A Widow's Salvation

by Becky Lower

  Pepper dried her eyes on a length of muslin before she set it aside and picked up another length of the cloth. “If I keep on blubbering like an idiot, we’ll never get our work done.”

  Charlotte nudged her daughter in the ribs. “So choose to ignore me. It doesn’t mean this conversation is over. You need a husband, and your sons need a father. You could do worse than the colonel.”

  “Yes, Mother.” And if her mother had anything to do with it, she and the colonel would be wed by nightfall. Pepper knew the colonel enjoyed her company almost as much as he enjoyed the food she brought with her each time. But, beyond that, she was merely another set of hands to help out in the hospital. She’d have to arrange for her mother to see the colonel interact with other ladies as well and notice that he was merely being civil to her, not interested. And she’d keep their shaving episode to herself.

  CHAPTER SIX

  If Elijah thought the frantic pace at the hospital would slacken off after the battle at Harper’s Ferry in September, he had been sadly mistaken. It seemed the generals in this war believed fall was a good time to kill one another. Close on the heels of Harper’s Ferry came the bloodiest battle yet, as General Lee led his forces to Antietam, Maryland, a week after Harper’s Ferry. By day’s end, a total of 26,000 soldiers were injured, dead, or missing.

  The injured who were able to walk or be carried away were now showing up on his doorstep by the train carloads. Every available inch of floor space was taken up by a soldier, and the operating room was a sea of blood, as wounds were staunched and damaged appendages were sawn off. There was no time to remove the damaged limbs from the operating room before the next man was brought in, so the pile of shattered arms and legs grew. Elijah shuddered each time he walked past the pile, hoping it wouldn’t reach out and grab him as it did in his nightmares.

  Not that he’d had time to sleep. Every available person on staff was working without sleep or sustenance, since there were so many men to attend to. The society ladies who volunteered their time for the effort gave up their gentle tasks of letter writing for the soldiers, and holding their hands while they relived the horrors they had witnessed, in favor of the more pressing needs of fetching them water and bedpans. Everyone who volunteered was given harsh duties, and by consequence, some of the ladies faded away in the face of hard labor. Elijah couldn’t blame them. War was not for the faint of heart.

  One who didn’t fade away was Pepper Brown. And for that, Elijah was immensely grateful. If anything, she became more of a fixture in the hospital than ever, forcing him to take a few minutes to eat, or just to sit and talk to her for a brief couple of moments. There had been no more close encounters, such as the day she walked in on him when he was half-naked, but she sought him out each time she appeared at the hospital. Her mere presence kept him sane in what had become an insane world.

  Even as his mind formed the thought, Pepper strode into his line of sight. Her blue skirt swayed as she walked, and Elijah was mesmerized. His heart rate sped up a bit, and he stood still, waiting for her to reach him, as she picked her way around and over the bodies of moaning men waiting for service.

  “You are a sight for these tired eyes, Mrs. Brown.” He smiled at her when she finally came to a stop in front of him.

  “And you, Colonel, are a fright. How long has it been since you’ve slept?”

  “Hard to say. I don’t even know if it’s day or night, much less what day of the week it is.”

  “Well, I have the perfect remedy for you.” She held up the basket she was carrying. He relieved her of her burden and lifted a corner of the napkin covering the food inside.

  “Ah, some of your cook’s wonderful food.” He inhaled a whiff of the yeasty rolls in the basket, and his stomach growled in appreciation.

  “Yes, and you’re going to get off your feet and sit with me for a minute while you enjoy it.” She took his elbow and steered him toward his office.

  As instructed, he sat at his desk and rubbed his eyes. Pepper didn’t say a word, simply removed the food from the basket and placed it in front of him before taking a seat. He was familiar enough with her by now to know she would not move again until he ate the food. And he not only needed her to take care of the soldiers, but he needed to get back to the operating room. He opened his eyes and picked up a roll, slathering it with butter. He nodded appreciatively at the accompanying roast-beef sandwich.

  “Do you think you’ve seen the last train car yet?” Pepper asked. Their conversation never strayed far from the war.

  “No. According to the reports from the main office, Antietam was the bloodiest battle yet, so more will be coming. This isn’t a war so much as it is mass murder. So much lost life already, and it seems the war is only in its infancy.”

  “President Lincoln signed the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, though, just last week. Perhaps now the Confederacy will come to their senses and accept the fact they can’t own slaves anymore. Then this horrible war will come to an end.”

  Elijah shook his head. “I don’t think a signed piece of paper will make a bit of difference to them. They’re fighting for their way of life. Most plantations would not be able to exist and turn a profit if not for slave labor.”

  Pepper’s hands trembled as she tried to straighten the papers on his desk. “I understand the ramifications of the war. But the loss of life is something I’ll never get used to. There must be a better way to settle our differences.”

  “As long as there are men, there will always be battles. It’s been that way since time began.”

  “And we still haven’t learned our lesson. History has taught us nothing.”

  Elijah stood as the last bite of his sandwich disappeared into his mouth. “Well, despite all our sensible talk, we can’t alter the course of events. Thank you once again, Mrs. Brown, for sharing your cook’s offerings with me. I must get back to the operating room.”

  She rose along with him and began to clear the desk of the napkin and basket. “I thought we’d agreed to use my first name, Colonel.”

  He glanced at her. “I can’t call you Pepper if you insist on calling me Colonel.”

  “Well, then, why don’t you tell me your given name?”

  “It’s Elijah. From the Bible.”

  He noticed her lips curving into a smile. “Did I ever tell you the names of my sons?”

  “I believe you did, but I’ve quite forgotten.”

  “They are Matthew, Mark, and Luke.”

  “So we have something in common, then.”

  “Something other than war and death. How refreshing.”

  They left the office at the same time. She went in one direction, to the main hallway where the new arrivals were amassed. He went in the opposite direction as he returned to the operating room and the next soldier to be dealt with. But before he got engrossed in his work again, he thought about how she was missing the last of the apostles.

  • • •

  Her thoughts were still at the hospital, even as Pepper played with her sons at the park. How long had it been since the colonel had seen the sun? Luxuriated in its warmth as it kissed his face? Filled his lungs with the scent of fresh flowers? No, not the colonel. Elijah. They had just moved from formalities to a first-name basis. Elijah was a perfect name for such a good, strong man. She enjoyed each time they had a few quiet minutes together. And she admitted, if only to herself, her feelings for him were skating past the realm of respect and admiration. She wasn’t ready yet to have another man in her life, and possibly never would be. But Elijah was an honorable man who gave his all to his job, so she made certain he took care of himself so he could in turn take care of his patients. A home-cooked meal, some casual conversation so he could sit for a few moments, an occasional shave when he needed it, were small contributions on her part to keep the man in good health.

  There were still trains coming into New York City loaded with the wounded soldiers from the battle at Antietam and that knowledge filled her with dread. S
he crossed her arms in front of her, as if forming a barrier between herself and the world. The nanny held Mark’s hand and carried the baby. Matthew ran on ahead of them.

  “Stay close to us, Matthew. I don’t want to lose you.” Pepper thought, not for the first time, she needed another hand to help her keep track of her children. Michael’s hand. Sudden anger erupted in her. Michael was supposed to be here with her, helping her raise these wild boys. How could she corral all of her children by herself? Even with the nanny’s help, Matthew darted away from the group and into a clump of trees.

  “Can you keep an eye on the baby, Emma, while Mark and I chase down Matthew?”

  Emma nodded, tightening her hold on the baby, leaving Pepper and Mark free to quicken their pace and catch up to Matthew.

  “Bang, bang.” Matthew came out of the woods, pointing a long stick at them. “You’re dead. Fall down, Mark,” he instructed his brother.

  Pepper ran toward Matthew, grabbing the stick from him and tossing it away in a jerky motion. “Don’t you ever, ever do that again,” she admonished her son, shaking his shoulders as she did so. “Guns are not toys. They kill people. They killed your father. How could you even think of pointing something at your brother?”

  Emma came up the walk and placed a hand on Pepper’s back. “He’s just being a boy, ma’am. Don’t be too harsh with him.”

  Pepper shrugged Emma’s touch from her back, but her eyes cleared as she removed her hands from her son and knelt beside him. Her flash of anger had been misdirected. “Matthew, I want you to protect your brothers, not harm them, even in play. You’re the oldest, and you have to take care of them. Do I make myself clear?”

  He shuffled a toe of his shoe into the ground. “Yes, Mother. No more guns.”

  “We should be getting back home, then. I want to head to the hospital this afternoon.”

  “But you volunteered yesterday, ma’am.” Emma replied. “I thought you were only going to spend two days a week at that awful place.”

  Pepper nodded. “But plans have changed, and there are trainloads of the wounded coming in from the battlefields. The hospital staff is overwhelmed, and I can at least lend a hand. Admittedly, my contribution is small, but if I can ease one man’s plight by bringing him a glass of water, or a bedpan, it’s worth it.”

  Emma pulled Luke tightly into her arms as they walked back to the house. “My brother’s fighting right now. The family hasn’t had a letter from him in months.”

  “Let’s hope he’s not been part of General McClellan’s forces.”

  “I’m not sure where he’s at. My mum is worried sick about him.”

  “As well she should be. A lot of mothers, and wives, are understandably concerned about their sons or husbands. That’s what this war has done to us. Shattered the lives of so many. And there’s no end in sight.”

  Emma’s body shuddered at the harsh talk. “I hope my brother stays safe, but if he gets wounded, it’s my hope he has someone such as yourself, ma’am, to comfort him. I’m more than happy to stay home with your boys while you brave the hospital.”

  Pepper placed an arm around her nanny. “Thank you, Emma. I don’t want to neglect the boys, but I also know I can be of some service at the hospital and with the Widows Pension fund office. I’ll try to find the right balance and hope these massive battles slow down now that winter’s coming on. I’d prefer a quiet Christmas this year.”

  “Maybe the North and South will call a truce, and the nightmare of war will be over soon.”

  Pepper smiled slightly. “I said the same thing not long ago and was told the South is fighting for its way of life, so they’ll fight to the bitter end. I think we have years of war in front of us yet.”

  And many more of the wounded for the colonel to tend to. Pepper would have to find a way to coax him out of the hospital—for his own well-being, not for her benefit. This war was far from over.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  When Pepper arrived at the hospital in the afternoon, the great hallway was relatively quiet, with only a few patients still awaiting treatment. One of the nurses told her the colonel was taking the opportunity to get a bit of sleep for the first time in a day and a half. So Pepper walked on tiptoe as she quietly opened the door to his office and entered the room with her basket of food.

  Elijah lay on the cot with a thin blanket over him. Pepper took advantage of the situation and allowed herself to study the man. The deeply etched lines around his mouth and between his brows only added character instead of taking away from his handsome countenance. His dark hair was etched with even more silver and was disheveled. Her hands itched to tame it. Instead, Pepper controlled her impulse, not wanting to disturb his sleep, and placed one hand on her heart. Her attraction to him grew with every meeting, and it confused her. Even if she admitted the mounting feelings toward him, she realized she was not ready to allow another man into her life. Into her boys’ lives. Until the war ended, she would wear the moniker of widow and be proud of her husband’s sacrifice. Only after that did she envision a future with any man.

  Elijah began to twitch under the blanket, his hands slashing through the air. Pepper broke her gaze and moved to his desk, placing her goods there. She thought perhaps he could sense someone was gazing at him and it bothered his sleep. But even out of sight, she could hear him tossing about. He began to moan, and the noise became louder.

  He must be having a dream. She hated to wake him, since he usually got so little sleep, but it would stop the dream, which was beginning to agitate him. What should she do?

  She moved beside him, knelt, and took his hand. Maybe just holding his hand would have a calming effect on him. She rubbed circles on his hot, damp flesh, massaging the muscles, as sweat began to pour off his body. His hold on her grew tighter as his body tried to escape the dream.

  “Elijah, wake up,” she whispered to him. “You’re having a bad dream.”

  He continued to groan and threw himself from one side of the cot to the other, never relinquishing hold of her hand. She tugged on his hand and said again, louder this time, “Elijah, wake up.” For good measure, she poked him in the ribs.

  With a start, his eyes popped open, and he stared at her. Their faces were mere inches from each other, and Pepper realized how bloodshot his eyes were. When he reached up and ran a hand down her face, she realized this was the closest she’d been to a man in a long time. She blinked to break the contact and removed her tingling fingers from his grasp.

  “Good afternoon, Elijah,” she whispered as she got to her feet. “You were having quite the dream.”

  He sat up, placing his bare feet on the floor, and ran a shaky hand over his face. His face had lost its color, and his blue eyes stood out starkly.

  “It’s always the same one. How much did you see?”

  “Enough to know it wasn’t pleasant. Do you want to talk about it?”

  She brought a chair over and placed it beside the cot.

  “I’ve seen too much as a doctor, and this war is damaging so many men’s bodies.”

  “So it’s not bad enough you have to deal with the wounded and dying while you’re awake. They invade your dreams, too, is that it?”

  He nodded. “I don’t want to discuss it in great detail, and I’m sorry you had to witness it. It’s enough to say the nightmare lives up to its name.”

  Pepper bowed her head. “I can respect your wishes. But should you ever want to talk about it, please know I’m here.”

  “I must admit, seeing your face when I woke was a pleasant surprise. Almost made the nightmare worthwhile.” He got a ghost of a smile on his face.

  “I highly doubt it, Elijah, but I appreciate your flattery. I come bearing gifts from the kitchen, as always. My cook is so honored that you love her meals, she works extra in the kitchen so I can bring you food. It’s her contribution to the war effort, she says. So, once you wash your face and put on your shoes, I want you to sit for a few minutes and give her cooking the justice it deserves be
fore you head back out to the floor.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” The smile got a bit brighter.

  She rose and moved to the washstand. The pitcher was empty. Holding it, she turned.

  “I’ll get you some water while you wipe the sleep from your eyes.”

  Their eyes locked, and for a long minute, neither of them moved. The air had been sucked from the room, and Pepper couldn’t catch her breath. Her hands grasped the pitcher to her stomach. She controlled her impulse to run from the room and walked quietly out to retrieve some fresh water.

  It was surely the fact she’d caught the man in his most vulnerable state, wrapped in the long arms of the nightmare, that made her want to take care of him. It could be nothing more. She took several deep breaths and ran a hand over her quivering stomach to calm herself before she returned to the room with the full water pitcher.

  Elijah had his socks and shoes on and had grabbed a slice of bacon from the basket she’d brought. His moans changed from horror to delight as he enjoyed her cook’s accomplishments. She smiled as she splashed some water into the bowl. A sliver of soap rested near the bowl, and she picked it up, inhaling its sandalwood scent before she turned.

  He was so close to her she could feel his breath on her cheek. She glanced up at him in surprise as he took her hand and brought it to his lips. Her fingers longed to reach up and smooth out the furrow between his brows. A current ran from where his lips brushed her hand to the very core of her being.

  “Thank you for coming into my life, Pepper, and for making me one of your pet projects.”

  He dropped her hand and turned to the washstand. Pepper stood silently beside him, trying to corral her emotions. Perhaps it wasn’t only the nightmare that made her want to care for him.