Every One Of Me

by Jessica Wilde

  He kissed me so softly, if I hadn't had my eyes opened, I wouldn't have known it. When his heated eyes found mine again, he thrust into me slowly, stealing my breath and making the pressure in my core build.

  He pulled back, then thrust forward again, going deeper and making my toes curl. He did it again until he was buried to the hilt. His jaw clenched as he fought for control, but his eyes never left mine. I tilted my hips, urging him to move, and he gasped at the movement and pressed against me, pinning me down with a hand gripping my hip tightly.

  "Please, Charlie."

  He once again buried his face in my neck and ground his hips against mine, not making any move to pull out, just pushing to reach deeper inside of me. He inhaled my scent and groaned, the vibration sending goosebumps across my skin.

  Then he began to move. Slowly at first, finding a rhythm that sent me soaring.

  "I love you, Tess," he breathed.

  This man could handle me. He could handle every one of me.

  Chapter 23

  Charlie

  I never thought, in a million years, that I would wake up next to Tess in her bed, at her mother's house, completely naked, with her mother standing in the doorway smiling like a cat who ate the canary.

  It was very strange.

  "Do I need to make breakfast?" she asked quietly, not wanting to wake Tess who was pressed against my chest with my arms around her.

  For a moment, I thought I was having a nightmare. Like we were back in high school and I had been caught doing naughty things and needed to jump out of the bed and out the window before I got the shit kicked out of me. The smile on Sarah's face threw me off and it took me a moment to realize that she was just happy and not itching to pummel me.

  "No, thank you, Sarah. I'm going to take Tess out for breakfast today," I whispered groggily, shifting to make sure the blankets were covering both me and Tess so maybe she would think we were just in bed in our pajamas and nothing else had happened.

  "Good. I'll bring some boxes down from the attic so you guys can start packing up her stuff."

  She laughed at the shock on my face. How could she possibly know that Tess was going to move in with me when I had just asked her last night?

  "Don't look so surprised, Charlie. I know you better than you think. You aren't one to wait too long to make your move anymore, especially now that you finally got her back," she said with a dismissive wave. "Plus, I know my Tess. She may be slow on the uptake sometimes about you, but she loves you."

  With that, she walked out of the room and quietly shut the door behind her.

  I looked over at the clock and saw that it was already 8 o'clock in the morning. Apparently, we were both exhausted from the last few days. Tess stirred in my arms and I kissed the top of her head and rubbed my hand over the soft skin of her arm.

  "Mmmm, ça fait du bien."

  I froze.

  Shit. I don't think I would ever get used to that.

  "Jessi?"

  Her entire body went rigid and she slowly pushed herself up.

  Seeing her blue eyes looking back at me was like watching a ten car pile-up happen right in front of you and not being able to stop your car from smashing into the fray.

  "You? What are you doing in my bed again?"

  Okay, but the accent was definitely sexy and I could possibly get used to it.

  We both sat up and she scrambled to find her clothes, picking them up and scowling at them as she examined them. Watching her move around the room, completely naked, with no shame whatsoever, made me nervous. Jessi shouldn't be comfortable with a stranger watching her.

  "Jessi, remember what Benny and I talked to you about last time?"

  "Yes, I do," she snapped and jerked her pants over her legs angrily. "We need to talk, no?"

  I sighed, feeling the happiness from seeing Tess in my arms after a peaceful night float away to be replaced by that heavy, sinking feeling of anxiousness. This woman wasn't anything like Tess, and I had to get through to her.

  "Yeah, we need to talk." I pulled my pants on and slipped the t-shirt over my head. "I'll go get everyone. Come downstairs when you are ready, okay?" I automatically moved to kiss her forehead, but she jerked away from me and I realized what I had done. Still, my heart sank at the rejection and I backed away to the door. "I'm sorry, I just… we'll see you in a few minutes."

  I heard her huff of frustration just before I shut the door behind me. I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to chase away the coming headache that was prodding against my eyes.

  "It's still Tess," I muttered to myself. "Don't forget that."

  ***

  Sarah did not like Jessi. Benny was still just fascinated by the fact that her eyes changed so dramatically. I felt like my heart was being torn from my chest. Not just because this woman didn't want anything to do with me, but because it would tear Tess apart to know what this woman had told me.

  I had been waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs after telling Benny and Sarah what was going on. They were waiting in the kitchen and I felt like my shaking knees were going to fail and my body would crash through the floor.

  I was terrified.

  After finally getting to a good place with Tess, this was going to force a huge jump backwards.

  When she finally emerged from the bedroom, my heart raced impossibly faster. She climbed down the stairs and stopped, inches in front of me, glaring.

  "I do not want you interfering in my life," she warned me. "I am happy with way I live."

  Her accent was thicker today and she was angry. The two seemed to go together really well.

  "I do not commit," she bit out, then walked away from me and into the kitchen.

  If Tess hadn't told me she loved me already, that right there would have been the thing to chase me away. Failure would have been the only option. But Tess did love me. Of that, I had no doubt, and even though her words cut right through me and left me bleeding, failure was not an option.

  An hour later, after Sarah decided she better make breakfast since we weren't going anywhere, we had figured out who Jessi was. It made sense actually.

  Tess had always been worried about giving herself to anyone. Almost every single one of the guys she dated before had broken it off with her because they realized they could get easy action elsewhere. She never knew this of course. Overhearing locker room banter forced my hand a few times and those ex-boyfriends had ended up with a black eye. After that, the jerks stayed away from her. I had never been a concern to them before, I was just known as Tessa's scrawny best friend, but after I first met Camryn without realizing it, I was no longer going to fade into the background. I needed to protect her and that included keeping horny boys who couldn't keep their mouths shut, away from her.

  We had spent one night going through the tortuous conversation of why she wanted to save herself - tortuous for me because picturing her with anyone else was like a knife to the heart. I wouldn't have objected to any reason, I was just glad that no other guy had taken something like that from her. I wanted to be the one she gave it to, but back then, I knew it would never happen. The reason she did give me, surprised me. A lot. And it made me want to pummel those guys all over again for hurting her.

  "Giving that up would be like handing over my heart to someone and hoping they see the 'handle with care' label before they dive in to tear it open. I'm not the kind of person that can separate those two things at all."

  I fell in love with her even more when she told me that, but I never told her. I just stood off to the side and watched her continue on with her life without knowing how I felt. When she decided to give that away, she was going to give everything. I wanted everything from her.

  Now, sitting at the dining table listening to Jessi tell Benny the same things, but pointing out that she - after a long line of broken hearts - could separate sex and love, and said that she had many times, tore me apart. Benny stole glances at me as we listened, pity flowing from her eye
s. I felt my shoulders slump further and further until Sarah grabbed my hand underneath the table and tried to squeeze some hope back into me.

  She leaned into me so no one could hear her, "Jessi may be Tess, but Tess isn't Jessi."

  It was a good reminder, but it did nothing to help my anxiety. Tess was committed to me. She would never be anything but loyal and I trusted her with every fiber of my being, but… I couldn't trust Jessi. Not just because she had no sense of commitment to me, but because she had no sense of commitment to anyone. By the look in her eyes, she would sleep with the first man that she came across just to prove it to me.

  I hadn't spoken a word the whole time we had been sitting there afraid it would release the nausea that had bubbled up in my stomach. I couldn't sit there any longer, though. I was slowly losing my mind and my confidence in my ability to keep calm, so I shoved away from the table and made my way to the door.

  "Charlie, where are you going?"

  "I need to go home. I have some… things to do. Let me know when Tess is back."

  I hated leaving her. I hated walking away from her without saying goodbye, without kissing her. But I hated the look on her face more. Smug and heartless.

  On Jessi's face. This wasn't my Tess.

  I looked at her for several long moments, unable to tear my eyes away from her. She was my life and this woman - this alter - was going to tear her away from me if I couldn't straighten things out and I didn't see that happening anytime soon.

  Then something happened that made my shoulders rise up in hope, just slightly. Her eyes flickered with heat as she looked back at me, the smug grin on her face faded to concern and the words that - a few minutes before - I thought I would never tell her, slipped out.

  "I love you and I won't give up. Whether your name is Jessamyn Rainier, Lydia Cooper, Camryn Garrett, or John Smith, you are still Tess, and Tess is staying with me whether the rest of you want to or not." My voice came out harder than I had intended, but she needed to understand that I wasn't going to waiver. Tess was mine. Every single one of her was mine.

  ***

  My house was a disaster.

  I had spent the last two hours ripping it apart. I needed to get to the gym and hit the bag over and over until every knuckle had broken and the pain took over. That kind of pain was better than this kind.

  I was telling the truth when I said I wasn't going to give up, but saying the words and actually trying not to give up was harder than I thought it would be. She didn't react when I told her I loved her, but I had a feeling those words hadn't been spoken to her in a long time.

  Trevor had come by shortly after I had walked in the door, confirming that Benny had told him everything and sent him over to keep an eye on me. He left five minutes later when I asked him what he would be doing if Benny told him she didn't want him in her life.

  He slumped down on the barstool he was sitting at and shook his head. "I'm sorry, man. I can't imagine what that did to you."

  "Then get out."

  He left, but called an hour later to make sure I wasn't doing anything stupid. I wanted to drink myself into oblivion, but didn't have anything to drink and had no desire to leave the house because I knew I would head straight for Tess and Jessi would rip me apart all over again. If it wasn't for that short moment where she looked like she wanted to comfort me, I would have probably stopped at the liquor store on the way home. I needed to keep my head on. I needed to make a plan.

  The knock at the door pulled me out of my thoughts and I looked around at my living room. I had thrown anything I could get my hands on across the room. Unfortunately, there wasn't much to break, but the mess I had made was enough to tell anyone I wasn't in a good mood.

  Another knock, more insistent this time.

  "Go away, Trevor!"

  I laid my head on the back of the couch and threw my arm over my face. How was I going to convince --

  "It's Tess."

  Her voice was muffled through the door, but I could tell it was her and my heart slammed against my chest. I ran to the door, flipped the deadbolt, and tore it open. The look on her face told me that she knew. I never talked to Benny about whether or not Tess should know what Jessi had said, but apparently, she would have disagreed with me.

  "I'm so sorry, Charlie," she whispered and a tear spilled over onto her cheek before I could pull her into my arms.

  "Don't. I'll figure something out. Don't lose hope, sweetheart."

  I dragged her inside and pulled her onto my lap as I sat on the couch again. She came willingly and melted into my chest reminding me that I was exactly where I wanted to be and no one was going to change that.

  "B-but what if she g-goes and sleeps with someone?" She was sobbing and having a hard time taking in a good breath to calm herself down.

  I wanted to tell her not to worry about that, but that would be completely hypocritical. It was what I was worried about, too. So instead of talking, I just held her. Pulled her down closer into my chest and wrapped my arms tightly around her. When her tears finally subsided, I cupped her face in my hands and wiped the last drops away with my fingers. Her lips looked so soft and her chocolate caramel eyes were wide with fear.

  I couldn't let her see how absolutely clueless I felt. I promised her that I would take care of her and I would be damned if I broke that promise, so I tried to lighten the mood.

  "What? You think that after seeing me she would want some other loser?"

  She smiled, sadly, but enough to wipe the devastation off of her beautiful face. "I'm glad one of us is thinking clearly."

  I kissed her forehead and tucked her head under my chin as I muttered, "We'll figure something out."

  She nodded and relaxed against me. She trusted me so completely and that was something to hold on to.

  "Let's get some of your stuff together to bring here, then we can stop by Dr. Geoffrey's on the way back. See what he thinks."

  She hesitated, but nodded in agreement.

  We would figure something out.

  "First things first," she said quietly, then crushed her lips to mine.

  ***

  Tessa

  At first, I had decided to go back to Boston. After switching back and finding myself sitting at the table with Benny and Mom looking like someone had died, and finding out that Charlie had left shortly before, and what Jessi had said, going back to Boston was the only way to protect the people I loved from being hurt by me. Physical or not.

  Mom was completely against it and said if I left, she would never speak to me again. We both knew better, but it made her feel like she got in the last word. Benny didn't say anything until I was getting ready to go to Charlie's.

  "Don't just disappear this time, T."

  I was fixing my hair in my bathroom and met her hard stare in the mirror. She stood against the doorframe with her arms folded across her chest.

  "Disappearing will burn the only bridges you have still standing. Don't do it again. You'll regret it for the rest of your miserable life," she said firmly. "And it will be miserable."

  I bowed my head and held onto the counter, my nerves tensing at the thought of telling Charlie that he was going to have to let me go again. "If I tell him, he won't let me go, Benny."

  "Yeah. That's why I'm telling you not to disappear. Talk to him. You need to go back, get some more help? Fine. He needs some kind of closure or reassurance that this isn't the end." She shook her head and looked up at the ceiling in exasperation. "You'll lose him forever, T."

  "And what if I stay, huh? What if I stay and Jessi ends up sleeping with some other guy? Then what, Benny? It will be worse." I took a deep breath and looked into her big blue eyes, pleading with me to pull my head out of my ass and see what she saw. "Worse for both of us, but Charlie would be devastated. I can't do that to him."

  "So running away and not giving it a chance is the answer?"

  "I'm not running away, I'm making a decision that's best for everyone."

  "You're making a
decision that's easiest for you!"

  "It's not fucking easy!" I screamed, my hands shaking as I pushed away from the counter. "It's the hardest decision I've ever made! You think that I think leaving him is going to make everything all hunky dory? It's not. Just being away from him for the last little while has torn me up inside, but I don't have a choice. At least, not one that will end well for both of us. I'm making the choice that will end well for him."

  "And why would you do that?" she whispered.

  "Because I can only live with myself if he is happy. And he will be. Eventually."

  She stepped toward me, just inches in front of me, grabbed my upper arms and held me in place, obviously resisting the urge to shake me. Her eyes were misty and she didn't look like the carefree, do-it-yourself Benny I had come to know. She looked hurt.

  "Eventually, Tess?" Her voice broke on my name and I held my breath. This wasn't the norm. She didn't get emotional, ever. "Eventually doesn't happen in real life. It doesn't happen in fairytales and it doesn't happen in romance books. Eventually means 'the end'. And eventually, you'll see that taking that choice from him… it will be the biggest mistake you ever made."

  For once, I hadn't started crying after having a heart to heart with my best friend. The look on her faced terrified me. "So… let it happen? The same thing you've been telling me since I came back."

  "No, T. You can't let it happen anymore. You need to make it happen. Take control of your life."

  I shook my head and started to remind her that I had no control over the alters and that I never would, it just couldn't happen, but she continued to speak before I could get a word out.

  "You don't have control right now? Take it! You know exactly what you need to do. Accept it, embrace it."

  "I already have."

  "No you haven't. If you already had, we wouldn't be having this conversation and you wouldn't be leaving the only man you've ever loved just because some French broad got in the way." She released me and took a step back, running her hand through the mess of blonde curls on top of her head. Her eyes flickered with the mischief she was known for. "The Tessa Marshall I know can keep a bitch in line if she poses a threat. Plus, Liddy and Cam got your back."