little disappointed in myself for letting my mind go that far. This time, I wanted to bang my head against the shower wall because I knew, without a doubt, seeing her tonight would make it that much worse.

  I shut the water off and quickly dried off. Tonight would decide my fate. If she rejected me, I would pack up and leave, find a new town, a new coach, a new friend. Maybe even get a dog to keep me company. I would have to because there was no other way I could be around Tess without self destructing.

  I dressed in the dark jeans I knew she liked and a black t-shirt and prepared myself to live without Tessa Marshall so I wouldn't have to pick all the pieces up later. I would never fall out of love with her, but I would have to learn to cope.

  "I'm so fucked."

  Chapter 8

  Tessa

  I went for a walk after Charlie left and Mom disappeared into the attic. I hadn't expected Charlie to not say anything. In fact, I thought for sure he would have. He always did the right thing even when we were kids. I should have told Mom what had really happened at my appointment, but I didn't want to risk her being even more stressed out about what she still didn't understand. It only stressed me out more and we were trying to lessen my amount of stress, right? Well, that's what I kept telling myself to chase away the guilt. She was going to find out sooner or later. I just wasn't prepared for sooner, yet.

  When I walked back into the house, after spending over an hour wandering the streets and walking around the lake, I saw that Mom had been busy. Several boxes were scattered around the living room. They were all opened, but nothing had been taken out of them.

  I heard Mom humming to herself in the kitchen, probably starting dinner, which, by the way, I was dreading. I hadn't really spent a lot of time around Ellie and the time that I was around her was spent trying to focus on not imagining throwing her across the room and ripping her stupid hair out of her stupid head. She was awful and Trevor couldn't take his eyes off her chest. The sex must be great because no one was that tolerant.

  I wasn't looking forward to hearing her argue with him about the guest list for the wedding or that the food my mother had slaved over was too salty, fattening, or dry.
r />   Trevor was going to have a rude awakening one day and I prayed I was there to witness it. The woman was just evil and manipulative and hiding something. We, as in me, Mom, and Charlie, all knew it. We just had to wait.

  Poor Trevor.

  I walked past the boxes without taking a second glance and into the kitchen to see what help Mom needed. I always enjoyed cooking with her. She may be over protective and motherly passed the point of irritation, but she was my best friend and I had always gotten along with her. It helped that she was always there for me no matter what and I regretted every day that I had left her the way I did. I know she had forgiven me, but I still felt like I needed to earn it.

  "Hello, dear. How was your walk?" she asked, looking up from the pot she was stirring.

  "It was good. Refreshing. Sorry about staying asleep for so long. I know that worried you." Figured I'd get right to the point.

  "Oh, sweetie. Thank you, but you don't need to be sorry. I let my worries get the best of me and I should have trusted you to know what you were doing. I just can't help it, you know?" She gave me a hug and kissed my cheek before returning to the boiling pot.

  "Yeah, I know."

  "Good. So, you ready for tonight?" Her voice seemed higher and a little shaky which immediately signaled that she was planning something.

  "What are you up to, Mom?" I asked and narrowed my eyes at her.

  She scoffed and tried to look innocent, but like I said before, she was a horrible actress. "Nothing, dear. I'm just… I want you to be prepared for Ellie, that's all. She is going to make the night hell and I just want to make sure you are ready for that."

  "Mmm hmm, yeah right."

  She just smiled and winked, knowing there was nothing I could do about what she had planned. I had already committed to having dinner with everyone tonight, meaning Charlie. She had been planning this dinner for the last few days so I couldn't back out now.

  "Will you help me with the chicken, sweetie?" she asked.