Every One Of Me

by Jessica Wilde

  Her eyes.

  They were blue. A really light blue.

  "What the hell?" I shut my eyes tightly and shook my head to clear my mind. When I opened them again, her eyes were still blue. I leaned in closer.

  "Pas possible! Partir! S'il vous plaît." She smacked me on the face just as I got close enough to tell that I was definitely not seeing things. Her eyes were definitely blue.

  Oh shit!

  You know those moments when you realize that something significant just happened that could possibly change the entire course of your life and you are leaning more towards the 'not good' side of it? This was one of those moments.

  My stomach dropped and the blood that was coursing through my body sounded as loud as a jet flying directly over my head. This was an alter I hadn't met before and I knew that Tess was going to be furious. I had to think fast before the situation got out of control. If it was even in control in the first place.

  "I'm Charlie. I don't know any French so if you can speak English…"

  She narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips, seeming to take in my face and trying to figure out who I was while making sure I knew to keep my distance.

  "Anglais?"

  I nodded vigorously, "If that means English, then yes."

  "I am sorry. I speak English, I just… who are you?"

  She spoke English very well for having just spoken like a true French woman. She had an accent of course, and to be honest, it was sexy as hell.

  "I'm Charlie. Your boyfriend. Well, I'm Tessa's boyfriend and you are… well, Tess, but I guess you may not know that. Oh God," I dropped my head into my hands and told myself to wake up. This wasn't happening. Tess was already worried about having two alters and I have no idea why or how this one could be missed. I was going to have a serious talk with Dr. Geoffrey. Or Tess was.

  "Tessa?" she asked, still clutching tightly to the sheet and starting to move away from me.

  I hurried to the edge of the bed and stood, bending to pick up my jeans and pull them on quickly. I needed Benny.

  "I will be right back. Why don't you get dressed and then we can talk. Please, don't leave." I pulled open the door and looked back at her. It didn't look like she was going anywhere anytime soon if the lost expression on her face was any indication.

  Leaving her in there alone probably wasn't the most well thought out thing to do. I had no other choice, though. I ran down the hall - shirtless and freaking out - and started pounding on the door to Benny's hotel room. I prayed to God they were back from the club.

  "Yeah, yeah, just a minute!" I heard Benny shout from the other side.

  "Hurry up, Benny. We got a problem."

  She opened the door and I almost flew back to the wall behind me. Her hair was an absolute mess and she looked like she was going to strangle me with her bare hands. It was terrifying.

  "What the hell could possibly be happening that you need to wake me up--"

  I didn't wait for her to finish. I grabbed her arm and pulled her down the hall. She was only wearing a skimpy tank top and the tiniest shorts I had ever seen, but after seeing the look on my face, she didn't protest.

  "What the hell, Charlie? What happened?"

  I dragged her into the hotel suite and found Tess just stepping out of the bedroom and pulling on some pants. I kept my voice low as I spoke to Benny while closing the door. I didn't know what it would do if I told an alter that she was uh… well, an alter. "Tess switched. But, I don't know who it is. It's not Lydia and it's definitely not Camryn."

  Benny's eyes widened as she stared at Tess who was now standing in the bedroom doorway looking confused and a little wary. "I knew it," she said under her breath.

  "Who are you?" Tess asked.

  "I'm Benny. Who are you?"

  I flinched at Benny's no nonsense attitude. Maybe she wasn't the correct person to welcome this new character into our lives.

  "My name is Jessamyn Rainier. I am sorry if I wandered in here… I must have had too much to drink tonight."

  "She's French?" Benny exclaimed and turned her wide eyes back to me. The disturbing part of it? She was smiling.

  "Yes, I am French, but I speak English fluently. I apologize if my accent makes it hard to understand."

  "No! No way. You sound hot!" Benny laughed and took a step closer to her. "You have just enough of an accent to seriously make me consider switching teams."

  I smacked Benny on the arm and tried to look like a scolding adult. I should have known better than that by now because Benny was her own person and she didn't take to scolding well at all.

  "Ow! Fuck, Charlie! That hurt." She rubbed her arm and glared at me. "I'm telling Tess."

  "What the hell do we do, Benny?"

  "There's nothing we can do, Charlie. Except, get to know her." She took another step toward Tess - or I guess Jessamyn - and gestured for her to sit on the couch. "We have a lot to talk about, Jessamyn."

  "Please, call me Jessi," she said and smiled widely at Benny while her eyes flickered over to me nervously.

  "Don't you worry about him. He is new to this stuff, but he's a good guy. Hopefully you fall in love with him," Benny said with a shrug.

  I rolled my eyes. How the hell did Tess get along with this woman?

  "I am confused. Charlie said he was my boyfriend, but I do not have a boyfriend."

  I leaned against the back of the couch, closer to Benny, as Tess - Jessi - sat down. Scenarios were flying through my mind. The one that was causing the most turmoil, though, was the thought of telling Tess that she had another alter. She had talked to me about the time it would take to find integration with the two she knew about. This was going to make her feel less hope than she already had. How would I tell her that?

  "He is your boyfriend. Well, he's Tessa's boyfriend. You are Tessa and you are Jessi."

  Her brow scrunched up and she looked like she was about to bail.

  "Holy shit! Your eyes are blue. Physiological changes? Tess is going to freeeeak."

  I rolled my eyes again and was starting to get a headache, "That's what I have been trying to tell you."

  "Okay, so I will give you the short version and then we can get into details in the morning because I am exhausted. Theresa Marshall has dissociative identity disorder, or multiple personality disorder. Do you know what that is?"

  She nodded hesitantly, then shrugged, "A little."

  "Good enough. Anyway, the personalities that are not Tess are called alters and you, my dear, are an alter."

  "Is this the right thing to do, Benny?" I asked anxiously as I saw Tessa's face twist. She probably thought we were insane.

  "Better to tell her now. It could trigger a switch back to Tess if we talk about her and explain the situation." She took a deep breath and turned to me, resting her arm on the back of the couch and crossing an ankle over her knee. "What I am most concerned about isn't that there is another alter, I already knew that. I'm just wondering what the trigger was."

  "Trigger?" Tess/Jessi asked.

  "Yeah. A switch can be caused by some kind of trigger like stress or fear or an extreme emotion," Benny replied. "Actually, pretty much anything. Everyone is different." She knew more about this than I gave her credit for.

  "I think I should leave," Tess/Jessi said and started to stand.

  "No!" I cried and quickly stood to block her exit.

  "Charlie, calm down," Benny said and came to my side. "Listen, Jessi. You may not believe everything we are saying and that's fine, but we aren't going to hurt you and you have nowhere else to go."

  That made Jessi pause. She must have realized that Benny was telling the truth and when she glanced around the room, she looked lost.

  "Why don't you go to bed and we will talk more in the morning and figure this out."

  She nodded and started to back away to the bedroom we had just made love in not more than half an hour ago.

  "I think I will go to bed then. Is this my room?" she questioned, eyeing me carefully.


  At that moment, the realization that everything had changed finally hit me. This wasn't my Tess that I was dealing with. This wasn't even Lydia or Camryn that already knew me in some way. This was a complete stranger who had no idea who I was and would probably feel threatened by me in some way.

  "Go ahead and take that one. Charlie will take the other one and he won't bug you at all. Right, Charlie?" Benny asked.

  I stood motionless for what seemed like hours, watching the woman I loved slowly slip through my fingers. No matter how hard I tried to hold onto her, there was no way to know if, some day, she would fall out of my grip. I didn't understand the gravity of Tessa's disorder until now.

  She was still my Tess, but her alters were not, no matter how much I wanted them to be.

  "Yeah," I croaked. The lump that had lodged in my throat was painful and it took everything I had to keep my expression impassive. I don't think I succeeded, but I tried.

  I hurried into the extra bedroom and shut the door softly. Muffled sounds of Benny saying goodnight and Jessi's reassurance that she wasn't going to go anywhere came through the door.

  I sat on the bed with shaky legs and a heavy heart. I couldn't give up on her. I couldn't give up on us.

  Chapter 19

  Tessa

  I found myself standing in front of the mirror in the luxurious bathroom that was connected to Charlie's room. Our room. I had no idea how I got there, but I was definitely there and I was definitely not dreaming. The water was running, so hot that it was beginning to fog the mirror in front of me. I quickly shut it off and looked around.

  "What the hell?"

  The fear that I had switched in the middle of the night hit me with such force that I had to grip the counter top to stay upright. I knew I had experienced this before, finding myself in the middle of something without knowing how I had gotten there, but until now, I hadn't known it at the time. I had always just woken up and realized I had lost a day or so, sometimes a week.

  The closest thing to this feeling was what I felt at the restaurant the night before, but I couldn't be sure. The hope that things would get better as I attempted to communicate or integrate with the alters was hanging by its fingernails and screaming for dear life. If anything, things were getting worse before I had the chance to make them better.

  I nearly ran out of the bathroom, hoping to find Charlie sleeping and not having any idea what had just happened. When I looked at the disheveled sheets and found them empty, panic coursed through my veins.

  "No," I rasped.

  I finally looked down at what I was wearing. I was in a t-shirt and jeans. Maybe I lost more time than I thought, but a quick trip back to the bathroom to look in the mirror told me that my hair was still curled the way Benny had done it, although messy from sex and possibly sleep. Maybe it was the next morning and Charlie was getting us breakfast or he was with his team for some kind of meeting. Maybe he had left because I had freaked him out or something without knowing it.

  The Maybe's were driving me insane.

  I decided to be proactive and look for him or at least find Benny and make sure everything was still normal.

  I swung the bedroom door open and stepped out into the living area of the beautiful hotel suite we were staying in. The lights were on and it was still dark outside.

  "Okay, maybe I didn't lose much time at all. Maybe I had been sleep walking."

  A sound from the extra bedroom made me jump, but I hurriedly closed the distance and gripped the cold doorknob tightly. Was it Trevor who had decided to stay in this room instead of with Benny? He could help me out, right?

  I opened the door slowly and peered inside. The only light was coming from the open strip of space underneath the bathroom door. I heard the toilet flush and the sink turn on as I waited to see who was on the other side.

  I couldn't move away from the doorway I was standing in. If I had to run, I wanted to make sure nothing was in my way. I flipped on the bedroom light and looked around. There were no suitcases anywhere and the bed didn't look like it had been disturbed.

  Maybe it wasn't Trevor.

  The water turned off and a few seconds later, the doorknob began to turn.

  I held my breath.

  It felt like forever before he came into view. His body was unmistakable. The tattoo on his shoulder confirming that it was him. Dressed in nothing but a pair of jeans, Charlie stepped into the bedroom looking down at the ground while a hand tugged sharply at his hair in the way he only did when he was frustrated.

  I don't know if relief was the correct response to what I was going through, but that's what I felt. What stood in the forefront of my mind, however, was that Charlie was moving toward the bed instead of the door where he should have been headed to come back to our room.

  "Charlie?"

  He startled and cursed as his head snapped up to look at me.

  We both stood motionless, breathing hard and fast, as if we had both just run a marathon.

  "Is it you, Tess?"

  Oh shit!

  I felt the sting in the back of my eyes and tried to keep myself from crying out in agony by slapping a hand over my mouth.

  In three strides, Charlie was standing in front of me and cupped my face in his hands. "Baby, don't cry. Please"

  I hadn't realized the tears had already started to fall, and they were streaming out of me faster than ever before. Charlie wrapped his arms around me and I buried my face in his bare chest. I wasn't a crier, but the last couple weeks had been like a dam breaking open.

  "D-did I… are y-you okay? What happened?" I asked through my tears.

  He took a deep breath and squeezed me tighter. His hesitation was unbearable, like a pair of cement shoes holding me at the bottom of a lake

  "You switched, Tess."

  I already knew that, but hearing him say it, hearing that he was there during it, made the devastation so much greater.

  "Was it Camryn? Did she do something--"

  "No, baby. It wasn't Camryn, and there is nothing Camryn can do to make me run off. Got it?" he said firmly and moved back to cup my face again, gently wiping my tears away with his thumbs. He looked into my eyes, almost warily, and after a few seconds he sighed, "You're really back."

  "Yes, it's me. Did Lydia make you come in here? Was she a total bitch or something?" I felt a little better knowing that he was only dealing with Lydia, she was easy. Sometimes, I really actually hated not remembering a switch. Co-consciousness was like gold at the moment. Precious and envied.

  He shook his head and I paused. Confusion set in as the expression on his face turned more and more anxious. This could not be good.

  "It wasn't Lydia either."

  At first, I wanted to laugh even though it wasn't a very funny joke. But when he didn't say anything else, I knew he wasn't joking. He was telling the truth, the look in his eyes told me as much, but I couldn't help but feel like he was mocking me.

  "Damn it, Charlie. This isn't a game!" I shouted and pushed against his chest to get some distance, but he only held me tighter and didn't budge an inch.

  "I know, love. It's not. I just don't know how to tell you."

  "Just say it!"

  He tugged me toward the bed and we both sat down on the edge, with him wrapped around me as if to anchor me down so I couldn't run. I felt like I was about to snap into a million pieces. If I hadn't switched yet, I know I was about to from all the stress and worry.

  "It was another alter, one we didn't know about."

  Black spots formed in front of my eyes and I was having a hard time breathing. I felt Charlie's hands holding my face and heard the distant sound of him shouting my name. I even think I felt a tap against my cheek as if someone was trying to snap me out of some daydream. I don't remember if I passed out or if I even responded to anything that was said. All I could think about was the hope that had just been ripped from my soul, shredded into a million pieces and burned into nothing but ash.

  I lost everything at that moment.<
br />
  I knew it was ridiculous to think that I had been okay or even in control of everything. It was almost pathetic. But I couldn't admit to myself or even accept that this life was it, these were the cards that had been dealt and I had bet everything on this hand.

  Folding hadn't been an option before. It hadn't even crossed my mind. I could deal with it, right? I could roll with the punches, wing it, stand my ground, and any other idioms that I can't think of right now.

  And I could have dealt with it.

  With Lydia and Camryn.

  With the two alters who had been with me for years, protected me emotionally and mentally.

  No. Folding hadn't been an option at all.

  Until now.

  So I welcomed the oblivion, the darkness. The total ignorance that came over me and felt the switch sizzle through my brain. Control was gone and triggers no longer mattered.

  Charlie couldn't help me and I could no longer help myself.

  ***

  Charlie

  "Tess! Come on, love, answer me."

  She hadn't moved since I told her there was another alter. In fact, I don't think I had seen anything hold so still without being dead and I sure as hell hadn't seen anyone dead.

  Her eyes had stared straight through me, unseeing and oblivious to everything going on around her. I couldn't get her to respond to anything. I lightly tapped her cheek and shook her shoulders.

  Nothing.

  It was like she had checked out.

  I started to stand so I could go get Benny or call an ambulance. The only explanation was that she was in shock. Her face was pale and her hands were in tight fists that I had no hope of opening. As I stood and slowly released her shoulders to make sure she would stay upright, she blinked several times and finally looked into my eyes.

  "Charlie?"

  Relief slammed into me. "Tess! Are you okay? You went completely blank." I gathered her in my arms and pulled her into my lap.

  "Wow, Charlie. You are like sex on a stick! Look at those muscles. My God."

  Every muscle in my body froze as the high pitched voice that was Lydia reached my ears. I remembered the sound of it from the recording Dr. Geoffrey had played at Tessa's last appointment. Plus, Tess would never say 'sex on a stick' out loud. Would she?