I pulled my face out of her hair and slowly met her gaze. Nope. Definitely not in this situation.
She had a shit eating grin on her face and even though it was technically Tess and her smile was always beautiful, this one made me shiver.
"Lydia."
"Yep, how goes it, Charlie? It's been a long time. I see that Tess finally clued in to the perfection that is you." She giggled and licked her lips.
"Why are you here?" I asked, my voice more stern than I had intended.
She huffed and climbed off my lap. "Well, I guess there will be no cuddle time for Liddy, huh? Listen, Tess can't handle the stress. I can. That's how this whole thing works with her so you better get used to it."
I wasn't sure how to respond. I didn't realize that Lydia knew what her role was in Tessa's mind. "I don't--"
"Understand. Yeah I know. And you probably never will, but that's okay because that's why I'm here. Tessa Marshall has labeled Cam and me the bad guys. I'm cool with it, but eventually she is going to burst if she doesn't learn to accept us." She closed her eyes tightly and rubbed her fingers against her temples. "Or…"
"Or what?"
She locked eyes with me and frowned. Not a playful, pouty frown that I would probably expect from her knowing what I know. This was her being upset about something and even though Lydia was talking to me, I still felt that protective shove and the need to do whatever it took to fix things for her.
I was wrong before. Lydia was my Tess, just a different part of her.
"She is losing it, Charlie. She's giving up and we all know where that leads so I'm not going to beat around the bush. She needs to talk to us. Or eliminate us."
"Why?"
She laughed. Actually laughed as if I had said the most hilarious thing in the world. "Oh, Charlie. You really think you can handle four different women? And whoever else decides to pop out of her head? This isn't something that you can just walk away from when things get rough. Tess already does that herself." She threw her arms in the air in frustration and pulled on the dark locks falling against her neck like she wanted to rip them out. "We aren't going to go anywhere without causing some serious damage to the already fragile mind she has. She has never really learned to show important emotion or to even handle the shittiest of situations all by herself. This isn't just a phase and it's not going to magically go away or get better. This is the rest of her life."
"I already know that!" I shouted at her, feeling my blood simmer and my fists clench. I wasn't in this thinking that someday things would all turn out normal, I was in this because I loved Tess more than any man had ever loved a woman. I would give my life for her.
"I know that better than anyone else, Lydia. But I also want Tess more than anything else. And if that means I get you and Camryn and Jessamyn, or even 20 other people who come with her, I will still consider myself the luckiest bastard alive because I get the moments with Tess that matter. You say I can't walk away from her because it will destroy her, but the truth is it will destroy me."
I dropped down onto the bed and held my head in my hands. My mind was racing, frantically trying to find a solution for Tess, not me. I didn't care if one of her alters turned out to be a man who wanted nothing more than to put his fist through my face all the time. But she would care and it would rip her apart if she had the slightest inkling that being with her was difficult for me. She had already proven that she could disappear because she felt guilty.
"What do I do, Lydia?" I whispered, feeling a burning sensation at the back of my eyes that I only remember feeling when we had discovered Tess was gone all those years ago.
"That's the problem. You can only be you. There's not much else." She placed her hand on my back and patted softly, trying to comfort me but not really knowing how. "Listen," she demanded, "Tess isn't the only one who needs convincing. She may never accept us, but even if she does, it won't matter unless you can convince the others to accept it. To accept you. Tess sure as hell isn't going to convince them anytime soon."
"What? Like make all you girls fall in love with me?" I scoffed.
"Exactly," she shrugged and then smacked me on the back. "You've got it."
"You have got to be kidding me."
She rolled her eyes, looking so much like the Tess I knew, "I know you may not completely trust me, but there is one thing that you can be assured of. I love you as much as Tess does, so that's two down and two to go… so far."
I gaped at her, completely shocked by what she had just said so flippantly. "You love me?"
She nodded hesitantly, looking only a little wary of my reaction, "Always have. I've spent more time with you than you think, Charlie. And unfortunately, I couldn't tell Tess how stupid she was for leaving at the time, but now I'm glad she did. Benny is good for her and I think she could see that the rest of us are pulling for her, too, if she just held on a little longer."
I dropped my head in my hands for the hundredth time and tried to pull out a solution, one that would be best for Tess. The thought of convincing two other women, besides Tess and Lydia, to fall in love with me, and stay in love with me long enough to live another 60 plus years together, was giving me a massive headache. I had a hard enough time getting it out of Tess. Took 15 years, really.
I could honestly say that it was worth it, though.
Every minute of it.
And each of these alters was Tess. At least, a part of her that she had created to deal with things that she normally couldn't deal with herself. I didn't have a choice. I loved her so I would love them and hope that they would return the sentiment sooner or later.
Hopefully sooner.
She had been pacing back and forth while I had been thinking and practically wearing a hole in the carpet. Even knowing she was Lydia right now didn't stop me from wanting to pull her into my arms and comfort her. I would have to talk to Tess about that. They were all still her and if I was going to do this - convince them to love me - I was going to have to talk to each of them intimately, be with them intimately. Could I do that without feeling like I was being unfaithful to Tess?
She raked a hand through her hair and tugged.
"Are you nervous?" I asked because from what I had been told and what I had seen and heard, Lydia didn't get nervous.
"Not really," she replied almost too quickly and waved her hand in the air dismissively as if she were shooing away the very idea.
"You seem to know a lot about Tess. Why doesn't she know more about you?"
She shot me a wry smile and finally sat down on the bed. "She doesn't take the time really. Everything she knows about us comes from someone else, her therapist, Benny. She's explained to you about co-consciousness right?"
I nodded and shrugged, "Yeah, but I'm not quite sure I understand it completely."
She smiled and laid down on her side resting her head in her hand. "Tess isn't aware of any of us whether she is in a switch or not. If she wouldn't have wondered why she was losing time here and there, she would have never discovered us without someone else pointing it out to her. As far as she is concerned, she has always only been Tess.
"Camryn and I, on the other hand, are aware of Tess consistently. We have experienced Tess and each other and are aware of everything that happens around us. We aren't aware of Jessamyn, but it seems like she isn't aware of any of us either, just like Tess."
My head was aching more with confusion. It was all so complicated. How could Tess ever keep track of everyone?
"I feel like I need to write this all down so I can remember who is who," I said feeling a little discouragement.
"That's actually a good idea. Dr. G talked to me about that a while ago. Tess should really start keeping a journal or something, writing down her thoughts and feelings about what happens to her and what is going on in her life. Jessamyn will need that. Camryn and I can do it, too. It would help Tess communicate with us. She wants to, but I think she is scared of what it might do. She doesn't want us with her forever, but she can't
just kick us out of her head."
We talked about different ways to get Tess to be more involved with her, Camryn, and Jessi. It was after 2 in the morning by the time we started drifting off to sleep. Neither one of us really wanted to get up and I had no desire to be away from Tess, whether she was aware of me or not. I was still waiting for her to switch back, but it looked like I was going to have Lydia for a while longer.
She had already closed her eyes and her breathing had evened out. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open, but I wanted to soak her in. I watched her breathe in and out and wondered what she would dream about, if Tess would remember the dreams or if Lydia would.
There would definitely never be a dull moment in our lives, that's for sure.
Chapter 20
Tessa
I honestly don't remember how or why I woke up so suddenly, I just know that Charlie was next to me in bed, on top of the covers, in his jeans, looking like he should be kept locked up and hidden away for looking so god damn beautiful.
I do remember feeling awfully freaked out after he told me I had a third alter. The familiar nervous feeling crept up into my chest and my heart started beating faster, but I tamped it down and took a few deep breaths. I didn't need to feel that way anymore.
I know Lydia had taken my place after I blanked out. I knew she could handle the freaking out better than I could. I also know that her and Charlie had a good talk about how to balance myself out and also balance out my life with Charlie.
I know all of this.
I remember all of this.
The smile that broke out across my face was probably the biggest one I had ever had since before I left Charlie and my family.
It was the first true hope I had ever felt.
For the few moments after Charlie had dropped the bomb, I had seriously considered ending everything. I knew I wouldn't be able to live my life being so many different people, not knowing if Charlie could truly handle it and not knowing what they were saying and doing with him. My family would struggle. Mom was strong and smart, and she would adapt to everything, Trevor might have a harder time, but they would eventually come to understand me and be able to live with us. I just didn't want them to have to.
I felt like I had been dreaming. During the switch, it was like I was a fly on the wall, watching my body and face interact with Charlie. He had looked so confused and almost devastated for me, but as things started to come together for him, he looked hopeful.
Probably as hopeful as I was feeling at the moment.
Benny had been telling me the truth, I was loved by her and my family. By Charlie. They weren't being forced to do anything. They were sticking with me because they wanted to.
If you have never felt love like that before… well, let me just say it feels amazing. Like a warmth oozing through your veins. The warm feeling you get after taking that first sip of a good strong Brandy.
Bliss. Happiness. Relief.
I never wanted to let that feeling go. I wasn't going to let it go.
I watched Charlie for a few moments longer, raking my eyes over his handsome face, so relaxed and almost boyish. He looked content. I scooted closer to him and gently ran my finger over his brow, passing over the cut above his eye, down along the bridge of his nose, to his soft full lips that could do wonders to me. He had a good amount of scruff along his jaw and the feel of it under my fingers sent tingles down my spine, remembering the sensation of that scruff rubbing along the intimate places on my body. It made the warmth I was already feeling grow into a heady glow.
I moved my hand down his neck to his thick shoulder, then felt the muscles in his upper arm flex like he was on high alert. I looked back at his face and his bright green eyes were watching me. I leaned forward, unable to go on without feeling his lips against mine.
He backed away quickly, his expression confused and wary.
"Lydia, I don't think…"
My stomach fell down through the bed and hit the floor. I didn't like the sound of him calling me another name and the hurt on my face must have shown. I moved to climb off the bed and give him some space, but his hand shot out and grasped my wrist.
"Wait. Tess, you're back?"
"Yeah, I am. Who else would be touching you and attempting to kiss you?" I snapped.
He looked dejected for a split second before understanding crept over his face. "No one else but you, Tess. I wouldn't even put myself in that kind of situation with anyone else."
I knew being upset was irrational. To him, I'm sure that my alters are still me in some way. I would have to learn to be on that same line of thinking, but right now, I just wanted to be mad at him for pulling away from me.
"Lydia told me she was in love with me. I didn't realize how long we had been asleep and I guess I just thought it was still her and she was making a move or something," he said quickly, looking desperate to convince me that it wasn't me he was rejecting.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, holding it for ten seconds before slowly letting it seep out. I pushed out the anger and nodded my head.
"I know, Charlie. I'm sorry, I just didn't expect that. Didn't like it either."
He tugged me closer to him, still laying down on his side, and pulled me against his chest so we were face to face with our lips a mere inch apart and our bodies perfectly aligned.
"I think we should talk about that. I don't want to ever pull away from you, Tess. I just don't know what to do with them. It's still you. When I look at them… it's still you. How am I supposed to think any differently? What do you want me to do?"
I closed my eyes. As much as it hurt to think of him with one of the alters, he was right, it was still me. I shrugged, "Well, like Lydia said, make them fall in love with you."
He sighed and nodded before his whole body went stiff and his eyes widened. "You remember?"
I hadn't meant to let him know that I did remember the switch. I wanted to wait and see if it lasted. No sense disappointing him if it didn't, but I nodded hesitantly and the look on his face was enough to convince me that it was a good idea.
His smile was breath taking and I think my heart forgot to keep beating for several seconds.
"That's… great. Right?" he whispered.
"Yeah. It is."
When his lips crashed against mine, all thoughts of another alter and whether or not things would work out, left my mind. It was just me and Charlie.
That's all that mattered.
***
"She's French?"
"Pretty sweet, huh?" Benny said with her biggest smile. "I think it ups your hotness score to about 100. The accent is definitely irresistible."
I was grateful for Benny's comments, trying to make me feel better that the alter wasn't a freak, but still…
We were on the plane, heading back home, with Charlie in the seat next to me and Benny in front of us with Trevor. Apparently, Charlie had made some calls and gotten us all together in first class on the same flight back. We had all been avoiding the elephant on the plane until the seat belt light went off. Then, Benny immediately turned in her seat and rested against her folded arms on the back of the seat and started filling me in.
She had come back to the room this morning, but Charlie kicked her out in the first 5 seconds after she barged into the suite. I had just gotten in the shower and Charlie was on his way in when we heard her calling my name. He had poked his head out the bedroom door, told her I was occupied and would be until we had to leave for the airport and not to call or come back until she heard from us.
I assumed that she had taken it really well because when we met downstairs at the car, she couldn't stop smiling and winking at me. Charlie hadn't let me leave the room until the last minute and my hair was a mess, my lips were swollen, and my clothes were crooked. Trevor didn't look me in the eye, but his lips had turned up into a smile when Charlie wrapped his arm around me in the car.
The blush on my face hadn't faded until we arrived at the airport.
&
nbsp; "So, what else? Is she crazy or anything?" I asked Benny who was looking like a kid who had just unwrapped the coolest birthday present ever.
"Don't know, but she seemed pretty composed, didn't talk too much, but didn't freak out like I expected her to."
"So she isn't co-conscious of any of us. Lydia or Camryn?"
She shook her head and pursed her lips, "Kind of sucks, but it's nothing we haven't dealt with before. It will probably be just like what happened at the beginning with you. Kind of starting over, I guess." She shrugged and looked at Charlie. "Did you tell her the coolest part?"
"I haven't had a chance to talk to her about it much," he said with a wide grin and looked at me, making me blush all over again. He chuckled and kissed my forehead. "Besides, I'm not sure what you think the coolest part is."
"The eyes, duh!"
"Ah," he replied with an exaggerated nod.
"What about the eyes? What happened to the eyes?" I asked with a shaky voice.
"Blue. Her eyes are blue," Benny exclaimed. "So freaking cool. I mean, at first, I thought there were some physiological changes with Camryn because, well, you know. She's crazy sometimes. But then I realized that was just because she looked crazed. Nothing else was really different except her expressions and posture and stuff like that, but Jessi… she has light blue eyes."
I shook my head. "How is that possible? Did you see them change?"
Charlie responded to this question and his answer was actually not what I was expecting. "I noticed your eyes were a little lighter when we got back from the club, but I thought it was just because you were tired or something. They were more hazel than the usual chocolate color. It wasn't until you started speaking to me in French that I really noticed the change."
"Holy crapballs!"
"Yeah."
"So, tell me what she said."
"She didn't really say much, Tess," he said and squeezed my hand. "We didn't really talk to her much, but she must have been a little freaked when she realized she was in bed with me. Naked."
Every One Of Me Page 20